Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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We’ve been living together for two years, married for one. Since we got married, he started to verbally abuse me (bad words, offensive gestures, yelling). He was punching the walls, breaking objects in the house, threatening to hit me. Until one night he actually did it.
I screamed. I packed. I was about to leave, when he said crying that he would go to therapy. He’s on therapy twice a week, but he stills drinks every night (which scares the hell out of me). The anger outbursts have stopped.
I still think I should have left that night (1 month ago). I want to love and respect him again, but every night I look at him sleeping, and I feel nothing.
I don’t LIKE him. I don’t want to talk to him, travel, go to restaurants, nothing. We are not friends anymore. I don’t admire him as a man. Needless to say that the attraction is also gone.
Does anyone know if this process can be reverted? I wish so much things could go back to the way they were before.
Thank you,
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royce
member
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 155
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If the attraction is gone then why would you want to be involved with him again?.
I think you have the chance to be out of a dysfunctional/destructive relationship and you should take it.
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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Thank you royce. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let the dream die.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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It seems that may be a question for a counselor.
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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That’s a good idea. I could probably use some counseling. I feel so lonely. I don’t think I have the strength to find an apartment and start all over again.
We moved to Texas four months ago, and I still don’t have any friends here. I didn’t wanna say anything to my family, for some reason I feel ashamed.
It feels good to vent, tks.
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royce
member
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 155
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Are you still living together?...if so then i would think that it is only a matter of time before he lashes out at you again unless he is getting some real help with HIS problems.I hasten to add that most therapies just don't cut it when it comes to "Family Violence" and as you say the drinking has not ceased.(and you may still be at risk of injury).In my opinion,while you both can blame "the drink" no real progress will be made.Unerlying his "self medication" (i.e drinking) are some very serious emotional problems. Counseling for you yourself would better take place in a DV support group atmosphere.In regards to your question as to whether you can "love him again" that is something you have to find out for yourself.You will need to some real soul searching.Can you forgive him whilst still holding him responsible for his actions and insisting that if and until such time real progress is made that the relationship is on hold?.If he were to succeed in turning his life around then i would think that maybe the "attraction" could grow.
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liftnbhappy
journeyman
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
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Buy this book...read it...and then answer your own question. My husband was abusive physically but not text book, he was more of a controller. He used throwing stuff around, busting stuff up, drivig wreckless to abuse me. This book is great, there is more to it than the title, it is by no means a book telling you to leave, it just helps you answer a lot of questions that you have. Good luck.
Ditch That Jerk
written by Pamela Jayne
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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I was very similar to the fellow you describe except my drinking wasn't near as bad. I had to be completely torn down and rebuilt before I changed. My wife threatened me with divorce once and I did make some adjustments, but it was more like "checking the box". She never gave me any feedback that things were going poorly - then she pulled a surprise attack. I got so down without her that I took off a month from work to piece things back together. I had to really do some soul searching to get there.
A couple of points.
Does he "truly" understand how scared he is making you? I know I didn't. He may not think what he is doing is "that bad". Perhaps there is a way you can show him your perspective. Tell him that you are woman and that you need to be handled with care, etc.
Also, on the anger thing - he has got to sort that out. A counselor can help, but it has to be a good one.
I made up a web site (see signature) about the phenomenon since I had it at one point. I'm sure it is still in there buried somewhere deep, but I've since learned to control it. The counselors gave me breathing exercises (kind of like martial artists I expect) to act as a natural calming technique. Then I developed a series of mental images that I could pull up in a flash once I felt my anger headed towards "out of control".
One image was simply imagining myself without my wife. The other was her sleeping with another man if I continued to act this way. I pictured a set of "glass gloves" on my hands when we discussed sensitive issues. I told myself not to break the glass gloves almost as though I were some kind of monster.
As far as falling in love with him again. My wife fell in love with me again after I shaped up so it is definitely possible. The key for her was me showing selfless love. Does your man understand that part?
I hope some of this helps.
--
Shohn
www.glassgloves.com
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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I am so ashamed.
Two nights ago, he got angry again. He shoved me, threw me on the floor twice, locked me in the closet. I tried to call 911, he took the phone out of my hands, somehow I managed to get the phone back and called a friend. She came to pick me up, I slept on her house for two nights, but her husband was uncomfortable, and I came back.
My husband is sleeping in another room.
I know I need to leave him. But I am unemployed, my family live in another country, and I am ashamed to tell them the truth.
Most of all, I feel weak. I fell sorry for myself most of the time. I would never imagine this would happen to me.
We only have one car, he takes the car to go to work and I stay all day inside the house.
I know I need counseling, but how am I supposed to get there?
I cry all the time, he said he's sorry (again) and that he's going to attend to some kind of program for abusers.
I know there's no simple answer to my situation, but I really needed to vent.
Thank you for all the support, Fab
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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Just wanna say one more thing, I don't believe people can recover from this kind of behaviour. If I was feeling stronger, I would be gonne by now. But I can barely come out of bed. I will make a plan to leave him, and one day I will make it.
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