annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I have a cousin by marriage who fell into some trouble a couple years ago and is out on parole and my hubby wants to allow him to come here and park his motor-home on our property to stay for a while. I do not necessarily agree.
My hubby has been friends with him since they were in junior high and I have known the man for about 25 years. He is still married to my cousin but they are divorcing because of the trouble he got into and she almost went down with him (they were married 23 years). He became a drug dealer, which I still cannot figure it out for the life of me why - I never saw that happening in a million years and he was never the type to take part in something like that.
I really think it is a bad idea but also want him to be able to start a new life - just not here. My cousin is so embarrassed and humiliated that she hasn't spoken to any of the family or friends for two years. He hadn't worked for five years before this happened due to physical injuries and she is/was a well respected member of society - she is an assistant principle at a school - she was cleared of all wrong doing since she had no idea what he was doing when she was at work. I don't know if I totally believe she knew nothing given it was going on in her own home but I wasn't there and she isn't the type to do that but then again neither was he...
I am curious as to what others think? Would you give him a chance? I do know he learned his lesson and he did spend two years in prison and now is on parole for 27 months and has 20 months left.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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No way in hell. I have zero tolerance for drugs.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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You know I think it really depends on the person annieo. He may find that one of the natural consequences of his actions is a loss of trust on the part of those around him, including you and the feelings you have about him parking and staying for a while.
Plus, what's a while? What happens if he starts up again?
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I guess I probably let him as long as I had the number to his parole officer and he knew straight up - I will turn your azz in the first time I see the HINT of drugs or drug users on my property.
I assume this was his first offense and I would want it to be his last, but I wouldn't want it more than HE wants it - ya know. Because that never works.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
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For me there would be a couple of factors.
My house is my sanctuary. A safe haven for me and my family so to speak. If I can, I will stop anything I know will jeopardize the balance of that or not allow it to happen in the first place. Only you can determine how his being there will effect you and your families home life.
If you do let him move there are you willing and ready to set your rules and guidelines to his being there? Clearly let him know what the consequences are if he breaks or ignores any of them? Also are you ready to enforce them? Will you and your husband be on the same page about all of that?
If I were you I explore how this will effect your extended family. Starting with the cousin he was married to. Working my way down the line. If it were to strain any existing relationship with any of your family members, then again for me it would not happen.
You mentioned he had not worked for 5 years prior to being arrested due to a physical disability. Has that cleared up or is he still disabled? How does he now make a living? Since you said, he was never the type to do what he did, it could be his desperate need to keep up the money and status he had prior to his disability that drove him to deal. Another reason could be through his disability he could have developed a drug addiction to what he was prescribed that got out of control. If any of those are a possibility have they been cleared up or rectified to where they would not happen again?
Since you said he has learned his lesson and is ultimately a nice guy, is there any other way to help without giving up a part of your personal life and home? Are you in a the position to help him secure somewhere else to put his motor home? Maybe help pay the lot rent up for him by a couple of months? Keep phone and personal contact with him? Have a standing dinner date to come to your home one night a week? Or a buy him lunch somewhere once a week if you aren't comfortable with a weekly guest? Drive him to appointments to keep him company? Not all of that needs to be done. That is just some examples.
One thing I would do. No matter what you decide be up front and tell him the truth and whys of it. Right now the one thing he does need is truth. He is the one that created the position he is in. There will always be consequences to that position. He doesn't need it to be whitewashed.
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Gecko
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Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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He became a drug dealer, which I still cannot figure it out for the life of me why
---> Desperate people do desperate things. But perhaps you should ask him.
I don't know if I totally believe she knew nothing given it was going on in her own home but I wasn't there and she isn't the type to do that but then again neither was he...
---> So long as you aren't using your own merchandise, don't have customers coming to your home and can explain the income or don't flash the cash...it's actually pretty easy to hide it. Hell, I was selling weed the last two years of high school...my parents had no idea. I also had a friend in Arizona that, if I had been more naive I would have never figured that he was a major dealer, but it took me almost a year as it was because he hid it that well.
I am curious as to what others think? Would you give him a chance?
---> Why not? You are going to want to sit down and talk to him...probably find out why he did what he did, discuss his future plans and boundaries.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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I say yes, but put a time limit. He deserves a second chance. You said prior to this he was an outstanding citizen. However, let him know he has to gain your trust back.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3154
Loc: SC
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You lost me at "drug dealer". I hope he *is* able to start his life over and be a happy, healthy, law-abiding, productive member of society.
Just go be law-abiding and productive somewhere else.
Drug dealers have enemies. No.Way.In.HELL would I allow him around my home.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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In my state there is a 2 week time limit that you can stay at each campground, but the state campgrounds are cheap (and some even oceanfront !).....$12 a day. Giving him $336 could 'house' him for 4 weeks.....and then he wouldn't be dumping his 'black water' on your land/in your toilet. I think in NY state, rates start at $8/night.
What are his plans for food expenses ?
Will he be able to get a job ?
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Good thinking, finz. I was coming up with some of the same ideas:
Does this guy have a job? If not, he's going to be living off you until he can get a job. With his background and the job market, that might be a VERY long time.
