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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
The Void
      #175779 - 12/10/06 07:37 PM

My wife of 5 years left me about a month ago. We married when we were 23, relatively young but not too bad. I thought that I had found the one, and unfortunately I had but she had not. About a two years ago she told me that she didn't find me sexually attractive. I was crushed. I tried everything to keep it together, I gave here any and everything. I have neglected my friends and family trying to make her love me. Now that she is gone, I know I should look forward to the future, but how do you fill the void that is created when the one person you have ever truly loved leaves you?

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Curmudgeon
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Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175782 - 12/10/06 07:40 PM

Let time run its course and stay busy and involved. The void will begin to fill naturally.

If you want to kick-start it, ask yourself why you would benefit from remaining with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive and, by virtue of her leaving, doesn't love you.


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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: Curmudgeon]
      #175785 - 12/10/06 07:44 PM

I know that it wasn't doing either of us any good, but it hurts that she seems to have moved on and I am stuck in some serious depression. I had no problem meeting people when I was married, and plenty of women hit on me then. I never cheated, but now I just have no desire to do anything remotely associated with dating. When does it stop?

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Curmudgeon
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Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175787 - 12/10/06 07:55 PM

I lived like a monk for two years after my divorce. I wasn't at all interested and there were a number of women who were obviously interested. Ultimately I asked out one woman I'd known for five years who didn't hit on me. We've now been married for ten.

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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: Curmudgeon]
      #175791 - 12/10/06 08:07 PM

One thing I am trying to take out of this as a positive is that I know what I need to have next time. I also think I know what I need to do to make things better. It sounds like you did the same thing and got it right.

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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175793 - 12/10/06 08:09 PM

Sweetie, it's only been a month. No one expects you to have moved on so fast and it wouldn't be good for you if you had. The reason she has probably moved on so fast is that she has been emotionally away from the marriage for a long time. She already took the time to grieve.

I think it's awful that she would tell you she's not sexually attracted to you. No one should EVER have someone say that to them. Please keep coming back here. I'm sorry you need this place but you've found a supportive group of people. Time really does heal all wounds. It may seem like it never happens but it will.

(((HUGS)))

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: Debi]
      #175795 - 12/10/06 08:12 PM

Thank you so much. I know it is so soon, but I break down all the time. I have always been successful, but the one thing I wanted I failed at. I just want to stop hurting.

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LadyBugRN
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Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
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Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175806 - 12/10/06 09:05 PM

Call up those friends and family, tell them you are sorry you were absent, but you really need them now. Fill the void with people who love and care about you. Stay busy. Do something you've always wanted to do, but didn't before. Immerse yourself in something you like. Find safe people who you can be with in your pain, take time and allow yourself to grieve when you need to be alone. Look into local support groups, maybe through local churches, that will be of help to you. Don't think about dating! It's way too soon. It would only be a rebound relationship right now and you and the other person may get terribly hurt in the process, because you aren't emotionally ready. Most of all, keep coming here and posting. We've all been there, we understand, we can offer wisdom and most of all understanding. It really, truly does help knowing the people of the board are here and only key strokes away, if you need a lifeline.

Lori

--------------------
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."


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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175811 - 12/10/06 09:15 PM

Okay, first we have to change your thought pattern. Did you try everything you could think of to save your marriage? If so then you didn't fail. When something like this happens all the blame usually does not lie with one person.

As for the breaking down......I've been divorced for 5 years but had a 3 year relationship that ended a little over a year ago. I spent 3 months (literally) crying at my desk every day. Some days I would sit there working and the tears would just flow. Others I had to run to the bathroom because the sobbing hurt so bad. So I know. I truely do. I thought it was all my fault, that I must lack something that I couldn't figure out. I mean not only had my xh left me but now this man was leaving too. It couldn't be THEM, right? I finally figured out that I'm a good person. In fact I'm a great person and anyone who doesn't see that.......it's their loss. You'll see it too. I promise. (and after you see what a great person "I" am you might start to see what a great person you are). :o). I'm just kidding I re-read the way I wrote that and that's what it sounded like I meant. Instead of changing it I thought I'd make a joke.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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thisaintBB
enthusiast


Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: Debi]
      #175856 - 12/11/06 05:07 AM

foge

I am experiencing something very close to what you are going thru, my STBX told me on the phone 11/3 that he wasn't "in love" with me any longer but still "loved" me, he left that day and until this past week has had no contact with me. I feel empty inside and I cry more then I've ever cried in my life. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man and now I'm alone. I have NO desire to date (which is actually a sign of growth on my part and I know it) I have gotten involved in my church ladies group, I have thrown myself into my kids, I have read probably 15 books both fiction and self help, I've called friends when I felt like I was going crazy and what all of this had done for me is the following, it's allowed me "feel the pain", grow as a friend and mom, it's made me realize there are good people in this world that God has put in my path that love me and respect me, it's allowed me to see that I don't want to spend 5 minutes let alone the rest of my life with a man that doesn't love me, want me and appreciate me for the beautiful person I am....hang in there and keep posting!


