Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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(spanking with a belt is NOT< per the LAW, abuse, unless it leaves LASTING mark, and a red mark does not count)
That is not accurate around here. A spanking with anything other than a hand or that leaves a red mark is considered abusive and, if reported, usually results in CPS involvement.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Thanks, gr8dad. I think that is great advice, and I will have him read this. She is at the camp for 2 more weeks. I think he should write her a letter before she leaves there, basically stating what you just said, and then say that if she needs to talk more about it, then he will make it a priority to have some alone time with her so she can get anything else she needs off her chest.
I do know that her mom pounded into her head for years...especially since they got all that money and the kids started living with them again, that their dad is a POC and was abusive, etc etc etc. Of course, we made mistakes over the years in how we handled some things...we are only human after all. My husband is the very opposite of abusive though. My SD knows this, deep down. Heck, she always has her dad wrapped around her little finger. She gets whatever she wants from him, even when he knows he shouldn't give in. I think kids/people who are really truly abused would be appalled at what some consider abuse here. 2 incidents that were accidental, and all of a sudden he is an abusive monster. BAER. This is the guy that sat on our back deck and bawled like a baby when his ex didn't show up with his kids on Christmas day...because it was the first (and only) Christmas he had missed with them since they were born. Many times he sat on that deck and just cried because of how his kids were being treated over there...during the custody battle. OMG...I had never seen a grown man cry like that before and I hope to never see it again. The only way you can hurt him...is thru his kids.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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He doesn't intend to lay blame anywhere else or denying that the incidents happened (even if they are a little skewed in her brain). She is questioning them, so I think he should give her an honest answer WITHOUT mentioning her mom and anyone else. Should he mention how young she was and that it's not surprising that she's not remembering it accurately?
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I remember getting spanked (very seldom) with a belt as a young child. I remember the slaps across of my face provided by my mother much more.
I feel ya. SD mentioned that we have a "past" the other day when we had some recent difficulties (long story). Her past involves what her mother told her ABOUT me.
So I will tell you what I told HER... I told her that no matter what she does to me- calls me names, steals or hurts me I will still love her. I will always love her. I have been with her for 19 years and I will not leave her. I will not do as her mother has done. I will not, however, take the disrespect she shows me when I don't give in to her ways.
We all have some work to do, some changing and some growing...no one if perfect. If she remembers these instances differently then all you can do is correct them and apologize if she ever felt hurt in your presence.
My kids just came back from a Mission Trip overseas and they also went through some of the same feelings your SD is going through in regards to relationships with friends. They had a "confession" moment and many of their friends had confessions that could make a person's stomach turn. I do think trips and camps such as these often bring out lots of emotions and maybe feelings of uneasiness that have never been righted. So right the wrongs and listen. LISTEN. I think sometimes as parents we forget to listen to our children. Really listen. I told SD when she said she was "pissed" at me- why didn't you tell me? What did I do? There wasn't really an answer because I think that week me breathing was enough to piss her off :)
One thing I noticed about my DD (according to her recollection of the events) is when she finished the confession, she had an alone moment with God and in her words, she gave up to him what she has been holding back these past several months. She came home feeling peace because she experienced the true connection- she experienced a relationship with her Savior.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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"Should he mention how young she was and that it's not surprising that she's not remembering it accurately?"
Remembe the GOAL here is to have her take the "issue", place a CHECK MARK next to it mentally and file it away forever. Telling her was YOUNG and remembers wrong will only make her keep thinking about it.
For example, RIGHT NOW, do NOT think of an ELEPHANT. You are thinking of an elephant, aren't you? Its human psychology.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Makes sense! Thank you....I guess we just feel sad (DH read the letter and he said he feels the same way I do...just heart broken that she feels or remembers it that way). She's probably sent her mom a letter too, if that's what this is. I hope she will receive it well. I know sometimes they are afraid to say things to her, even if it's truth, because they are afraid of how she will react. DH is much more easy going...and he's a softie...very easily hurt when it concerns his kids.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Point taken...thank you =)
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ivehadit
journeyman
Reged: 05/22/12
Posts: 69
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Ignore the trolls. I see they are at it again. You and your Dh are wonderful parents and your kids know that. Your Bm (in this case) has really done a number on them.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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M5, I'm sorry you have to go through this. When I was a kid, my dad would hit us with his belt. My brothers got it more often. I only was hit once by him and once my mother slapped my face when I was 17 for saying "no" to her.
We never once questioned their right to do it, as we always knew we had misbehaved to the point that we had it coming. The rules were clear. I can't remember any bruising afterward, but the sharp sting of the belt was enough to jolt our little brains into good behavior.
Of course there is a danger that some parents will let their anger reach a point of abuse, but it doesn't sound like that is the case with you or your DH.
If a child is behaving in a selfish manner, it is your responsibility to let her know. I regret the soft style of parenting that forbids such discipline. It's resulting in uncontrollable youngsters and rude, cocky teens who carry their self-centered, righteous, disrespectful personalities into adulthood.
That said, I shudder to read about a child who is abused, emotionally or physically. Some parents can't figure out where to draw the line.
I think Gr8's advice is good advice. (And I can't quite believe I said that.) I hope this whole situation has a positive outcome for all.
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toomom
member
Reged: 05/13/12
Posts: 141
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Spanking a child with a belt like an animal that leaves a mark or something is WRONG. I'm sorry but how could you say that it is ok is beyond me. Would you or M5M5's husband hit the family dog with a belt because it stepped out of line?
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