mac2
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/06
Posts: 1
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First time doing anything like this. My wife of 20 years has told me that she doesn't love me anymore and that she wants a divorce. We have had our problems, but I never saw this coming. I was devastated. She doesn't want counseling, she wants to move on, she says she's unhappy & wants a better life. She has not told me when or what event(s) triggered her decision. I am at a tremendous loss.
I'm 41 and she is 47. We have two boys ages 16 & 18. She was my first love & I always thought we would grow old together. I have also come to find out from my mother that my wife informed my mother a couple years ago that she had a "5" year plan; that when our youngest reached 18, she was going to divorce me. I confronted her on this and she admitted to it. I'm a little bewildered at why my mother did not tell me, but that's water under the bridge now.
She told me about wanting divorce about three weeks ago. Since then, we have'nt talked about it much. I tried once but she didn't want to talk about it & I didn't want to pressure her. We are living in the same house with our kids, acting as if nothing has happened. When she said this to me, I began sleeping on the couch. Since then, she approached me and said I can sleep in our bed, together (no sex). I have also asked her when will this divorce begin, to which she says she wants to fix up the house first, with no time frame given to me. She has not spoken to a lawyer and has not told me when this divorce is going to happen. I am in a state of limbo. I still love her & living with her like this is nearly unbearable. Though inside I'm a wreck, I put on a good front and act happy & normal for my kids, while giving my wife space and not pressuring her. I have talked to my boys and reassured them that though mom and dad may cease being husband and wife, that we will never stop being their mother and father and that we'll never stop loving them. I reassure them everyday, though my wife seems to be somewhat distant and hasn't discussed anything with the boys.
But after three weeks its almost unbearable. I have never been in a place like this in all my life. I never knew such a place of loneliness, pain, confusion, guilt, and numbness existed... and I'm there.
We both work for the same employer (me 21 years, her 27 years), we see each other at work. I try to avoid her, but it's hard. Just before this happened, I had just received a new position making more money and alot more opportunity for upward movement. I was so excited & motivated to do the best I can. Then, just after a week, my wife drops the bomb on me. I now find myself unable to focus, I feel hopelessly unmotivated though I try very hard to look at the good, but find myself unsuccesful.
I have thought alot about our recent past. I did take her for granted, but we both did. I want so bad to make this work and thought after 21 years of knowing each other, at least one shot at counseling would be warranted. No dice with her.
I have so many fond memories of my wife, 21 years worth. Right now I can't bear the thought of life without her, she's all I have known. I know time will help me get through this, but the unknown is unbearably frightening. I at the very least want to discuss with her what's going to take place (ie. kids living arrangements, selling house, etc), when is this going to happen and how are we going to accomplish it.
I guess Im in need to tell somebody and hope for any advice. Has anybody been through similar or have any clue as to what is going on or suggestions on how to deal with this. If I am redundant or kind of all over the place, I apologize, so many emotions that I've never experienced our flowing through my sould right now. This is really tough. Thank you for reading.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. Being told by your spouse after many years of marriage that they dont love you anymore is very traumatic. Most of us that come here have had this happen. I was married for almost 30 yrs and my X told me that too.
How you determine what to do will make all the difference. Its tough and its good that you are making it easy on your kids. I hate to say it but most times when the spouse who wants out wants out thats it and there is nothing you can do except take them at their word and work really hard at moving on.
Protect yourself business wise and emotionally. Two issues, a breakup of a marriage is emotional breakup and then the splitting of the assets...hard to separate the two but you will need to do it. I would plan for the worst but hope for the best.
Seek out some free legal counsel and know your rights be knowledgeable about what your rights are...know what your assets are and plan like this "is" going to happen. Many of us go in denial and it prolongs the agony, waiting it out will just make it harder for you.
Everyone handles it differently, you have come to a good place to get support and great advice. From my own experience, I hung on way too long thinking he would change his mind but based on what I have learned here they don't...the sooner you can work to accept it the faster you can recover....get counseling, make sure your kids are okay, join a support group, local churches have divorce care series which are very helpful...get self help books from library...divorce is awful, hurtful but we can get through it. Most of all make sure the kids are okay...they may need counseling....
and good luck to you.
