1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
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Okay, we are having a b-day party for DS next weekend at the local skating rink. He'll be 5. His Dad was supposed to be out of town for the next month, but is coming home early. I found this out and invited him. I did ask him to refrain from bringing his GF. Right or wrong - fire away...
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JennyLynn
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/14/05
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Why don't you want him to bring his girlfriend? Did he respond? It was nice of you to invite him.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
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1. She was the OW.
2. He dumps the kids at her house during his visitation because it is too stressful to take care of them on his Every Other Saturday.
3. DD2 routinely comes home with adult sized pinch marks on her bitty ears or black eyes on Sunday morning. If I mention it to XH it will stop for a month or so.
ETA 4. He was with her when I was in labor at the hospital with DD2.
Edited by 1004SRS (06/30/08 08:43 AM)
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PrincessJ
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Have you reported the possibility of abuse?
(Sorry, can't remember everyones story...)
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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JennyLynn
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Ahhhh - the OW. I completely understand and agree she shouldn't attend.
It's a party you are throwing, therefor he should respect your rules if he wants to attend.
Has he responded to the invitation?
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
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Nope. Just a suspicion on my part right now. But, I'd prefer if she wasn't around the kids much.
She doesn't have custody of her kids.
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JennyLynn
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How's everything going with his visitation SRS? Is he still taking them during weeknights some?
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PrincessJ
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Loc: 39.10 degrees North 94.58 degr...
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I don't think her being the OW should matter, personally. My ex married the OW, now she is SM. Be the bigger person & let it roll off like water on a duck. Abuse? Now that's a whole different story, IMO.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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PrincessJ
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She doesn't have custody of her kids.
---->There are a few NCM's on this board that might take offense....?
Do you know why she doesn't have custody?
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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Redlegg
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Reged: 10/05/06
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I think at this pont in time, if it doesn't work for you, then make the request. Whats the point of having a party if you cannot enjoy it with your children. In time, that may be a goal, adjusting to her presence, but for now, its not doable. Report the abuse if you think its going on, its the only thing to do.
And how are you doing :)
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JennyLynn
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But if I remember correctly they haven't been divorced very long have they?
Sure, SRS will have to deal with the fact that she will most likely be SM one day, and cross that bridge when she gets here.
But honestly, I don't blame her one bit for not wanting her to be present.
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1004SRS
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Not meaning to offend anyone here regarding their own custody situation.
I can say, fairly or unfairly, that in my part of the country either women have primary custody with T, Th, and EOW visitation OR they share 50/50. It is VERY, VERY unusual for a female to not have custody in my part of the US.
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elliesmom
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If I had a legitimate reason to suspect someone was physically hurting my child - they should thank their lucky stars the only thing I was disinviting them to was a birthday party and not the drawing of their next breath.
And frankly I would tell him plain as day why she wasn't invited - the marks she leaves on the kids.
The OW stuff - as awful as that is, that's your stuff not your kids. Be grateful you have another reason to have her stay away so you don't have to be gracious on this issue for the sake of your kids.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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PrincessJ
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You are in the same general area as I am, aren't you?
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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Visitation is the same. He is what he is. Unable to cope with his children. I am both Mom and Dad. It sucks bad for the kids, but I can't change it. Our son misses his Dad, but I can't change the situation. I am just grateful for the time he does spend with them.
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1004SRS
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I'm tired of being gracious. I get tired of always having to take the high road. I get tired.
I have told him about the bruises and such. I told him that the daycare asked me about it (slight exaggeration). He says that DD gets them before she comes over to his house.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
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Yesserie, PJ. I never make it to your area. I haven't been there since April or so. Gas is so darned expensive.
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MaritimeGuy
addict
Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 532
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I don't see a problem with your invitation. You could have chosen not to invite him at all. Having the OW there is just going to make you tense and you'll be distracted. Your son should be able to have a party where Mom's not stressing and able to focus on him.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
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He wants me to e-mail him the details. He didn't think he could remember them.
uuhhhh...Saturday. 10-12. B-day party for your son.
I'm not e-mailing him. That is stupid.
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1966Gal
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 10098
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Nope. You didn't do anything wrong. It was your party, you were the hostess and, therefore, it was your guestlist to choose. You should not have to socialize with OW if you don't want to.
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The Gov cannot give anything to anyone - that they have not first taken away from someone else.
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PrincessJ
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[quote]Yesserie, PJ. I never make it to your area. I haven't been there since April or so. Gas is so darned expensive. [/quote]
This is what bothers me a bit about your comment.
*I* was a NCM for about 6 weeks. When I tell people this who don't know me, IMMEDIATELY the response is, "Well, PJ MUST be a child abuser/drug user/alcoholic/prostitute...becuase in OUR area, its virtually impossible for women to lose custody..."
I am NOT a child abuser/drug user/alcoholic/prostitute...
My ex portrayed our situation as reversed roles. I was the bread winner and he was the stay at home parent. And the judge bought it. Keep in mind, the same judge is in prison now for taking money from attorneys who have been in front of him in court.
So, before you decide she is an abuser because she doesn't have custody, and in your area, that never happens, with absolutely NO evidence to back up your opinions, Keep my situation in mind.
