justlorig
journeyman
Reged: 12/03/05
Posts: 89
Loc: New Jersey
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Jill
Good luck today... hope everything goes your way. Let us know how things went.
Hugs of encouragement
Lori
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Jill
enthusiast
Reged: 09/19/05
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
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Hi Lori!
Wow, now I have an idea of what you went through. Today I spent (mega bucks) and a stressful 2 hours in court. Tomorrow I take the stand and another 1 1/2 hours. I'll write your name on the palm of my hand to look at for encouragement.
Thank you for your support. How are you doing now?
Jill
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justlorig
journeyman
Reged: 12/03/05
Posts: 89
Loc: New Jersey
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Hey Jill
Hugging you ... take nice deep breaths that is what I found to help me. I am still stressed out to the max and to be honest no real change ... the ex is here all the time .. his stuff is here ... has not given me keys or anything ... my lawyer told me to go buy new locks and have them installed ... so other than a piece of paper saying i'm divorced... no change really... weird huh
Lori
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Jill
enthusiast
Reged: 09/19/05
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
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for the third time (tomorrow morning). Mind you, this is just to enforce the Judge's support orders. We haven't gotten anywhere near the divorce property settlement.
Dang, what is it with your ex? Still trying to hang onto you (or torment you?)?? That would be too much for me to handle since I can't even stand to look at my STBX. You're tougher than I am.
OK, deep breaths. Thank you for the words of support and encouragement.
Jill
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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If you want your life to change, then you will have to be the one to change it. You just let him come and go as he pleases, and then want to complain how your life isn't changing. Tell him to go pound sand, Lori. Take his sh!t, throw it out in the yard, change the locks and call the cops when he decides to try to walk into your house! I just don't get the fact that you let him walk all over you like you do unless you like it. What is it with this?
Sorry if this is harsh, but like I say... "if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting."
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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justlorig
journeyman
Reged: 12/03/05
Posts: 89
Loc: New Jersey
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I was told that I cannot throw out his stuff ... my lawyer was contacting his lawyer relative to a definitive timeframe to have all items removed
His affair is with the next door neighbor's sister ... six feet from my house ... kind of hard not to see him because he is always there
Unfortunately, I have no one to help me ... and believe me I have been trying to find someone to help me with my dad ... most are uncomfortable with his being paralyzed and on a feeding tube ... others want more than I can possibly afford ... I am working part-time and that is by paying for an aide to watch dad for those hours and the help of my ex-husbands' mom/dad a few hours a week
So ... no I don't want to be walked on ... but you are not living in my situation ... barely making ends meet ... having to buy out my ex to keep the house ... not even making enough to pay mortgage, let alone my dad's medical bills, enteral feeding supplies, bandages, prescriptions, rental of equipment, oh yeah don't forget pseg, phone, food, etc. etc. etc. so forgive me if I don't want to spend more money on my lawyer a week after my divorce is final to enforce his removal of property and go back to court
Lori
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Change the locks.. did your lawyer not tell you to do that? It is YOUR house... YOU bought him out, right? Why are you still allowing him to come and go as he pleases? You WILL be continually under this type of stress until you STOP him from causing it. Lori, I sympathize with your situation. I truly do. But there ARE things you can do to allieviate the stress you are feeling from HIM. Get him OUT of your life and take some of it back. Put his stuff in boxes and store it in the garage. I would shred every last piece of clothing and break every thing you can break that he has there and put it in a box for him. Hmm.... I have NO idea how it got that way, sweetheart..He is a bottom feeder... quit letting him feed off of YOU.
I'm sorry if I came off harsh...I didn't mean to. I just get angry when I see women being taken advantage of and they allow it to happen. You are stronger than you know... you just have to find that strength before he sucks it out of you.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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Lori,
I agree with RG, please change the locks ASAP. I understand about your Dad and not wanting to spend money, because I was in a very similar situation... caring for both my elderly parents alone after my ex left. I kicked him out and had the locks changed that night and I think it cost me about $75. Not cheap, but then again, not out of reach. Just think how much that $75 will save you in pain, time, money, etc. And don't just go buy new locks if you don't know how to install them because then odds are you'll just have a bunch of new locks laying around. Just call a locksmith and get er done.
The other part - with your Dad; have you looked into Social Services for him? It does take some work... making phone calls, filling out paperwork, following up, etc. but you/he probably qualify for several different services. My mom had a heart attack soon after my ex left (I think my ex leaving hurt her more than me!) and after she got out of the hospital, they sent a Social Worker over to evaluate what she needs and what she qualifies for. They set it up for someone to come every day for like 2 or 3 hours (at no cost to me) to come give Mom her bath and other care-giving needs. Please look into it and let us know what happens.
You know Lori, I just want to tell you to hang in there. It does get better. I went through so much after my ex left... taking care of two elderly parents alone, raising toddler son alone, financial devastation alone, not to mention just trying to take care of myself, the divorce, my house and 4 dogs! I really thought I would have a nervous breakdown a few times. But, I got through it and I'm keepiing my life as simple as possible right now and life is actually pretty darned good. Just wanted to give you a little encouragement because I know what you're going through. HUGS.
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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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You don't have to buy new locks - you just take the locking mechanism to a locksmith and they put a new lock in. I'm thinking it was about $7.50 per lock.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Or have the locksmith come to "rekey" the locks if you don't know how to remove the cylinder.
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Jill
enthusiast
Reged: 09/19/05
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
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They're right, Lori. I know you have it tough, but listen to them. Please.
You know, years ago we moved my mom-in-law to a care center near us....when all her money had been spent toward her care, family services stepped in and took over the nursing home/medical payments.
You're young still and you only have one shot at life, and it is so very short. You deserve some happiness in life, you really do.
You're responsible and a good person and there's no shame in using whatever services are available. We can tell you love your dad dearly. Do you think he would want you to give up your life for him? Maybe I'm way off base....I don't know what city you live in and am just assuming these services are available to you. If I'm wrong, then I apologize and sympathize with you.
My support judgement didn't go very well today. The Judge admitted STBX is living a very lavish lifestyle (Gucci, $300 for one cigar, resorts, airfare for various women to meet him at these resorts, expensive hotels and restaurants...) so she awarded him back $600/month from the support I was receiving so that he can continue his affluent lifestyle. Plus nothing toward my attorney fees ($20,000 so far, plus I need to hire appraisers for another $8,000). Unbelievable. I cried for hours today.
But.....life goes on. I will rent out my house, quit working for no pay for our business, take my son and move to a bigger city where I can find a higher paying job, live in an apartment, and we will survive!!!!! And STBX will discover that he can't have his cake and eat it too (by trying to keep me/our son here living in poverty while he spends all our assets on others). The bad part is that my son will suffer from this (he really loves our neighborhood ~ the kids here, school yard nearby)....and I regret that so much. He is the innocent one in all of this. But you do what you need to do. And that is life.
Jill
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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Oh Jill, I'm so sorry to hear things didn't go well for you in court. That really stinks. I just can't understand why and I'm sure you can't either. I'm glad you have a plan. Everything is going to be fine. God bless.
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