mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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There are a lot of new folks here and you probably don't know all that's happened. I'll give you a rundown. Hubby and I were in the process of pursuing custody, but he changed his mind after BM threw herself a pity party. I have a file cabinet full of things that could be used against her in court. Police reports, CPS reports, school reports, signed statements from HER parents about neglect, and the list goes on and on.
I have been trying to step back and accept my hubby's decision not to pursue custody, but it's not working so well. These girls are being neglected. Maybe not beaten, but definately neglected. Why in the hell can I not do something about it?????
Yes. I am attached to them. Yes. I do consider them my own. Maybe I am overstepping the line, but who cares? I love them and can provide a better home. At this point, I think foster care would be a better situation then the one they currently live in.
Okay, so I have issues. There are far more worse "issues" than loving children that I have been raising since they were both in diapers. Hubby wants me to back off. I wouldn't have to "back off" if BOTH of them hadn't placed me in the position to act like I was their mother.
I have a bond with the girls. I feel like I should be able to initiate custody without his signature on the dotted line.
Guess it's obvious that I'm a little stressed right now. Sorry you had to listen to it, but I feel so much better...
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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"Why in the hell can I not do something about it?????"
Because you have no legal standing to do anything. any rights that you do have, which are limited, run through your spouse. If he will not act in a legal sense, you certainly cannot.
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Moi
old hand
Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
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You can do something. You just need to choose the value of protecting the kids versus your value of protecting your marriage.
You can call CPS if they are truly being neglected or abused. You additionally can, in your reports, point out the fact that the father is well aware of the abuse and does nothing which makes him just as abusive as the mother.
The question is: Is it truly abuse or neglect? Or do you just see it that way? If it truly IS, I'm sorry, but your husband is just as guilty as his ex.
There is a fine line sometimes between CPS level issues and differences in parenting styles.
I know you want to back off and disengage and my heart goes out to you for how difficult that can be because you love these children. But are they TRULY neglected and abused or just borderline? If it is TRUE neglect, I guess it comes down to who you love more, the little girls or your husband.
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Every storm cloud has a silver lining. Will you capitalize on it or b*tch about the storm?
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Dee78
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11820
Loc: TN
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I agree with Moi. If the children are truly being neglected, your DH is just as wrong for allowing it to happen.
You said that there are CPS reports, what came of them?
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YahYah
old hand
Reged: 06/16/04
Posts: 1081
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venting that.
I feel your frustration and hope that your husband decides to make the right decision for his kids, whatever it may be, and I hope you'll have the strength to stand beside him no matter what, but to also do the right thing for your stepkids because it sure sounds like they need SOMEONE looking out for their best interests.
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Take the scenic route. Live without regret.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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I truly wish I was just being hysterical when I say they are neglected, but I'm not. And yes, I think he is every bit as guilty as she is for letting it continue. It's the source of our marital tension right now. He agrees that she is useless, but doesn't see his inaction makes him equally as useless. At this point, if I were to choose between him or his girls...they would win. Hands down!! I see a picture of them a few years down the road and it's not pretty. They will be just like mama. The girls (7,10) can barely count, but you can bet they know what charity has the best food on what day of the week. We talked about their futures over the weekend and what they wanted to be when they grew up. The youngest wants to be a nurse like me (how cute???). The oldest? She wants to have a babies so she doesn't have to work. I swear, true story. Asked what kind of a man she wanted to marry. She said, mommy's not married and she has four babies. She doesn't have to work!
I'm getting away from your point. Are you telling me that there is a chance that I CAN do something without my husband?
Another poster asked about what came of the CPS report. Findings=substantiated. BM had to attend anger management, parenting classes, and NA for a period of time. She got a slap on the wrist, completed the classes (alotta good those did), and retained full custody of the girls.
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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You should write a letter to DH with pretty much what you just stated here. I think that should get his attention. Sometimes people need to see it in black and white. Good Luck with the kids, you seem to be their best shot at life, don't give up.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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As a custodial SM I do feel your pain, and love my SS as my own. However, I am afraid that allowing steps legal rights would open a new can of worms. Family courts are screwed up enough as it is, I can't imagine throwing a new wrench into the mix.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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I can totally relate to and understand your frustration...BTDT with younger SS and DH. I had to wait till DH felt it was right to broach the custody issue and in the meantime, SS was being left to his own devices and was very vulnerable to going down the wrong path.
I had to focus on my marriage and getting on the same page as DH. I would suggest counseling for you guys...you need to be able to talk with him and get this issue decided between the two of you. Maybe a counselor could give some weight to your concerns and open DH's eyes!
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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Why did your husband stop pursuing custody? What did the BM actually do?
I feel for you. I was in your position. Even with a clear cut case of neglect, it will not be easy to get custody.
My quick story, my husband was the NCP of 2 boys for about 10 years. He had many concerns over the years but when he talked to different lawyers they said there was nothing he could do. He was also being pushed out of his boys lives. He was involved as much as he could. No one would help him even when visitation was refused because his CO read "reasionable visitation" but had a min but he didn't even get the min.
When the oldeer one turned 16 yo, he said he was dropping out of school. My husband was very upset. He made some phone calls and found out that the child wasn't in school for a year. He called more lawyers but each one said there wasn;t anything he could do. he felt defeated.
I talked to a different lawyer about a problem that I had. After the meeting I mentioned my husband's problem. That lawyer was shocked but couldn't help but gave me a name of someone who could. I gave the name to my husband but he felt defeated and didn't call. Imagine our surprise when that lawyer called him.
Trying to shorten this up, my husband hired that lawyer. The emergency change of custody was filed for educational neglect. A year of hell followed. My husband had to change the motion to include only the younger child who was 11. he was told by the court psych evulator to drop the now 17 yo from the case otherwise he would lose. It was a difficult decision. The trial was lasted about 4 days. Than the wait for the decision.
I am now the CSM of my now 12 yo SS. The now 18 yo is estranged from his Dad. We are coming up on the 1 year anniv of SS moving in with us.
Even with a clear cut case of neglect, it was difficult and long. Try to find out WHY he won't pursue custody. It may be too emotional and he may not want to put the kids in the middle. At least that is what I'm assuming the BM pity party was about.
In saving the future of one of his children my husband no longer has contact with his oldest son. The cost of a custody case was not only finacial but emotional also. My husband received calls from his sons saying how much they hated him.
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