jane433
recently joined
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 10
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Hi, I'm a new comer, from new york, Here is my story, need support and advices, thank you.
I will be married for 3 years in november this year,we have no kids, I am 29 years old, my husband is 35, he is an american, I moved from Hong Kong to here to marry him, I met my husband on the dating website, we met a couple of times in canada, then he decided to bring me here to get married. our marriage haven't been good since we got married, we have a lot of rough time, we always have an arguement and fight about something little, in average we argue 2 times a week, and our arguement always lasts a few days even a week, there are some moment we are happy, but most of time we are not happy. we have tried so many times to work things out,to compromise things, marrige counseling....etc ,at the first year i felt my husband still wanted to work things out, he still treated me good, second year he brought a house, we moved to the new house, i feel he has changed from the very nice person to the person who wasn't the one I married to, became very abusive verbally when we argue, short-tempered, and sometimes impossible to talk to, one more important thing is that " HE OFTEN TELL ME TO GET DIVORCED ", if i don't change myself.
I have to admit that I have my own issues , I'am short-tempered,I always get mad at him over something little, but i have been changing myself to become a better person, yet not 100% perfect what he wants me to change, he blamed 90% fault on me, he think my personality is bad, he said he can't deal with me anymore....etc.
I feel he always has something new to tell me to change when we argue, he will say " If you don't change, then I don't want this marriage,it's up to you. " and i am always the one has to go to talk to him to make him stay in this marriage. i feel i can't take this too long - being have him to tell me divorce all the time, i don't want to keep going to talk to him stay in this marriage, meanwhile i love him, and he said he loves me, i don't want to get divorce, i have so much struggle at this point, i am going to be insane if the situation keep going on like this.
I tried to talk to my family, but all they do just tell me to get divorced with him, he is not worth for me to stay with...etc, i don't feel it's helping me feel better or making me feel what is the best for me...so I am hoping here I can get some advices and courage to make a decision - " stay or go " ?
I also have some concerns IF I do get divorced :
1) I never work here, I am afraid I will not be able to support myself, and will lower the standard of living which i am having now.
2) Right now I don't have my driving licence, since I haven't moved to the USA too long, and not yet a US citizen until next year, but I'm a permenant resident.
3) IF we get divorce, we will have to live in the same house until i am able to self-sufficient.
what should I do now????? 
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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1) yes, if you divorce your standard of living will decrease unless you start now by getting a job. In a short term marriage he doesn't need to take care of you if you divorce.
2)There are buses, trains, bicycles to use to get to a job or school. You also have feet. If you want something there is a way to get there. It may not be the preferred method by car, but we can't have everything we want.
3)If you divorce you do not have to live in the same house until you become self sufficient. He can make it so that you have to move out. He is not responsible to take care of you until you can take care of yourself. If it takes 10 years for you to become independent, should he have to put his life on hold just so that you have a roof over your head.
It sounds like you went into this relationship not being able to take care of yourself. Not to be mean but did you marry him to take care of you and help you get to the US or because you loved him?
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jane433
recently joined
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 10
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yes, i do love him,...so why i married him,i had a good job in hong kong, and i made enough money to support myself then. i did not have to marry him just because wanted him to take care of me.
unfortunately, things in our marriage is getting ugly now, i am living in the remote countrysie, no any transportation, I feel I lost the opportunities which i could make money and 3 years time to hold my life inside the house,so he don't have to make up for me?? ..
1) it sounds to me he doesn't have to pay me alimony if he divorce me? ...i have a doubt on that, so i don't have any saving, money, he can kick me out of the house, and doesn't have any responsibility????
2) he brought this house after we got married, and i put the money in it to remodeling this house, so should i suppose to entitled this house too?
i think everything is fair, it sounds what you told me, i am not entitled anything if he divorce me. He is the person who wants a divorce, not me.
