NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I know...he should be on his own, but he's not. Not completely. He lives with a friend who doesn't charge him rent. I gave him a credit card and told him he had a $200 a month food allowance on it. He's gone over that consistently for the past three months.
When he graduated from high school two years ago, I bought him his own laptop. The laptop just died, and he doesn't have the money to buy a new computer. He makes his money buying and selling stuff on his website and through eBay, so he really needs one, but I have given him "loans" that have never been paid back, and the monthly allowance, and I just can't see giving him more. I also support a 14 year old daughter that lives with me.
Now, the thing that really has me upset is that he started playing mind games, telling me his father was going to loan him half the cost of a new computer...like I was then supposed to say, "Well, if your father can loan you half, I can come up with the other half." But instead, my reaction was , "Where in the world is your father coming up with the money for that when he owes me so much back CS?"
Since son didn't really know the answer, I let that go, and just tried to finish the conversation on a positive note. I asked him how his holiday was going. Well, you would have thought that I had asked him to commit suicide. Within a two minute period, it was MY fault that he had not found a part-time job, yet, or had gotten his driver's license, yet, or that he had flunked out of college.
Someone, please tell me that this is a phase. I would hate to think that he is so comepletely narcissistic that this is how he will be for the rest of his life.
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F25Divorced
addict
Reged: 01/03/06
Posts: 575
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Nancy
My mom did this with my brother and they will continue to use and abuse untill you stop doing what you are doing. You are not helping him but setting him back. He needs to grow up.
You dont need to be his caretaker anymore to a certain extent, let him fall, he will pick himself back up. I did and I am doing ok now...My brother, well not happening she still does this for him and he is 27. SO.....
Good luck......TOUGH LOVE is what he needs!
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ZeeBabester
journeyman
Reged: 09/06/04
Posts: 66
Loc: CT, by the shore, with my hub...
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Cancel the credit card and DO NOT give him any money for anything! He is a grown male (I won't say man because a real man would NEVER EVER take money from his mother when he was physically able to earn his own) and maybe when you start treating him like one he will start acting like it, and if not, oh well. CUT THOSE APRON STRINGS!
BTW-my laptop is over 3 years old and has been in use 24/7 and its still going strong...so since he broke it-he can get it fixed!
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Within a two minute period, it was MY fault that he had not found a part-time job, yet, or had gotten his driver's license, yet, or that he had flunked out of college.
Your son is a lowlife, and I feel sorry for you that you raised such an inconsiderate self centered creep! He thinks everyone owes him, ha! Won't he be in for a shock! Don't you dare let him manipulate you with guilt! You have the younger child to think of and what kind of example are you setting for her by always bailing sonny boy out!?!
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Someone, please tell me that this is a phase. I would hate to think that he is so comepletely narcissistic that this is how he will be for the rest of his life.
He has serious charecter flaws and will be like this for the rest of his pityful life UNLESS he decides on his own to change.
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~Domestic Goddess~
~All should worship at the altar that is I~
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Nancy, I know its easier said than done, but you need to close your wallet. If you've taken care of him and bailed him out of situations in the past it will be hard for you to do this, and even harder for him to accept it. Perhaps a sit down with him and say
"Son, I know you pride yourself on your independence and are a grown man now, so I think its time that I stop trying to mother you! Now that you're an adult I know you're going to do wonderful things with your life. To get out of your way so you can do that, I'm going to stop trying to take care of your business for you. You're smart and more than capable of taking care of yourself and I know you'll be just fine."
Then I would call the credit card company & lower the limit to say $50 and leave explicit instructions with the company that only you are allowed to raise the limit when you provide a passw0rd. Thats just enough to give him emergency gas money or some hotdogs and milk for the fridge.
Talking to him like I suggested may seem like you're being too soft, but think about from his point of view. Whats he going to say to that? "Yes mom I know I'm grown and don't want to be bossed around or live at home, but you still need to take care of me like I was a little kid". Play to his overblown 20yr old ego. Plus it will hopefully get across the point that the gravy train has ended without you coming out and saying "Quit being a narcissistic deadbeat and grow up!"
Good Luck!
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Thanks, everyone. The pocketbook is closed. He came by yesterday, and I've let him use my computer while I was at work to keep his website attended, but the only thing I've offered him is my old PowerMac (if he can find a monitor) that I retired about seven years ago.
He's shown some independence this week—went out and opened his own cell phone account so I can close the one I've been carrying for him on my account. He still doesn't have a steady job (he's now blaming the fact that all the jobs are taken for the summer—like that ever stopped someone from hiring a permanent employee?).
What I really want him to do is 1) get his driver's license 2) matriculate in a local college 3) get some kind of job, either permanent part-time or summer full-time. I want him to know what it's like to work a 35-40 hour week and have half your earnings taken out for taxes and benefits. He needs to get his own health insurance coverage. He needs to know what it costs to live in the real world!
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Has he tried temp agencies? My work uses them regularly, and uses them heavily during the summer months to cover for vacations. The jobs may not be the most glamorous, or even clean (coffee plant), but those temps who show promise are hired on as full time. With bene's, vacation, and a set shift.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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ooh - good suggestion with the temp agency idea.
I was 4yrs as a housewife in a skilled area that really was hard to find the same pay I used to make before 9/11.
I went through the local temp agency around Sept/Oct and they found a position for me in Feb and I am now happily permenant full time with present employer.
mind you I was considered Professional under their listings which was why it took as long to find a job.
you know what they say - beggars can't be chosey, except I was chosey.
good luck with Mr. Independant.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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That sounds like more than a phase to me. It sounds like a person who has never learned to take personal responsibility. At 20, that is a hard lesson to teach and may have to come from the school of hard knocks.
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