youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
I'm finding that I have significant issue with going to my grandparent's house on Friday for Christmas. I could use some guidance on how to address some people who will be there that day as I am REALLY trying hard to no longer be that person who internalizes everything and pretends like bad stuff hasn't happened, but I also don't want to be that b!tch either.
To refresh you on the dynamics: My grandparents have four kids (Biomom, Uncle1 whose 14 year old daughter is being raised by my grandparents, Uncle2 who moved in with my grandparents this year but his 15 year old daughter has been raised by my grandparents pretty much since birth, and Uncle3 who has been married for like 25 years and has three grown kids). I'm VERY close to my grandparents...more a daughter than a granddaughter just because of biomom's history and the fact that my grandparents helped raise me. Uncle1 I have really nothing to do with...he's a druggie and put his child at significant risk and continues to disappoint her. Uncle2 I see regularly because he lives with my grandparents now...I think he's had issues in his life and I feel for him, but have little respect for him...still, he's not a bad person. Uncle3 and I have always been pretty close. I have a Cousin who has also always been very close to me...VERY close. Sibling like.
This year everything changed when my grandmother went into the hospital with her cancer. Two weeks she was in the hospital...I spent those two weeks going to work in the morning, going home after to change clothes and shower, going to the hospital for the night. There were a few nights when Uncle3 or Cousin stayed the night, but I spent more than half of the overnights at the hospital. Color me shocked when Ex-Husband calls me and says, "what the hell is going on?" He goes on to explain that Cousin (who has become good friends with Ex's son) is telling everyone that I haven't been to the hospital at all. Then, on what turned out to be my grandmother's last night in the hospital, I had to be home overnight with my kids for something (don't even remember what). I tried Uncle3 and Cousin to see if anyone could stay with Grandma. No responses from either. Grandma made me go home to my kids...not that I had much choice. I find out that Uncle3 called my EX-HUSBAND (of 4 years at the time) to find out if I was "really" at home with my kids. Ummm...because I'm so unreliable and irresponsible that you think I'm out at the stripclubs or something instead of at the hospital? WTF?!?!?
I haven't spoken to either since. I saw Uncle3 once at my grandparents, he was coming in, I was leaving. I didn't say a word to him.
Truthfully, I cannot stomach the thought of having idle chitchat with these people. I'm hurt...BEYOND hurt that two more people I'm supposed to trust have basically just destroyed that trust.
So, I don't want some kind of confrontation, especially in front of my grandparents, but I also am not going to pretend everything is okay. I KNOW they are going to be all, "MISSIE! How are you?" and hugging and stuff, and I just don't want any part of it, and I'm pretty sure that at this moment my response would be to put my hand up to block the hug and respond, "don't talk to me". And that's just not going to go anywhere positive...
So how the heck do I do this? I didn't WANT to do this at all, but my grandmother begged me to come and started crying, and well...I couldn't say no. I love her that much. But I can't slide back into my pattern of accepting other people's bad behavior and overlooking it either.
So, I need some thoughts...be harsh, be kind, whatever, but I REALLY need to work this out before Friday.
|
JennyLynn
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
|
|
I'm definitely not the queen of confrontation...so I probably have horrible advice. I remember when all that happened and how upset you were, and I certainly don't blame you for that. IMO? Christmas isn't the time to hash it out...not that you would. If it were ME? I'd make small talk if I had to, other than that...I'd avoid it. Probably not the best advice or the healthiest thing to do :), but that's how *I* would handle it.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
See, though, I've been avoiding things all of my life, which is a HUGE part of my problems. I haven't ever developed healthy ways of dealing with this sh!t. I have progressed so much this year on that level, and I don't want to settle back into old habits...because it will then just be that much harder to get out of them. So, I really have no desire or intentions of doing the small talk thing.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
Are you serious?