I ended up spending another $7500 for an appeal, the truth came out on about 9038748974 of the ex's claims and the previous judgement was tossed out. I am now CP and our divorce decree states that Ex husband, "is not credible in his testimony..."
I just hate hearing people judge someone because "mom's never lose custody in our area..." my SO still throws that in my face and it really creates a trust problem between he and I . He seriously thinks I am hiding something from him because "mom's never lose custody in our area..."
Lying ex + corrupt judge = NCM.
KWIM?
As far as the possible abuse? I would be on the phone with CPS like yesterday. If you're wrong, I can't think of a better result of an investigation.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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6 weeks is A LOT different than not having custody permanently. The judge that handles divorces for my county prefers 50/50. (yup, there's only one) Anything else has to have pretty good justification.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
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Wrong for me...it's just my take on it.
Don't ask Dad to come if you don't want his baggage. I know she's THAT woman, but if you don't want THAT woman there, then don't invite him. Dad can give DS a nice birthday on his own time.
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ssmom79
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If you're tired of being gracious, then don't invite him. You open yourself up for drama when you invite the man who was screwing around on you then pointedly NOT invite his possibly abusive wife.
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PrincessJ
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Maybe she didn't have the $7500 to appeal? Maybe she didn't think she COULD appeal?
I had given up hope myself because I heard that appeals were nearly impossioble in my area, let alone a successful appeal. Had my friends & family not rallied around me to find a good attorney for the appeal, I imagine I would be a NCM right now.
I was resigned to have lost custody.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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That is a good idea. I just felt bad about throwing DS a party and NOT inviting Dad.
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PrincessJ
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Loc: 39.10 degrees North 94.58 degr...
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I guess my point is, I am *still* dealing with the stigma related to being a NCP in our area. KWIM?
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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ssmom79
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Posts: 7806
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Don't feel bad SRS, you should not feel bad at all! You were the victim of an affair, even while you were in labor, no one should feel bad about not inviting their cheating ex to a party!!
DS will not be bothered by it, my kids don't mind at all that we don't share a party. Hopefully Dad will take some time and do something special 1 on 1 with his child.
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preemiemom
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Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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I think it's fine SRS.
You did the right thing by dad. The OW didn't do the right thing by you in the first place... no reason for you to do the "right thing" by her now. Eff that.
Dad doesn't like her being excluded, he can choose not to attend. HIS choice.
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BB1
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Loc: MD
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I wouldn't have invited my ex's last wife to anything...except maybe a public stoning where she was the stonEE.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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Its not 8 or 800, it was just called unusual, and in your case, you did the right thing, and it seems the usual thing happened, and you are now the CP. I did not get the idea that a 100% label was being thrown out, just that it was unusual, and since that seems to be the case, I would wonder as well. Its good it worked out for you and the right thing happened, just a shame it cost so much for the best thing to happen, but it was worth it.
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PrincessJ
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I *still* have discussions with SO about what happened in our divorce. I even have the transcript from the 2 day trial (cost me $600 to obtain...) and I have every page of BS marked for the appeal. I have asked SO to take time and just READ it so he knows what happene and that I am not hiding drug abuse/child abuse/prostitution skeletons in my closet. He won't read it.
Sucks eggs.
In this area, though, if you are a NCM, its because you are a "total loser" essentially.
So, I'm going into a custody modification trial with my ex. I shouldn't be concerned at.all. but since I have witnessed and experienceda miscarriage of justice first hand, I am expecting the worst now.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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JRS
old hand
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 827
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I wouldn't - I don't offer invitations or gifts with strings attached. If I have to control it or put conditions on it - I don't offer it. Otherwise I'm setting myself up for disappointment and/or drama - no thanks. But that's me.
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
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"In this area, though, if you are a NCM, its because you are a "total loser" essentially."
Okay, so you DO agree with 1004 that a ncm is usually a red flag in your area? It is in my area, and I frankly don't care who this offends on this board, unless you live in MY area AND have been screwed over by the system. Yes, there are a few ncms who are "okay" I'm sure, but the norm is that they're not. Case in point - my kids' sm. Does not have custody of any of her kids. Does not keep in contact with any of her kids. Does not pay cs for any of her kids. Will be arrested if she sets foot in her kids' homestate for drug charges. Is constantly "clean and sober for 2 months". Has several dui's, won't hold a job to save her life (due to a "back injury" from a "severe car accident"...she settled for $1,000 for this lifetime crippling disability...insert *eyeroll*) and is just overall a manipulative backstabbing biotch who is better off not being around her kids... or MINE.
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onerose
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Reged: 12/30/05
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I *still* have discussions with SO about what happened in our divorce. I even have the transcript from the 2 day trial (cost me $600 to obtain...) and I have every page of BS marked for the appeal. I have asked SO to take time and just READ it so he knows what happene and that I am not hiding drug abuse/child abuse/prostitution skeletons in my closet. He won't read it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What and a$$hole. I can see putting up with the bit of jealousy issues you all have. But why would you put up with him trying to imply that you are a bad mother and then not even bothering to read the transcript, because he may be proven wrong? That would push me over the edge with this guy.