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jane433
recently joined
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 10
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I think living in the countryside,having a car is a basic requiremnt to survive, this is something we " NEED " not we want, except you live in the big city, how I supposed to do in the winter time deal with all the snow,if I just walk or take buses or ride a bicycle???
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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Jane,
You are entitled to an equitable division of assets from the marriage, but I don't know if you'll be able to get spousal support (almony) or not. You really need to consult an attorney and don't let him bully you around. Personally, I hope you two will be able to work things out, but if it does end in divorce, please consult an attorney and make sure that you are treated fairly. Good luck.
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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If he bought the house after you were married you MAY be entitled to part of the house. That would depend upon where the funds came from to buy the house and how much the house is currently worth. If you haven't had a job how have you paid for the remodeling? Do you still have proof that you contributed financially? If yes, keep that documentation.
How far do you live from town? Do you have friends in the area who can help you out? Why can't you get a driver's license? Why not get a job during the nice weather when you can walk or bicycle to work?
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jane433
recently joined
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 10
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thanks for the message, I want to work things out with him, but having him to tell me alot about getting divorced, it is really devastating my emotional and mental health, when we argue, and he is the one always threat me to get divorced, and it made me cried all night long because what he said, and that was not the first time I heard that, so i don't think he loves me as much as i want to, or he just think i am helpless right now, i will not be able to go anywehre....i don't know. I have so much struggle and stresses in this marriage.
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jane433
recently joined
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 10
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i do not want to take advantage of him,meanwhile i do not wnat him to take advantage of me either, i just want to be treated fairly if divorce happen, i do not expect i will have the same half the equlity of this house,but at lesat i will entitle some, i am not lazy sit around home, doing nothing, i take care of all the household things fairly clean,do laundry, cook....etc, i consider myself contribute the effort to this marriage/the house, yet they are not monetary stuff.
I had never been living in the country before, where i was born is like new york city, they have subway and taxi...etc, i don't know how to ride bicycle, from my house to the one little store, it will take me half hour to walk, here has nothing, but a lot of open-field, neighbor here are far from each other, trees alot , so you can't really see your neighbor.
i don't have firends, i am learning drivign by myself righ t now, sometimes he teaches me a bit, because he is very busy, no fixed working schedual, the driving school doesn't provide the " pick up " service, so i am unable to have someone to teach me drive. anyway, i am working on the driving, i will just have to wait him to have some time to take me practise driving on the road.
The money I borrowed from my father, I used the real heart to treat him at the first, i didn't care if my name was in this house at first, i just wanted to help himthen, but now things are going down, and all I hear just " ask me to leave...etc " and he is making me realize that " true love " doesn't really happen in nowaday community.
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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True love does really happen. I think that maybe the two of you didn't take enough time to get to know each other before you got married. Two I think that moving to the country where you aren't near other people is a difficult change. You are dealing with a different culture, a new marriage, and completely different living conditions.
Aren't there community get togethers that you could go to with your husband? That way you could get to know the neighbors and not be so lonely. He is off at work and you are home alone all day long without human companionship. I bet you can't wait for him to get home and have someone to talk to. He's been around people all day long and probably wants to come home and relax. I think that the two of you need to compromise. You need to respect that he wants to sit and relax and he needs to respect that you want to go out. You need to have nights where each person gets their wishes.
You said your husband keeps mentioning divorce. Is it always for the same reason or a bunch of different reasons? If it's one specific reason then you need to listen to what he is saying and figure out a compromise.
Also even though you are isolated you can look in the yellow pages and find an attorney to do a free initial consultation. You may or may not get money from the house etc. it depends upon so many circumstances.
I have an idea for you. For the next 3 days (minimum) make him great dinners and give him compliments. Try to keep everything positive-NO NAGGING!! See if his attitude starts to change. If you work on making him happy then just maybe he will want to work at making you happy too. If he doesn't then that tells you something.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Wow--the two of you met on a dating web site. You even took the time to meet in person a couple of times in Canada. Then, you gave up everything and moved to his country to marry him.
Imagine that not working!
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