jamesjr
newbie
Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 38
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Well its been about 3 months since my wife left me for another man.she stays at a friends house during the week and spends her weekends with the new man as he lives 3 hours away.whats tough is during the week we email or text almost everyday which i know is bad.we even meet for dinner maybe once a week.it always is a weird feeling to see her but we enjoy each others company.she says she misses me and the things we had,but not enough to come back.she still pays for half the mortgage and bills even though she is not in the house.she says she feels guilty,thats why she continues to pay.we still havent filed for divorce.i know it is coming but dread the day.she told her therapist that we both have some attachment issues,thats why she just isnt ready to pull the trigger on anything.i am such a wreck.part of me knows i shouldnt have contact with her for what she put me thru with this other guy.part of me wants to get everything over with,file,sell house and move on.i am so on the fence about things.she keeps telling me that this other guy isnt that big a deal and i am making more out of it then it needs to be.mixed signals like that are what keep me hanging on.i could never trust her again if she ever came back.she asked if i could forgive her and i said yes,someday.but i will never forget.i really think if i tried to not make contact with her she would probably not call me.maybe a month or 2 down the road.then i feel like i didnt show interest so she moves on.this is my stupid thinking.she is so tough to read.when i tell her this she says that she would miss me and would call.she also says it would take awhile because she hasnt really missed me with how we talk and see each other so much.so i get up everyday and try to make it a better day than last.some day or days are better.time is your friend on this subject.it does get easier but i do have the relapses also.thanks all for listening and caring.
jamesjr
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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The problem is that you are hoping that things will go back to the way they were - and they won't.
You both need to either get back together or move on. You are both kidding each other and yourselves.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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Maybe I am a bit on the dense side, but when your wife is sleeping with another man, I would think that would be a big deal.
James, is this really what you want in a marriage? It is hard to let go and move on. But would you ever again trust her or not wonder when she was late, or out, if she wasn't cheating on you again?
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I thnk what his ex means is that the guy isn't important...he's just someone she is using, too. Sometimes, it's only the fact that your spouse is unfaithful that matters, not who they are unfaithful with. In the ex's eyes, it could have been anybody. It's not a meaningful relationship to her, probably just a rebound or exit relationship.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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If my spouse was going to cheat on me with someone else and destroy our marriage, I think I could live with it a lot better knowing it was someone who was at least important to them, and who they hoped they might be soulmates with. To cheat on a spouse for someone who was of no significance would be adding insult to injury.
My ex left me for a bottle. In the end (and still) he isn't happy. I could have accepted it far more easily had it been something or someone who was going to make him happy and complete.
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jamesjr
newbie
Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 38
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thanks nancyd..thats exactly what i mean.it is a big deal that she slept with someone else but i think it was just this guy in the right place and time.she has been unhappy for a year now and she says it could of been anybody.this was her excuse to bail on the marriage.that doesnt make it any better or less painful but i do believe it is a rebound thing for her.especially when the guy is 17 years older than her.gross.i would have a tough time taking her back.i just miss her being there and the times we spent together.we were together 12 plus years so its real tough to move on.
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Chris1
journeyman
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 75
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James, you are a better person than I to still be desiring
a woman who is so blatantly willing to hurt you.
My x cheated on me 3 years into our marriage. And I stayed.
He was never really sorry that he had done it. 14 years later he did it again. It was at that point, I divorced him.
I am not an advocate of staying in a marriage where someone
disrespects you to that degree. If they display remorse and do what they can to make ammends, that's a different story. But, either way, it is extremely difficult to move past the betrayal.
I think you'd do best to break off contact. If you truly want the marriage to work, get the divorce buster book (which would also tell you to break off contact).
She's in the driver seat and she's running all over you.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Hey James,
Just to let you know, there are guys out there that are emotionally affected. I'm one too. I'm in your exact situation, but throw in false domestic violence charges, and a 3.5 week jail stint. I've lost my house, I only see my son a few hours a week & every other weekend, & I was demoted in my job because of the time I spent in jail. It's been a wonderful 11 months, I can tell you. So, I know where you're coming from. But, just when it seems darkest, you'll catch a gleam of light, & you'll start growing again. Spend time with OTHER people you care about. Keep busy to keep your mind off of it as much as possible. You'll still wake up in the middle of the night, you'll still have trouble eating, but not as often, & the pain lessens as time goes on. Stay in touch here, too. There are wonderful people with great advice here.
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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Cassie
recently joined
Reged: 05/29/06
Posts: 9
Loc: IL
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Hi James, I so know where you are coming from on this one. My husband and I were together 19 years and he just decided he didnt love me enough anymore. Ive asked him repeatedly to quit calling because its too hard and im not strong enough to say no, yet he calls daily and asks me over to is house or comes here. Yes I still sleep with him and am letting him have his cake and eat it too. But when he has had enough calls and tells me he doesnt want to mislead me into believing we can work it out. Its hard to let go of the person who was supposed to be yours for the rest of your life. Youve not only lost your spouse but your best friend. How do you walk away? I wish I had the answer for you. Live day to day and try to be strong. We will all get through this somehow.. Cassie
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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James,
It's hard to let go. You are not doing yourself any justice by continuing to "entertain" her during her time away from the other man. I know, I know...it's incredibly hard for so many reasons...emptiness, lonliness, etc. She's providing you with companionship. Just take one day and not communicate with her and at some point strive for a week. Really, no contact is the best place to start on your road to healing. God, I remember so many times when I was new here posting about how badly I wanted to call or write or make any sort of contact. I'd come here pleading for someone to stop me and to help me be strong. The board isn't nearly as active as it was then. A post was answered very quickly back then but I think when you want to call her, you should post here first and wait for a response, even if it's hours away. Find yourself something to do. Yes, easier said than done because a lot of people going through this go into isolation. Maybe you can join a gym and go work out after work or a bowling league or darts or something...anything to occupy your time. Have you gotten angry yet? Like saying "that stupid beepity beep ripped my heart out. She doesn't deserve a second of my time!"
She doesn't deserve your time, your heart, your anything. The forgiveness that you so generously said you could give needs to be given for you, not to relieve her of her guilt. The forgiveness is for your own soul and will help you release the burden from your heart. It has nothing to do with releasing her from anything.
Please think of yourself first and try to limit the contact. And also know we are all here for you to help you be strong.
xoxo,
BB
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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