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
|
|
Yes you do, so maybe that means you have to air the grievances before Friday. let them know, face to face what you are feeling. If you do not reconcile this in some kind of way, you are going to end up hurtiing yourself. You can be indifferent, you can just realize that they are who they are, and you cannot trust them. You treat them with civility and you move on. You could write the letter, and drop it off to them, let them know what they did, and why it hurt you. There are a lot of ways to deal with this. You could even tell them at G'mas that you forgive them, but will never forget and that the relationship will forever be a result of their actions, and you still forgive them.
One thing for sure is that you are not going to fix this in a day, or in a year, and you should not have to feel responsible for what happened. You are so disappointed in what it is not, that you are not wanting to deal with what it is.
How did you manage to get through a divorce with the love of your life, the man you married and had children with, without hating him for life. Now you have this relationship where you know he is who he is, and you deal with it pretty well. They are no different. They will not suddenly have an epiphany and say, OMG, you are right, and the light will not come on, and angels won't sing.
You do not ever have to like what it was, and what it has become, you just have to get comfortable with the fact that it may never be what you wanted. Treat them with the respect they have earned, and know that you will never be like them, and when you leave, you can smile because after all that, you are not them.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
Thank you, Red...seriously, thank you very much. I really needed to hear the analogy with Ex-Husband.
I think maybe a letter is a great way to handle it. We won't see each other outside of my grandparent's homes, so this isn't likely to be something that could be discussed elsewhere. But I feel like I have to get it out, rather than just gloss it over and pretend things are still the way they were. Because they aren't. I like the letter idea a lot.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
I would put them on IGNORE, help Grandma in the kitchen, help clean up and do the dishes, just so you can stay away from them.
When I have to deal with idiots, I let them do all the talking. My best phrase as a response would be, "That's nice" and keep on moving. Cause if you say, "Really?" That opens up more conversation.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
Well, I'll be the one doing all the cooking and cleaning up. My grandmother is very, very weak, and really can no longer make it through cooking a regular meal...much less a holiday meal. So, when I'm there, I make her go sit down and stop. So, that will be a nice distraction.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
maybe that means you have to air the grievances before Friday.
---> Absofuckinglutely NOT! Consider what you are suggesting...two days before the dinner she is supposed to tell these people that she doesn't like them for XYZ reason and then she is supposed to be a guest in someone's house WITH them?!?
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
So you could accidently spill some gravy on someone's crotch!!!! Teehee
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7949
|
|
Why not? She should blast them and let them feel uncomfortable during the dinner. If they even start giving her sh!t, she can just tell them to shut it.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
Why not?
---> Because it's wrong. Because it's rude. Because it's VERY disrepectful to the grandmother.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
LMAO...that would be funny...but I don't really plan to get that close to them. Thankfully, there are too many people to eat at a table together.
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7949
|
|
[quote]Why not?
---> Because it's wrong. Because it's rude. Because it's VERY disrepectful to the grandmother. [/quote]
If you don't call people out for being assholes, they'll just keep on doing it. If she goes and calls them out now they'll know come the dinner they'll keep their mouths shut so as not to look like assholes in front of everyone, lest the truth actually come out. I'd bet by now the grandmother knows her kids are pretty much losers anyways..not going to be a big shock.
|
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
|
|
I figured rude would be doing it at G'ma's house, doing it out of site on a different location would clear the air for her. I would have thought these people already know she doesn't like them. They will be guests at grandma's house, not hers, not theirs. If confronting them outside of G'ma's home is rude, then it will be rude anytime. If confronting them out of G'ma's home is disrspecful, then it would be disrespectful any time.
How did you handle it when it was your dad, and your sister?
|
Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
|
|
I hate confrontations too. If you feel like you must get this out in the open, here is what I would suggest. Hopefully it will keep down on the hurt feelings and tears at your G-parents Christmas, while getting it out in the open.
First you have to do very little talking since you did nothing wrong. Uncle1 has the explaining to do, not you.
I would start out by saying; Oh hey Uncle1, I am glad you are here. I have been meaning to call you for a long time. Do you remember when g-ma was in the hospital? Well, I got some phone calls that said, you were telling people I haven't been to the hospital. I set them straight right away. It really hurt and shocked me they were saying you said that, we both know how many nights I spent there. Anyway I straightened them out, but I just wanted to let you know. If he asks who, just say not important, as they were obviously mistaken.
