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buzby25
recently joined


Reged: 04/27/05
Posts: 1
In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man
      #12592 - 04/27/05 09:36 PM

[color:blue] [/color] I'm in NJ & don't know where to go to find answers. Appx. 1 month ago, I began dating a man who had separated from his wife. They were married for a number of years, but had numerous problems/issues. They have 1 child, aged 7. He had been "kicked out" 3 times previously, and after #4, he decided he does not want to go back (prior to meeting me). He's been out of the home for 3 months now, but she alternates between asking him to come back one day & fighting with him to get his things out of the house the next day. We have not slept together yet, but I'm concerned because she hired someone to follow him. He noticed the individual on several occasions, and finally was able to maneuver a confrontation with the gentleman, who admitted that my friend's wife hired him to do the following about a month ago. We're concerned, because we're not sure if she could claim adultery, because we've kissed and hugged in public & done some "heavy petting" in the car (yeah, I know, tacky, but what's done is done). He's saving $ to pay a divorce attorney, but it will be a while before he can come up with the retainer, because in addition to giving her money to support their daughter, he's also paying the mortgage & bills on their home, even though he's not living there. He's an honorable man and wants to make sure his daughter is taken care of, so he does it, even without a court order. Can she use this against him as "adultery"? Is he allowed to date/have a relationship since they're living in separate residences? Do we need to stop seeing each other? Can ANYONE give me some advice? I don't want to stop seeing this man, but I don't want to cause him any problems in his divorce either...his daughter is at stake in all this, and I believe that she is the most important issue. Is there anywhere on the web where I can get this info in writing? Can anyone advise? [color:blue] [/color] [color:blue] [/color] Someone, PLEASE help!

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prginocx
journeyman
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Reged: 01/12/05
Posts: 86
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #13720 - 05/26/05 06:07 PM

Get a pair of boxing gloves and confront the Ex. Doubtful you would be arrested for punching her lights out...

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sugarb
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Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: prginocx]
      #13741 - 05/26/05 09:44 PM

This is adultery and I don't bother giving advice to adulterers. You'll be the one facing a divorce a few years down the line. Good Luck to you!

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FlCowgirl2001
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Reged: 05/24/05
Posts: 39
Loc: Florida
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #13791 - 05/27/05 09:34 PM

I private messaged you.

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TNmom
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Reged: 04/21/05
Posts: 72
Loc: Tennessee
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: FlCowgirl2001]
      #14182 - 06/03/05 01:53 AM

One should not start something new until the old trash is taken out. Stay away and let him settle his issues. It could become a issue if his ex makes it a issue. Odds are if someone is following him, the ex is up to something.

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Moi
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Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #14402 - 06/04/05 02:42 PM

I had a friend who met a married woman. He found out she was recently seperated (past few months) and I like how he put it.... "It ain't over till it's OVEr and maybe not even then." Let him go straighten his act out and if it was meant to be, he'll come back.

In many states, yes, that is considered adultry. In some states, adultry is a crime. In some states, she can actually sue you in civil court for alienation of affection. If you are not the "reason" he is not going back to his wife, well then set him free and see what happens. MANY times, the guy ends up back with the wife. THink hard.

--------------------
Every storm cloud has a silver lining. Will you capitalize on it or b*tch about the storm?


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Chris1
journeyman


Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 75
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #14542 - 06/06/05 11:38 AM

You're picking the wrong man to get involved with.
Let him sort out his relationship with his wife before
getting involved (meaning he's divorced!!).
If you haven't been married, or divorced, you don't
know the mind frame of the process. Nice guy, or not,
and I don't suspect he is, he's confused.
Why take on that burden?


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MaryWhoCares
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #14805 - 06/07/05 04:25 PM

I would NEVER date a separated man period! To put your heart and body into that would be pretty compromised as he could easily go back to the spouse.....

--------------------
Mary

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!


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AZRN
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Reged: 03/22/05
Posts: 151
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: sugarb]
      #15005 - 06/08/05 04:51 PM

Actually, it's not adultery, from a biblical standpoint. In any case, many of us have had our separations and divorces drag on for some time. New relationships are sometimes formed in the meantime. It happens. I'm all for avoiding the baggage that goes along with this, but we're not always so lucky.

