myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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You canot stop loving somebody you loved for so long, it is our second nature to do that. But we can't fool ourself forever in the name of love, if somebody is treating us like doormate, and doesn't return same, nope.
You can say well you must have done something for him to behave this way. Well no, becuase we all know life is full of challanges, marriage is about facing them together as our challanges. Though during intial phase of love one may think well I can do anything, but when challange hit somehow not everybody is ready for it. We all come with different skillset.
So I was for the challange, and he wasn't he kept saying well at my age, I need very predictable, issue free life. I said how can you have predictable life, when we have chidlren, things do change from morning till night. If I didn't share things what happened since I knew he didn't like to hear, then it was I was hiding, if I told him then it is too much to handle, and everything like how come I can't handle it on my own etc...
SO there is no win situation. Even after that even today I care about him, I still try to understand his point of view, I still think well he didn't know how to handle challanges so he left. But then bigger question comes, how will we know in the future somebody is ready for marriage. Marriage is not about fun fun and happy happy, singing moment every day every second. It is lots of work, right.And at the end of day, we all are together is biggest reward, right...
We all have to make a choice how are we going to see our future life,
either cry our eyes out for the person who left us, by showing every which way he/she doesn't care.
or
Move on with our life with head high, only way I am able to do that keeping minimum contact with him and by reducing the impact of his behaviour on my mind and heart.
He was my weakness, even when he was yelling constantly, becuase that became norm for me and keeping contact with him in any shape and form makes me weak, and I refused to become weak, because I have to work and take care of me and chidlren and he is not there to back me up.
What choices can you have.
I go through my ups and down, but I am doing with dignity, not depending on anybody for anything.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Yes you are right marriage is work and both should be willing to work at it
if not it will never work
but when my first wife and I split up I could have lied to her and said nope I didn't feel anything but I personly think it realy hurt when I looked her in the eyes and said I love you with all of my heart but you had sex with another man and because of that I can never be with you again
she will allways have to live with the fact that she had someone that truly loved her but because of her actions she can never have that again
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/07/09 12:30 AM)
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myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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I understand that losingfaith. I did the same thing, I told my husband, I love you too much, please call each other once a day when we were splitting, to see everything is going fine. Even though he didn't care ot know where do I live, I still thought he was hurting with us moving to our separate paths, I called him everyday to make sure he is doing fine. Guess what he was OK with that while he was settling in and trying to find he got everything, nothing is missing. As soon as he found everthing, which took 5 days, he told me,lets not talk anymore, because he needs to heal, if we need to take care of leftover business we can communicate through emails. That is the last time I talked to him.
Selfishness was spread everywhere. I poured my heart out, he knew I loved him too much, that I couldn't live without him, at least at that point, yes I thought i will die without him, here this man who I loved, who loved me, left me totally abondoned.
What can I do but take a different route to survive. It is all about surving a betrayal. I am truly doing best I can.
Today I am so mad at myself to fall in with a man, who was so selfish and always cared about what did he want, didn't have empathy at all.
I feel what a waste, I gave my heart, my peace, my money, my soul to such a person.
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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I'm sorry I didn't get back to this sooner.... nothing productive has occurred since the last time I spoke with him, which was well over 2 wks ago. Wow time flies, I had no idea it had been that long. I honestly didn't think I could go that long without a tiny bit of communication!
myheart...I agree with you wholeheartedly with everything you said and understand what you mean about taking a different route to survive. We gotta do what works for us, no matter how that's perceived by someone else! All this time I was carrying myself like 'oh well I want to keep the window open a little for the off chance that we might reconcile someday'... YEA RIGHT! All the nice things I offered to do (while all he did was be cruel) was for nothing and when I realized it was all for nothing, I stopped. I didn't give a rats a$$ anymore, why should I be my awesome self for someone I know 100% does NOT appreciate it! I figured, he was nice to me for about 2 wks, gave me the illusion we were "fixing" something by being sweet to me, taking me out on cute dates like we used to go on ONLY to get me to sign the papers quietly, without demanding anything I know is rightfully mine and without involving attorney's because this would cost him money.
You wanna talk about being selfish? My soon-to-be-ex-husband would have a [censored] fit about writing my name first on a bday card or invitation we were sending out...he said "why does your name go first?" or whenever we'd get an invite and it had my name first, he'd want to know why!! WHO DOES THAT? when I was picking out our wedding bands he actually requested diamonds on his ring! I teased him about wanting a tiara too for him to wear.
