LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Hmmm... this is a tough one. Honestly? While I'd rather not know particulars about what goes on in Dad's home, or know about ex.. I DO want my child to feel comfortable telling me ANYTHING. And yeah, that means I sometimes hear more than I want to hear.
BUT, it also keeps me informed AND lets me know when the rules are being broken etc. Like in our case, I have a no-contact order with my ex's first wife and my daughter. If my daughter DIDN'T talk to me freely? I wouldn't know that was being violated.. on a regular/consistent basis.
I wouldn't know that he allows her to go 24+ hours without urinating. Regularly.
So yeah, I hear a bunch of drivel I do NOT care about? But she tells me EVERYTHING. I have raised her in an environment where secrets are BAD and anything you are made to feel like you SHOULD hide? Probably SHOULDN'T be hidden. She knows she can come to me and tell me ANYTHING, about anyone or anything.. even if I don't like it. Even if it won't make me happy. We don't hide things, we don't have secrets, we don't lie and everyone should have one person they can TOTALLY trust. Good, bad, or ugly.
Now, to each their own.. I couldn't do what you're doing. To me, and it's just MY opinion, it sets the standard/seed for hiding things later about OTHER stuff. DD's father is like that. Don't ask, don't tell. And you know what it's resulted in? A kid who is afraid to disagree. Afraid to share how she really feels. Afraid of rejection. Faking her emotions when she's there so she doesn't get rejected. Why? Because she can't be open and honest.
I just think it's a bad, bad precedent to set with kids. 6 years old, can see it sooooo clearly in my own daughter, what a difference it makes. Open environments, versus closed ones.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I think that working on ideas with your therapist might help your situation.
These are grown people you are dealing with, btw, not kids. I'm not entirely convinced that they don't do hurtful things on purpose.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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It is a difficult position to be in. While I understand to a degree how his ex feels, it puts undue guilt onto the girls, guilt they don't need to be under. I lived my life with guilt, mum was a master at it. She did the same as their mother; guilted me into doing things I resented b/c I was afraid to hurt her feelings. This is the biggest hurdle I need to get over. That and learning how to deal with the skids without feeling as if I don't deserve to be there or love them. Younger SD's bf told me she raves about me, in a good way, and that sometimes she likes me more than her dad. While that felt good to know and hear, it also hurt me b/c I know how it would hurt H. I would NEVER tell him that. I guess it's because I wasn't the "parent", and I speak my mind without (or trying not to) judge them. They've come to respect me and understand what I say and appreciate my honesty. I don't want to lose that. I am sorry to hear about your child though. It is very painful for a young child to have to lie or feel so uncomfortable with the other parent they can't be themselves. My heart goes out to you and your child. Been there done that. It s*cks.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I'm just not into my kiddos gossiping about what happens at Dad's house.
I do not need to know everything that happens - like when he got in a fight with his current woman he had to sleep in the garden shed. Or the last woman used her plants for ashtrays. Really, I don't care.
THere is a difference between gossiping, telling if something dangerous happens, or disagreeing with something.
It would be easy to pump my kids for info about their Dad's house, really easy. They don't see Dad very often and don't have any kind of trust built with him. But, I don't.
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Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3374
Loc: right here ----->
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I don't think the responsibility should be on the child to decide what to keep from mommy or what to hide from daddy.
Kids should feel comfortable in their homes...both of them..the freedom to talk about the other parent shows maturity on the part of the listening adult..
That said..Char's daughters are grown, they have to KNOW that talking about their mother makes Char uncomfortable..in that case, they aren't being very mature about their conversations...
With all things being equal, children, adult or otherwise, shouldn't have to act like the other parent doesn't exist...its a reality that it took two people to make that child who at one point, felt kindly towards each other...
I wouldn't tolerate a child, adult or otherwise, using the other parent to be hateful or condescending to me, or actively comparing households, etc etc... but to NOT be able to say something that involves the other parent...? To not be able to mention her in a passing conversation...? is just not very realistic...and believe it or not, I've defended her on a few occasions that taught my SC's that it was uncool to play both ends to the middle and it wouldn't happen in our house...if its important..tell us, but otherwise, keep it respectful...
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Thanks Char.. I appreciate that.. I've taken the road I have largely because you and I? Have VERY similar "issues" ;) In marrying ex? I basically married a male version of my mother.. emotionally speaking. He just hid it REALLLYYYY well and by the time the red flags really started appearing? I was already pregnant and getting married. I came THISCLOSE to cancelling our wedding. In hindsight? I should have.
Moving ahead to now.. My current situation is going to become a lot like yours. One of "those" mothers.. emotionally needy.. will use the kids to play victim.. Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Should be fun, but I'm very well prepared for it now, lol.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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But, Char, aren't these women and not girls? IMO, they should know by now if they are hurting your feelings.
Isn't one in the middle of a divorce and has a home of her own? The SS is an officer in the military.
My ex used to blame a lot of his feelings about family on his parents and his StepMom. IMO, when you get past a certain age, you need to take responsiblity for your own actions and your reactions to situations. A grown up knows if they are being mean or hateful unless they have some type of psychiatric disorder.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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You said that well, Reilly.
-------it was uncool to play both ends to the middle and it wouldn't happen in our house...if its important..tell us, but otherwise, keep it respectful.
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spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
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Your SD's sound like nutjobs, sort of like their mother. It seems your SS is the only normal one of the bunch, and probably the only one who will hold down a long term job.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Holy crap. I kind of agree with the resident Archie Bunker... lol.
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