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Karen1
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1798
Loc: Ohio
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: sugarb]
      #16942 - 06/17/05 12:33 PM

Sort of agee with SB in a way. There is the trust issue. If he cheats now with you, he may cheat on you later. Simply being separated and saving money for an attorney does NOT mean one is divorced, it just means they moved elsewhere. Given that he has gone back 3 time he may go back this time also. Are you prepared emotionally for that to happen? Are you prepared to possibly be subpoened into divorce court, are you prepared if there are bad results for him if he gets a judge who swayed against him when it comes to visitation/custody etc. because the judge believes adultery is wrong? If you are prepared for these things and can handle them so be it. IMO he is not free to start a new relationship and I would not invest the time in him, now would I trust him knowing he cheats on his wife, separated or not. Plus if the fact I was in his life had any adverse affect on the divorce, visitation etc. I would suffer a great deal of guilt. I know a lot of people could not care less about the biblical aspects on this, but for those who believe, the bible is very clear on this subject.

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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Moi
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Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: Karen1]
      #16948 - 06/17/05 01:54 PM

From a biblical standpoint - If he didn't get married in a church, he isn't even married. (this we do not know)

From a religious standpont - Depending on the religion - he is committing adulty even AFTER the divorce.

From a LEGAL standpoint - it is adultry. How that played into his divorce and custody is dependant on their state laws and the judge.

From a moral standpoint - it all depends on whose morals your talking about ;-)

From a REALISTIC standpoint - MANY people (particularly those with a pattern of break-up/get back together) go through a period after seperation where there is no telling WHAT they are gonna do or whether it is "really" over.

It's really an individual situation.

Is he really DONE with the STBX? Maybe
Will he go back to her? Maybe
Is this relationship the "real deal"? Maybe
Is this relationship a rebound? Maybe
Will it effect his custody? Maybe
Will it make no difference in custody? Maybe
Is adulty considered a crime is their state? Maybe
Are "alienation of affection" laws applicable in their state and does this woman have a case for that and could the poster then eventually find herself sued? Maybe

In the end, you just gotta do what you think is right. I do agree with the poster that if there is a chance this could effect custody and you really care for this man and it DOES effect the custody.... you're gonna have a hard time living with the guilt later.

In reality though... probability and statistically... he is a man. He isn't liable to get full custody of these children. He will most likely get standard EOW visitation, adultry or no adultry. Men who get custody have ex's who don't WANT custody or who are total screw ups and they have some serious evidence to prove it. Not even the "crack whore" Mom looses custody thing is a total reality. My husbands ex is a drug addict (admitedly) and their marriage ended due to HER affair and the most he got was 50/50 and that was ONLY because by the grace of god she agreed to it and by the time she protested it, it was the status quo so she lost suit to take it.

Also reality is that if she has a problem with your relationship with him, she has tools avaialable to make that difficult. Namely a clause in the final custody order stating he can have no overnight visitors when the children are there (meaning you) and he can not cohabit with anyone, meaning no living together until after the wedding.

--------------------
Every storm cloud has a silver lining. Will you capitalize on it or b*tch about the storm?


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MADISON
newbie


Reged: 06/19/05
Posts: 26
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: buzby25]
      #21864 - 07/20/05 01:11 AM

why can't you just wait ...or have you already fallen in love with him...that car situation is not the only tacky thing going on...

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IrrelevantSheIs2
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Reged: 07/23/05
Posts: 5
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: AZRN]
      #22256 - 07/23/05 03:26 AM

It has nothing to do with luck it's CHOICE.
Things don't just happen people make them happen.
Nobody can make you do something you didn't chose to do.


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frecklescat
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Reged: 10/21/05
Posts: 5
Re: In NJ. Question on dating recent separated man [Re: Karen1]
      #38028 - 10/21/05 10:02 PM

If the Devorce Papers are filed its a diffrent deal but just seperated is diffrent, they may be back together soon.
Then where will you be?
Holding the bag.
He will then go to you when they have low times then back to his wife then you then wife.
If he files Devorce Papers then start going with him(Maybe)
not before.


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