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onerose
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How long have you been divorced from him?
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
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18 months.
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PrincessJ
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No, I don't agree with it. That's why I put it in quotes. Sorry, I should have re-worded. Most people believe that if you are NCM, you are a "total loser".
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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JRS
old hand
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 827
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I completely disagree - my mom was a NCP and is undeserving of such blanket judgment. It is ignorant for you to make the universal claim that NCMs have something wrong with them - your area specifically or not.
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JennyLynn
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In my area it'd be looked down upon to, but until i saw my sister and her ex go through their divorce, my judgement of NCM's was probably more harsh than it should've been. My sister, by choice is the NCM although they share 50/50 custody and have joint legal and physical, she basically agreed to it, with many stipulations including where her daughter will attend school, to opt out of a custody dispute that was really unnecessary.
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PrincessJ
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What and a$$hole. I can see putting up with the bit of jealousy issues you all have. But why would you put up with him trying to imply that you are a bad mother and then not even bothering to read the transcript, because he may be proven wrong? That would push me over the edge with this guy.
---->Yeah, early on, it was annoying as hail to explain what happened in my divorce. I dug out the transcripts and gave them to him, still dog eared & marked throughout. Someof it I didn't WANT to share, (se xually explict "stuff") but it was worth it just to have him understand. But he's never read it. I left it sitting out for a few months allowing him to read it at his convienence. Maybe he diod, maybe he didn't, I don't know.
I will say, as time passes and he gets to know my ex a bit more and since our judge is now behind bars, he is starting to understand better.
He's actually getting better with the jealousy issues, as well. It hasn't even been brought up in months, thank God.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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Sherron
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"It is ignorant for you to make the universal claim that NCMs have something wrong with them - your area specifically or not. "
I did not make a universal claim, I said "usually". I cannot speak for other areas, which is why I made a point stating I spoke for my area only. The norm in my area (and I would suspect in other areas as well) is not ncms, it's the devitiation. And most (as in "not all") ncms are ncms for a good reason. Heck, sm#1 plead guilty to child abuse and neglect and STILL has custody of her little boy (and has popped out 2 more since then). If you or someone you know does not fall into the majority of this statistic, great, but it doesn't change that the majority of ncms are "total losers".
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onerose
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Ewwww that stinks. I would not invite her. But I would not have invited the BF either. But if you want BF there, then you have every right to not have the OW there.
NCM are looked “down on” here also. IRL all of the NCM I know of are terrible people and should be NCM’s. It is almost impossible for a mom to lose custody here.
That being said, I can see now how some NCM’s could have been railroaded, thanks to this site. Do I think RWS is a bad mom because she was NCM? Certainly not.
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PrincessJ
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While you can share on instance that you've experienced directly, I am one of those few who have gotten screwed by the system. As a result, just mentioning I was NCM for 6 weeks, everyone assumes I am lower than dirt. That really hurts.
I quit sharing the experience with people. I was tired of the weird looks I got from people.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Posts: 20191
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"As a result, just mentioning I was NCM for 6 weeks, everyone assumes I am lower than dirt. That really hurts."
And I see your point, pj, I really do. Your case was the statistical deviation from the norm. The statistics still stand, the norms still stand, your case just wasn't part of the norm. That doesn't change the fact that the norm is "total losers", nor does it make any ncm a "total loser" by definition. My point was that it raised red flags. I gave sm#2 every possible chance, but she just continued to affirm the red flags. I would assume that 1004 did the same. The fact that sm is ncm raised the flag. Then she is also ow. Then the kid comes home with bruises. I can't speak for 1004, but I doubt she made an assumption on the ncm part alone, but coupled in with the other stuff she knows/suspects...it's a pattern to sm's character.
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DeeCan
veteran
Reged: 04/05/08
Posts: 1266
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I wouldn't want the woman who helped destroy my marriage there either. Of course, I wouldn't be willing to share such a happy event with a man who cared so little about his children that he missed the birth of our youngest and can't find time with his children but can with the GF.
18 months is still relatively young. Maybe in a few more years you'll be ready to share, without the strings. Don't push yourself though.
And on the topic of NCMs...in my area of middle Tennessee, it is also very uncommon to have a NCM. If she is a NCM it is because (1) she's a junkie, alkie, or the likes or (2) she didn't give a damn about her kids and just offered them up to Dad.
That is how it works here, and in return it creates a "stigma." Until the "types" of mothers who don't have custody as a whole change, the stigma will remain.
I think it's just the way it works here in those states that is neither west or coast or east coast, or along a northern or southern border. Here in the middle, we been doing things a certain way for a while and we're not real prone to change. KWIM?
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Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
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PrincessJ
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 7176
Loc: 39.10 degrees North 94.58 degr...
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Your case was the statistical deviation from the norm.
---->I prefer to refer to it as a miscarriage of justice. Fortunately, (and VERY rarely, I might add) the appeal was not only allowed but it was successful. As my attorney said, its rare to be granted an appeal but even more rare to be successful. I feel pretty lucky. I hope my luck doesn't run out now...
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
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