ladonna
recently joined
Reged: 06/30/06
Posts: 3
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HI EVERYONE! I am new to the forums here, and really wish I werent here. I need help, any input would be helpful. Here is my long story short. I met my husband in 99, online. We were the best of friends, spending hours and hours together. We didnt become a "couple" until the middle of the following year. I was separated from my husband, and had been for years, he was in a loveless marriage, and wanted out. I did not contribute to the loss of love in his marriage, he had been talking to me for months and months about it, as friends. We met, and it was incredible. I fell head over heels in love with this great man. He moved to be with me, but after a month of not being able to adjust to the heat and humidity or not finding a job that paid like his old one, he left and moved back to his previous state. It devastated myself and my daughter. I went back to my former boyfriend, but things just never worked between he and I. We broke up in Jan, of the following year. My now husband was so great, so supportive, and bought me a plane ticket to get away from it all. After I got off the plane and saw him, standing there with 3 yellow roses, I knew I was still in love with him. We spent two weeks together and leaving him was so hard. He moved here two months afterwards. My daughter was so happy, she loves this man more than anything in the world. Well, we were perfect, the perfect couple. Then we got married in 03, a big beautiful wedding, where he said vows not only to me, but also to my daughter. We cried from joy, everyone who attended cried, it was the wedding of all weddings, because we loved each other so much. Well, time marchs on and things get tough, this was last year. The ex-boyfriend was going thru a hard time, a divorce and needed a friend. I wanted to be there for him, but my husband just couldnt accept that. I never planned on leaving my husband, never. The all the sneaking and stuff started. I was upfront at first, but then my husband told me to stop talking to my friend. I didnt think it was fair, so I continued to do it. My husband and I fought all the time, and my friend said all the right things. I'm sure you all know where this is going. I gave up on my marriage, I just gave up. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and I never meant it, I just thought it would make him back off a bit. Well, I went and had an affair the end of March. Then find out that my husband had been taping my phone conversations, had put spyware on my computer, had all my passwords, all that stuff. I betrayed, but I felt betrayed, and all for what? I didnt want to be with my exboyfriend. I just didnt want my husband telling me who i could or couldnt be friends with. Well, he retaliated by going to Vegas for 6 days, and it was the worse 6 days of my life. We had moved into different places 3 days before he left, we were still living together when he made the reservations. Somehow this is suppose to make it more acceptable? Anyways, we are now living together as roommates, wel, more than roommates, but he tells me he wants a divorce each time we get into a fight. BTW, he is my daughter's legal father, and they love each other so much. I love this man with all my being and I would never do anything again to hurt him. He is so angry, and swears its over with us. He wont even give it a real chance. I just dont know what to do. There is much more to the story, but its so long and complicated. I dont want a divorce, but what do I do? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not a bad person, I just did a really bad thing that I cant seem to correct. I miss my husband, I miss the love and affection. We still sleep in the same bed, but I dont get to hear "I LOVE YOU" before we go to sleep. We just take for granted the same things, dont we?
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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if you and he want your marriage to work then you'll have to seek counseling.
he is angry and rightfully so.
you put another man before your husband and child. he was betrayed by your actions and you were betrayed by his lack of trust....what actions of your showed that he could trust you ?
this situation is not healthy for the child.
either get counseling or move on like you had origonally intended.
there is too much anger.
he might learn to forgive you but not unless you both actively repair what has been done.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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ladonna
recently joined
Reged: 06/30/06
Posts: 3
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thanks for the reply, Lisa. i guess some more imput should be expressed. we moved back in together a month ago, because i started school. my daughter is 14 years old, and i never put anyone in front of my child. i have raised her without a father until my husband came along. i keep nothing from my husband now, nothing at all. there is no reason too. he and i discuss things and i'm an open book. if things would have been like this before, the affair would have never happened. if he would have talked to me about what was going on in my friend's life, instead of constantly putting him down or insinuating that we were more than friends, things wouldnt have gotten to that point. i am still friends with the guy, but my husband knows this, my husband also knows, if he ever feels threatened by this, then i will more than gladly give up my friend. i have done so more than once, but my husband tells me to keep talking to him. there has been nothing more than friendship since the middle of april. i do everything i can to ensure my husband that he is the man i want and love. i just dont understand why its so easy for me to forgive him for things, and he cant forgive me for this. guess i will never understand.
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LisaThoreau
newbie
Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 33
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If you can turn around and sleep with someone you are only 'friends' with, then you need to work very hard on your boundaries. You have almost always been more than friends with your ex-boyfriend and you need to end this relationship with your x-boyfriend IMMEDIATELY. Also, you might want to consider not blaming your situation for your actions. Therapy will help you with this.
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You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
— Eleanor Roosevelt
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2092
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I'm sorry, but you sound immature. Your husband didn't make you cheat. Cheating is either something within you or not. Maybe your husband believes in the old saying once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe the first thing you need to do is realize the affair was your choice. Would it be okay for your husband to talk with and visit with his ex girlfriends? What if you told him that made you uncomfortable, but he did it anyways? How would you feel if it was him that cheated with an ex? Would you easily trust him again? Would you want to tell him that you love him? Would you want to make love to him after he had been with another woman and may still be sleeping with her?
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ladonna
recently joined
Reged: 06/30/06
Posts: 3
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You know, I made a mistake, but I'm am the futherest thing from immature. And well, my husband does have a female friend, that he talks to regularly, one that he went to see in Las Vegas. He says they are friends, she says they are friends, and as far as I am concerned they are. As far as if I am or am not cheating with my ex, well, first of all, that isnt what i want out of life. Secondly, he lives 750 miles away. So, NO, there is not anything going on there. It wasnt an ongoing affair, it was a weekend thing. I didnt do it behind my husband's back, I told him a month ahead of time that I thought we were going in two different directions. I have NEVER told my husband he is to blame for what I did. I take full responsibility for it. As far as my husband sleeping with me, he does it every night, and I dont ask him to, or force him to. Its his choice. When my husband left for Vegas, it opened my eyes to a lot of things, and one of them is the past is the past and you cant change it. you can only learn from your mistake and make a life change of your own. if my husband had an affair while he was in Vegas, i dont know. but, if he did, it has been forgiven. not because i expect the same out of him, but because i love him, and want my marriage to work. i didnt expect sympathy on my behalf, but i also know, i dont need anyone else to degrade me for my actions, i do that every day. i am aware that an affair is an affair whether it last an hour or a decade. but dont think that its an ongoing thing. when i say i talk to my ex, its a phone conversation, mostly in front of my husband, or on yahoo, and my husband is free to read it at any time. immaturity is not part of my vocabulary, i have to much responsibilty to be immature. maybe if i were immature, i could get through to that stubborn husband of mine, but as it is, i take whatever comes, smile, and try to make things the best i can. maybe i should try being immature, yelling, screaming, and being ugly, however, i'm a mother first, a wife, a full time worker, and go to night school, i dont have the energy to have an affair or be immature.
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