inlovensane
enthusiast
Reged: 05/02/06
Posts: 313
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First, would you? Second, when and how? Here is the situation... I have already had a brain tumor removed when my daughter was 3 years old. I think she saw me, what I looked like, and how much I depended on her father to take care of me after surgery, and that somehow made her feel I was weak. I now realise that part of the reason she is soo close to her dad, this is how councelor explained it to me, is that she saw her mom as not healthy and may not survive as long as daddy. So she grabbed on tight to him, the stronger suriving parent, the one that will be able to take care of her... survival instincts, at age 3! Well, it's only a posability, but last week I learned I MAY have another tumor ( waiting for authorization for new MRI from insurance company). Daughter is now 10, almost 11, she says she is 10 and a half and 1/4, LOL. She has gone thru a lot in the past year, her dad and I splitting up, him and my best friend moving in together, me meeting someone, puberty starting(yes already), dad and I not allowing her to waer make-up ( big deal to her, and I am soo mad at all other 10 year olds parents who let them), her dad moving his GF out, and being laid-off from his job...Now this. She is very smart and understanding. I guess my question is, when would you tell her, and how do I keep her from pushing me away? Opinions?
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Never take away someones hope... it may be all they have left.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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whoopsy - I did not know how to truely answer for your situation - I see your concern but I also think that the years would have added maturity to the situation with your daughter...hope I'm not wrong.
as far as you and dad's ground rules about make-up, she be fine and will get over that.
but you are having a major medical situation going on.
your duaghter will have a better understanding to "what it all means" so to speak and I think that it would be wrong to not let her be aware of what you will be going through.
if this was a simple offhanded procedure then I would not go into full detail but given the severity of what you will go through physically and emotionally - you will both need eachother for support.
good luck to you and take care of you.
((( prayers )))
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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inlovensane
enthusiast
Reged: 05/02/06
Posts: 313
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Thanks for the responce... She is mature enough to handle the situation, and like I said, I hope it's only a POSSABILITY that the tumor has returned. My concern is that she will push me away. Not sure how to word it to her.
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Never take away someones hope... it may be all they have left.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9400
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I'm right there with you.
My ex had a lot of health problems starting when DD was 1 year old, and I was pregnant with DS. They carry on into today, and he is "permanently disabled". He has medical issues all the time, and is pretty open with the kids because his pain is evident. Well, and that is the excuse he uses for everything.
However, I have always struggled with female issues, and now I'm going in next week (day before Thanksgiving, thank you very much) for a biopsy of my cervix. It is scary.
My kids have also been through hell over the last 18 months...their paternal grandmother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, our divorce, me moving out of our marital home, my dad being hospitalized and then dying, their dad moving out of the marital home, changing schools, and my son's best friend dying.
Should I have cancer? I will have to be honest with them. But upbeat honest. I hide the pain from them really well. Neither one of them have guess how much I'm hurting, and I have been able to scramble schedules so they don't know about the doctors appointments. But, when a diagnosis is made, they have to know, and know what the treatment is.
I think the same is true in your case...you sit on your emotions and fear until a diagnosis is made, THEN you go to your daughter with tons of informations, and preferably a support group for her. Be upbeat, and keep her involved without scaring her. Arm her with information, and let her find her way.
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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I don't think you should tell her until after you've had the other MRI and a diagnosis. She's young. She shouldn't worry until she has too.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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I hope you don't have another tumor. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Let us know how your next MRI goes.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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inlovensane
enthusiast
Reged: 05/02/06
Posts: 313
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Thanks. I and her father have always been upbeat. Humor, she has it too. Sometimes if I am having a bad day, I tell her I have a screw loose, (10 screws and 3 plates to put skull back). I have even let her try to stick a magnet to my forehead. LOL, she gets mad they won't stick... titanium isnt magnetic I guess.
Ouch, I have had the cervical biopsy and then the surgery... damn that hurts. Dont mean to scare ya, unless you already have had those, take someone with you to drive. I have no fear, it's strange, but since myfirst cranyotomy, I am not afraid of anything. Well , except the BIG fake spider my neice put on my coffee pot the other day. LOL... I baby sit her Saturday, that should be fun.
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Never take away someones hope... it may be all they have left.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19893
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Wait until you get the results back and consult with a specialist about the diagnoses, treatment and prognosis.
When I had to have my gall bladder out when our oldest was our four, we didn't say anything until we had all the facts and then we kept it very simple: "Mommy is sick and has to go to the hospital to have an operation so she can get better. You'll be able to visit Mommy in the hospital and then Mommy will come back home."
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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inlovensane
enthusiast
Reged: 05/02/06
Posts: 313
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I hyad my first MRI the 'day of' my family's Christmas gathering. The neurologist called me two hours later to tell me about the tumor... it didn't get me down. Actually, I was kind of relieved because I have had horrific dibilitating headaches since I was 12 yo, and thought " yeah, I won't get headaches anymore." Unfortunately, the tumor had nothing to do with headaches, but finding it saved my eyesight! I went to my family's dinner and told them I had some news for them, "I would tell after we open gifts." They were all trying to guess.. like I was gonna have another baby, or getting married. I had my surgery 12 days later, 16 hours of surgery. Came thru it pretty well. I feel the more positive you are, the faster you heal. Hope all goes well with your biopsy.
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Never take away someones hope... it may be all they have left.
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asurvivor
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 3410
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First, I want to say that I'm sorry you have to even be remotely close to this diagnosis. My prayers are with you!
I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 32. My DD was 9 at the time. I didn't tell her right away and that upset her very much. She told me to be upfront about what was going on because she wanted to know. I think in this situation, I would let the child lead the way of what she wants to know or not know (this comes from previous experience). Get all your information together so you can find a way to constructive tell her without scaring her into a withdrawl.
But more importantly, when your talking to her you have to let her know that you want to know when she's sad, scared, feeling sorry for Mommy, sad for Mommy or Daddy....put the scenarios out there for her but most importantly let her know that how she feels is very important to you and that during this difficult time you want to keep all communication and questions out in the open. Let her know that she can talk to you and anyone else that she feels comfortable with.
In my case, I was so unsure (I was a single Mom) that I took her to talk to my counselor. I laugh now because DD and counselor came out hugging and laughing like they had been friends for years and counselor looked at D and then looked at me and said your doing a great job with D and she's fine....she just wants her Mommy to be fine too! I bet in your case, DD will be the same way. This will be a huge eye opener for her and a scare at the same time.....be supportive to her and yourself and give yourselves the time you both deserve towards each other.
Again, my prayers are with you and yours. Much hugs!
Asurvivor
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