traciemey
recently joined
Reged: 08/17/04
Posts: 1
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I would appreciate anyone's comments or knowledge on this matter. I have multiple issues but the main one is I have joint custody with my ex husband of our 3 children. The oldest (17) has claimed idependepence after he kicked her out of his house, which our decree says is her primary residence (she doesn't want to live with me and her stepfather and my other 3 children). She's doing fine (living in an apt 1/2 mile from me), with alot of help from me, she works full time and is hoping eventually to start college. The main issues are over the 8 year old and the 11 year old whose primary residence is with me. Our decree says Dad has atleast 12 overnights with them a month. This isn't happening because he is working out of state a lot or he will say he is "busy". Of course he makes it out like I'm keeping him from seeing them. He has started attending a non-denominational church on Sun mornings which I don't want my children who have been Catholic since birth (Dad is Catholic as well) attending. Our beliefs dictate that we not attend church services at other denominations, with exception to possibly attending weddings or funerals, and even then we are not to participate in their rituals ie. communion. He is insisting on taking my kids to this church, so I have been picking them up on Sun morning to go to mass with me and my husband and their younger 1/2 brother.
The other issue is my ex wants to travel outside the country with the kids, this is for pleasure only. I have no problem with him traveling with them in the US, but the last trip we argued over was to Mexico with his girlfriend (15 years younger) and her family. He and girlfriend were to be scuba diving and my kids were going to be in the care of the girlfriends parents. I have nothing against these people, I just don't like the idea of my kids traveling into another country, I wouldn't expect to be allowed to take them out of the country either. He didn't take them but now is saying we can't come to agreements etc etc. I have already spent thousands just trying to get support for my kids. And I only get $300 a month, he is self employed and does a lot of cash jobs. I can't prove his taxes are bogus without a CPA doing an audit. I was thankful to get the $300 as he averaged less than $50 a month for the previous 2 years. He affords trips to Mexico and Jamaica, lives in an exclusive high priced area and pays cash for most all his purchases, including buying a Volvo for my 16 year old, before she was even 16. In the mean time me and my husband support the kids. I live in Oklahoma and I don't want to spend thousands more on a custody battle that may or may not come out in my favor. My 11 year old is starting to say she doesn't want to go to her Dads, he won't help with homework, let her see friends, get her to school on time etc. She has good reasons. She doesn't object totally she just doesn't want to go 12 nights a month. Is there anything I can do? My current stratedgy is just wait until he takes me to mediation or court and ignore him till then.
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strong4myson
journeyman
Reged: 08/04/04
Posts: 57
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There is free legal help available on the internet. I recently found freeadvice.com that you can file your issue with an attorney and they will get back with you. I just filed mine but have not heard back yet. I have a similar situation w/my ex. He conveniently quit a $30,000+ a yr job to start some bogus business so he wouldn't have to pay CS. (I get $27.00 a wk!) He tells my son it isn't up to him to help him with his homework and doesn't give him his ADD medication he needs. He also told my son that if he had to choose between my son and his wife, he would pick her. My son doesn't even want to go to his dads 8 times a month!
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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The child support thing towards the bottom is a separate issue, and needs to be dealt with through the AG's office. Now onto the other issues:
"Our decree says Dad has atleast 12 overnights with them a month. This isn't happening because he is working out of state a lot or he will say he is "busy"."
Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to visit. This is the bane of many custodial parents.
"He has started attending a non-denominational church on Sun mornings which I don't want my children who have been Catholic since birth (Dad is Catholic as well) attending. Our beliefs dictate that we not attend church services at other denominations, with exception to possibly attending weddings or funerals, and even then we are not to participate in their rituals ie. communion. He is insisting on taking my kids to this church, so I have been picking them up on Sun morning to go to mass with me and my husband and their younger 1/2 brother."
Okay, first, I was raised, and continue to practice Catholocism. 12 years of Catholic school. There is NO dotrine in the Catholic church barring you from attending ANY other churches services. As a matter af fact, in MANY communities, several times a year, ecumenical services are held with many religions taking part.