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mtdew
member
Reged: 07/08/06
Posts: 133
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I think you should do a trial separation. Let her see what it's like to be apart. She probably doesn't grasp the reality of divorce. This will speed things up in one direction or the other. Either she'll change her mind or she won't. If she doesn't then you have a head start on healing. As long as you live in the same house and she offers hope (you can move back to the bed), you'll be in limbo and only prolong your pain.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Start thinking of her as you Soon To Be Ex...STBX on this board.
You need to start thinking about the legal aspects of divorce,
For example, was she a Stay At Home Mom for some years ?
Who makes more dough ? If she is this cold and calculating, she probably knows the answers to these questions, and they will dramatically increase your pain. Get over being lonely, your marriage has been a sham for 5+ years, you need to accept that.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Don't do anything in terms of moving OUT of the house, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. A person like this can file a restraining order, and it will be granted IMMEDIATELY. This will really put her in a great legal position to strip you of all your money, and you'll RARELY see your kids...
Read this board if you don't believe me, it happens EVERY DAY.
At this point it is assumed YOU did something to screw up the marriage, and YOU could be facing real financial consequences for being guilty of splitting up the family. SO STAY INVOLVED WITH THE KIDS AND LEAVE HER ALONE, PERIOD.
Treat her like she is a white cop with the smokey bear hat who pulled you over, and you are black and have a car full of smuggled drugs.
I'd give some thought to your relationship with your mom, also...I wouldn't say she is your enemy at this point, but she certainly is on your wife's side of this soon to be arguement.
You really need to get angry and STOP BLUBBERING about what is gone, OR you will end up living in a crummy apartment and handing her a large check every month for the rest of your life !!
Maybe when you find out how much money your STBX feels that YOU OWE her for the marriage, you will get more spine...Ever thought about that ? I suspect she wants a LOT of money, do you have it to give her ? Think of every time you had sex with her, and multiply each incident by what a really high class vegas hooker would charge...then you'll get an idea of what you OWE...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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You were married to a hooker!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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And Angery apparently knows market price!!
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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This IS the right board for mourning a loss. When he wants to learn how to play cut throat he'll move to another board. Unltil then those of us who are not "Newbies" will offer all the support and advice we can without playing hardball. The split up of a relationship causes enough pain and anger without adding to it. This particular forum helps deal with the emotional side.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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CaymanCanuck
enthusiast
Reged: 08/11/06
Posts: 242
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Undoubtedly the only way he can get any action.
Unless of course he's gay. In which case he must mean MALE Vegas hookers because I'm sure no self-respecting gay guy would have anything to do with him either.
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**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Hi Mac
I'm so sorry that you ended up here. But if you have to go through a divorce this is the place to be.
I went through hell and back only to return to sanity with the help of everyone on here. This will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to go through and it's not easy in the beginning. You'll ride a rollercoaster of emotions but you will survive!!! You'll come out of this a stronger person. There is life after divorce believe it or not.
Being married as long as you have been, you feel like you lost your whole world...everything that you have ever known or lived is gone...that's not the case, it just feels that way now.
It is ok to mourn the death of a marriage. I have to disagree with "yregna", the best way to start moving forward is to live apart. As long as the two of you are together you can't move on and it will be really hard on you. I didn't believe that in the beginning...but it's true...I thought "weaning" myself out of my ex's life was making it easy for me but in the long run it only held me in limbo. The really tough part for you is the fact you two work together and have to see each other on a daily basis. I believe I speak for a lot of us when I say that going to work and shifting the concentration to a different area certainly helped.
As others have said, you do need to protect your assets but that comes down the road when you hit the divorce stage. Whether you live in the house or not doesn't mean you will lose it.
I feel for you and I hate seeing anyone go through this. To me it is such an unfair heartbreak but it seems to be a way of life today...marriage then divorce......
Big hugs to you!!!! You will survive!!! It takes "time" (theres a word I have learned to hate)
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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