That will give two outs.
The first one being maybe there is an off chance he didn't say it. You did say you heard it from somebody, who heard it from somebody, who heard it from somebody.
More to the point if he did say, and he probably did. It will give him a graceful out. Hopefully he will completely agree with you that they were mistaken, while validating in front of the family just how much time you did spend there. The upside if he did say it, he will know you know and have put him on notice. Keep eye contact with him at all times. I bet he can't do it.
Now if he wants to be an ass and maintain his story as you were not there, STOP. Just look at him and go; Really? Huh. and walk away.
Do not put yourself in the position of having or trying to explain yourself. You have nothing to explain, he does. If you try to start explaining yourself you will be putting him in the position of power.
|
Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
|
|
I would agree with 100% if she ran into him at Billy Bobs and Lil Pete's Saloon. Then I would start the conversation with a beer bottle upside his head and finish it as they were carting him away to surgically remove a pool cue from somewhere he would rather not have one.
However, I get the feeling although she really wants to stand up for herself, if it starts a huge drama fest at her g-parents she will end up regretting it.
|
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
|
|
The drama fest has been going on for years, she is trying to come to some resolution. You can put it off forever, because it will be inconvenient to someone. The whole point was to resolve something before Grandma's house. Putting it off until after, kind of defeats the purpose.
So if the ideas to resolve it before friday are not going to work, there is no answer, and no help to be offered.
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
I say you should just let it all go and forget about it. Don't let these people get under your skin. But Christmas get togethers are not the time or place to deal with anything. I would smile, be pleasant, help where I can, then leave. None of this requires your time. Don't give them all this power over you.
|
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
|
|
I kind of agree with this. I never got the feeling YAH wanted to rebuild these bridges, so in the grand scheme of things, it is what you do, for you. I also understand that sometimes, you just have to air the grievances, and get it off your chest. Not looking to build bridges, and need to air, it, blast them before it happens, and move on. wanting to build bridges, maybe wait and have the sit down later on, and just be civil for the day. Being indifferent, and practicing that until it they are not a factor is ok too.
I do not know what is best for you. I wish I was more insightful.
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
I'm the queen of avoiding confrontation...if I have to put out energy for someone...it'll only be for those I love. I know deep down what I do is right...I don't need someone else's approval. Whenever I air grievances...it never comes out right and I feel bad about it and it doesn't resolve much of anything. She can resolve this internally...which is not always a bad thing. Just hold your head up high, laugh a little at their lies and sneakiness, and know that THEY are the ones with problems. Every action does not require a reaction.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Just put my Brass Balls, in a FedEx box, you should get them in the morning! :)
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7949
|
|
I'm glad I'm a guy and have no compunction about calling out losers in person.
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
I just don't like lowering myself to their level...and pulling a "redneck" at a Christmas party just seems so icky. Sometimes you can call them out all day long...people like that won't believe you and it makes you look stupid. So what...her uncle called her ex and told him lies...so the freak what. None of it requires all this to be frank. I wouldn't give them the time of day...much less worry my little head over them.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
[quote]I'm the queen of avoiding confrontation...if I have to put out energy for someone...it'll only be for those I love. I know deep down what I do is right...I don't need someone else's approval. Whenever I air grievances...it never comes out right and I feel bad about it and it doesn't resolve much of anything. She can resolve this internally...which is not always a bad thing. Just hold your head up high, laugh a little at their lies and sneakiness, and know that THEY are the ones with problems. Every action does not require a reaction. [/quote]
Thing is, though, handling things internally IS a problem for me. I just cannot stomach the idea of carrying on as if nothing has happened, and I really don't think I can do that without making myself miserable on a day that is already going to be hard for me.
|
Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
|
|
All that is true. But, the thing is this is her g-parents house, who she is very close to and loves. While blasting uncle1 off the planet might feel great for a minute or two, I think in the long run she would feel a lot of guilt about it. Not for doing it, but for it being at GP Christmas.
