Cleo
newbie
Reged: 08/24/05
Posts: 42
|
|
Has anyone else's child gone through a phase like this? I'm going crazy and would appreciate any insights or strategies!
DD just turned 12 and has been (IMO) obsessively focused on her friends since the summer. I took the kids to Disney World, and she almost ruined the trip with constant whining about how it was no fun with only her "dorky" family and preferring to watch Full House reruns in the hotel room rather than going to the parks. Over and over she said that she'd be having more fun if her friends were there, but that it was boring and embarrassing to be there with her family. I tried to tell her how hurtful her attitude was and she did not care, even when I told her I'd leave her out of future trips unless she became more appreciative.
Now that school has started, she's caught up in dances, slumber parties, and football games. So far I have let her go to every event, at least one each week. However, she begged off a scheduled weekend with one grandmother for Homecoming and has been refusing to come with her brother and me for walks and such. Tonight her other grandmother called to invite us to dinner - she lives an hour away and was nearby and hadn't seen us in over a month. DD claimed to be sick and unable to go, so DS and I went without her. My mother was crushed, especially when we returned from dinner to find DD on the computer happily IM'ing with her friends. I'm close to decreeing that she must visit each grandparent at least once a month (in sickness and in health, lol) in order to "earn" time with her friends.
On the positive side, DD has straight A's in school and is not a behavior problem at all. She hasn't gone Goth or tried to pierce anything scary, and has a wonderful, bubbly personality. The problem is, her family doesn't get to see that side of her any more - it's like she's saving it all up for her peers. How long will this last? And what can I do to address her unreasonably hurtful refusals to participate in family activities?
Again, insights and suggestions are heartily encouraged!
|
Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
|
|
I'm not really sure why you allow her to refuse. If she doesn't have a fever and isn't vomiting, she's well enough to ride in the car and sit through dinner. She skipped Grandma's for Homecoming? She's in 7th grade, right? I mean...it's not *her* Homecoming or anything. I think a compromise would have been in order....."You may go to the game on Friday night, but we'll be leaving for Grandma's on Saturday morning."
This "phase" apparently goes on for anywhere from 3 to 10 years or so, depending on your child.
A certain amount of autonomy and focusing on friends is part of growing up. Constant disrespect is NOT. That Disney World thing would have made me livid. Miss 12 would have found herself with a babysitter, like all of the other petulant children.
You need to step-up and be her parent. You are not her friend. She has plenty of friends. If she doesn't "like" what you have to say...tough crapola. It's good that she has nice grades, but being respectful of her family is also a responsibility. If her responsibilities are too tough to handle, she needs to lose some privileges.
|
NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
|
|
I think she's doing what many 12 year olds try to do these days, and as the parent, it's your job to reign her in. Do not let her call the shots when it comes to the few family events you schedule. Given that she does planty of other things with her friends, the one or two family activities you seem to have planned in a month (like the visits with GM) should take precedent over functions she wants to attend with her friends.
My daughter is turning 15 on Monday, and if I let her, her social life would be soley spent with her friends. But, since we have a lot of family around (I have a son, three brothers, a sister-in-law, two neices, a nephew, an aunt, and my father all within a few miles. Extend it to a few hours drive, and there are an equal number of other siblings and their families.), I have to be sure there is a balance in her life that leaves room for these other people who care about her.
Not every family gathering is as "fun" as one with her friends, but more often than not, she finds something to amuse herself. The worst times, though, are when a family event comes in direct conflict with a social event planned with her friends. In those cases, I play it by ear. For instance, over Fourth of July weekend, we were invited to one of my brother's for a barbecue and to watch the local fireworks. He just put in a beautiful pool, and the fireworks are set off from the school field across the street from his house. You couldn't ask for a better set-up. But of course, my daughter wanted to go to her friend's party a mile away. I said she could go to her friend's for the early part of the evening, and that they were invited to come to her uncle's to watch the fireworks @9 pm.
We have spent a lot of time at this particular brother's home, due to the new pool and the central location of his house to other family members, so I did not press that she attend the entire evening with us. But I did insist that she come for at least part of the evening, and her friends were invited to join us.
At other times, I have to admit, I've had a sulking child in the back seat of the car while we drove to a dinner. But in those cases, it was a visit with a someone who was not local, and seeing them when they were in the area was more important than a movie with a few friends that she would see everyday at school, IMO.
|
Cleo
newbie
Reged: 08/24/05
Posts: 42
|
|
Thank you both. DD and I have been arguing a lot over this, and after a while I guess I start second-guessing myself. I've never tried to be DD's friend as opposed to being her parent; it doesn't help though that my mother was so overprotective that I never went through this phase, so I really don't know what's "normal." However, I did feel DD's behavior was unreasonable, and I thank you again for validating that.
I've thought it was better to leave DD at home rather than have her ruin family activities, but I see that while it may make things easier for the rest of us in the short run, it is not teaching DD a thing about responsibility and respect. I think we'll be dealing with the sulky kid in the backseat (or at the table) and hope that she outgrows this soon - or better yet, learns a few important lessons about valuing family.
|
Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
|
|
My daughter decided the same thing. Being with family was no fun. So, what we did was go on vacation and leave her with her grandparents. Or, her grandparents were willing to watch her when she didn't want to go with us.
She didn't appreciate THEIR rules, which were more strict than ours. And, all the time she thought she was going to spend with her friends, didn't happen.
After a while, she was more willing to go with us.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