Also, consider this. You are saying that he is not respecting YOUR religious choice for the children by taking them to a different church. But aren't YOU refusing to respect HIS religious choice for the children?
"The other issue is my ex wants to travel outside the country with the kids, this is for pleasure only. I have no problem with him traveling with them in the US, but the last trip we argued over was to Mexico with his girlfriend (15 years younger) and her family. He and girlfriend were to be scuba diving and my kids were going to be in the care of the girlfriends parents. I have nothing against these people, I just don't like the idea of my kids traveling into another country, I wouldn't expect to be allowed to take them out of the country either. He didn't take them but now is saying we can't come to agreements etc etc"
Well, he is right. You AREN'T able to come to agreements. He , and you as well, has EVERY right to take the children on vacation outside the US. You are being unreasonable by not allowing it because he might leave the kids with his GF's parents while he and she go SCUBA diving. ESPECIALLY since you have STATED that you have nothing against them.
You sound like you are trying to control all aspects of the children, even when they are in his care. I am NOT saying this is the case, but there is a possibility that his reluctance to take the children could be based on your unwillingness to allow him to make ANY decisions for the children.
As for the 11 year old not wanting to go, all kids go through this. However, youa re court ordered to have the children there, so there is nothing you can do.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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that when a catholic marriage takes place, both spouses promise to raise any children of that union as catholics. They made a decision when they married that the children will be raised catholic. Of course, Dad can make whatever decisions he chooses for his own faith, but the commitment to raise the children as Catholic should be honored. Also, if they don't have joint legal, then Dad can't choose to raise the children in another faith. I've been through this with my ex. We are both catholic, children baptized, catholic school, etc. After divorce, ex met new wife and became episcopal and attended her church. On his weekends, he would bring the children...fine, no problem. But I object to enrolling them in organized religious study programs, or participating in anything beyond what would be described as "visiting" a church of another faith.
As for everything else, this woman is trying to control way too much. But I do agree about the religion thing...as a point of honor...and if she has legal decision making.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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I am in a mixed denomination relationship, in that my fiance is Baptist, and I am Catholic. Her 5 children are Baptist, mine are Catholic. Some Sundays, we attend her church, some Sundays we attend my church. The children, in my opinion, are getting a well rounded exposure to mutiple faiths. We, at home, emphasize the similarities as opposed to the differences.
Now, yes, when you get married in the Catholic church, you pledge to raise the children as Catholics. But you also pledge "till death do us part" as well as"what God has placed together, let no man put asunder". However we live in the real world. People change. He has decided not to remain a member of the Catholic church. On a side note, since the church he is attending is "nondenominational", he hasn't REALLY left the church, nor would he be attending a church of a different faith, as the church is, by name, nondenominational. But I digress. On your second point, while we do not know who has "legal" custody, does it matter? She has a right to determine the children's formal upbringing, but can a court REALLY force one parent to take the children to only ONE church, of the "legal custodians" choosing? Is that even REMOTELY right? Suppose she decided to become a satan worshiper or a Wiccan? Both are valid religious decisions. Or even less extreme, suppose they were married in the Kingdon Hall of the Jehovah's Witness's. They are not permitted to celebrate ANYTHING, including birthdays, etc. Should he no longer be allowed to celebrate the childrens birthdays because she has "legal custody", even in HIS parenting time? Of course not.
And in this situation, we are not even CLOSE to something that extreme. He was taking the children to a nondenominational church on Sunday. Mom disagreed, and he is, per her words, allowing her to pick the children up on Sundays.
Honestly, sounds to me like he is trying as hard as he can to do what this woman wants, and she is trying as hard as she can to make him dance like a monkey attached to the organ.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Also, if they don't have joint legal, then Dad can't choose to raise the children in another faith.
---> If the church is "nondenominational", then technically there isn't "another faith".
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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and also Gr8Dad....I totally spaced out about the non-denominational part. DUH! :)
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