I think your before suggestion is great. Problem is there is not a lot of before time left.
I will admit I am probably a little more sensitive to Christmas drama. We had a great aunt who provided the drama every year. It didn't end with her until someone stormed off in tears. Finally she was put in a nursing home and nobody really missed her. None of us never made a point to visit her either. I guess I have just always made it a point to try and not be the "aunt" that nobody missed.
I am absolutely not saying that aunt is YAH. That is just the background my advice came from.
|
RJ1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 5164
|
|
I had an aunt that went WACKO after her husband (my Mom's brother) died. She would pull pictures of her and my Dad back in the 1950's and send "care packages" to my Mom with notes in there saying "this pic proves your husband cheated with me". She even took spray paint and painted horrible things about my parents on a train underpass right beside my grandmother's house. Me and my brother would make regular trips to spray paint over everything. We would also get the "care packages" before my parents opened them just to be sure there was nothing harmful in them. Talk about crazy! She harassed them daily on the phone. My parents finally sued her, they won, and she had to pay fines and do community service. This lady was a school bus driver!!! She lost her job too. My family has had enough "redneckishness" to last a lifetime. I'm done...I refuse to let them get to me and I have marked them off my list of family because family does not do this sh!t. I have two more aunts that actually moved my grandmother's still born baby's grave to another cemetary (who DOES THAT???). Now my grandmother is separated from her baby, in a cemetary that is NOT hers, and neither have headstones. Crazy sonsofbitches. OFF THE LIST! I really do not like these people...and they can talk lies about me all day long because I know...I know...THEY are the crazy ones. I hate drama...and avoid it at all costs. YAH is not the only one with family issues...unfortunately.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
Well, I would never "blast" anyone...that's just not my personality. I just don't do big screaming matches, and I don't do stuff to embarass other people, no matter what they've done. So, I'm just not going to go there...Christmas or otherwise.
I think I am going to use the letter option, but the letter will be mailed after Christmas. Now I just have to learn the art of avoiding and ignoring for Christmas day. Because I really am just not going to pretend to be interested in anything they have to say. If that's rude...I'm okay with that.
|
LeAnne
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/18/05
Posts: 10232
Loc: missouri
|
|
Back to the phrase, "That's nice" and move on.
--------------------
Empty Nesting
|
JennyLynn
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
|
|
Yuppers, that's how I'd handle it. I wouldn't want to cause a scene or stress for anyone on Christmas...but again, I'm not a confrontation person and have no want to be! :) But I also don't think YAH should have to sit back and have to be fake and pretend either...that's why I have no good advice with this stuff :)
Edited by JennyLynn (12/23/09 11:23 AM)
|
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3374
Loc: right here ----->
|
|
Thing is, though, handling things internally IS a problem for me. I just cannot stomach the idea of carrying on as if nothing has happened, and I really don't think I can do that without making myself miserable on a day that is already going to be hard for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They're not who you thought they were...big whoop...I just don't see this as a reason to ruin everyone's Christmas, including your own...after your grandparents are gone, be secure in the fact that you never have to see or deal with them again...maybe that will get you thru the Holiday..
--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
|
Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
|
|
After all that has happened I don't find that rude at all. Matter of fact I find that to quite generous of you. Of course they will probably be too stupid to see it. Just sing under your breath...merry Christmas a-hole and consider it your present to them that you don't blast people.
Edited by Arden (12/23/09 11:27 AM)
|
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
|
|
Christmas day, that is an easy one, I think RJ is dead on. You look at them, and you smile, you are not the crazy one, and when it's over, they have to go home with themselves, and be with themselves. You get to go home and be with your family. If that is not something to smile about, there is nothing on earth to smile about.
I mean when you get up in the morning, and look in the mirror, you surely don't see them. What do they see when they look in the mirror?
|
KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
|
|
What you got was a little example of how they run their lives.
