sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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When I was 18, I gave birth to a son whom was immediately adopted. The pregnancy, of course, was not planned, but the adoption was well planned. That was 15 years ago. Since then, I married, gave birth to 3 more sons and divorced. I am now the single mother of a nearly 10 year old, an 8 year old and a 5 year old. The father of my first born and I are in contact and on excellent terms. We have agreed to "passively" and cooperatively attempt to locate the child upon his coming of age, which is approaching soon. (I think that when the child is 18, the records are open, I could be wrong...)
When is the appropriate time to let my younger sons know they have a half brother? I can't imagine that dropping a bombshell like that too late or too early would be healthy. Has anyone dealt with such a situation?
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ohiomom
journeyman
Reged: 01/19/05
Posts: 82
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I would go to the library & get a few childrens books that deal with adoption, & talk to your kids NOW. This is not something you want to wait & spring on them when(if) you find your oldest. You might not want to mention the plans to try & find him, since you don't know when that will actually happen or how much contact they might have... but they need to know that he exists.
Good luck. :)
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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I am just not 100% sold that this is a concept a 5 year old can understand. Maybe the other 2 but, I dunno....anyone else have an opinion? I'd like as much feedback as possible.
I will definitely check out some books at the library....
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Now remember luv..you asked for an opinion....and this is all this is. I think maybe the oldest is old enough..the middle one..iffy...but you might as well tell all three just age appropriate. The only reason I say this..is wee ones talk to eachother...and you dont want them getting it from someone else in away they really wont understand.
My biggest Q here...is how do mean "passively"? Are you going to seek him out...or just make it so that your records are open so that if he chooses to find you he can. I am not condemning in any way...things happen and often times doing this is whats best for the wee one. What may also be in the best interest of the wee one..is to give him an avenue to find you...but not for you to disrupt his life if that is not what he wants. Just saying
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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I agree that if I tell one, I need to tell all. That's why I hesitate to do it now. I am thinking I should wait just 2 more years. That will put the oldest at about 12, the middle at 11 and the baby at 7. It still allows at least another year for them to get comfortable with the concept of a new "brother" IF the child is to re-enter our lives. Which leads to my answer to your question: Passively, meaning I do not intend to pursue him or disrupt his life in ANY way, however, my information will be available to him via adoption registry in the State the formal adoption took place and the state I last knew he resided. (Although it was a closed adoption, I was told the state that he would live in.) I have no intention of jumping into his life. He has parents and I pray a happy "situation", BUT, if he would LIKE to find his birthmother, I do want the information available to him with ease.
I was just a teen when I got pregnant and being raised a catholic, abortion was not something I could do personally. I am NOT pro-life, I am pro choice. My choice was to have the child and I have never had any regrets in that regard. The peace of mind far outweighed any sadness or grief, actually.
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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I have no intention of jumping into his life. He has parents and I pray a happy "situation", BUT, if he would LIKE to find his birthmother, I do want the information available to him with ease.
smart lady...more importantly and obviously caring one..
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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Smart? Now that is up for debate. I shouldn't have been doing all the stupid stuff I did in High School. Hopefully, my boys will learn from the error of my ways. But, then again, when you're a teen, your indestructable and you have the "that will never happen to me" attitude, no matter what your parents say, right?
Caring? That's all about my upbringing. I was soooo fortunately to have such awesome examples in all my siblings and parents. I hope my boys have the same example in their father and I.
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Diane67
enthusiast
Reged: 08/14/04
Posts: 341
Loc: California
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The immortalness of teenagehood. I have two of those right now.
Your decision to find but not disrupt his life is an excellent one. I think I would just need to make sure he was OK and then let it go.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I was in a similar "boat"...18, pregnant, fiance ran away, but it was a private adoption. My children were also around your children's ages when I told them about their "half-brother". I was scared to death, but it turned out to be no big deal.
The "key" is to keep it simple; no long drawn-out explainations and to answer any questions as honestly has you can. If I remember, the only question that my kids asked was if they get to meet him sometime.
Oh...yes, I have made contact with my son. He is currently in Iraq...he's a Marine. He's married, no children. We are planning to get together this summer.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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OMG...Gecko, Thank you....thank you. I don't know what else to say....
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