jamesjr
newbie
Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 38
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Well its been almost 4 months since my separation from my wife.if some of you remember she cheated and left me for an older man.i'm staying in the house and she has moved in with friends of ours.she see's her new boyfriend on the weekends because of the distance.so sometimes,probably every other week we will meet and have dinner and discuss bills or the house.everybody has told me to start distancing myself from her.i would call,text,or email her everyday.now maybe once a week.hard to believe after all the crap she put me thru i still wanted to be there for her.anyway we still havent divorced yet.i think part of us still cares about each other so the paper part is no big deal,atleast thats how she put it.so i have started dating about a month ago and everything is going fine.not really looking for anything serious at this time,just trying to figure out emotionally where i'm at.
So last week i took a little weekend trip with this new friend of mine.on monday when i got back my ex was calling so i just ignored it.she was calling and texting a couple of times which is not like her.when i finally did call her she had found out about our weekend trip thru friends of ours.maybe i told friends on purpose so she would find out.anyway she was jealous i can tell you.she said it didnt bother her but you could tell.then she proceeds to tell me we need to divorce now and sell the house.she was going into a small rage.it was weird to see that side of her.i think she realized she was losing that string she had me attached to.finally she calmed down.so then a few days later she came by the house to pick up some more of her stuff.you could tell she was bummed,and i played it to the hilt.showed no interest and talked without looking at her.she didnt like that either.i felt so empowered to let her twist in the wind after all she put me thru,even though i truly care for her.
so this week she calls me to go out to dinner.we end up going to dinner and a movie.during dinner all she could talk about was how all week she has been thinking about us and me.she wishes she would of tried harder in our marriage and she misses me and the house and the life we had.she wants to know if we can make wednesdays our permanent day to meet every week.she says she has a great time with me and likes hanging out.but she also says she doesnt want to come back.i have to remind her that i dont want her back and i am with someone else and so is she.it was good to here her say these things.i felt as though it was because i had moved on,even though she says thats what i needed and it was for the best.i admitted to her that i missed the times we had together and being with her.so after we were in the car talking. and i just leaned over and kissed her.before you know it we were making out like teenagers.then she finally stopped me and says this isnt right,were getting divorced.then she started to cry and says that there is so mutch emotion when we are together and kissing.sounds like confusion to me.what the !@#%?
anyway left that night feeling pretty good.the next day she called and said dont expect that to happen everytime now.she isnt ready for that if ever.i dont know if maybe the shine on her new boyfriend is wearing off or she was just playing me like a fiddle.whats strange is she has never been the game playing type.she is very booksmart and good at her job,but has always been very dumb in the social arts with men.very unlike her.
my 2 closest friends differ on this.one says dont even go there.after what she did you could never trust her.the other says that if you ever want her back,these are all good signs.
so my dilemma is what to do.i know i should just move on but part of me still cares for my soon to be ex,especially after what she did.please...any kind of insight would be helpful at this junction.
jamesjr
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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I think she still has you on the string and she's testing to see how elastic it is. She is tossing you up and down like a yo-yo. You need to move on with your life date and go out with friends. If things are meant to be between you and your STBX they will happen. Sounds like right now she wants her cake and to eat it too. Well, maybe you shouldn't date because you might end up playing with someone else's emotions without meaning to. When your head is on straight then date. I would seriously consider filing for the divorce and moving on with your life. If she wanted you then she would be with you.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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I think she is playing with you and YOU are letting her do it. Stay away from her. You don't know, maybe behind your back, she is laughing because you still "want" her. Don't give in to her.
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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James, I hardly feel qualified to give advice, but since you asked, I'll tell you what I think: I agree with Matilda--she wants both. Unless you are ok with that (I hope you're not), she needs to know that she can't have both. Forget the Weds. night dates for ANY reason as long as the other guy is in the picture.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Yup she has you by the short and curlies.
As for the Wednesday thing ... forget it. She wants to be able to control your social life and if she can hang onto one night it will become 2 and so on.
And in future, what will get to her more is to tell her absolutely nothing about your personal life. It is none of her business because she has shown you by her actions she is no longer interested in a monogomous relationship. So therefore do not tell your friends anything. Say "I am going out of town this weekend, feed the dog please. Here is my cell number if your need me." And leave it at that.
