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Reged: 07/26/06
Posts: 2
New here- Need advice
      #130006 - 07/26/06 08:37 AM

I am new to this board and I am looking for help. I could really use a friend and some advice. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children. We are currently separated and I need help moving forward with what I know I need to do. My husband had an affair with our neighbor/friend. He has left me twice for her ( lasting about 3-4 days) and then he has come back to me. We have talked about the affair and he always says it is over. But it was never truly over. We moved out of the neighborhood but that did not help either. I have moved out of state with my children ( in with parents so I can have help with the children while I finish my college education). Anyways, I have proof that his affair is still going on. He says that he wants to work things out with me but I can't seem to stand up for myself enough to say- THATS IT!!! I think I am holding on to our marriage because I do not want him to go to her. I don't want him to make a life with her. What if he has a great life with her and changes into this wonderful man? The thought of him being with her makes me feel so bad. I do not want her around my children. That sickens me. I can not seem to move on from these feelings. I can not seem to say "I want a divorce". Instead I seem to be content in being lied to, manipulated and taken advantage of. Why is this? I need to learn how to move on. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I really need it. Thanks

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Reged: 02/22/06
Posts: 175
Re: New here- Need advice [Re: Dawngr]
      #130023 - 07/26/06 09:06 AM

Dawn, you will not be less a woman if he ends up with her. That is not a reflection on you, and it doesn't make you a bad wife or mother. What it does make you is a woman who enables his cheating. He knows he can keep doing it because you will keep taking it. He is counting on you to take him back, meanwhile he is free to continue cheating on you. And you are letting him do it. He needs to know that you value yourself too much to stay with him under those circumstances. Right now, he knows that you don't because you keep giving him "one more chance." When he does it again, he can con you into yet another chance. Cheating spouses generally don't stop cheating. Sure, they may stop for awhile, but usually they end up doing it again, as your husband has already proven, and even after moving away from her neighborhood, he still found a way to be with her.

If you are staying with him because you need to validate the fact that you are better than the "other woman," DON'T. He is probably enjoying the fact that the 2 of you are competing for his love and affection. In essence, you and the other woman are fighting to prove who is more worthy of his love. Let her have him, you deserve better. Besides, if the fact that he cheated isn't enough, what is? Do you need him to bring home a STD from his affairs before you decide he isn't worth it? Please, for your own good, do not allow this man to talk you into another chance. If you do, then make him jump through hoops and prove himself first.

Also, if he ends up with her, it will only be a matter of time before he cheats on her, too. What makes her so special? She is new and exciting for him, but guess what, new and exciting wears off after awhile, and he will go look for the next best thing again, and she will know how it felt to be you. What goes around comes around. They will both pay a price in the end. Good luck.

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Reged: 07/16/06
Posts: 29
Loc: Indiana
Re: New here- Need advice [Re: Dawngr]
      #130043 - 07/26/06 10:03 AM

I agree with everything Angiekay said.You know, the fact that you have already moved away to live with your parents is an excellent start. You are finishing your education to provide a better life for YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN. It sounds to me like you are a very smart and strong woman who knows what she needs to do for her family now. Dad is being a horrible role model for those children. It would be better for them to see the two of you apart than to have him play family man one day and gigilo the next. It had to be very confusing to them. You know ever since I was in highschool I swore to myself that I would never fight for any man when it came to another woman. I guess I figured if I had to fight for him he was unsure whether he really wanted me or not. You're on the right track, keep it up!!!

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Reged: 07/26/06
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Re: New here- Need advice [Re: das555]
      #130099 - 07/26/06 02:00 PM

Thank you both for great advice. I know what I need to do its just getting there that is hard. I guess because it is so final. But you are both so right. I am just afraid of being alone. And I have to get over the other woman. That has been the biggest obstacle for me. You are both great thanks. I need all the support I can get now a days.

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Reged: 02/22/06
Posts: 175
Re: New here- Need advice [Re: Dawngr]
      #130195 - 07/26/06 08:21 PM

Just take it one day at a time. I guarantee that the hurt will fade, and your confidence in yourself will be restored the longer you are away from him. And your children need to know that you have self-respect and dignity. If you have a daughter, imagine how you would feel if someone treated her that way, and GET MAD! Don't try to get even, because that will result in lowering yourself to his level. My Dad once told me that a man who cheats has no honor. I have been raised to believe that I do not need dishonorable people in my life, and believe me, you DON'T need this man. Best wishes, and hang in there!

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Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
Re: New here- Need advice [Re: AngiKay]
      #137280 - 08/17/06 10:35 AM

It isn't fair to you because you didn't choose this path. It is always worse whan a choice feels forced, like I'm not in control. I'm sorry, I wish I could say something more, but sometimes men are just assholes. I don't know if it's ignorance, selfishness, or a general disregard for the feelings and lives of others, but it pisses me off. Men like your husband give men a bad rep.

Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

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Reged: 08/30/06
Posts: 12
Re: New here- Need advice [Re: I_am_Jack]
      #144409 - 09/08/06 12:16 PM

I agree with what has been said. My only concern is that if you still want to give the marriage a chance, you should talk to a professional asap. Your parents are probably wonderful, but they are not 'un'involved and you need a 3rd party to help you decide what you really want and how to get it. You can overcome infidelity, if you feel the marriage is worth saving. I got some amazing info off the website and I am sure there are lots of other places where you could get help. If you want to try keep your family together, I say go for it.

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