mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Damn, maybe I need to be a teacher instead of a nurse. Your hours are definately much better and so is the pay (lol).
Being a stepmom (I consider you to be one, even if you are not married) is the hardest job in the world to figure out. You're not the mother and you have to be more than a friend to the child. You always have to operate in the gray area. Unless someone has walked a mile in your shoes, they have no right to pass judgement. My MIL thinks I don't do enough and my friends think that I go overboard where his girls are concerned. None of them has every been a stepmother. I guess you just have to find your stride.
The fact that your BF is going to go to bat for you with his mother says a lot. I think you guys are going to be able to work through your issues.
As a teacher, have you had any experience with educational neglect?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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The only reason why I make what I do is because I've taught so many years and have advanced college degrees. I also live in CA where COL is VERY high, so we have to make more than some other states. If I went to another state my income would drop drastically. The hours required at school aren't bad, it's all the take home work. The schools also don't buy supplies crayons, colored, pencils, art supplies (they do buy paper, glue, pencils) so any projects come out of our pockets. I have spent up to 4K a year on supplies (out of pocket) that the school doesn't provide , I think that many nurses are underpaid. It's a shame our society values athletes, actors, and musicians more than teachers, police men, nurses, etc.
Unfortunately, I see neglect often. Be it not providing proper nutrition to sexual abuse. There is so much abuse here that when I've called Child Protective Services on suspected sexual abuse/neglect they won't even investigate. Just because I have strong suspicions isn't enough-the child has to admit to it. I'm sure you see many "accidents" that are suspicious as well. We need to stop spending 30-40K to house a prisoner per year and put the $$$ toward prevention. A school counselor would prevent so many tragedies and help students reach their potential. If Arnold has his way we will lose many good teachers.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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I worked in surgery while I was going to school. One of the Dr.'s ONLY accepted Medicaid pediatric patients (which is a rare occurrence since there is no money in that) and we did his surgeries on Fridays. Talk about depressing! When I prepped these babies for surgery, they were so filthy that I had to give them a bath. They were also allowed to take a toy or blanket in with them until they were under general. Uuuggghhh! I wouldn't let my cat snuggle up to their "comfort" items. By looking at most of these kids, you would think they couldn't afford to have running water in their house. I felt so sorry for them. Then, you meet the parents. You would think that they would be equally dirty and pathetic, but this was rarely the case. They were dressed in name brand clothes, nails perfectly manicured, loaded down with jewelry, and talking on a cell phone. God, that really got under my skin.
But, back to the original question....pretty much to sum up what you are telling me, CPS is not going to get involved in an educational neglect issue. Right?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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"BF invited her to my home I own without discussing it with me first for 10 weeks. He expects me to watch her while he is at work because I am off for the summer."
"When she called me names, her father said I was misunderstanding her."
"He basically feels guilty because she was an unwanted "oops" with a short term GF whom he dated on the rebound."
"What gets me angry is that he can't afford to pay CS and pay for her food etc when she visits so I get stuck paying for their food, entertainment, etc or we don't do anything."
"To this day her father still has never talked to her about her behavior and that she needs to be nice to people. When he and I got in an argument about her behavior, he told her that she didn't do anything wrong that everything was HIS fault!! I see the situation as hopeless unless he is willing to get over the guilt trip and discipline her."
"I can't go through that agony again."
"She is immature and says things to child that her hurt just to get back at father for leaving her. He left when she was a couple months old. Mother yells and curses at father on phone in front of child. Mother pawns child off on whoever will take her, but insists on keeping the CS for herself-even if child is away for months."
"The BM is trailer trash-had a child to collect CS and live on govt asst."
"I guess they figure he isn't responsible enough(he admits that he avoids responsibility), so they want to put it on me. BF was on drugs/alcohol when 12 yo was conceived and has made bad choices in his life."
These comments combined give me the impression that you do not respect the man and it sounds like an episode of JS. I guess my post was more a question than a slam. The fact that you have resorted to personal insults in your response reinforced my image of the Jerry Springer lifestyle. That's what most of the "actors" resort to as well. Personal insults. I am quite aware this is scripted, but just as you said, some people do live it. It's your choice. Do you want to live it? Is it worth it? Based on your own comment, "Living In Agony", I cannot imagine choosing this path. I was a step parent myself, I have walked 9 years inthose shoes, and I "lived it", until HE chose to leave with the flavor of the month. It was the best thing that could have happen to me!
You asked for advice. Take it if you wish.
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AZRN
member
Reged: 03/22/05
Posts: 151
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>>>>They don't like how she is being raised and keep pushing for us to go after custody....What makes me angry is that I'm the one they talk to about it-not him. I guess they figure he isn't responsible enough (he admits that he avoids responsibility), so they want to put it on me.<<<<<
"Us?" Since you're not married, it would be him seeking custody. If they don't think he's responsible enough to even talk to about it--AND HE AGREES, it begs the question as to why they feel HE would make a better parent. Oh yeah...he's got YOU.
Insist he be a part of any discussions regarding his daughter. Period.
>>>>He wants to turn his life around, and he has been doing that.<<<<<
>>>>I've told him in no uncertain terms that her behavior is unacceptable, and he understands and agrees with this.<<<<<
>>>>I would work on her behavior, but when dad came home everything was undone.<<<<<
Agreeing is one thing. Acting on it is another. Your original post indicated he was NOT acting on it. If he is now, great. If he's not, what evidence do you have that he IS turning his life around, OTHER than the fact that he's no longer on drugs and living with a trailer-trash woman? Good intentions are nice, but they need actions to back them up. You mentioned several instances where he was categorically NOT in agreement, per his behavior.
