WhyMe
newbie
Reged: 12/28/04
Posts: 32
|
|
Hello,
I have posted here in the past but have been away for a while. The divorce that I was hoping would never happen is now happening.
I randomly read several pages of a book called "Second Chances" by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee and was moved to tears.
The book is about men, women, and children a decade after divorce. It goes into detailed findings that pretty much conclude that divorce is likley to have long-term emotional, economic, and psychological effects on adults and, most especially, on children.
I had to stop reading. Although the book did find that there was good that came from divorce there looked to be more not so good.
Has anyone read this book? Two of the passages that hit home were as follows:
"There were clearly winners and losers in the game of divorce. Usually only one partner wanted out - more often the woman - and for many the decision changed their lives for the better. Sadly, the partner who opposed the divorce often fared less well, feeling that he or she had been left at the post."
"For half the men and women in our study the lost marriage was still alive with raw feelings and strong longings. These people were angry, bitter, and mired in conflict even fifteen years after the breakup."
Am I doomed to fare less well (passage 1) and forever be torn up over the breakup (passage 2)?
I am scared for myself. I am also scared for my kids as the bulk of the book is really about them and the true and lasting impact divorce has on them.
I think I have hit a new low point.
Thanks.
|
Diane67
enthusiast
Reged: 08/14/04
Posts: 341
Loc: California
|
|
Financially I am worse off. Stress wise, I am better off. I am a better person, even though he was the one that left me. I have come to grips that he made the right decision by leaving me.
My children, however, I know are not faring as well as I would like. They constantly feel torn between the two of us. They are beginning to feel the financial crunch of the whole situation. We will be OK, but not as well off as we once were. As long as I can keep a roof over their heads and food on the table and gas in the car, I will be successful.
Take things in small chunks. Set small goals. Then set larger and longer ones. Your life will get back on track again, just not on the same track it was on.
|
overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
|
|
OK. Your question am I doomed to fare less well and be forever torn up over the break up. Well how do you want to feel? Do you want to move forward? I am going through a hellish divorce. My son was coming over yesterday for dinner. I had had a crying spell all day. I realized I had to whip myself into shape quickly or my son was gonna have dinner with a weepy miserable MOm. So I splashed cold water over my face, put the dog on a leash and went out and walked the dog. The sun was shining outside and flowers were in bloom. I came back to get it together to cook dinner and my son and I had a nice dinner together. Had I not made the effort to pull myself together it would have been a miserable dinner for both of us. I am sure that you have things in your life that are worth living for that you enjoy. I am sure that there are wonderful people to meet that I have not met yet and wonderful people that you have not met also. You just have to concentrate on moving forward and making life better for yourself. I strongly advise that you get some counseling. That will help you move forward. I wouldn't put much faith in one person's book on how miserable a divorced person feels years later.
Also --READ HAPPY FUNNY BOOKs. Good lord --don't read downers . That's the last thing you need. Time magazine had an interesting article on happiness a few months ago. I love Ingrid Bergman's quote --"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
|
xmen
recently joined
Reged: 03/01/05
Posts: 18
|
|
whyme,
You are feeling like a Victim and Acting like one. I suggest you change your screen Name and start looking life at a more positive way. This is not the end of the world for you, it is just the beginning of a new chapter. Get yourself in shape, workout, pickup a hobby, do something for YOURSELF and make yourself feel good. The Woman you lost is now Dead. Grief, mourn, but life continues. Start reading Positive Articles, books as someone suggest. Hang out with friends you haven't seen for a while. Concentrate on You and your Kids. Be the best dad you can be.
SOmetimes everyone here just needs some encouragement and realize that Life is beautiful and there are places to go and people to meet. keep your head up and if you are anywhere local to me i would definetly take you out for a drink.
|
WhyMe
newbie
Reged: 12/28/04
Posts: 32
|
|
Yes I would like to change my screen name. It is old and was selected days after I got the news that my wife wanted out.
Does anyone know how to change my screen name?
|
Skylar
recently joined
Reged: 05/10/05
Posts: 19
|
|
It's pretty much a given that divorce is going to have long term effects on everyone involved...but....that doesnt' mean those effects have to all be negative.
Yes, your financial situation will change, and more than likely for both parties, it's for the worst. We do what we can to make ends meet and start over again from scratch.
Yes, divorce is emotionally stressful and draining....but so is a bad marriage.
Yes, divorce is hard on kids...but not nearly as hard as living with two parents who can't stand each other. Kids arent' stupid, they know what's going on no matter how hard you try to hide it.
You can't sit around thinking about teh past and the what if's. You can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. For god sakes, don't sit around listening to sad love songs and reading depressing books !
That's not going to help you and it's sure as hell not going to help your son.
I have been separated for 10 months now, divorce hasn't even gone through yet...I recently tried to read a book about single parenting....stories from single parents and their kids...it was too sad, I wasnt' ready yet...so instead of dwelling on it and crying at every story, I packed it away until I'm ready.
|
lynn47
recently joined
Reged: 03/18/05
Posts: 8
Loc: mich
|
|
I think it is natural to be going thru a lot of pain in divorce. When you are the one that is rejected it is very painfull. Looking at them in a court room after almost 22 years of marriage and they wont even speak civil to you is another post altogether i guess. I am feeling much better about mine now, it takes time. Time heals,just go on through the pain. You can't avoid it you have to walk through it.
|
lynn47
recently joined
Reged: 03/18/05
Posts: 8
Loc: mich
|
|
I meant to reply to why me. Hope you are feeling better
|
legalidiot
enthusiast
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 250
|
|
This is just a stage you are going through. I'm in the same position...wife left with my little girl, starting all over, financial stress. I can tell you this. It is the next (1) year that will determine the rest of your life. If you lay down and become a victim, you will always be a victim. Kids will notice, and probably be distressed because "daddy is a victim" not because you two aren't together. If on the other hand, you pick yourself up, and make your life twice as good as it was when you were together, the children will be better off, you will be better off, and the Mrs. will be wondering "how did I let this happen".
Do it for yourself, do it for your children. Remember, this next year could very well define the rest of your life as well as your childrens.
Oh, and another recommendation. Read "Awaken the giant within" by Anthony Robbins. Changed my life.
--------------------
Keep the relationship problems away from the kids
|
WhyMe
newbie
Reged: 12/28/04
Posts: 32
|
|
Just me checking in again.
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
"Remember, this next year could very well define the rest of your life as well as your childrens."
I will try and keep this thought close to me during the coming weeks and months. I do want to survive and I do want to thrive its just so $#%^*& hard to do right now.
|
sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
|
|
[quote]Just me checking in again.
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
"Remember, this next year could very well define the rest of your life as well as your childrens."
I will try and keep this thought close to me during the coming weeks and months. I do want to survive and I do want to thrive its just so $#%^*& hard to do right now. [/quote]
My dear, you WILL survive. We all survive. It's all up to you!
|
LisaMrie
recently joined
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 4
|
|
If there was a book written about how messed up kids from NORMAL intact families are, it would be MORE depressing than the book you just read!! My children are MUCH happier than most of their friends who live with both parents, married!! Many successful people come from one family homes!! Its all in the parent's attitude! I know that my children and I are doing MUCH better without the X around. No fighting and tension and verbal abuse. I LOVE being a single parent. I am much happier than my married friends.
Just a different take on your view.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
