TeeJay404
recently joined
Reged: 07/18/06
Posts: 4
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I am seeking divorce after 19 years of marriage. Our son is 17 and will be a senior in high school. My husband does not want this divorce. But I do. He says he still loves me. He is very manipuliative and controlling. I have been miserable for a lot of years. I filed for the divorce on July 3rd. Papers were served on him July 4th. I told my son before they were served that it was going to happen. I only did this because I was afraid of what might happen. Since then, he is not willing to leave. I put the proceedings on hold for a bit as a favour to my husband so that he could get used to the idea and save up some money for his own place. He now says he wants to stay until our boy graduates in May. He says its because he is the disciplinary and that our son will run all over me and probably land in jail or worse, if he is not there. I feel I am perfectly capable to guide my son. But financially, our lives will be difficult. Maybe I shouldn't have told our son about this whole thing, since techically, he's not out yet. Because now, I believe our son has some major issues. Don't get me wrong, he has never been in any touble. He is a good student and a good worker. (He works part time.) Its just that he cannot stand to be home and feels so pressured by both of us. I don't want him to feel this way, but I understand that he must feel like he is under a microsope when he is at home with us. Its not a pleasant environment.
I don't make much money and so I would have to work two jobs to make a living. Would it be better to stay married and everyone is miserable? or is it better to just get this done and over with. I don't know what to do.
Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Haven't been in your situation but advice is stay married and get some marriage counseling before you completely give up on the marriage.
Since you would have to work two jobs to support yourself and your son, how do you think that would be a good thing? You most likely wouldn't be seeing him much.
Try the counseling or try to sit it out until your son is out on his own - then you can do whatever you want. You waited this long, a little longer shouldn't be a big deal.
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TeeJay404
recently joined
Reged: 07/18/06
Posts: 4
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I appreciate your reply. I just donot think our living conditions are healthy for my son. I realize I have waited a long time and maybe waiting longer would be a good idea, but is that really whats best?
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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Wow. That's a really hard situation to have to make a decision on. I'm not sure how anyone else could help you make that decision.
It's really up to you regarding what you can tolerate, and for how long. I'm guessing that your son is not going to be moving out the day he graduates, so even if you stay married until then, isn't he still going to be living with you--- and isn't it going to be financially hard whether you divorce now or later?
What has your atty said about how CS and SS (I'm guessing that after so many years of marriage, whoever makes more money would pay something? If you divorce, are there any assets to be split that would help you financially?
It's understandable that he would not want to move out. he probably has more of an idea of how divorce and moving out will affect him, and doesn't want to deal with that, if he can stay with you.
It's also understandable that you'd be tired of being miserable, and want to divorce.
Does he really want to stay in a relationship with you, or is he wanting to stay in order to not give up the house? If you moved out with your son, would he still be wanting to 'be with you'?
If your main concern is financial, then you need to get a good picture of how things will be financially if you divorce. It's understandable that you might have to work 2 jobs- but if you had support, maybe one would be enough. If not, would it really be that bad to work 2 jobs if you got out of a miserable relationship, and your son was still living with you? Would he be unhappy if you worked 2 jobs, or would he just be glad that you got out of the relationship?
Those are questions only you can answer. It makes no sense to make a decision either way until you find out where you'll stand financially and custody-wise.
I think it would be very difficult for a 17 year old to not realize his parents are divorcing, so I see nothing wrong in telling him about it, if you are actually planning to do it. Telling him anything about his father wanting to stay, and to stay married is a bit more personal, and shouldn't be discussed with him. It's reasonable that he would be feeling stressed, considering the situation. Talk to him about his feelings, and perhaps get him to a counselor if he wants. I think there's counselors at school?
I'd try to get the big picture and have a good idea about the consequences before I made any decision.