If my uncles thought I had not helped my grandmother out, I would not care a jot. Hypothetically I WAS there. I KNEW I was there and their opinion has no effect on my life.
If they want to run their lives based on gossip, good luck to them. If you want to let your ex get under your skin AGAIN because he accused you of something that was very untrue, then you need to get a grip on yourself.
I would have told my ex ... this has nothing to do with you. If you feel so strongly, perhaps you need to go over and help her out yourself. I know where I was and when. I am no longer accountable to you.
Dealing with the uncles? Ignore, be polite, fake it and make the day a delight for your grandmother. After all, SHE needs you more than they do and this is why you are going over there.
If you cannot put aside some hurt feelings for relatives who have no idea how to lead independent, productive lives then you are no better than them and their narrow minded ways.
Pull on your big girl underwear and fake a smile and just reply with 'Thats nice' or 'Oh really'.
If they try to get into a fight with you, tell them this is not the time or place and sit next to your grandmother. They will not pick a fight with you sitting next to her.
Do not expect a thank you or anything else. They are cretins and do not know any better. Your grandmother knows the truth. And your ex's opinion of you and how you conduct yourself within your own family doesn't matter.
YAH, you rent out too much headspace to the negative people in your life. Your ex and his opinion of you, your uncles and their opinion of you .... why is it importnat to have the approval of all these people and that they see what a wonderful person you are? If this was the case you would not be divorced and be a LOT closer to your uncles etc.
--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
|
cpnebraska
addict
Reged: 09/08/08
Posts: 541
|
|
Focus on the kids! Yours and your nieces & nephews.
That's how I deal with things when I want to rip off someones head but can't. Kids will always provide you with a distraction. "Oh look susie needs help" or "what a cute bear timmy" etc.... Chat it up with them and your grandmother and you should have a good Christmas.
Think of a few "escape" lines if the conversation goes somewhere you don't like. Someone you have to call to wish Merry Christmas etc.
If they won't stop maybe interrupt them with a "merry christmas uncle3" smile and slide on by. If you feel your smile slipping, watch the kids I bet one is doing something that will give you a good giggle.
That's all the advice I can give. I have certain people that won't take hints about a bad time for subjects.
Oh and walk in with lots in your arms. Perfect way to avoid those hugs ;)
--------------------
Having one kid makes you a parent, two makes you a referee!
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
Not discounting anything you said, just want to clarify, I have no issues with Ex and his opinions of me. On this issue, Ex was and continues to be, very supportive.
|
KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
|
|
You said your ex called you asking "What the hell is going on..." I took the premise to be that he was interferring in your family business.
--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
LOL...I see where you got that...but it was more an exasperated "wth?!?!?" he knows my family well...
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
|
|
There is definitely a time for confrontation and standing up for yourself. This is not that time. I don't want to say it (and not reading the other responses someone else may have already) but this could possibly be your grandmother or grandfathers last Christmas. You are not putting on a happy face for the rest of the family but for the grandmother you love so much you can't stand to see her cry. The grandmother you spent the better part of 2 weeks staying in the hospital with.
You have to pick not only your battles but strategize the best time to fight them. As for hugs, put your hand up and say (pick your favorite) I was recently exposed to.... a nasty cold, the flu, malaria, rabies, poison ivy or a very communicable social disease.......and it's probably not a good idea to get too close. That should stop them!
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
shortmarriage
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/07/08
Posts: 1773
|
|
For some reason, you seem to feel the need to set everyone straight. Whether it's your Ex, the Booster Club, the teacher of your kids, your Mother, your Grandmother, or your Uncles.
There doesn't need to be any confrontation at your Grandmother's house, no need for a letter to the others in order for you to feel better about going over there, there should be no putting up your hands to block the hugs and responding with, "don't talk to me."
It appears that you see things in such extremes. Balance is very important in life. Like Red says, it's not 8 or 800.
When I adjust my own attitude, lot's of things change. And it's much easier than trying to change things that I have no control over. Especially, the past!
YAH, I hope you can find a way to carry yourself with dignity and respect. Merry Christmas!
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
