Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I see many posts on step dads/moms.
My mom was married 3 times. She is not an easy woman and has issues.
My Dad left when I was three and moved across the country and I had no contact with him all my life. It was like he didn't exist.
My 2nd step dad came into my life around 5 or so. He was basically a good man and filled the role of Dad as best he could but at that small age you just go with the flow. He was Dad. They got divorced when I was about 13 and it was done with.
I came home from school one day at 14 and my mother announced she had been married. Shock, anger and betrayal were what I remember, not against my step dad but my mother.
There was a block there. Its a unusual place to be when you have a step parent because you know they arent' your real parent but a step.
The 3rd time for my mom worked like a charm. The marriage lasted 25 or so years and he was a good man.
The regret I have is that I never got to tell him thanks for the love, commitment and caring he gave me.
When I read the posts here about the back and forth on step dads/moms I understand and I get it...I have had 3 dads.
If children have good people in their lives whether biological or step who care for them, have their best interest at heart, listen to them, care for them, have their backs thats about the best we can ask for.
I had a wonderful step dad and he is dead now and I regret that I will never have the chance to say thank you.
He was there for me in every aspect that counts so if we as parents can be a loving person in a kids life we can make a difference.
These days kids need all the support in the world from caring adults who can help set their feet on the right path and make them feel loved and cherished.
I am not criticizing anyone here but from my perspective now looking back, I was very lucky and blessed to have two step dads that took care of me, and were Dads in the real sense of the word.
Step parents can make a real difference in the life of a child. And at the end of the day, don't we all want the adults in our children's lives to love them just as much as we do?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Annie.....I agree with you and I hope that someday my daughter and SM can make ammends. Even though my 16yo has issues with her SM, I don't really think they are much different than the issues she has with me. I will never deny she has done a lot for D16 and D14 and I know she loves them. They also love her. I'm glad they do, and I have never felt that she has overstepped any "bounds" with them in regards to me. I am well aware of how much she does for the younger two and I'm grateful. It's nice to know that they have extra people in their lives who love them.
My post below about graduation started out being about the way X has been treating me rather than the issue between SM and D18
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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My take:
From my view as a young child with a new step dad, ease yourself into my life and slowly establish trust between us and never try to replace my bio parent, regardless of what position my bio parent has in my life at the time. Never, ever speak badly about either of my parents or allow me to over hear you speak badly. Respect that I my feelings, my sense of loss and understand my apprehension to you, a relative stranger in my home. Let our relationship grow based on trust and respect. Mostly, I am the child, I can not process like you can as an adult, give me time to adjust and learn who you are. Establish healthy boundries without making me feel unwanted or unloved by you, or an inconvenience in your relationship with my mother.
As a biomom to the new wife. I welcome you into my son’s life. Respect his feelings, his insecurities, his needs and his relationship with me. Do not try to replace me as you will find he will rebel. Treat my son with respect and he will treat you the same. Treat his Dad with respect and my son will respect you. Do not try to over ride his Dad’s rules or wishes, do not speak badly about either his dad or I as my son will internalize you insecurities and feel badly about himself. Respect that my son is not able to process his thoughts like an adult and understand he sees you as a stranger in his life. He is a deeply loving child and very protective over both his parents. Embrace this, respect this and his will soon learn to love you the same. His heart is plenty big enough to love everyone but if you try to make him feel bad about either of his parents, he will put up walls with you.
As a step mom to the bio mom. I only want to love your child, please be secure in the idea that I have no want or need to try and replace you. I intend to be only a player on the parenting team, not a captain. I will love and care for your children like “my own” with the exception that you and only you are their mother. Please accept and respect that in my home, they need to have respect for me, as I do them as well as you. I take my leadership from their father as to their well being and I am 100% behind you and their father working together as a team to establish rules and boundries for them. I am not your enemy, I am only an invested member of the parenting team wanting the best outcome for the children.
What I have experienced through my life situations with the step parenting roles is the ADULTS insecurities are what causes the a large percentage, if not all of the issues with the kids. My step dad married a woman with five kids, was jealous of my father(who was dead) ordered all my Mom’s past (which was mine too) burned. Grew to hate her kids and boot them out of the house at 12 to 14 yrs old. When my little brother asks me what happened with the family, I simply tell him that blending a family is a tough thing and it really wasn’t handled well. Outside of correcting a few lies he’s been told here and there, he doesn’t need to know about 95% of it. The situation I lived through with my step kids is pretty much diarized on this site.
