Myranda
recently joined
Reged: 09/30/06
Posts: 3
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I am 7.5 months pregnant with our first child and have been married for less than a year (anniversary is in 2 weeks.) I would like to file for divorce but I have a few problems.
1. I am unemployed and have no way to pay for a divorce
2. I do not wish to remain in the state and would need to move in with my parents down south immediately, but know he would fight this
3. I would have no medical insurance for myself or the baby
4. He has threatened he would quit his job the day he gets papers and then I'd not be able to go after him for insurance or any sort of support because he too would be unemployed.
5. I have asked him to leave but he said he's not going anywhere. I told him I'd call the police and he threatened me and said it'd be the last thing I do.
I had a stressful job and he told me it was okay to quit back in March. When I did, we got pregnant within days. Unfortunately it's been a rough pregnancy and I've had mutliple illnesses and problems. The medical bills have piled up! I haven't been able to find another "online" job, and no one will hire me now that I'm shortly due! I have NO access to any of the finances... he has all his accounts in his name only and I have to BEG for a measley allowance just to fill my prescriptions and stuff. He refuses to pay my mortgage now (which I was able to pay out of my savings until this month but now I am BEYOND broke and can't pay anything.) He also refused to pay some other bills and they ruined my credit because they went to collections. Now he said he doesn't care if they come foreclose on my condo (which is in my name only, and his home in MA is in his name only.) He also said he's not going to pay the electric because I've been running the A/C during the colder weather (because I have allergies and asthma and can't medicate for them while pregnant!)
I don't want my unborn child to be in his life at all - he is a very nasty and negative person and I thought the baby would help him ease up a bit and become more patient and kind but so far he's getting worse and I am fearful that my child will turn out like the rest of his low-life family with no respect for me, or anyone else. He has threatened to hit me while pregnant, but he never actually has. He comes from an abusive family.
I am continuously told I'm lazy and fat and that if I don't get a job, then my bills won't get paid. I'm not allowed to buy new maternity clothes unless he "approves" them at Kohl's but I am a plus size and nothing fits me there. I've been wearing the same pair of pants the entire pregnancy and they're not going to work for the cooler weather. But yet he has no problem booking us elaborate vacations or paying for a timeshare in Florida which I don't think we can afford and tell him I don't want.
I am desparate and feel that divorce is the only option but I feel very "stuck" in this situation because he has all of the POWER. I also fear that because I don't have any income, he'll be able to take my child away from me when it's born. His family are all very unstable and I fear my child would end up with one of them while he works... it would be an awful situation and I can't let that happen - so most of the time I just grin and bear all the verbal and emotional abuse for the sake of my child having a better chance with me around.
Any ideas?
Edited by Myranda (09/30/06 01:55 PM)
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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You probably won't like most of these answers but here goes.
1. I am unemployed and have no way to pay for a divorce
--------> you cannot get a divorce while you are pregnant. Once you have delivered the baby, you will need to get a job in order to support the child if you want a divorce.
2. I do not wish to remain in the state and would need to move in with my parents down south immediately, but know he would fight this
----------> YOU can move anywhere you want... he can fight the baby moving and the baby more than likely will stay right where it's at. With him.
3. I would have no medical insurance for myself or the baby
-----------> You will have to find a job that offers you medical insurance for yourself and the baby. He will be responsible for part of the baby's premium and uncovered expenses.
4. He has threatened he would quit his job the day he gets papers and then I'd not be able to go after him for insurance or any sort of support because he too would be unemployed.
-----------> He will still be ordered to support his child whether or not he has a job. He will cut his nose off to spite his face if he becomes voluntarily unemployed. He WILL be ordered to pay support.
5. I have asked him to leave but he said he's not going anywhere. I told him I'd call the police and he threatened me and said it'd be the last thing I do.
-------------> He doesn't HAVE to leave (in fact, it would be a serious mistake FOR him to. If you don't want to be with him, YOU will need to leave. I wouldn't suggest that either. The police will not do anything unless there is a court order telling them what to do. If there is violence, I would suggest calling 911. Otherwise, you two will need to put up with each other.
Your baby will be in his life unless he chooses not to. There is nothing you can do about this. YOU chose to have a child with this man. If he is as bad as you say he is, then why were you with him in the first place and why in the world did you get pregnant?
To be honest.. you are stuck at the moment. But if you are smart, you will be making plans to get out of the situation after the baby is born. But you have to realize, you cannot cut him out of the baby's life if he chooses to be in it. No judge in this country is going to let you do that.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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1. I am unemployed and have no way to pay for a divorce
---> Then I guess you'll have to wait until you can, not to mention that you wouldn't be able to get one anyway until AFTER the baby is born.
2. I do not wish to remain in the state and would need to move in with my parents down south immediately, but know he would fight this
---> And he has every right to keep you from removing the unborn child from the state and every right to keep your from remivng the child after it is born.
3. I would have no medical insurance for myself or the baby
---> Actually, the insurance be effective until AFTER the divorce is final for you and he would be ordered to keep insurance for the child.
4. He has threatened he would quit his job the day he gets papers and then I'd not be able to go after him for insurance or any sort of support because he too would be unemployed.
