JaniceB
recently joined
Reged: 05/22/05
Posts: 7
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My family is just a victim of circumstances. My husband I admit is immature and irresponsible, but every Marriage has those times of Better and for Worse. I do not feel there are real grounds for a divorce. We have had a rough 8 months, with 2 deaths in the family, an accute illness, job changes and loss's, I could go on. These are the times you work together and fight for strength to see you and your spouse get through this. I do not want a divorce, and my husband has not given a real reason for wanting a divorce. He just chooses to run instead of copeing with what life puts in front of him. I want to see if we can save or marriage. What can I do to see at this time, that the courts do not grant the divorce, at least not at this time? I love my husband, my family, and I made a promise in front of my family, to him and to god, What rights do I have? Can someone help? I live in Mississippi, what rights do I have?
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Either party can divorce with or without the consent of the other. So you can't stop a divorce. You can only prolong it, and that will just make him even more determined.
What you CAN do is try to get him to sit down and talk to you, or both of you to sit down and talk to a counselor. And perhaps get him to agree to give it some time and thought and not rush into it.
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Char Fox
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JaniceB
recently joined
Reged: 05/22/05
Posts: 7
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Is that true for Mississippi???? That is my question... Mississippi is NOT a NO fault state, Adultery in Mississippi is punishable by jail time, a fine or what ever the judge see's fit. Now if he has no grounds and just unhappy because of everything that has happened in our life like I mentioned before, Don't I have the right to say, I believe this marriage is fixable, with councling and etc. My understanding was there is a BIG difference between a Fault state and NO fault state. I would like to save my marriage, but he will not even see me, I forced him to talk to me a few days ago, but like I said early it has to take 2 indiviuals to make this work, not one. He hasadmitted to loving me and always has, so I just dont get it..... Yeah, people died, yeah I got ill (can't help that)I lost my job because of being sick, but he has switched jobs 5 times in less than 2 years. I stood by him through everything. I just think he made irrational decision at the spur of the momment, without letting some time go by, and to let his head clear, and to really, really think about whay he was doing... He does this alot, and later suffers the consequences. He creates his own Drama.
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AZRN
member
Reged: 03/22/05
Posts: 151
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Janice, you said "my husband has not given a real reason for wanting a divorce," but in another post you talked about his adultery online... ("I found letters, very intmate detailed letters, I have confermation from the woman he was invloved with about the cyber relationship.")
Could it be he wants the divorce so he can pursue this relationship--or have the freedom to start another one? Sounds like that's his "reason."
When you didn't know, the cheating was probably a lot more satisfying to him. The "fear" of being caught seems to add "spice" to this sort of thing for many cheaters. Once the game is up, the reasoning may be...why stay married to someone he didn't respect enough to stay faithful to and who now KNOWS all about the infidelity?
YOU may forgive him and want to keep the marriage together, but it seems he signaled HIS intentions by cheating and then asking for a divorce. Hard to separate the two things, IMO.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I know of no state that doesn't allow a divorce. Even "irreconcilable differences" can be considered to be the fault of one or both. Some states may have a longer wait and more hoops to jump through. But eventually, if someone wants a divorce, they can get it. A person could even move to another state, remain there for 6 months and divorce in that state.
If he won't even see you, are you sure of "his" love? Are you sure this is just another drama? Maybe he's already moved on to someone else and that's why he's refusing to see you? Maybe not. But he has a reason for refusing to see you, and it might not be a reason you're aware of. If it's just a spur of the moment decision, he won't be able to get a divorce overnight. And he'll HAVE to see you once you go before a judge, or even a mediator as some judges require mediation before court. So he may yet have time to change his decision. But if he's this fickle about his decision on his marriage, you either need to get him into some counseling or move on for your own sake. Because he's likely to keep doing this if he backs down this time and your life is going to be a roller coaster of possible divorce.
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Char Fox
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JaniceB
recently joined
Reged: 05/22/05
Posts: 7
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Azrn,
You must like soaps, cause I posted that on an AOL board. Anyhow, those are my grounds for a divorce, not his. yes, I do ave all conformation and yes he did do everything stated. The situation is that everyone makes mistakes, a nd people can get help for straying from ones marriage. I am not a believer that once a cheater, always a cheater.. He admits to his mistake, and has No communication with that woman... No as for him not having grounds for a divorce, he has NONE! he has told me that he just can't live with me. I have asked why? He has NO answer. Now I have come to my own conclusion it is because I make him be resonsible, I make him be an adult. he would rather do things his way, than working together. Like Isaid it takes 2 people wrking together, not 1 ... He would rather work against me. he is rather selfish and very childish, immature, these are all things that with couciling and inderstanding can be worked out.. he chooses not to, because he would rather be a child than have to grow up. In the end like ai stated on aonther thread, you can be happy again, you canmake things work BUT it will have to be both of you and not just one of us.. he is taking the coard way out,and it is unrealistic to think that there is such thing as a marriage that does not have problems. We al lhave good timesand BAD, it will only make you marriage stringer in the nd if you can both get through it together, and also make the love you share stronger. he is acting like a child not an adult. A true coward.