You'll be feeding him.
He's going to need to bathe. He'll be using your bathroom, soap and shampoo and towels.
He's going to want to watch cable tv and use the internet.
He will need to use a phone, yours (long distance charges?) or he'll have to get on your phone plan or be able to pay his own phone and plan.
He will need clean clothes.
Does he have a vehicle and a license? Can he drive himself around (if he can afford gas)?
This could be a long, drawn out camper visit.
Correct me if my hunches are wrong.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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I am assuming that since you are here you are either a divorced mom or a stepmom. And that the kids from the prior relationship do spend some time where you live.
You are opening yourself up for a custody battle. I know that I would fight any drug dealers being around my kids.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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Actually my stepchildren are grown and the child I have at home is mine and my husbands - married 22 years Saturday and my our son is 10.
English - most of your hunches are wrong.
He gets alimony from my cousin (gross I know) but it is what it is - she is getting the house and land and so she pays him $1000/m
He has a vehicle which is licensed and has insurance and he has a license.
He has a cell phone - one of those pay for the minutes up front deals and he has no one to call but my husband and his parole officer
I can get him out easily with the parole officers help if the rules are not followed and he knows darn well I will do it - I put my ss in a program when he was a teen that resulted in me having to have him taken to Juvie more then once - so I don't tend to play games and most know that about me.
His motor home is self-contained and he can afford to dump it and pay for propane.
He has offered to help with the yard work and help me paint and tile make my home improvements this summer - he is experienced in that area - he built his own home - the one my cousin is getting.
He is still on parole so he has drug tests and in this area the officer can drive up at any time and test him.
Finz
There are free places to camp here that are actually quite great - we go all the time in our motor home. My hubby said that he will be allowed to go there for a week at a time as agreed to by his parole officer.
"a while" is three months ETA: 3 months to start and if it works out ok - another 3 months and then the snow will set in and he will do something else because we get too much snow here.
Do I think he will use drugs or something of that nature - no I don't but I never thought he would in the first place - just not trusting my own judgement on that right now...
He is 51 years old and has aged greatly in prison.
Arden:
One of my biggest issues is my extended family and how that will play out. I honestly just wish it would all go away and I wouldn't have to deal with it...
I am torn because she is my cousin and he is my husbands best friend for years - I met my hubby through my cousin and her husband - we had always spent so much time together up until the couple years before all of this transpired. We were each others maid of honors and best mans in our weddings etc...
I really do not want him here but my husband wants to give him a second chance and I know if I were ever in the need of a second chance I would hope to get one....
Gecko - I would love to sit down and talk to him about what the he!! happened - he is a reasonable man so I really want to know what made him do what he did.
I appreciate everyone responding - I have gotten some ideas and you got me thinking about things I hadn't thought about.
My first response was absolutely not but it isn't that simple as much as I wish it was it isn't. I did tell my husband I am not in favor of this and I want us to talk about it some more before anything more transpires - I also want to meet face to face with the Parole Officer not just talking on the phone.
I am open to more comments and ideas etc...
Thanks so much for all the responses =)
Edited by annieo (06/06/12 11:40 PM)
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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"He gets alimony from my cousin- she pays him $1000/m"
----->Does he have a job? Are you providing this service for nothing?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Drugs are a no go at my home, but I'd be tempted to help out as long as rules were clearly established in advance.
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Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3374
Loc: right here ----->
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I think its honorable to want to help someone..to give someone a hand up as long as they're following the rules and working to improve their life...
Provided there is no harm to you or your family, and everyone is comfortable, I don't know why you couldn't help if you can.
One caveat, as JJ put it...drug dealers make enemies..I'd be a bit leary of that....especially with a child in the home...drug dealers don't care who they hurt as long as they get their message across...
Edited to correct grammar..
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
Edited by Reilly (06/07/12 07:09 AM)
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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"One caveat, as JJ put it...drug dealers make enemies..I'd be a bit leary of that....especially with a child in the home...drug dealers don't care who they hurt as long as they get their message across..."
He was caught in a sting from someone else getting caught and turning him in. He turned in no one and did not go to trial and he plead guilty and got a seven year sentence for which he served two years and now on parole for the 27 months.
No guns or violence involved. He isn't an angry man or a violent one and when we found out what all happened we were shocked and are somewhat still in disbelief that it happened.
We live seven hours away from where it all took place, which is part of the reason we didn't have as much contact the few years before all this transpired - we still saw one another and went camping and the phone etc... but not spontaneous dinners or shopping with my cousin or what have you. Seven hours makes everyday/spontaneous things impossible.
This is something I hadn't thought of so I really appreciate the responses.
I kind of feel like we should give him the chance but I also know my extended family likely will not understand and I don't blame them because I am having a hard time with it - I wish I could talk to my cousin and have her weigh in on this but she is not talking to anyone yet - she was on a pedestal and well she had a long way to fall and she did. I like my life the way it is but there is this part of me that keeps saying....wouldn't you like a second chance if you ever needed one and then I practically smack myself and say reality check you really do not want this - my husband wants to allow it. We are usually so in sink with what we want to do, not always, but for the most part.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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A cousin that hasn't communicated with me - embarrassed or not - I wouldn't worry much about her opinion. Sounds like she is isn't in your life so you have nothing to lose there.