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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 10/05/06
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Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #175869 - 12/11/06 07:03 AM

Is there a book for these people, the ones that say " I love you, but I am not in love with you"

At one month it hurts like crazy, it will hurt for awhile, the void is so big right now because its on your mind 24/7. I often thought about my part in the divorce, and I know it was there. I wish I had done some things differently, and obviously she wished I had of too, but it always takes two. I don't think you became this terrible person in the years you were married, but in time you will find, that it didn't work because of the both of you, you will figure out the things you want to change and you will. I have to tell you, week 1 was the cleanest house around. and the most researched shopping you could imagine. Comparing prices and looking for sales just to stretch my money. In time I was smiling again, doing other things and not thinking about it as much, three years later, I smile, I still don't date, that could be because I am butt ugly, but hey. I still have times when it hurts, it makes me wonder, but I don't think my life has been ruined, just changed and as with all things we can adapt to change. Time is the biggest helper.


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Dad1956
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Reged: 09/16/06
Posts: 216
Loc: Madison, NJ
Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #175873 - 12/11/06 07:22 AM

Your words:

"it's allowed me to see that I don't want to spend 5 minutes let alone the rest of my life with a man that doesn't love me, want me and appreciate me for the beautiful person I am"

have helped me a great deal this morning. In my case it is a woman of course but I see through the pain to that truth right now.


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thisaintBB
enthusiast


Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: Dad1956]
      #175874 - 12/11/06 07:40 AM

Dad glad it helped, the other thing that has helped me in the beginning I said to a friend "How do I let go of him" and she said "You don't have to he lot go of you" those words are so true you can't hold onto something you don't have, continue to be good to your kids and yourself and let her live her life, hang in there

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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #175885 - 12/11/06 08:21 AM

I understand and appreciate all of the help you guys have given. It does help to know that other people have gone through the same thing and are surviving. thisaintBB- that is almost the exact same thing that happened to me. What kind of excuse is "I love you" but I am not "in love with you". That has to be the most cowardly and painful excuse of all. Basically they are saying that you are a good person, just not good enough for them. Again, thanks for the help, and I am really glad I found this site.

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thisaintBB
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Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175888 - 12/11/06 08:32 AM

foge

day by day I'm doing better I have set backs and I pick myself and go on, you will get better, are you staying busy, getting out with other adults, do you have children?


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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #175897 - 12/11/06 09:15 AM

Luckily we don't have kids. I think that should have been a sign early on to me that this probably wouldn't work out. I have always wanted kids, but not with her. I loved her and she was my life, but I could never see myself having a family with her. I just assumed that maybe I really didn't want a family and would just be happy with her. I am trying to stay busy with work, but I travel alot and there is so much downtime where I sit alone by myself and think. I have run so many scenarios through my head in the past month that it is unbelievable. I have been getting out with my friends, but unfortunately we hit up a couple of bars and I basically just drink to forget everything. For awhile there it seemed like the only way I could get to sleep was to drink. Pretty sad. It is getting better, and posting here does help, but there are those two or three times a day when I just feel incredibly hopeless and alone.

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thisaintBB
enthusiast


Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175914 - 12/11/06 10:11 AM

I have not drink since this happened, figure I have enough problems staying focused without adding that to the mix, counseling is really helping me and I have read a ton of books

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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #175926 - 12/11/06 11:24 AM

I tried counseling a last year, and I have not found anyone I am comfortable with. I like the book idea, I have plenty on my list I have always wanted to read. The more I read on this site, the more I realize that there is definately a "typical" process at least one person in the divorce goes through. Too bad there is no way to transfer the pain to my X.

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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7873
Loc: OH
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175931 - 12/11/06 11:31 AM

Your "x's" pain will come later - it is called Karma.

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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: Buckeye]
      #175944 - 12/11/06 11:57 AM

Buckeye,
I totally agree with the Karma statement, and hopefully if the theory holds true I will be much better off in the future.


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thisaintBB
enthusiast


Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #175953 - 12/11/06 12:13 PM

I think the best revenge is to live good! look good! handle things with dignity!

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foge33
newbie


Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
Re: The Void [Re: thisaintBB]
      #176012 - 12/11/06 01:26 PM

ThisaintBB,
I laughed out loud when I read your comment. I used to work out alot, then slacked off when I got married. I didn't get really out of shape, but I could use some work. A couple of months ago I decided to get back in the gym to look better, hoping it would make my wife more attracted to me. It didn't work for her, but I feel better, and hopefully others will like the new me too! Also in reference to dignity, instead of grovelling to keep her around, I have now taken the high road of acceptance and that has helped alot as well.


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thisaintBB
enthusiast


Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
Re: The Void [Re: foge33]
      #176111 - 12/11/06 04:47 PM

I was heavy when STBX and I got married, have struggled with weight for years but never had problems meeting folks etc., while married to him I packed on even more weight I have lost 30 lbs since we split and 2 pant sizes everyone says I look great but I don't see it, I can tell in my clothes but I still feel huge so when others notice I get a chuckle, glad I could make you laugh

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