meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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I posted this on the Child Custody board, but thought I'd post it here also since it does have to do with step familys also.
I have thought hard about posting this, and have even talked to a few posters here about posting this. This has been something that has been building up for almost a year,and I didnt know how people would react to something like this as I've never seen anything like this here, but it all came to ahead Thursday and I just need to talk about it.
This is not about me, but a very close family member.
Here are some background facts because I know there will be questions.
BM and BD were married and divorced when their son was 2 years old. BM married again within 6 months and before the son was 3. BD started dating and moved in with GF after a year. BD and GF got married after living together for 7 years and are still married. BM and SD were married for 12 years and divorced last year. BM remarried within 3 months and is now planning on moving out of state with her new husband.....but is leaving her son behind.
He is now almost 16. He has stated that he want's to live with his SD#1 and BM is all for this. BD told his son he wanted him to live with him and the son told him he would run away or make his fathers life a living h#ll if he didnt go along with what he wanted.
Now for how custody was. When the BM and BD divorced they agreed to 50/50. True 50/50, no CS and no carrying clothes back and forth, each home had everything that was needed. When the son was around 11 there was a custody fight and the BD finally gave in and agreed to EOWE and CS. This was not the order of the court but was worked out between the parents, stepparents, the child and a court appointed Dr of Psychiatry. All envolved had sessions alone, then as a group. The Dr had suggested keeping things as they where at that time, but the son stated to the BD what he would do if that came to pass so the BD gave in and agreed to what the BM and son wanted.
Now fast forward and the BM went and signed all her rights over to the SD#1 and agreed to pay him 1/2 child support and the BD would pay the other half. The BD has mixed feelings on this. He knows and understands that his son is close to SD#1, that it really messed with his sons head when the BM and SD divorced. The SD#1 has remarried and the son was in the wedding, they are that close. But he wanted his son to live with him, but the son would hear none of this and made his threats as to what he would do if forced to do this.
So they went before the judge this past week.....what would you have done if you had been the BD? Would you ever agree to allowing your child to live with a former spouse or agree to signing over all rights to that former spouse? Would you as a mother or father give full custody to a stepparent? Would you give in to what your child wanted or force them to live with you and take the chance of them running off or even worse?
I will give the outcome later.
Thanks for reading, I know this was long and I did leave out alot there was no way I could have posted everything, but I will try to answer any questions.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I don't think you told us how far away SF and BD live from one another? I understand that S16 wants to live with SF, but I still don't know the difference in distance, just that BM is moving away.
I am asking because I wonder if S16 wants to live with SF because his school and home are there? I know that you stated the parents had a true 50/50 for some time, but I don't know if that is because they were miles apart, but in the same school district or miles apart but only a neighboring town away?
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meganb
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Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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The BD and SF live about 10 miles apart. The BM is moving 5 states away. Where the BD lives the schools are county, the SF lives in the city. The son is in the city school and has been for the last year. BD offered to pay the tuition for the son to still go to the city school.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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The Dr had suggested keeping things as they where at that time, but the son stated to the BD what he would do if that came to pass so the BD gave in and agreed to what the BM and son wanted.
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That was at age 11. Seems like son got what he wanted then and assumes he could do the same now. I don't think in all good conscience that I could allow my son to live with his step parent when there doesn't seem to be any other reason than he just wants to. Given that they live close enough the child could see the SF on the weekends or whatnot. I wouldn't give my permission as his father, out of curiosity though, does the son have behavioral issues? Do you see him following through in his threat?
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Gecko
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Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19801
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Honestly...not enough information:
- Why the custody battle when the child was 11?
- What is the current relationship between father and son?
- Why does son want to live with former step-father?
- How does the step-father feel about all of this?
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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I have to ask.....What dating services are all of these people using that they all got married again so quick ?
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I think if all of the adults truly feel that the 16 would do best with SD#1, that would be a remarkable gift for the BM and BD to agree to this.
My biggest concern is that the way this has been presented (and I understand you are trying to condense A LOT of info) is that this kid seems to think demanding what he wants on something so major, and backing it up with threats, is okay behavior. I'd feel better about this plan if his approach with his BD was "I love you, and want to see you frequently, but I really want to finish school with my friends and SD has been a great SD."
If he feels more of a 'dad' bond with SD rather than BD, I think that would be a bitter pill for BD to swallow, but I think that's a better reason than SD is more lenient or more generous with money or something like that.
I really don't get BM's position in this. I understand sometimes a family has to move for the good of the whole family, but if I had a 16 yo (and I do), I would do anything in my power to stay put for 2 more years and finish raising him. Obviously, I don't know the whole story here, but at face value, I'm going with sounds like the kid would be better off with SD than with his BM.
Is anyone thinking about college/career in all of this ?
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meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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*****out of curiosity though, does the son have behavioral issues? Do you see him following through in his threat?*****
Yes Cassie, the boy does have behavioral issues, he was kicked out of 4th grade and was moved to a school for troubled children for the rest of that school year, and then the parents changed schools at the beginning of the next school year.
Do I see him following through with his threats....maybe, I've know this young man since he was 2-3 and yes I could.
He's the type that could do no wrong and it came back to bite the BM and BD big time as he grew older.
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meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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*****I really don't get BM's position in this. I understand sometimes a family has to move for the good of the whole family, but if I had a 16 yo (and I do), I would do anything in my power to stay put for 2 more years and finish raising him. Obviously, I don't know the whole story here, but at face value, I'm going with sounds like the kid would be better off with SD than with his BM.
Is anyone thinking about college/career in all of this ?*****
Yes the SD#1 wanted it put in the papers that the BM and BD would both help with college...The BM flat out said no and the BD said he would help but as things stood now that there was no way that the child could get into any college. The SD#1 told them both to forget it and he would take care of it.
The BM has stated that he is better off where he is and it's now her time to live her life. I really think he's to much for her to handle plus her new husband and the son have never even tried to bond...so she picked husband #3.
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meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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- Why the custody battle when the child was 11?
To be frank...mostly lies, which were proven in court. But the BD felt at that time it would be better to give in to what the boy claimed to want at that time.
- What is the current relationship between father and son?
It's rocky at best, when the son wants something he calls or comes to see the BD and ask for it. Really he is closer to his SM than his BD. The BD has always been the type that money takes care of any problem and this has rubbed off on the child. So when the child wants something he comes to visit, when not they dont see or hear from him.
- Why does son want to live with former step-father?
He is closer to him than he is to either of his parents. He always had a bond with his SD#1 and the SM (BD's wife) and he is close to the SD#1 wife also.
- How does the step-father feel about all of this?
The SD#1 felt this would be the best for the boy. He and the BD's wife were the ones who really cared or tryed to care for this boy. The bond between the SD#1 and the boy is very strong.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3153
Loc: SC
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"The BM has stated that he is better off where he is and it's now her time to live her life. I really think he's to much for her to handle plus her new husband and the son have never even tried to bond...so she picked husband #3. "
Holy Crap. I just found our BM's clone. Nothing substantive to add, but the similarities in situations just made me do a double take.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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