I would want my family who may take issue to find out from me - not that pissed off cousin. But you are a grown azz adult who can have whomever you want on your property. I would tell them - hey DH wants to help out his friend who happens to be cousins ex. He is going to be parking him motor home on our property for the summer. End of discussion. I have found that when we don't seek approval - people tend to let it go. And you don't need theirs. Your house -your call.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3154
Loc: SC
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Given the distance from where this occurred and the circumstances around the bust, I'd be willing to change my opinion. I will say that you need to make sure not only what the ground rules are, but get agreement from your H and from the guy about what will happen if the ground rules get broken.
I also tend to agree with the perspective of don't ask for permission from anyone - your home, your decision. If the cousin hasn't been around before this, no need to discuss it with her now. The extended family doesn't get a vote.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3374
Loc: right here ----->
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[quote] I will say that you need to make sure not only what the ground rules are, but get agreement from your H and from the guy about what will happen if the ground rules get broken. [quote]
>>>>THIS...In retrospect, an agreement between you and DH is just as important as anything...You guys need to be on the same page, maybe moreso than anyone else..
[/quote]I also tend to agree with the perspective of don't ask for permission from anyone - your home, your decision. If the cousin hasn't been around before this, no need to discuss it with her now. The extended family doesn't get a vote. [/quote]
>>>>Totally agree with this...
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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He gets alimony from my cousin (gross I know)
---> Is it 'gross' for a woman to receive alimony?
I am torn because she is my cousin and he is my husbands best friend for years
---> When my older sister and her husband divorced, I remained good friends with my BIL. My sister got mad, felt I was taking his 'side'...I told she could get glad as fast as she got mad, because I was not a party to their marriage. You are NOT 'betraying' your family my helping your husband's good friend. If anything, your cousin has betrayed you, but cutting off her nose to spite her face and she needs to look in the mirror.
Do I think he will use drugs or something of that nature
---> Just because you deal drugs, does NOT mean that you use drugs.
I would love to sit down and talk to him about what the he!! happened - he is a reasonable man so I really want to know what made him do what he did.
---> Ya'll are going to need to sit down and talk about goals and boundaries, so ignoring the elephant in the room isn't going to do anyone any good. I'll bet you a buck that his dealing his related to his being unable to contribute to the financial support of his family.
I also want to meet face to face with the Parole Officer not just talking on the phone.
---> That is an excellent idea. Having a [censored] understanding of the conditions of his probation will go a long ways to helping him out. It can also solidify a support network...for you as well.
I am open to more comments and ideas etc...
---> Some things I learned from having ex-fiance's brother living with us:
1. He's going to need structure/consequences. When in jail/prison, a person's day is structured...you are told when to eat, to work, to rest, to play, to sleep. The longer a person is in jail/prison, the more heavily they rely on that structure and why so many fail when they get on the outside. It's why there are 'half-way houses'...they continue the structure, but with increasing freedoms as they learn/relearn person responsibility and accountability.
2. No man is an island. Depending on how long you have been in jail/prison, friendships are formed inside; naturally, these friendships are lost to you once you are released. Because it's normal to crave acceptance, it can be damn difficult to make new friends...who wants to be 'friends' with someone who was in jail for xx years for drugs, burglary, etc. So what happens, is that they often go back to the friends they once had and they end back up in trouble.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I think alimony is just as wrong for a woman.
He doesn't use the drugs (one of the reasons I would be more inclined to allow him to be here on the property) he sold them and I agree that it probably had something to do with losing his ability to help financially support his household. He always worked and he worked a lot - my husband and he worked together for years before we moved to Alaska. He came up to our place in Alaska for two weeks to fish and help my husband fix up our house twenty years ago.
There are no children involved thank goodness.
I am not seeking my families approval so much as I do not want to hurt them by helping what they view as the "enemy" my family is a bit strange with some things they only believe in divorce if there is physical abuse involved and accepting this divorce is new to them - I know this is antiquated and, to me, not logical. What helps is that it was a law breaking situation (a bad one at that) and we don't break the law. There has only been one divorce in my entire family and that was when my ex uncle took aim at my aunt and missed and shot out the television.
I think saying that my husband is helping his longtime friend is an excellent idea because everyone knows how long they have been friends. I am still not in favor of the situation but I have to look at my husbands want too, not just mine.
Thank you for the information about when your ex fiances brother lived with you. Very good things to think about.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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The parole officer came by the house today and he is very nice and he told me that in our state that it used to be if there was an issue the officer could make a discressionary call and either issue a violation or not but now there is no discression and if there is a violation one goes to jail.
He said that if I have any questions or issues to please call him anytime.
My cousins husband has to go to the bigger town once a month and check in with the parole officer and the officer can show up when ever and check things out. The officer can check out the motor home but not our house as he is not being give access to our home - unless we all have dinner together but not as anytime access. I don't have anything to hide but who wants spontaneous visits in their house.
I don't know that it is happening for sure and I am still not sold on the idea...
Thanks again for all the responses and advice =)
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