If you want to know what people believe in, look at what they DO. If he really wants to turn his life around and be a better dad to her, he will back you up IN ACTIONS and words to her, not just words to you.
>>>>He...wanted to be the "good time dad" and not the disciplinarian.<<<<<
Bingo!! So, he's not really thinking of HER, he's just thinking of himself, right? He's not thinking of her best interests if he follows this course of behavior, since ultimately she will suffer for it and it certainly doesn't help YOU. It just makes things more comfortable for HIM. Wanting to be the "good time dad" means you have to be the "bad time mom." Are you up for that?
>>>>His mother is going to be upset with me and will deny childs misbehavior....Mother is controling and negative. She had her cop brother send her to juvenille hall for rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders.<<<<<
So on the one hand, she denies child's bad behavior to you, but has her sent to juvy for misbehabing at home with her?!? Rightly or wrongly, there is now hard "evidence" of the child's misbehavior, so the mother's denials would be yet another act in her low-class drama. Did someone mention Jerry Springer? ;-)
* * *
Your reply to me changed the tenor and content of your complaint from the BF to the grandmother/MIL. You've mentioned several times in that reply and subsequent posts how understanding your BF is of the situation, all of which *appears* to have happened in the 2-3 days since the original post. I can see how the MIL might be a fly in the ointment, but your BF is still the ointment here, IMO.
You sound like a fairly bright woman, certainly a well-educated one. I believe you will figure things out and decide what you really want. Clearly, you love the BF enough to make the effort to work things out with him. I wish you well!
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willow820
newbie
Reged: 03/22/05
Posts: 32
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No offense, Matilda, but I think that you have bigger problems than your boyfriend's daughter's behavior. I've been coming to this site for awhile and haven't seen many posts that were as hostile as yours. You have a lot of anger . . . towards your boyfriend, towards his father, his ex, his daughter, even towards the people on this board who are trying to help you!
I also think that you are prone to a bit of hyperbole. The very highest paid teachers in California - I mean the ones with the most experience and education, don't make anywhere near six figures (see page 8, http://www.edsource.org/pdf/TeachersCompFinal.pdf ). If you WERE the kind of amazing, successful person that would warrant being paid at the absolute top of the pay scale for all teachers in CA, I have to wonder why you would get involved with someone whose family you think is trailer trash, who has had drug and financial problems, who doesn't seem to have many promising prospects of his own . . . and then choose to have a child without marrying him fist. Two things that I think that are often true: people who have money don't talk about it to the degree that you do here, especially with strangers (I feel like I know what everything in your house costs, even the staircase!), and really successful people don't get mired down with Jerry Springer lifestyles.
This may all seem meanspirited, but there are a lot of people who come here because they really want / need help. That's pretty hard to do if you're not being honest.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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is not going to get us anywhere, guys! Cut the chick some slack. Her original post was probably written during a moment of anger. Has noone else ever vented?
Matilda, even though some of these post seem to be a personal attack, there is information to be found from them. SugarB, originally, was telling you that you were worth more than a Jerry guest, but I think you missed the point! I could be wrong, though, and it sure in the Hell wouldn't be the first time.
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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Actually, Mommy nurse, sometimes when people post, they tend to leave out key aspects of the issues involved. If EVERYONE involved in this situation is as bad as poster states and if she is what she believes to be the innocent victim here, I MUST question the situation.
The first thing that popped into my mind was when I was able to stay at home with my step kids one summer. I could not imagine ever telling the man I married, baggage & all, that I refused to watch his sons, because that was MY free time. Not only that, but the poster also made it quite clear her "stuff" is far more important than the child. I just cannot imagine that someone who works with kids, someone who is educated and trained to care for children, is able to quite coldly say, "I know this girl has issues, but she is cutting into my free time and breaking my stuff." Now, I will be the first to admit I have no training in child psychology, but I think this sounds like a child crying out for attention, be it positive or negative. If she plans on being a step parent and wife to a divorced man, she needs to stop and hug that child. She needs to talk to the child and gain that child's respect. How do you think that little girl might be feeling knowing the future step mom does NOT want to spend time with her. I feel sorry for that little girl.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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with your post SugarB. I think the child is screaming loudly for some attention and acceptance into Matilda's family. If the post was accurate, the child has two parents that fail to provide the love and discipline that she needs. That is sad and makes me wonder what kind of a woman she is going to grow up to be! You learn from your parents and hers are not providing the life skills that she is going to need to be successful.
But, when you were a stepmom, didn't you have any days when you couldn't stand the sight of his kids? In the early days of my marriage, I would dread the visits. I didn't know anyone who was a SM, so had nowhere to turn to for advice. If I would have known about this forum back then, God only knows what my posts would have sounded like. I had many, many angry moments.
I think that she posted during one of her angry moments, that's all. She hasn't found the middle ground, yet. Maybe she never will! But for her/SD/baby/BF sake, I really hope that she does.
P.S. My pre-teen daughter is the devil in disguise right now and I am dreading summer break with her. I swear, if she doesn't get out of this stage soon, I am going to have an exorcist performed!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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stressedout
newbie
Reged: 01/27/05
Posts: 30
Loc: New Jersey
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If I were you , I WOULD RUN FOR YOUR LIFE... I have a similar situation, but god your sounds worse... My step daughter is not so cruel to me, she actually avoids me... The reason I say to run is because you have an infant (I have a toddler with mine) and if you are not getting much support from the BF now, you probably never will. I have been in my situtation for about 8 years now and I am about the point of leaving, although he doesn;t know. Men live in their own little world, taking care of their business and not knowing when you need to sacrifice.
Good luck and again RUN....
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