I think you need to keep any other relationship away from this wife of yours. Is it fair to this other lady to allow her to be used as a retaliation for your wife wandering off wiht her boyfriend? I would be very upset.
And get divorced and move along with your life. Your wife is a player and the only way to beat a player is to change the rules.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Am I the only one who is concerned about the innocent woman who doesn't deserve to be caught in the middle of this? You went away for the weekend with someone, you told your wife you're seeing someone and yet you made out with her? I think until YOUR confusion is over you should leave innocent people out of it. I've been hurt in rebound, revenge situations before and frankly it sucks to be used to get over someone.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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jamesjr
newbie
Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 38
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The girl i am seeing now fully understands what i am going thru.she went thru the same thing about 5 years ago after a 20 marriage.she gives me lots of space and knows when i see my ex.she also knows there are feelings there i still have and she is in no hurry as am i to jump into anything.she likes talking about it with me as we are just friends at this point.no harm or foul.
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jamesjr
newbie
Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 38
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Anyway,last nite me and my ex talk.now she then proceeds to tell me she is fully committed to seeing it thru with this guy.even though everybody and myself tell her its wrong.he has no money,no future,and no job.being over 50 you think he would have his life in order by now.she says she is ok with that,as long as he can bring in some money,its fine.she says she would rather take care of someone so they can be there for her when she gets home.she used to [censored] at me for not making enough.i tell her i dont know who she is anymore.she says it bothers her to hear that from me.its true though,she has totally changed for this turd.i know people have to learn things on there own but this is so stupid of her.and why should i care? because i still love her i guess.she has so much to lose and she doesnt realize it.but she still wants to hang out with me.people are right when they say she wants both things,my friendship and his love.i tear myself up everyday trying to stop caring for her so she can live her life.i guess it hasnt been enough time.i can get on with my life but she keeps sucking me back in with this "i thought about you this week" idealism.will she miss me?if i just flat out blew her off would she call? or would that just give her the strength to carry on without me.someone please answer these questions to ease my mind either way.
jamesjr
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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The word is yo-yo. She will call to test to see what power she still has on you. It is an ego feed for her to know that you still want her. IF SHE WANTED YOU SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU. You want to shock her and test her feelings then go out and file for a divorce very soon. Since she has already told you that she wants to be with the other guy, what else does she have to say to make you understand that it's OVER. It totally sucks being in love with someone that doesn't love you. What sucks even more is wasting your time and life pining over someone who loves someone else. Move on.
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Rann
journeyman
Reged: 06/08/06
Posts: 72
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James,
I agree with all the feedback and advice you've been given. I was played like a YO-YO for almost 5 months. I fell for it almost everytime, until someone here told me to stop giving her money and see how much she wants to reconcile. Well, I haven't heard from her since June lol! We would meet for lunch only (her house was off limits-IMAGINE THAT!) and she would constantly ask for more money...telling me how rough it is, blah, blah, blah.
She took thousands from me on her way out the door (blamed me and continued to blame me for everything that went wrong) but still kept me close, but not too close. She wanted to "hang out" with me, have me meet her new man, etc. Meet your new man? Woman, you have to be smoking crack or something. Furthermore, she said she wanted to "date" me while we were separated. Date me, hang out with me? I was floored when i heard those words.
Ultimately, she tested the waters over and over again, getting a little more money here and there until I just stopped one day. I stopped and she had no futher reason to talk to me. I feel pretty freakin played and used to be honest... I'm still pissed about how she just left and left me with $126.00 in my account, wait they were joint accounts, excuse me. Only to be reminded "they were joint accounts, honey." She sat at home and played on her webcam, flirting, making videos, taking pics, hiding her net tracks, and eventually just took off one day citing "I didn't pay enough attn to her." I moved on and it feels good to ignore her subtle and not so subtle requests for money.
My divorce was final a few months ago, and it feels pretty dang good to have done my best to close one horrible chapter of my life. I lived through some dark days and sleepless nights wondering what happened.
I read "Boundaries" recently and it really opened my eyes up. I'd suggest you pick up a copy and press on. I know I said a lot, but I needed to vent after reading what you posted. i went through something similar and it SUCKED!
Edited by Rann (07/31/06 09:29 PM)
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