Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
|
|
My oldest D has decided not to invite my x's wife to her graduation. They (daughter, x and his wife) have had a rocky relationship over the past several years and havespoken very little in the past 2. The only time they see each other now is at functions for his side of the family when his parents invite her to be there.
Life with my daughter has admittedly not been easy. She is bi-polar and has ODD. A HORRIBLE combination. My x is not her dad, although he has raised her since she was a baby. We divorced when she was 7 and he begged to have the same parenting time with her as he did with our other daughters. The courts didn't give him any rights or responsibilties but I agreed because it was best for both of them. Even when they decided she wasn't welcome in their home anymore I didn't bad mouth them. I didn't tell them how I felt and I didn't tell her.
I have been caught in the middle, having both x and his wife blowing up my phone with text messages about how horrible and rude she is. (Actually she wasn't rude. She told X how she felt and told him that while she really wanted him to be there she understood if he didn't want to go.) He flipped out on me today telling me that he was going to be there with his parents and our 16yo and I better not look for them because he wasn't going to be anywhere near me. So I guess I will not get pictures of her with his parents (her only grand parents since both of parents have passed away) or with her sister or with us.
I have tried to get her to change her mind, but her point is that she shouldn't always have to suck everything up and she shouldn't have been the one to try to hold on to the relationship by herself since she's the kid. (I can't argue that.) So as usual I'm the biotch even though I had no idea she had made this decision until AFTER she called him and he called me. Now I'm putting up with the harrasing text messages from a man who forgets all I've done for him over the psat 6 years.
I am so sick of the drama. I try to avoid it. I try to duck when I see it coming but somehow it STILL hits me. *sigh*
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
|
|
Is this the ex that was in legal trouble years back? Or do I have you confused with someone else?
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
|
|
I hate to hear that Debi, I know you've done pretty good at getting along with sm. Sd told me that I was invited to the graduation but her mother said I was not welcome to the party afterword but dh was. I wasn't going to travel 2000 miles to sit in a hotel room while dh went to the party. Dh said he wasn't going either. I encouraged him to go, but he said no way. Bm screamed that he didn't respect his daughters wishes....I'm guessing she didn't know that sd said it was her mother that said it.
|
elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8834
|
|
And this is why we always celebrate separately - well that and DH would rather eat glass than go to a party with BM and her family.
We usually do the anti-party party. We think we will take SD on a cruise for her graduation.
--------------------
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
I have tried to get her to change her mind, but her point is that she shouldn't always have to suck everything up and she shouldn't have been the one to try to hold on to the relationship by herself since she's the kid. (I can't argue that.)
---> Sure you can. She may be graduating high school, but she obviously still has a child's view of what being an adult is. There are tons of times with we have to 'suck it up'...clients, customers, bosses, managers, co-workers if we want to keep our jobs. If you don't, you end up like my youngest daughter...she's almost 23 and has only had one job...that lasted a week. On a personal level, there are tons of times when you also have to 'suck it up' because you're not going to like everyone you meet and not everyone is going to like you. Again, like my daughter, you end up with very few people who are willing to put up with your sh*t and that includes family.
---> As for the latter...a bit of an oxymoron. On one hand she made an adult decision and an adult statement, but is falling back on being a 'kid' to get out of the fallout. Normal for that age, but with adult decisions come adult responsibilities and one of those is inviting your father's wife to your graduation because it's the right thing to do.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
You sound like a "fixer" to me Debi. I am a fixer, but there are times in life you will realize you can't fix everything, this is one of those times!
Your child is an adult and if she refuses to allow her SM to be part of her special day there isn't much YOU can do about it. Too bad your X does not realize that...
With that said you can certainly give each side your opinions, but YOU can't force your child to do as her father wishes in regards to her SM. Stuck in the middle is an understatement!
Once the ceremony ends and your daughter has her diploma in her hand you will all convene to an area outside or inside- ALL of you. You will be there to see the pictures and you will be in pictures. I would hope your X would not cause any commotion at that point. Your daughter will probably be taking pictures with her best friends and family- you are ALL family, in that moment none of the disagreements should matter. It is your daughter's day and a day both her parents are surely proud of.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
but YOU can't force your child to do as her father wishes in regards to her SM.
---> Sure she can...said child isn't paying rent.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3374
Loc: right here ----->
|
|
[quote]but YOU can't force your child to do as her father wishes in regards to her SM.