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JaniceB
recently joined
Reged: 05/22/05
Posts: 7
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ALmostheaven,
Mississippi has no mediation. Mississippi does allow ID for aform of divorce, but Mississippi does not just have a hearing on divorce, if the divorce iscontested it is set for automatic trial, and the judge hears both sides even if it is ID for grounds for divorce. In Mississippi the waiting period for a non-contested is 60 days. If Adultery is the grounds your divirce will be granted at the time of trial NO WAITING. Now, my understanding is that Louisisana and Mississippi are 2 of the hardest states to get a divirce in. In lousisana your grounds must be proven even if it is ID, the judge does not have to grant a divorce. I was also told that Mississippi even one party pleads to the judge that when asked if the marriage can be saved, if one party says yes and cast reasonable doubt for the judge, he will not grant the divorce, he will order couciling and a further waiting period to see if the marriage can be saved. Please remember these are southern states and marriage down here in the bible belt id more sacred than say CA, or states up north. I talked with my attorneys office today,and they did indeed tell me eventually a divorce can be grounded, BUT MIssissippi is ot a state that just hands a divorce to any one just beocaseu they want one. My Atorney explained to me she has a clinet that he is the Defendant, and they have been in an ID divorce and the wife has contested the dovorce for over 2 years, and the judge has not granted the divorce. She cannot give me full details of that situation, but disclose that the husband is starting to consider going back to his family and wife, not because he has to, because in time it has not been greener on the other side, he has realized he loves his wife and his family.... He had no real grounds, he was just being selfish... Sounds alot like my husband. I have talked with my husband last night for 2 hours over the computer. He once again stated he loves me and always will, he is very sorry for everything, but he just can't live with me..... I have decided I will give him his divorce, and our paper work will be chaged to NON contested to just get it over with so I can try to move on. The one thing I pointed out to him, that this is a pattern for him and I.. We were together for 8 years off and on.. He would have his fits and he would awlays come back runing to me EVERYTIME!!!!!! I told him I am not his girl friend anymore, I am his wife, I am not going to play the game anymore. This time the door is Officailly closed, dont come knocking 3 months, 6 months or a year from now, it is OVER forever. He replied with "ok"... I dont think he gets it.. He livees in a delusional world of his own, in the end he will suffer from his choices and his own drama. Icant save him anymore. THE DOOR IS CLOSED!
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JaniceB
recently joined
Reged: 05/22/05
Posts: 7
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oops, I forgot to mention, that of the 8 years we have been married for over 2 years... It took us that long to get down the ilse, and he is still playing games. So, like I said we both came to an understanding last night. My papers stated Adultery and crulety, his stated ID. We have both notified our attorneys today, we will have it changed to Non-contested a nd ID.. My attoreny from here on out will handle everything, we did decided on a settlement, we wil l sign the papers together, He agreed we came into this mariage together, we will go out together, so I guess I will see him then... Also he will see me alot when im getting things out of our Marital home. I agreed to let him keep the house, I have a settlement coming $$$$$$$$$ in order to buy me out,so I agreed. So as much as I think this marrraige is fixable, I will let him dig his hole deeper, he will and I promise you both, he will regret everything in the end... I know him like the back of my hand! And almostheaven there is no other woman, he just continues to play in the unrealistic world of cyber land, cause it is much easier to hide behind a computer screen then to go into the real world and find a real person. Being behind a screen is safe for him ,cause they do notknow the real him, he an be who ever he wants to be, it is safe, but what he does not realize, it is not the real world and he is lving in a FANTC world, a virtual world that is NOT REAL.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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The sooner and the more often you can get to a place in your head where you keep strong emotions out of the very important financial decisions you are making the better off you will be. Realize that your soon to be ex doesn't care how sad you feel etc. You can only control what you do. And what you want to focus on right now is the $$$$$$$$$ not the heart. I made the mistake of being an emotional invalid for 6 months after he left. I did not even hire an attorney for 6 months. That was really stupid. I delayed getting temporary spousal and I can't get it retroactively. Had I gotten on the dime immediately I would have gotten a lot more money. Like you I was initially was devastated. Now I realize that he is a true cretan and a jerk and I am so glad he is gone.
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AZRN
member
Reged: 03/22/05
Posts: 151
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"You must like soaps, cause I posted that on an AOL board"
No actually, you posted that HERE. I cut-n-pasted it from another post of yours in THIS forum. Further, it was not clear to me that this extra-marital relationship was in fact kaput.
I think you are being very forgiving and that's great, but are YOU being realistic? If he's not willing to communicate much with you, it sure makes it hard to try and keep the marriage together. Having been together 8 years--married the last 2--and having taken "that long to get down the aisle," it sounds like he was NEVER all that keen on the committment of marriage--and its attendant responsibilities.
"Like I said it takes 2 people working together, not 1"
Bingo. My point was simply that he doesn't seem to want to stay married to you, and besides the (now past) infidelity, you have actually listed many reasons why. i.e...
"He would rather do things his way...
He would rather work against me...
He is rather selfish and very childish, immature...
He would rather be a child than have to grow up...
He is acting like a child not an adult. A true coward..."
These may not be legal grounds for a divorce, but they are his "reasons."
Counseling CAN help resolve issues in a marriage--if both want that. I don't see how counseling can help if one of the parties is neither adult enough to actually BE in a marriage, nor willing to GO to counseling.
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