Regrets? That’s a toughie. My childhood was what it was and I do have the odd bit of anger when I see the effects it had on my siblings. Some took many more years than others to overcome what all happened, some will never “recover”. For my situation, I feel like I wasted ten years of my life. If either of my step kids had benefitted, I wouldn’t feel that way but all that came from that ten years is that *I* was the cause of all evil, a new scape goat more or less. I haven’t yet seen the “why” I was meant to go through that…maybe its still to come. Unfortunately, yes, I regret letting myself and my son live that hell for the time we did. Maybe the reason is more about something for my son to learn than me.
Would I do it again? I don’t know. I like to think that I won’t base any future relationships on experiences from my past. Still, three years out….I enjoy the sanctity of the single life and the “zen like” quality of my home. Hard to want to give that up for anything, let alone new step kids. Time will tell.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Excellent post, Spring and Annie...I hope everyone reads them. Thank you for posting them.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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Ditto M5! Two beautiful accounts and both full of so much wisdom. Thanks for sharing :)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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As a BM, I just want my ex to meet someone that is kind to my children. I recognize that they are NOT your children, but at least be nice to them. They are little guys.
As a person who has dated in the past, I was looking for a companion. Not a father for my kids. They have a father. They could use a role model and someone who is kind.
As someone who has taken the SM role before, I was kind to the girls. However, I felt like the hired maid/nanny/cook for the family. His daugther missed the bus for the 15th time in a semester, I am not taking her 10 miles out of my way to school again. You, not me, can deal with the consequences. Juvie Court again? Your kid, you can take off work to take them. They were not my kids and while I liked them, I never grew to love them like I do my own children now. I felt sorry for them because their Mom had passed away after the divorce and girls need a woman around.
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spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7952
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So if girls need a woman around, and then boys need a man around, isn't your son doomed?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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Yeah, you don't mind being a step mom as long as you don't actually have to PARENT the lids, right? The most telling statement in your post? "They were not my kids and while I liked them, I never grew to love them like I do my own children now.". How do you agree to be a step PARENT and not love the kids? Parents of ANY sort love UNCONDITIONALLY.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I don't love everyone I meet uncoditionally. I just don't. Love is something that comes with time and getting to know people. I had 9 months to get to know my kids before they moved in with me.
I hope you don't automatically love every person you meet. That is just weird and more than a bit creepy.
I do think that if a child is having issues at school, their birth parent needs to be involved and not push it off on the steppie.
In my case, Dad was lazy and didn't parent. He pushed off maid, nanny, cook, and parent on to me. Plus, I was the primary breadwinner.
The birth parent and not just the steppie needs to be there when the kids goes to Juvie Court for the billionth time. I had no legal rights to represent this child. No more than a neighbor.
If a kid is failing out of school and has issues with truancy....the birth parent needs to step up and not expect the step to take care of it because they are too busy. Dad needed to get his rear to school to help his children.
Dad wouldn't back me up with I said guys couldn't spend the night in their rooms. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for them both to be home at night with regular curfews when they were 13 and 15. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for the girls to pick up poo from the floor when their dog had accidents. Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked the girls to at least pick up the house before I got home from work to lighten my load a bit.
Dad did want me to pay for clothing and extras for the girls however. He expected the older girl to be able to use my car without asking and for me to add her to my insurance. Dad expected them to be able to use my cell phone without asking.
He was a lazy person in general which is why things didn't work out for us.
BTW, Dad was a grandparent well before either girl graduated school. One girl is a stripper and the other lives off welfare with her kids. The youngest girl's oldest child is a little younger than my youngest child. I ran into her at daycare last year. Very sad.
But, it works for you to push off all of parenting responsibilities to your new wife, cool. We'll see how long your marriage lasts this time.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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Why did you even marry someone who had kids?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Birth parents needs to step up and parent. It isn't appropriate to expect the Step to do everything while you do nothing.
This guy wanted me to do everything for him and his daughters while he watched Nascar.
My kids don't get to use my cell phone without asking, they sure as heck won't be allowed to use my car without asking, no boyfriends/girlfriends spending the night in their rooms, curfews appropriate to their age, etc....
As a parent, if I have to go to juvie court with you repeatedly for truancy, speeding, driving w/o a liscence, etc. I won't pay for car insurance.
If you are okay with being used, more power to you.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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[quote]If you are okay with being used, more power to you. [/quote]
I am not a stepparent. And you didn't answer the question: Why did you marry someone with kids?
BTW, if I was a stepmother, I would let the parents handle the issues with the kids.
But I would step up to the plate if the mother was dead and ACT LIKE A MOTHER to the motherless kids. I would even offer to make it official through adoption.