---> Sure she can...said child isn't paying rent. [/quote]
So...you evict your child because she won't invite her SM to a graduation?
Doesn't seem a little harsh?
--------------------
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
|
Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9815
Loc: Arkansas
|
|
Well, it IS a public event, they don't have to be invited to attend. So if he and his parents are coming and they wont be anywhere near you, stands to reason, his wife can come too if she so chooses.
--------------------
Eternity is too long to be wrong.
|
gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
|
|
Personally, if I was invited to a graduation, but my wofe was not, I would show up, hand the child a nice card, with NOTHING in it, and explain that you gave her nothing, but step mom was gonna give her $500...guess you wish she would have been invited, huh?
--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
So...you evict your child because she won't invite her SM to a graduation?
---> BAER!
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
|
|
See, I would be more inclined to say I would evict my child if they refused to show normal compassion and respect for those that raised her.
--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
|
Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
|
|
I think it depends usually you need a ticket to get into graduation and those tickets come from the child. Some schools only allow a certain number per student to ensure seating for everyone.
I am a SM and if my stepchild did not want me there I would not attend. I do wonder if she will regret that decision someday?
My HS sweetheart and I parted ways right before graduation. He went on and on about how he wanted to be there to see me walk across the stage and receive my diploma. I made it perfectly clear that I did not want him there, that I would be mad if he were. He came anyway and I was mad. Months after and surely years after I think of how stupid I was to tell him he shouldn't come. He actually had friends in that class too and I don't know why I was so adamant of keeping him away. Control-- I knew he wasn't going to ruin my day by him just being there. I think, at the time, I just wanted what I wanted regardless of HIS feelings. I did that a lot back then.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
|
|
You are correct EM. And I cut him a WHOLE lot of slack. More than many, many people would have.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
|
|
There is much more to the story than I'd be able to write here. It's not just a matter of D being mad at SM and saying "You can't come." The situation has been YEARS in the making. She made the decision that D couldn't come to their house over 2 years ago. She didn't want her around. During that time D did try to establish a relationshiip with her again. It wasn't reciprocated. D DID suck it up A LOT, but I will stand by her when she says that as the child she should not have been the only one trying. How successful is ANY relationship when only one person tries?
It's not a matter of BM against SM. We have gotten along over the years and some of that is because i simply kept my mouth shut and let many things go.
The bottom line is that the tickets belong to my D (so no Avaya she can not just show up. It's not a public event even though it's a public high school) and they are hers to use as she sees fit. i did try to get her to change her mind, but I am not going to force her to change her mind.
SM did not raise her. She barely saw the kids during the 2.5 years x was on probation and D hasn't gone over there in over 2. She and x have been together for 8.The 3.5 years she has been around D weren't even continuous. it is not a secret that she doesn't like D. My other kids have told me things she has said about her. Not once did I ever confront her on it.
I don't blame them for being upset, but I don't appreciate the harrasing text messages. A person can only go so many years giving more than they get before it gets old. I've hit my limit. I've defended SM MANY times when the kids have been mad at her. X sits back and lets her take care of everything so of course they get mad at her and not him, but I'm done defending either of them. I'm at the point where I don't much care if i don't see either of them until the next graduation in 2 years.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
|
|
Is it a definite ticket thing, Debi ?
At ours, it was open invite if it was outdoors and the tickets only mattered if it was moved indoors due to rain.
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
She made the decision that D couldn't come to their house over 2 years ago.
---> Then that is what you need to tell your ex. Tell him to put on his big boy shorts...the ones without Spongebob and Spiderman...and be grateful that his daughter even wants him there. And if the harassing texts don't stop, you'll file an Injunction.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
|
|
Gecko,
If I remember correctly- there has been an issue with SM and child for many, many years... I actually think SM forbid daughter from coming to their house, but daughter had tried many times to work it out...
So, in this case... I agree with the daughter and dad is just going to have to get over it... SM put the child in an adult situation when she kicked her out or kept her from coming over..... Now they can deal with her adult decisions and dad is an ass for not getting that.....
In regards to the phone calls,etc... ignore them.. you can only be in the middle if you allow yourself... many years ago with daughter and ex would go at it... I was in the middle... NOW when they have issues with each other... I tell them both to handle it... NOT my problem.
|
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
|
|
why should child show compassion to a bytch when the btycn never showed compassion to her..... she wouldn't allow the child over to the house....
|
Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
|
|
Okay.. so I was right on the story...
I agree with daughter.... F' stepmom.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