I gave, I gave, I gave and it was all: FOR NOTHING. His family never appreciated me, he never appreciated me or the things I did because if they did... they wouldn't be trying so hard since the day we got married to tear us apart.
I say: GOOD RIDDENS! GOOD BYE AND GOOD LUCK!
It hurts yes, it hella hurts because to me it's still fresh, it's only been a little over a month, but if I have to swallow that hurt and pretend like it doesn't exist just so I can function on a daily basis and be able to work... then I will pretend like he never existed to me.
I HAVE to pretend like I NEVER loved him, he is a stranger to me right now and that's the only way I can move forward and stay sane.
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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I was wondering what happened with your situation
Well if that is what you have to do then by all means do it
I'm glad you came back and I'm glad things are getting better for you
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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suzie71384
recently joined
Reged: 10/20/09
Posts: 11
Loc: Encino, CA
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Is there an "angry" stage to this divorce business? Because I'm pretty sure I've hit that phase now.
All the memories...the good/bad/ugly... piss me off!!!
Is this normal?
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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yeah
you are going to experience a lot of different things
my advice is prepare yourself
some deal with it worse then others
but you will get through it just try not to loose yourself in the process
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/19/09 03:32 PM)
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myheart
member
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 116
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I keep finding myslef saying something about him, which is common with many others who left us behind, even small silly habbits.
1. So just as a side note, stbx hated that my last name was different than his, I kept my last name same as my kids, which is my maiden last name, but his as middle name to make him happy. He wasn't happy about it, whenever we got invitation cards, he would make very saracastic remarks about it. Many times I felt he actually hated it, when we talked about my last name before we got married, and he agreed to it.
2.If people call and leave an invitation in my name and asking to invite whole family, he used to hate it, why people call you, when at the same time his family called him and extended the invitation to whole family, I never expected a separate invitation. I had to tell people to call him and invite him separately, which they found strange.
3. He took me for dates before he left, trying to be my best freind and lover, so I will not make noise about him leaving. When I asked/begged him everything is so good between us now why are you leaving, he got very mad, just becuase we are good doesn't mean I am going to stay, I am leaving no matter what, then I told him that is it, I don't want to be fool by your behaviour. I basically broke myself away from him and prepared for our move.
I truly beleive he has very low self esteem, and is very inscured, who needs whole worlds visible accepatance so he can feel better. He would say how come you freinds don't call me, he totally forgot he hasnot been freindly with them, when they come, we hardly invited them anymore, when his friends used to come all the time.
Sorry, yes anger is one of the phase, and this phase may help you little bit to move forward. I guess last phase is depression, then comes realization. I am in depression phase right now, and I have surrounded myself with my girl freinds, which is truly helping me..
And we go through these cyle many times, until the effect goes away.
Don't be alone, and talk and get things out of your system...
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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Quote:
I kept my last name same as my kids, which is my maiden last name, but his as middle name to make him happy. He wasn't happy about it, whenever we got invitation cards, he would make very saracastic remarks about it. Many times I felt he actually hated it, when we talked about my last name before we got married, and he agreed to it.
nothing personal but I would never get married to a woman that would not take my last name it's almost like saying I'm your wife but not really... (It’s like your only half in the marriage)
and I would be dammed if my kids would not have my last name
that's harsh Myheart
as you have told this story it has become apparent why your ex is cold and distant
I don't know maybe that’s just me but to not change your name makes the statement to me that you have one foot out the door already
Then you said he picked his mother over you
I’m sorry but if his mother was sick and he wanted to take care of her how is that a bad thing. I mean, this is the woman that gave birth to him. If you mother was sick and you went to take care of her would you not expect understanding form him.
I’m in no way saying he treated you badly but this sounds like my situation on many levels.
My mother has a stroke and I have to put out money to help her and instead of my wife being understanding about it she in turns become even more selfish and says “So! I guess this means I can’t get a new car” I looked at her and said “what is the mater with you my mother is sick and you had a car that you decided to sell to the junkyard before you left the state, and had you not done that you would still have a car.”
See she sold the car when she left the state thinking they would not geographically restrict her to Houston, TX but they did and now her aunt had to buy her the car that she is driving.
The point that I’m getting at here is that if you truly love some one you bend for them and they bend for you (no this is not directed at anyone in particular I’m just saying this in a general way)
If you don’t have a healthy give and take…
Then you are DOOOOOOOMING your marriage!!!!
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (11/20/09 08:04 AM)
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 630
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oh and suzie71384
don't let yourself get lost in the anger of a divorce
if you do it will make you a very bitter person
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
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