mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Sorry, I got busy the other day and couldn't check back in, but I really wanted to respond to your question because it is definately a legit question.
Let me start by saying it is NOT okay that she said that to her mom. There are no high fives coming her way because she spoke that way to her mother. However, she has very good reasons for having those feeling about her mom (#1 reason we have her in counseling) and I will try to be as brief as possible sharing them with you. That's a lot of ground to cover since their problems began at birth.
1) SD weighed almost 10# and was 3 weeks overdue. The pregnancy was miserable and the delivery was worse. On top of that, she was the ugliest baby in the nursery and BM was disappointed. OPENLY disappointed! So disappointed with her child's appearance, I am still hearing about it now...almost 11 years later! The way she looked at birth, according to BM, is why they never bonded.
2) BM's disappoint in SD continues today bc she will never be like SD13. SD13 is very petite. Very pretty. Very much easy to control (for BM anyway). I will admit, SD10 was not a pretty baby and there is nothing petite about her. Ohh..and that girl is so damned headstrong! But, she can't help a lot of it. Her father is 6'5" and BM is 5'10". She's going to be tall. No matter what she might try, SD10 is never going to look just like SD13 because they have different genes. DH is not SD13's biodad.
3) At 6, SD was kidnapped from her home by BM's brother with the intent to molest her. THANK GOD, she is headstrong bc she was such a PITA that he dumped her off at a gas station in the middle of the night. She called BM who couldn't find transportation to come pick her up. She called MIL who called us. By the time we found out about it, she had already been taken to the Home of the Innocents. We went to the shelter and waited with her for HOURS while they decided what to do with her. Since DH didn't have custody of her at the time, they wouldn't release her to us without talking to the judge first. We were prepared to sleep all night in the holding area with her so she wouldn't be alone. They finally got the approval from the judge to release her to our care and they notified BM that we were taking her home with us. AMAZING, but BM managed to get there pretty damned fast once she realized we had her.
4) SD came to live with us once for 6 weeks in the first grade. BM dropped her off at our house in the middle of the night and said she couldn't stand her anymore. That ended when BM thought we might try for a decrease in CS since we had one of the girls.
5) In the 3rd grade, she was dropped off again, in the middle of the night, with the clothes on her back. This time, we were smarter. We wouldn't take her back again, get her settled into school, without BM making it legal. We now have legal physical custody of her and I can't even begin to tell you how much trouble that has been. I can't tell you how many times BM has cancelled her parenting time. We were on a loooonngg stretch that everytime SD called her mom to visit, she was called a "nasty biatch", "slut" (yeah, at 10), "not welcome in her home". On the rare chances she does get to go with her mom, it's never pretty. The girls will get into an argument and we get called with BM yelling at us to pick up this "GD troublemaker".
With me so far???? Okay! Now, that SD is resigned to the fact her mom really doesn't want her and is rejecting her mom, NOW, BM wants to be supermom. She calls her all the time, telling her how much she loves her. Problem is, you can tell someone that until you are blue in the face. If your actions don't back it up, they aren't going to believe it. In the week she spent with her mom, she realized mom bought SD13 a new summer wardrobe. SD didn't get squat. SD13 (and all the other kids in the household) got summer passes to KY Kingdom. SD didn't get one. At 10, I'm pretty sure, if I was to live at my mom's house for the summer, and I didn't get to go with the others when they went to an amusement park, I'd be pretty pissed and want to come home, too. The "worthless mom" argument started because SD10 wanted to come *home*. She knew, the only way to get to do that, was to piss her mom off and it worked!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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I would never let her go back to that environment, rejection, self-esteem killer. Never. They'd have to take me to court and throw my ass in jail...that's the only way I'd let it happen. They (BM with Court System) would have to force me to do it.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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HLCMom
recently joined
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 5
Loc: Alabama
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I agree with BB1. That is horrible!
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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Wow MN, I cannot begin to fathom how she must feel and how you must feel having to watch her go through all of this. She must have felt proud of herself for standing up to her Mom. It's sad to imagine that a parent would reject their own child because they didn't look they way they'd imagined. And to be abandoned, not once but twice, she must have felt so rejected. How horrible.
I hope you and your H are able to find a way to reduce time spent with her. Thank you for taking the time to share your story so I can better understand her situation.
