Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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and a little angry at myself for not going on the trip. At the very least to be supportive of SS. BM wrote a note on FB about how she was glad the girls got to be there to see their brother commissioned. One of their friends posted something about how lucky he is to have such a supportive "family". I feel like I'm never going to be "part" of that family. It will always be BM, H and the kids. I know that's normal, but why am I angry and ready to cry reading that???? Why did I deprive myself of this important part of SS's life? I feel selfish, and just like mum right now. She'd pull shyte like that too. Then boo hoo when she didn't go somewhere or do something b/c she "said" she didn't want to when in reality she did. Ok, someone slap me and stop me from feeling sorry for myself b/c right now I am wallowing in the crap. LOL
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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Shoulda coulda woulda's Char DO NOT do this to yourself - at the time you made the decision you needed to to keep your emotional health in check.
You ARE a part of the "family" you have been a part of the "family" for 15 years.
And it is NOT always going to be BM, H, and the kids because it IS YOU, H, kids, and BM and therapy should help you to see that once you allow yourself to see the worth you have and the contributions you make to the "family" the "family" includes YOU.
Go take a bubble bath and have a cocktail if you are so inclined and just be happy for your SS and his accomplishment - it is about him after all.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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There IS a part that will always be your H, BM and the kids. There is another part that will be you , H and the kids and another that will be BM, her H and the kids. She's not going away and she is always going to be your Skids parent whether you go to functions or not.
The way I see it YOU made the decison not to go so no one hurt you. The comment made about your SS having a supportive family was not made to slap you across the face. You didn't have to be there to be supportive . BM's comment about being glad the girls were there was NOT a dig at you.
You really need to stop taking everything so personally. When you make a decision then own it, don't second guess it and live with it.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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Like I said, I was wallowing, and taking things too personally last night. Logically, I know I am part of the family, as evidenced by SD's comment a few weeks ago; that sometimes she likes me more than her dad. That she thinks I'm "awesome". That is why I am in therapy, to stop the second guessing, wondering, and taking everything everyone says as a personal affront. It has always been my biggest downfall, as was mum's. I need help in building the tools to work on this, and that is why I will continue the therapy. Thank you. :)
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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Yes, I made the choice b/c I needed to stay clear of the drama that I knew would take place. I was and am still in too much of an emotionally fragile state to be around BM at family functions. Logically I know these comments were not directed at me as a dig or slap in the face. I don't know why I suddenly had that feeling last night. I did start HRT again, along with progesterone. So now I'm on Xanax, Lexapro and that. LOL. I'm a walking pill box right now. Hopefully things will get better. I just need to get my head straight and stop the negative self talk. That will take time. But I am determined to stop it and be more positive. :)
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7783
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Stop comparing yourself to your mom. You are not your mom. So stop. When I start to get down and notice I'm thinking negative thoughts I make a list in my head of all the wonderful things in my life. Before I know it, I can't even remember why I was sad. Make a list of those things and when you start to feel down, read your list.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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1. Everything is not about you. They have lives that don't involve you. You need a life that doesn't revolve around them.
2. Unfriend BM and the SD's on Facebook. Easy Peasy. FB wasn't around just a few years ago. How did you communicate with the SD's before FB?
3. Why do you care if the SDs like you more than their Mom? Why does it matter?
4. Do you work outside the home? or are you involved in any outside activities (bowling, volunteering, going to the gym, church, wine making, etc)? Perhaps if you had another outside activity you woulnd't worry so much abut what BM is doing.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7783
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I think this is really helpful advice.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I agree with #1 and #4. I would NOT delete SD from your FB unless you decide to delete your FB entirely. I think deleting a family member will cause an uproar. Why would you delete a SD? You don't need to use FB as a tool to investigate or to understand why so and so feels the way they do.
Char you have to remember not to take everything so personally. These kids will have a more attached- dare I say "special"?- bond with their biological parents because they are just that, biological parents.
I actually think the way you feel is almost normal at times, but borderline obsessive. You will feel HURT at times, as a stepparent. You will feel like you don't belong when your H, the X and his kids have special moments that you aren't partaking in.
There will be days where you want to be friends with BM because you think it will make life easier. There are days where you wish you could run and hide from all of them because maybe that would make life easier? Those are all feelings, that as a stepparent in a peculiar situation, you will feel. It's what you DO with those feelings, it's whether you allow them to continue to fester in your mind and in your soul- that matters. Will you allow yourself some happiness Char, someday? Do you feel that you DESERVE it? I think you need to start there- with you, first and foremost. Once you realize you do deserve it, that the past is HISTORY, that you have been forgiven and you MUST forgive yourself- only then will the healing process take place.
Until then, I think ssmom's advice is a great one. Write down things that make you happy, write down your greatest qualities and when you are feeling low read them. You know I have been running lately... I started off walking and then running and walking until I am running 1.5-3 miles per day. It's MY time. It's a time where I can allow (Thank God for the glorious weather of Spring and Summer) ME to enjoy the warm breeze, the sun and the way my pony tail shrugs back and forth as I watch my shadow on the ground in front of me. You need something to make you feel accomplished. I suggested seeing what your local Public library has. Taking a class- sewing, pottery, cooking, computer- SOMETHING to meet new people, do something for yourself and allow yourself some ME time where you are making a difference in YOUR life. Allow yourself that Char, because if you can't do that for YOU- how can expect anyone to?
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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[quote]Like I said, I was wallowing, and taking things too personally last night. Logically, I know I am part of the family, as evidenced by SD's comment a few weeks ago; that sometimes she likes me more than her dad. That she thinks I'm "awesome". That is why I am in therapy, to stop the second guessing, wondering, and taking everything everyone says as a personal affront. It has always been my biggest downfall, as was mum's. I need help in building the tools to work on this, and that is why I will continue the therapy. Thank you. :) [/quote]
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Allow yourself some time to wallow.....then remind yourself that that is not the whole story.
You CHOSE not to go on this trip.....for a REASON !
I have chronic pain issues. When I am in a pain flare and my kids are obnoxious......I have thoughts that they are just mean and cruel individuals. Worries that they inherited some of their gene pools from their dad......and that they will never be able to empathize with others because they are disrespectful to me when I am down. Then I have lower pain days when I can see rationally that they are normal teens, and have their self absorbed moments, but that I do have a lot to be thankful for. They have their obnoxious times, but they do seem to be on a decent track.
Have your momenta of stress. Feel the anger and the frustration. Then.....start a new day and re-evaluate with a fresh perspective.
You knew there would be times to treasure on this occassion. You also knew there could be times marked by old conflicts....that's why you CHOSE not to participate in this event. You have other memories with your ss....and you will make more. You avoided this trip for a reason. You didn't want to engage in new conflicts with bm during this time. You have avoided that conflict. Mission accomplished. Don't second guess yourself now.
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