littleE
recently joined
Reged: 12/09/06
Posts: 3
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How do I know what is best for my 2 boys ages 3 and 6? I have been with my husband my entire adult life (16 years), and I don't know the answers. I have seen families torn apart by divorce, but I hate to see my boys torn apart by living in an unhappy family. My husband and I used to have fun together but he has turned into a manic depressive, insecure, unhappy man. I had an affair 1 1/2 years ago, but he held on tighter, not wanting to let me go. We fight every day. He has unintentionally caused us to be broke, and possibly losing our house. I cannot work and pay child care in the town that we live in, but have been offered a place to live on the Jersey Shore where this may be possible. I love him, but can't stand his misery, and am worried that it is turning our boys into something that I don't want them to be. How do I let go of the man I love for the sake of his children? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
E.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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How about trying some counseling for both of you and also medical care for him.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30209
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...how about stop being such a selfish person and think of someone else. You F!@#ED somebody else, and he forgave you and stayed on, now he is a a little depressed, and you want to BAIL on him. Talk about self centered.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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littleE
recently joined
Reged: 12/09/06
Posts: 3
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Maybe you should know the whole story before you are so quick to judge. He ruined my credit, spent all my money - including my inheritence, he is an alocohol and verbally abusive, and never paid one ounce of attention to me in 16 years, until someone else did, and no, I didn't even sleep with the other guy - but I was pretty lonely living where our nearest neighbors are 5 miles away, and my husband was at the bar after work and didn't come home until after the kids were in bed. His father died at the age of 52 from alcoholism, I see my husband taking the same path, and I don't want my boys to take it too. I understand that you are hurt and angry, and I'm sorry that someone did that to you, but there are always two sides to the story.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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And yet you had children with him 10 years after you were married. Did he suddenly just change once you had kids or was he always this way?
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littleE
recently joined
Reged: 12/09/06
Posts: 3
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He was always this way, although he used to like to do fun things with me. I started dating him when I was 20 and not mature enough to make such an important decision. I blame nobody but myself for feeling the biological clock of marriage and children ticking, and marrying him - thinking that he would somehow change. I have apologized to him for my pressuring him to marry me and have kids, but he insists that he loves me. I am not trying to be selfish, rather, I am trying to do what is best for the kids. And I would never take them out of his life, but he doesn't do much to help with them anyway. BTW - He refuses counseling.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30209
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...and felt your marriage was not HAPPY. So you sought out marriage counseling? You TOLD him this is how it was, and you needed more? You TOLD him that if it didn't improve, you wanted a divorce? NAH, run to another, then ask him to forgive you, much EASIER, right?
Yeah, my ex DID xheat on me, and i DID forgive her, and she DID do it again. So if you want PITY for your LAZINESS an SELF CENTERED act of having an affair, you got the wrong guy. It is called give and take. You expected HIM to understand that YOU had an affair, but now that HE is depressed (MAYBE because of your affair), you want out.
As far as blaming HIM for YOUR affair, it is a TYPICAL tactic of a cheater. Couldn't be YOUR fault, COULDN'T require something on YOUR part, NOPE, he DROVE you to it. What a load of SH!T!
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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What an angry little man you are!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30209
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I am a man that HAD a spouse cheat on me, and I LOOKED for help. I sought help from the mainsteam sites. Do you know what they say? If a MAN cheats, he is a piece of crap, and needs to kiss the woman's ass to get her back. If a WOMAN cheats, it is because the man is a piece of crap, and he needs to kiss her ass in oder to fufill what she was missing.
Do you know what a COMPLETE and UTTER pile of BULLSH!T that is? Do you know what that can do to the psychy of an individual that is HURTING, not only from the betrayal, but the extended emotional abuse from a manipulative spouse?
I don't butter anything up. I think a marriage CAN survive an affair, but I think the FIRST step needs to be TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. Don't even THINK, much less TALK about how the OTHER person DROVE you to it, or how it was THEIR fault. ADMIT your error, take the BLAME for your CHOICE. Then move forward from there.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Summer896
journeyman
Reged: 12/06/06
Posts: 67
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Holy crap! I can feel the screaming in gr8Dad's post from here. (putting on Freud mask) If there's someone you're angry at (and something...wow, can't put my finger on it...oh yeah, maybe all the keyboard screaming...is telling me that "someone" is your ex wife), you should probably be screaming at HER. Please try to remember that the OP isn't the one who cheated on you. I mean this is elementary stuff here. (taking Freud mask off) So maybe back off just the tiniest bit...okay? You're scaring people, and Hallowe'en is over.
To the OP: I am sorry you're going through this. I do feel you should leave. Not because of the depression, but because of the alcoholism. You can't, can not, c-a-n n-o-t change an alcoholic, ever. Trust me on that one. :( It's hard and it hurts but it's true. If anyone will ever change him, it will be him and him alone. Sorry for the bad grammar there.
Edited by Summer896 (12/12/06 01:54 AM)
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