lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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This morning was terrible for me, the backwards step is happening. My oldest boy and the 3 year old were all upset about daddy not being home. When we leave in the morning they see his truck and they get so upset. The questions started then they started crying. I hurts me to see them hurting like this so bad. It makes me try to be strong for them but it just hurts so so so bad. I can't imagine how they must feel but I am sure it is worse or as bad as I do for the whole thing.
My son, 11, said why can't you just be together anymore, why can't you be grown up. Ha, what a great question that I don't know the answer to. I didn't respond, I don't know what to say. The 3 year old screamed and cried she wanted me to turn around. I am so angry with him for doing this and then I get to set and clean it all up.
He is trying to play the sympathy card, it is working, I hate more then anything to see them like this and think the whole time I can do NOTHING about it.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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There isn't much you can say to your 11 yo except "Sometimes when grownups have problems they don't always act like they are supposed to." If he asks anymore then refer him to his father.
He's not playing the sympathy card because right now he doesn't think he needs sympathy. And he doesn't from you or the kids. He needs a dose or reality. Since he's living across the street take the kids over there tonight, knock on the door and say "Your kids want you." If she answers the door say "Since you want to play house with my husband here is the rest of his family. They need to be fed and have baths and help with homework. I am pregnant with his child and need to rest this evening." Turn around, walk away and don't answer the door for the rest of the night. The house playing fantasy may be over after that.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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He is living with his mother. He is not there until late at night usually when the kids are in bed. I told them to talk to him and they refuse. Good gried this is nuts.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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I would just tell the kids to ask their questions to their dad. I mean, you are the one that is with them, he isn't so let him have to explain it to them.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Is there anytime that he is his mother's house earlier - like right after work? I would take them over right then and there.
Wonder what his mother would say if you dumped all the kids on her for a few hours?
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mtdew
member
Reged: 07/08/06
Posts: 133
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DD had a really hard time because she is really a daddy's girl. She was having nightmares, didn't want to stay at his house, etc. I called and talked to her guidance counselor at school. She has been a huge help with DD getting a handle on all of this. I think they need somebody impartial to talk to about it.
Most of DS's friends have divorced parents so that is where he gets his impartial support from.
The kids are WAY more perceptive than we think. Once I realized that my behavior was hurting them as badly as their dad's, I got a grip on myself at least in their presence. DS said the other day that he felt like they weren't good enough for their dad or he wouldn't have gotten a new family. I realized that my pity party was making them feel like they weren't good enough for me either. They deserve at least one unselfish parent.
I know it's hard to watch your kids go through this but it will make them stronger in the end, just as it will you. In reality, there is nothing you can do about his behavior toward them but you can do a lot about yours. You can show them that when life deals you a near-death blow, you pick yourself up and overcome it.
Hopefully he will move this weekend and then I think it will be easier on you and the kids to accept. If it were me, I would even consider moving being as his mom is across the street. Once he starts paying CS/alimony he will be broke and may have to stay with mom. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do in order to protect ourselves and our kids.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I came home from work, can't focus of course. He is moving as I am typing this right now. He came over to get a few things and we talked a little tiny bit. This is the right thing I am sure of it. It's just hard for them and me. I haven't been upset in front of them at all. I have been strong as I can be, atleast in front of them.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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I wonder if the kids think you are hiding something because you are being strong? Kids will think the weirdest things to explain why their lives are different.
Maybe the next time they ask, just let it out and cry in front of them. Tell them you are just as lost about all of this as they are. You don't know why he doesn't want to be with you all. He just decided to do something else and you are extremely worried about the way this is hurting them. Also as you are having a baby brother or sister for them, this is worrying you as well because of the stress and sadness you feel.
This may (and I suspect will) make the kids bond together with you and not feel so isolated. You are telling them how you feel and how you are there for them. Yes, you get sad just like them. But you cry a little and then get on with l;ife. You could make a list with the kids of things that will not change. Winter and the baby will come, everyone has to use the toilet, you STILL have to brush your teeth, you still have to eat food, yes even homework has to be done with or without their dad around. Grass grows, birds fly, garbage smells and needs to be taken out, everyone will continue to grow and need new clothes.