I hope that if my ex remarries, that he doesn't marry someone like you. Should I die, I would want their stepmother to care enough about them to step up to the plate.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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[quote]I won't pay for car insurance. [/quote]
In NJ, as soon as you have a licensed teen-ager, they are on the insurance or you don't have insurance. There's a reason why they ask for ALL of the licensed drivers in the house. And to keep them off of your policy (which is going to be very difficult to do when they are minors), you have to be able to prove that they have insurance elsewhere.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I think that is most places now that you have to have all licensed drivers on the policy - I used to sell insurance and parents were starting to wait instead of getting the 16 year old their licensed right away - particularly of the 16 year old did not qualify for the good student discount.
As far as the stepparent thing - I am a stepparent and I did most of the day to day with my stepchildren because my husband worked 10 to 12 hours a day 6 days a week and we lived 3000 miles away from bm. I never felt like he was dumping anything on me or less of a parent. I knew I had no "legal" rights per say but the school dealt with me and even when my ss got into trouble I was allowed to handle all of it with the court.
I went into my marriage with the bm raising the children and my hubby having visitation but within two years the children were living with us because bm had issues etc... When the children came to us I knew I would be the majority taking care of them - the GAL determined custody to my husband and it was stated that the children living with us would be successful due in part to me supporting my husband as a father and the GAL and the courts knew it would be me who took the most care of the children.
I went into my marriage (and relationship) knowing there were children involved and that wasn't going to change so it was a package deal or no deal.
I have a stepfather and he was not a good stepparent - he is 10 years younger than my mother and my brother and I were half grown when he came into the picture (my dad passed away) and he wanted to be a newlywed and do newlywed things but there were two children at home. I think he may have thought we would finish raising ourselves and that we no longer needed our mother even though we had just lost our father. It took many years to warm up to my stepfather because of his inaction and lack of parental support etc... We get along now but he's been married to my mom for 32 years. We really started to get along after his father passed and even more so when my son came along - he likes being called papa.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I went into my marriage with the bm raising the children and my hubby having visitation but within two years the children were living with us because bm had issues etc... When the children came to us I knew I would be the majority taking care of them - the GAL determined custody to my husband and it was stated that the children living with us would be successful due in part to me supporting my husband as a father and the GAL and the courts knew it would be me who took the most care of the children.
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Some people are made to be parents by any name. A step parent is still a parent in their eyes. Seems like you fit this bill well Annie. It's a tough job because you do as much physically, emotionally and financially you do for your own biological children but without the title. Not everyone is capable of that.
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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Some people are made to be parents by any name. A step parent is still a parent in their eyes. ***love this Cassie***
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I think the age of the step kids and the circumstances will make or break things. Immediately upon moving in to their family unit, you don't necessarily feel love for the steps. They don't feel love for you immediately. You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
Love is built over time and shared experiences. You build trust for each other.
I wanted to be a fabulous step. Even after our relationship ended, I offered to help pay for college for them as an incentive for them to stay in school - no strings attached. Neither took me up on it.
I still feel sorry for those ladies - even today. They had a rough ride that was made even rougher through their lack of attention from their father.
Would I do things differently? No. I don't think so. I have expectations like school attendance and respect for others property for people living under my roof. Their Dad and I did not see eye-to-eye on that. (Let me tell you it was odd to come out one morning to go to work and have my car be gone. The older girl who did not have her liscense took it to school. We lived in a rural area, so I had to call in and tell my boss what happened. Not cool.)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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We weren't maried. Never said we were. We had the rings, flowers ordered, invitations sent, dress waiting, etc. I cancelled the wedding 2 weeks before we were to be married.
This was at least 12 years ago, btw.
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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Quote: My kids don't get to use my cell phone without asking, they sure as heck won't be allowed to use my car without asking, no boyfriends/girlfriends spending the night in their rooms, curfews appropriate to their age, etc....
Okay, so it wasn't the guy you married, just shacked up with? I hate when parents pull the "do as I say, not as I do". You were spending the night in your boyfriend's room....nice role model, actions speak louder than words.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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Quick Reply- I married someone with 2 kids because I thought it would be different than it was with him. Thankfully, I figured it out sooner than later and I didn’t get prego! It’s not surprising that someone here didn’t really know who they married. Ironically, we are on a divorce and stepfamily board. Keep in mind you may be offending the sensibilities of those who you think you aren’t. Does the crystal ball come after carpal tunnel? Good lord, this place is the ongoing witch hunt. BAER.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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Step parenting is the hardest job and the most challenging fun I've ever had. Would not change it for the world. It is not workable for everyone. You have to be willing to give, willing to love, and willing to risk a lot for a chance. A chance to love and a chance to be loved.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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And then it still has a slim chance of working out. :-)
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I hate when parents pull the "do as I say, not as I do".