---> Voluntary unemployment will NOT keep the courts from ordering EITHER of you to be financially responsible.
5. I have asked him to leave but he said he's not going anywhere. I told him I'd call the police and he threatened me and said it'd be the last thing I do.
---> It's his home TOO, so why should HE have to leave just because YOU no longer wish to be married? Calling the police won't do you any good...they will just tell you it is a "civil matter" and to go to court. As for the "threats"...what did you expect? That he wouldn't get angry that you're not only throwing him out, but that you want to take HIS child away from him?!? People say a LOT of things when they are angry. And if you're thinking about filing false allegations of abuse, I would be VERY careful because you could end up losing everything.
I don't want my unborn child to be in his life at all with no respect for me, or anyone else.
---> I hate to burst your bubble, but it's HIS child too and you're NOT going to have any choice in the matter.
he is a very nasty and negative person and I thought the baby would help him ease up a bit and become more patient and kind but so far he's getting worse and I am fearful that my child will turn out like the rest of his low-life family
---> Man...that says a LOT about the kind of person YOU are, marrying some inot some "low-life" family.
---> As for the rest...and your story as a whole...man, so many contradictions that I smell a troll in the making.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Wow... I feel special. We almost had the same exact post! lol
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
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Myranda,
Take the advice of the above. I know hindsight is 20/20 and you now wish you weren't in this situation but you are. Stay where you are for now. Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried speaking to your clergy? It may at least help with things until you are financially able to consider divorce.
Unless he has some major DOCUMENTED issues, he is going to get some sort of visitation. You need to prepare for this.
If he hits you call the police and press charges. It sounds like right now he is all talk.
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Myranda
recently joined
Reged: 09/30/06
Posts: 3
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[quote]Man...that says a LOT about the kind of person YOU are, marrying some inot some "low-life" family.
As for the rest...and your story as a whole...man, so many contradictions that I smell a troll in the making.[/quote]
I came here for support, and instead I walk away with insults. I thought this forum was for people to get advice, not bashings.
Yes, I made a mistake by marrying him, but is it necessary to rub that in my face at a time when I'm looking to improve my situation?
Thanks a lot.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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Try to improve your situation without making it worse for your child. You've listed off the things that YOU want to do that would make things better for you. Things that are better for you are NOT necessarily better for your child. Going through with a divorce is certainly an option, but you will lose your child for part of the time to him. You will have to stay near him, because your child needs to feel loved and wanted by BOTH parents. One is not the same, a stepparent is not the same. It will be next impossible for your child to have a meaningful relationship with its father if you move away. And no matter how terrible you may think he is, he is still "Dad." So start worrying about how you are going to preserve that relationship if you divorce and how you are going to coparent with him. Those are the kind of questions that people WANT to help you with. They do NOT want to help you figure out a way to move your child away from its father.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Myranda
recently joined
Reged: 09/30/06
Posts: 3
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[quote]Myranda,
Take the advice of the above. I know hindsight is 20/20 and you now wish you weren't in this situation but you are. Stay where you are for now. Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you tried speaking to your clergy? It may at least help with things until you are financially able to consider divorce.
Unless he has some major DOCUMENTED issues, he is going to get some sort of visitation. You need to prepare for this.
If he hits you call the police and press charges. It sounds like right now he is all talk. [/quote]
He is just all talk, and sometimes a hand in the air... but I doubt he'd actually hit. But the fact that he threatens to, worries me.
As far as counseling, he WON'T go. I have asked him several times and he said it would just be a session of "ganging up" on him. He freaked when I told him I might go talk to our priest. Because his parents just went through a nasty divorce, he's already embarassed, and in his small home-town, you don;t air your dirty laundry - not even to a priest.
As far as my child not being able to leave this state, this isn't the state we were married in, and this isn't my husband's "home" state. As far as the world knows, (driver's license, vehicle registrations, mortgage,) he doesn't even live here... so the court making me stay HERE wouldn't make much sense, since he won't even be here if we divorce. But... would the court make me move to HIS state? I can't afford to live up North anymore. I need to go somewhere where a single mom can AFFORD to live without struggling.
I'm not trying to keep him from visitation... I understand that it's his child too. And I wouldn't keep my child from knowing his Father. I just don't want my child to LIVE with him.
And as far as other posts concerning him leaving MY home... we were not married in a community property state - what was MINE before the marriage will remain mine. And MY condo is our current home. But if I choose to sell it to pay for my divorce, or if I decide I don't want him here anymore, that should be my right. This is MY home. And no portion of it would ever be his, since he hasn't made a single payment on it.
Edited by Myranda (10/02/06 08:18 AM)
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I hate to burst your bubble, but that isn't how divorce works.
You will divorce wherever you have been living (regardless of what your voter registration says, or driver's license says, what state you married in etc.) i.e. sleeping for the last 6 months. And he can ask that you be forced to stay in the community you divorce in as long as he stays there - not just the state.
If you don't live in a community property state, then he will still be entitled to half of the appreciation on the condo during your marriage. (If you were in a community property state he would get half period). It doesn't matter who paid on it. Given the short duration of the marriage it may not be much, depending on how property values have been.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Doesn't matter where you got married or own property, only where your divorce is filed.
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