Let them see the normal things that will carry on. And let them see you hurt as much as them, I think it will bind them together because I cannot count the amount of times my son put me to bed because I was a weeping mess on the floor in the kitchen and he was 15 years old. OK it was only about 4-5 times. But the kids saw me sad and hurting. My son would bring me a cup of coffee and my favourite book and said he would prepare dinner with my older daughter. They would come and get me when dinner was ready. Then I would be OK and eat dinner and be the mother they loved and needed and be OK for another few weeks and then I was OK forever.
Just an idea. I think your kids feel quite isolated right now and need to feel as though they are part of a family again. Not a broken family but a new family.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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LSutton, As usual, you have been given some excellent advice. Including your older kids in some of what is going on is fair to them and fair to you. You should not bear the burden of their father's choice to leave the family, at least the kids should not be blaming you for all the changes.
They can be told that you didn't want this either and that you don't understand why things are the way they are. Try to be as calm as possible but you are human and for them to know you're hurting too is not a bad thing. A cry together may actually help you all.
(Even older kids than yours don't really feel able to ask the "leaving" parent the tough questions. I think there is a sense of fear for what they might hear back and also a sense of resignation that they were let down and have lost some trust/respect for that parent.)
You are the parent they feel is still there for them and the one they can let it all out to. Not the easiest thing for you, but know that you are their rock right now, which is a good thing. They still trust you and feel protected by you.
Keep up the communication here and hang in there at home. You don't have to be strong all the time!
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I also think it may help your kids if they know you are hurting also. This can be done without putting down your STBX. Our son was 23 when EX left... had been out on his own for 2 years. SOme think it is easier on kids who are adults when parents divorce. I disagree with that. They hurt just as much, just from a different aspect. After all, their family has disintegrated, same as when kids are younger.
WIth adult kids, they also look to the future of what they thought their family would be. One of the first things my son said to me was along these lines. Told me he had always pictured it that when he had a family, they would be coming to visit us, same as we did with his grandparents... now not possible.
Often adult kids will ask the parents the tough questions. In my case, son was as shocked as I was. He asked EX why he was leaving, and why he had refused to to for counselingm, why he would not work on the problems. The only response he got (still same to this day) from EX was that he had just decided he would never be unhappy again. Every attempt our son has made to discuss it with EX has failed as EX just changes the subject.
It also hurts adult kids with a parent (usually the leaver) introduces their OW /OM into their life too soon. That also happened to my son. 4 years later and he still does like OW and sometimes just wants to see his Dad without her there. It never happens. This has to be harder for younger kids to deal with. For my EX, the result is that he does not see his son very often.
Patrice said it well. Your kids know you are there for them, they can depend on you, you did not leave them. Perhaps is just the difference in men and women... but I do not understand how men that leave and have OW often do not put their children first in their lives. The kids are going through a very traumatic experience . By having OW be the main focus of their lives now (or if appears that way to the kids) it sends a message to the kids... and that is that they are the low priority . Sad postition many kids of divorce find themselves in.
LS... you don't have to always be strong in front of the kids, it won't hurt them to know that you are sad and hurting. Just be careful in how you do so. Kids don't need to know all the details. Just tell them the 2 incomes now support 2 households instead of one and that may mean belt tightening on expenditures for all of you. Be careful that they do not overhear conversations you have with friends and family. When I was with family or friends and my son was there... if the conversation went to the divorce, I just said we could discuss that later. Big pitchers can also have big ears. As my son was older and out of the home... my phone conversations and when family and friends over could be done freely... but I was very mindful of conversations when he was around. Kids should not know the down and dirty details.
Other than major illness or death of a child... this may well be the most difficult emotional time of your life and is not easy by any stretch. I found being angry easier to deal with than being sad...and my EX gave me a lot of ammunition when it came to something to be angry over. You don't want to get stuck at angry butfor me it worked for short term.
I tried to focus on the fact that one day all of the legalities of divorce would be over, and the direction of my life would then be under my control, used the time to focus on deciding what parts of me I did not care for, and changing those parts. Did a lot of soul searching on things I could have done better and accepting responsibility for that.
One day this period of your life will be over, just a very unpleasant memory (not good but better than when living it) and who knows what the future may hold?
Hang in there girl... you have a lot of folks here in your corner.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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