---> Depends on what it is. Just because I have a glass a wine with dinner doesn't mean that I can't tell my kids that they can't have one. On the other hand, it would be pretty hypocritical to tell my kids that they can't smoke weed as I light up a bowl. I didn't have a problem with telling my kids that they weren't allowed to have opposite sex guests stay the night, even though I'm 'living' with my boyfriend. The difference is that I'm an adult and they aren't. When they turn 18 and start paying rent, then they will have the freedom to make those adult decisions.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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[quote]
In my case, Dad was lazy and didn't parent.
He pushed off maid, nanny, cook, and parent on to me. Plus, I was the primary breadwinner.
If a kid is failing out of school and has issues with truancy....the birth parent needs to step up and not expect the step to take care of it because they are too busy.
Dad needed to get his rear to school to help his children.
Dad wouldn't back me up with I said guys couldn't spend the night in their rooms.
Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for them both to be home at night with regular curfews when they were 13 and 15.
Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked for the girls to pick up poo from the floor when their dog had accidents.
Dad wouldn't back me up when I asked the girls to at least pick up the house before I got home from work to lighten my load a bit.
Dad did want me to pay for clothing and extras for the girls however.
He expected the older girl to be able to use my car without asking and for me to add her to my insurance.
Dad expected them to be able to use my cell phone without asking.
He was a lazy person in general which is why things didn't work out for us.
BTW, Dad was a grandparent well before either girl graduated school. One girl is a stripper and the other lives off welfare with her kids
[/quote]
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If you met when the girls were 13 and 15 and started to learn what they were all like, I'm not sure why you were still with him when the oldest was driving.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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[quote]We weren't maried. Never said we were. We had the rings, flowers ordered, invitations sent, dress waiting, etc. I cancelled the wedding 2 weeks before we were to be married.
This was at least 12 years ago, btw. [/quote]
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Ohhh.....this was a previous relationship, before your ex/kid's dad ?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Yes, it was - several years before.
A 13 year old having her 17 year old boyfriend over to spend the night in my home will not happen. But, hey, if people here are fine with that. Cool for them. She was preggers before she LEFT high school. She is now a stripper to support her KIDS. But, hey, what do I know.
A 15 year old stealing my car and driving without her license will not happen. One of the times she stole Dad's car, she got caught by the police driving without a license. This one also became a mother before she left high school. Lives on welfare with her kids. But, hey, what do I know. (16 was the legal driving age here, btw, not 15)
Those poor girls. They needed their Dad to parent them and not pass off parenting to his fiance.
But, hey, what do I know. You all talked about the golden uterus syndrome. Some Birth Fathers apparently have golden sperm and can relinquish raising their kids to their girlfriend. It's all good. lol.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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"A 13 year old having her 17 year old boyfriend over to spend the night in my home will not happen. But, hey, if people here are fine with that. Cool for them."
>>Where did anyone here say they were okay with that ?
"She was preggers before she LEFT high school. She is now a stripper to support her KIDS. But, hey, what do I know."
>> I don't know, but apparently it wasn't knowing enough not to shack up with this dude.
"A 15 year old stealing my car and driving without her license will not happen. One of the times she stole Dad's car, she got caught by the police driving without a license. But, hey, what do I know."
>> Apparently, not enough to dump the dude after you heard she took dad's car.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Wow. Critical much without fact finding - something I think I was criticized for earlier. This stuff happened during the 3 months after my home sold and we were living together. Waiting for the wedding date. It was either that or live in a hotel.
I moved out and broke things off after this stuff happened and he didn't discipline them. He didn't make them respect my property or even his for that matter. Lazy parenting.
Good thing I found out before the marriage and not after. Don't cha think?
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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So....you shacked up with him for 3 months......you weren't actually a step parent or anything close to that during that time then. Don't cha think ?
"It was either that or live in a hotel."
Thanks for confirming that you HAD another option, you just CHOSE to live like that.
That's not a commentary on not having the 'right' to post on this thread or in this forum because you weren't/aren't a step parent. It is a commentary on your misrepresentation of the relationship in your earlier posts in this thread.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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nah...... you can have your opinion on that. But, when someone puts their child rearing responsibilities on you, then, you become the steppie.
At least that's what gr8 and most others here say about the line of women my ex has involved with our children. He lives with them, then they take on the role of step parent.
But, for some reason there is a witch hunt lately around here.
It's all good.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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According to you, they were there for just a short time (a few months ?) until you pulled the plug. That's called "allowing yourself to be used as a free babysitter" NOT being a "steppie"
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