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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Thanks for refreshing our memories about your SD10 story. I do remember a lot of what you posted but it was nice to have it all laid out again.
My YSS will talk horibly to his Mom because that is the way that she talks to him. Kids learn by example. My YSS will NOT speak disrespctful to his Mom while his Dad or I are around, he knows he will be in trouble if he does. If we hear that he did it, than he will get the lecture of always speaking respectful to others and that he needs to respect his Mom.
What happens while he is at his Moms is none of our business so if we hear about how disrepectful he was he only gets a lecture not punishment. If he does it in front of us than he gets punished. The lecture is not pleasant but it is something so that he knows that it is NOT acceptable behavior and we do NOT encourage him to continue.
Perhaps you may want to do something similar. No punishment but a lecture of how to always act. You mentioned that she did it so she could come home. Try to talk to her about different ways that can be accomplished.
I would still her her lots of love because she really needs it.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Hmmmm...she could be our BM :-(
Amazing....why oh why do we let people like that breed?
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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That's why I don't know what to do!! She has definately earned the right to have those feelings about her mother and that makes punishing her for verbalizing those thoughts seem so NOT the right thing to do. If I ignore it, I feel like she would think it's acceptable to talk to any adult that way.
For the time being, I told her that Mommy is still human being and we all make mistakes. I know how much her mother's mistakes hurt her, but SD10 is a better person. She CAN communicate her feelings, even the bad ones, without using bad names.
She listened to me. Smiled. Then said, "well, at least I told the truth"! Thank God I managed to keep from busting a gut laughing before she left the room. For those who don't know, she has a HUGE problem with lying. I can't tell you how many times I've had to punish her for lying to me. LOL...I guess she IS listening to me when I don't think she is!!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Yup...hard position to be in. How to validate your SD's feelings without talking bad about the BM. Not an easy thing to do.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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PrincessJ
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 7176
Loc: 39.10 degrees North 94.58 degr...
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Honestly? Your posted had me misty eyed. I feel so bad for the child.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"She has definately earned the right to have those feelings about her mother and that makes punishing her for verbalizing those thoughts seem so NOT the right thing to do. "
She may have the right to have those feelings, but that doesn't mean it's okay or necessary to voice them to bm. If later down the line, she has an issue with an employer, I would hope she would call a girlfriend to vent instead of telling her boss just how she really felt about him/her. She needs to learn that her feelings are understandable, but that they need to expressed differently, because even if people hurt us, it doesn't make it okay for us to hurt them back. Just because somethng is the truth, doesn't mean it needs to be said out loud. And no, I frankly don't care to protect her pos bm in what I am saying, but sd needs to learn this if she wants to be succesful later on...see my "boss" example, and we've all had "that boss", I believe...no reason to think why she wouldn't ever have to deal with a person in authority over her who is unfair and difficult, other than her bm...
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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It is a terrible situation for raising a child. Some days, I feel like such a hard-ass because I don't allow her to play the poor me card or use how she was raised as an excuse to behave poorly. It's tough! I want to baby her, but I don't her first 9 years of life to be a crutch to lean on into her adult years. KWIM?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Buy her a journal so she can write anything she wants. Allowing her an outlet for her feelings means they are not negated or forgotten. She can look back and see how she felt at certain times and also reflect on her good days as well as her bad days. It may help her gather some perspective on her undoubtably horrible situation.
She is crying out for a mother to love her. And her own mother is behaving appallingly.
Maybe you can tell her that one day she will be famous and on TV and THEN her mother will have to eat her words. And all the clothes and fun park passes in the world do NOT make you a nice or better person. It is what is inside that makes you a nice peron. And if you are mean and nasty it shows thru all the clothes and makeup in the world.
Create some strong girl role models. If she is tall, find some volleyball players or basketball players she can follow. And if all else fails, enroll her in a Big Sister programme.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Funny you should mention that!!
She is tall and very slender. Over the last year, she has really started to come out of the ugly duckling stage. I can't say she is girl next door beautiful, but she's very interesting (for lack of a better word) looking. She's not going to be curvy and I swear, I can see her becoming a runway model. She has a fabulous sense of fashion. She loves to play dress-up and is always dabbling in my make-up.
I think her momma is going to be eating her words in a few more years!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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