Hello again everyone,I appreciate all the advice I've received here.I postponed leaving and started counseling.My wife and I were going together but the counselor decided we needed seperate sessions for now.My counselor is driving me nuts.I thought I had guilt when I got there,now it's ten times worse.I'm trying to make it work at home but nothing is changing,or should I say I'm not changing.I've tried to make it work many times without counseling and failed.I drifted away from my wife over the years,not anyones fault it just happened.There is another woman involved,we were very good friends,shared many similiar interest.At some point it changed,I'm not even sure how it happened.I fought it for a while.We're very much in love and have been for about a year.I've broken it off several times over the past year to try and make it work at home for my kids and my wife.I love my wife just not the way a husband should.She has done nothing wrong and she is a good mother.Hence I'm eaten alive with guilt when I think of leaving.I brought this on myself and my family and I accept that.My counselor has had me end all contact with the other woman to see how it affects me.I have and I'm really trying but my heart just isn't in it.All I feel for my wife is friendly love and obligation.I'm just not happy.My counselor said chances are my kids will hate the other woman and bunch of other stuff.Wow,I said it's not like I'd tell them all the details and we wouldn't be moving in with each other right away or anything.Anyone have a similiar situation?I love my kids and I don't want to hurt them,I don't want to hurt my wife either but I'm living a big lie.I'm sick as a dog from worrying about the woman I want to be with,I'm having mood swings,my kids wonder why I look so bad.It's awful but I'm really trying.
Loc: In the Heartland on America
I would have had so much more respect for my ex had he even tried counseling seriously. Good for you.
Here's some reasons for trying:
Press Release October 11, 1996
University of California, Santa Barbara
Tim Dougherty: (805) 893-8735 | Lillian Kurosaka: (805) 893-4620
Children reared in fatherless homes are more than twice as likely to
become male adolescent delinquents or teen mothers, according to a
significant new study by two economists at the University of
California, Santa Barbara.
Llad Phillips and William S. Comanor based their research on data from
random surveys of 15,000 youths conducted annually by the Center for
Human Resources at Ohio State University. Their findings suggest that
current proposals to provide tax credits and exemptions for single
mothers and to collect more child support from absent fathers will
have little effect on the problem of delinquency among teenage boys.
"Both measures tacitly accept the father's absence from the home and
seek to ameliorate its consequences by increasing the income available
to mother and child. However, it requires an increase in family income
of approximately $50,000 to counter the father's absence," the
economists wrote in a report outlining the results of their study,
which were presented at the Western Economics Association meeting in
San Francisco on July 1.
Phillips and Comanor designed their study to account for the influence
of income, and found that in the case of boys, a minimum of $54,000 in
additional family income is necessary to counter the harmful effects
of absent fathers. For girls, the figure is much lower -- $17,000 a year.
The researchers also found that while absent mothers have a negligible
impact on male adolescent delinquency, motherless homes are 56 percent
more likely to result in teen pregnancy among girls.
"The absence of either parent has a significant effect on the kids
having one kind of pathology or another, but the absence of a father
tends to have a more significant effect, and it seems to more
seriously affect the sons," said Phillips, whose research also
indicates that step-fathers may in fact contribute to the problem.
"The effect of the presence or absence of moms and dads on
childbearing at a young age among girls are more equal than their
effect on delinquency by boys."
Phillips and Comanor are about to embark on a study of delinquency
among teenage girls, which is on the rise despite being far less
prevalent than delinquency among adolescent boys.
"A lot of kids get involved in crime long before they are able to make
rational choices about crime vs. legitimate work," Phillips says. "And
that's our motivation in doing this research-finding out the
importance of the family in the whole process."
Originally posted at http://www.instadv.ucsb.edu/InstAdv/PublicAffairs/Releases/fatherless
Check out addtional facts at the link below. It will hopefully motivate you to try your darndest. Your kids need you at home!!!!!
I had to reread your post several times - so much of it sounded like it could have been written by my STBX. For this reason I will try really hard not to sound like I'm attacking you. First of all I think its great that you are trying and you are in counseling. We went together once. It was a total disaster - my husband turned everything I had said against me and blamed the fact that nothing was accomplished (it was only one session)on me. I really wasn't comfortable with the counselor or her methods- never mind the fact that my STBX had said all the same things about her-it was still my fault. Anyway-my point was, I couldn't tell exactly from what you said about counseling, but don't be afraid to try a different counselor if the first doesn't work out. You mentioned that your couselor said you must cut off all contact with the other woman - yes absolutely. My husband did this for a few weeks but just couldn't give her up - yes I understand that you are close to her, she has benn part of your life for a long time, etc, but everything you are sharing with her, all the time you spend with her etc is time taken away from your wife. I know its hard to do and 20 years is a long time but if you could objectively look back in time there are reasons you fell in love with your wife, married her, wanted to spend the rest of your life with her etc. Those things are still in there and you can find them again but not whle you have this fun, new exciting relationship to compare it with. All relationships have cycles - if you could see into the future, your new relationship will become duller too. If your really are committed to making this work - try Dr. phil's website. He sums up alot of his book Relationship Rescue and if you can really be open minded and objective he has some good advice for people involved in affairs and for the other woman(I would recommend you read what he writes to "the other woman" - he makes some good points). I know this is long but you seem like you are concerned about your kids: First of all they are teeneagers, right - then they will figure some of whats going on out even if you don't tell them. And I believe they should know the reason for your break up (if you do split) it is something they can learn from. And keep in mind that even if you don't tell them they may hear things from others. My STBX was a teeneager when he watched his parents go through this - they got seperated then ultimately stayed together. He hated his father for it and still has alot of anger about it(and vowed that he would never do the same, yeah, well. I think he also thought I would put up worth it like his mom did and we would ultimately stay together). Please give a lot of thought to how things will affect your children, sure your being unhappy affects them too, but with all your guilt and unhappiness because of what you are doing to your wife and to them - how happy will you really be? I know this is long, but please really consider your choices and the consequences to all involved.