bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Hi all! Hope all the old timers from the Recovery Board have found their way here -- don't see everybody's name yet, though. Have some issues that could really use your thoughts and advice (not that I am known to take it, but could really use it today). Today is about a 1 on a scale of 1-10. Had to speak with my ex-husband yesterday. Lots and lots of financial problems (largely due to my not confronting issues months ago when they all first arose -- the ostrich in the sand -- that is who I have become now) and when I spoke to him, it was like it always was (surprise, surprise). Instead of just telling me the truth (whatever that may be), somehow he turned everything around and it was my fault -- once again. As often as I tried to go back to the original issue and his part in it, he kept revolving it around my failure to agree with what he is doing. Ultimately, he hung up the phone on me. I spent the rest of the day and last night so incredibly depressed and I wonder why I mourn the demise of our marriage so very much. There was not a word of consideration, of trying to work things out or of taking any kind of responsibility for what he originally promised -- even in a court of law. In the meantime, my credit has been destroyed (partly his fault, mostly my own for my lack of iniatitive and basically, lack of ability to act in my own behalf these days) and I'm overwhelmed by it all. I've asked my kids for help but it does not seem to be forthcoming (they take me as un-seriously (not a word, I know) as their father does, apparently. I really don't know what to do and above all else, I feel like a complete fool in so many ways this morning. When is it that the light bulb comes on and you realize that the person you were married to was not the person you created in your mind? And, when does one realize that you really are in this world alone to a great extent and that to survive you need to be strong -- not just some of the time (which I was for 30+ years) but all of the time? Oh, well, just musings from a very overburdened mind this morning. Thanks for listening. Take care everyone, bacall
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Don't know when the inertia ends for everyone else, but for me it does when I get a good night's sleep and have a plan of action. Until I have that plan of action, though, I muddle along.
If your credit is under attack, make an appointment with a credit counseling service. They'll help set up a payment plan with your creditors that you can manage. It will also show your creditors that you are serious about paying back the money. That's one plan of action, and you can make that appointment today!
You'll feel better for having taken the step, albeit a small one.
Edited by NancyD (06/10/05 04:24 PM)
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ginni
addict
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 478
Loc: second star to the right and s...
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I agree with Nancy, Bacall. The first step to any solution is deciding what action to take. Find the small things. Seeing progress encourages us to keep going. Find things you know you can do. Make lists...check them off...reward yourself...and for heaven's sake...stop talking to yourself like you are a child. You have a keen gift of talking ugly to yourself. A friend of mine calls it, "Stinkin' Thinkin'." You are better than this. Everyone makes mistakes. GO FOR IT!
We're with you all the way.
Love always,
ginni
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Mommie? I love you more than bacon. AYL-01/20/2006
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gari1
recently joined
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 14
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Hi Bacall,
You need to stop beating yourself up. And for heavens sake, quit believing that your X is going to do the responsible thing. It ain't gonna happen.
I was whining about my X not being responsible once when a friend stopped and said to me "why in the world would you expect him to be responsible for anything. He NEVER has been responsible." That comment stopped me dead in my tracks and really made me think. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, came up with a plan of action and stuck to it, made sure everything was in place legally to *help* him be responsible, held my head high and moved forward....one baby step at a time. I learned to ask for help (very hard for me to do)when I needed it. I also learned not to put myself in a position where the X could project HIS inadequacies on to me which always put me in a funk. You need to do the same.
You CAN do this Bacall. He is not worth all the angst you are putting yourself through. Head up now. Eyes forward. No more contact with the X. Made that appointment with the financial counselor yet?
Hugs,
Gari
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LisaMrie
recently joined
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 4
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In answer to your question; "WHEN>>>?"
Well, for people like you, who seem to live in fantasyland and not in reality, (for some reason), it is when you hit rock bottom. YOu need to accept the fact that you are no longer married with children. You are a single woman who IS capable of making a life of her own. Noone needs to do this alone. You need to be resourceful. Use your support systems; friends, and whatever it takes. But, until you really DECIDE that you've had enough pain, you will continue to pine in your state of "victimhood". It's ok. Some people need to go through more pain to finally reach the point of ACCEPTANCE. Maybe a course in Silva Mind Control would benefit you. You seem to think negatively. Once you change your thinking your whole life will change. Maybe journaling and reading what you write might help. You need help. Find a support group with people going through what you are experiencing; Divorce, new singlehood, empty nesting, etc. Sometimes friends cannot understand because they haven't walked in your shoes.
Well, thats what you need to do and I think that you are smart enough to know this, only you aren't ready. You might need to live in fantasyland longer. When you are ready, you will get into survival mode and survive.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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The fact that he hung up on you indicates where his emotional level is...yes we all do it but why do we let ourselves get there? I have done it myself but once done realize how I lost it...Bacall, what you are going through is normal...most of your life evolved around family. To just walk away without a backward glance is very difficult if not impossible. As I have posted before, it takes time, it took me almost 5 yrs and I still have fleeting moments but fortunately not so many anymore. Focus on what you have and you have much, remember I met you and you are an interesting wonderful person and live in an area that can provide so much. Now I know you are busy with all your interests but do thinks you like, for you. Eventually you will come out ahead, as I read the other day, look forward not back. It took me a very long time to reframe myself without frame of spouse and family...I have made new friends, and have a few small interests...baby steps sometimes to take a line from the movie what about Bob.
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mlh53
member
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
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Hi bacall,
Just wrote you a long reply and when I went to post the board said I was logged off. So I logged on again and the reply was lost and I couldn't find it. Sorry! I'll have to write again some other time. But I did want you to know I replied and am thinking of you.
Melanie
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Take the EX our of the equation. Clearly you're no longer his concern. You have to act independently of him, Bacall, because that's what you are.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Passem, glad to see you here. Feel I have made a big stride toward recovery and when i think of recovery I think of you and the life you have today.
karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Thanks, Karen. That was my first post since the change. I don't usually post from work but wanted to try it out because for some reason, I can't post here from home and the Administrators haven't replied to my asking them what's keeping me from being able to do so.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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