Good luck.
c
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TeeJay404
recently joined
Reged: 07/18/06
Posts: 4
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Thanks Mama,
I appreciate your reply. Yes, you raise some very good questions and concerns. I have been going over all these things in my mind that you mention, for over a year now. This is not a spur of the moment decision. I didn't want to get into the financial aspects too much. Yes, there is community property. We both have Ira's and a house to sell. Stocks,bonds and savings to split up. I don't make much money though, and child support won't last long. I don't want to go throught all of our savings in a matter of months just to live on. I just know that my son is very miserable seeing me so miserable. I do plan to get some counselling for myself and for my son too, if he wants to.
Thanks,
T
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30378
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...you move YOUR ass out of the house!
Sorry if that sounded so blunt, but where is it written that the MAN has to move? Why SHOULD he move? You have listed NOTHING other than you think he is controlling and manipulative, and then, as an example, said that he wants to stay because he is concerned about the child. Grow up and make a decision. YOU want the divorce, YOU move out. See how easy it is THEN.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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TeeJay,
Gr8dad has a point. That's the first thing I thought when reading your post.... why should HE have to move out? Why don't you move out? Of course your husband wants to stay and make your marriage work. He doesn't want to be ripped out of his son's life his last year of high school and relegated to a visitor! How would you like someone unilaterally making that decision for you - giving you no choice in the matter? I'll answer that for you; you would HATE it.
Yep, if you're that unhappy, my vote is for you to leave. Let your husband stay and parent his son the way he wants to. You can be the visiting parent and pay child support to the father.
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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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[quote]I appreciate your reply. I just donot think our living conditions are healthy for my son. I realize I have waited a long time and maybe waiting longer would be a good idea, but is that really whats best? [/quote]
Of course. Working out the problems is a marriage is ALWAYS preferable to divorcing! I don't see how you think you can decide to divorce and make your husband leave. You need to do a lot more planning. If you can't afford to leave and support yourself, you will have to stay. It's just wrong for you to expect him to leave when he doesn't even want to divorce. If you're unhappy, chances are a divorce is not what will make you instantly happy.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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TeeJay404
recently joined
Reged: 07/18/06
Posts: 4
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Point taken... But since my husband has a far commute to work, which I did not communicate in my original post, and since my son says he would rather live with me and continue going to his same school, my attorney tells me that my husband is the one that should leave. In our state, the custodial parent usually stays in the home with the child. I would love to leave, but I won't abandon my son. I guess that since I am the one that wants out, I will just have to stay in this miserable marriage a while longer until he graduates. Then I will move and my husband can do whatever he wants with the house. Believe me, if it were the other way around, I would get out.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30378
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"since my son says he would rather live with me and continue going to his same school"
AGAIN, basing this on the idea that HE will move. If YOU move out, Junior will STILL get to go to the same school. Also, no one suggested that you relocate to the antartic, just move out of the house. Your town DOES have more than one HOUSE, right?
"my attorney tells me that my husband is the one that should leave"
And I bet, if he has one, HIS lawyer is telling him the same. But the bottom line is that YOU want the divorce, there is NO abuse that you mentioned (although I am SURE that there will be some after THIS post, right?), so why should HE have to move out of his HOME, because YOU want out of the marriage?
"In our state, the custodial parent usually stays in the home with the child."
First, you are assuming quite a bit, such as that YOU will be the custodial parent, second, that there will even BE a custodial parent. A divorce can take YEARS, the kid is SEVENTEEN. He will most likely be 18 before this even sees the inside of a courtroom.
"I would love to leave, but I won't abandon my son."
So, you see moving out as abandoning your son...then want HIM to do it? Get real.
"I guess that since I am the one that wants out, I will just have to stay in this miserable marriage a while longer until he graduates. Then I will move and my husband can do whatever he wants with the house. Believe me, if it were the other way around, I would get out."
You mean if HE wanted the divorce, you would walk away? PUHLEEZE...
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
Edited by gr8Dad (07/28/06 12:47 AM)
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