gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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She CHEATED on him, and he took her back, and forgave her. He is a alcoholic, which, BTW, is a DISEASE, and she should LEAVE him for it? Where is the compassion and understanding in THAT logic?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Summer896
journeyman
Reged: 12/06/06
Posts: 67
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Well, the COMPASSION lies in how the CHILDREN are kept from being EXPOSED to the ALCOHOLISM of the...oh, wait, I'm sorry. It must be catching. Har...a little levity...juuuuuuuust a little joke there...
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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alcoholism is HELL and until you've lived with it you can't understand it, children can not be shielded from the disease and the affects of alcoholism carry over for years even into their adult hood (I am one of those kids from an alcoholic home where my step dad stayed to protect us kids) get out of the situation and if he gets sober then you work on your marriage but not until he is sober and working a program
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Summer896
journeyman
Reged: 12/06/06
Posts: 67
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[quote]alcoholism is HELL and until you've lived with it you can't understand it, children can not be shielded from the disease and the affects of alcoholism carry over for years even into their adult hood[/quote]
Second that...props to BB for bringing this point up. There are also serious dangers with having children live with an alcoholic. In my first marriage (I have been married twice), my now-ex was an alcoholic. He insisted on getting a bb gun for the kids one year...I fought it but he insisted he'd keep the lock on it, etc. Well, his son, who had/has ADHD, got ahold of this thing more times than I can count. A drunken man DOES NOT remember whether or not he put the lock on a "toy"...I came home from work one day when my now-ex, who had insisted on staying home with the kids after school (he was off that day) so I would have one day off from doubling back to pick them up from daycare, was asleep on the couch in a pool of his own vomit (sorry) and MY ADHD STEPSON WAS OUT BACK SHOOTING RECORD ALBUMS with the gun. This is a kid who would literally ride his bike into trees or run into the street at eight years of age because he couldn't concentrate.
And they knew. There was no hiding it. One day I heard my stepson talking about "Dad's grumpy juice" and my son responding that he knew where it was hidden when things finally tore for me. I hung in there for a seriously long time before I left...begged now-ex to go into therapy...he wouldn't...I would go by myself...um, big help there. And BTW...alcoholism CAUSES depression. Alcohol depresses the system physically and eventually it has mental repercussions that way. So that is almost certainly the cause of the OP's DH's depression.
Just my $.02...alcoholism may be a disease, but so is sociopathy, and I'm not about to leave my kids with one of those either.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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There are serious problems with children living with an alcoholic in remission. Particularly when the remission is recent. Remission could mean the pause between the first dirnk and the second in my experience.
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bkgirl
recently joined
Reged: 02/26/07
Posts: 2
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Hi there, I am not in the exact same situation as you are, but pretty close. My husband is an alcoholic, and I recently found out addicted to a drug. He has been verbally abusive. We have been married 8 years, he used to be nice. Most of the really bad stuff started AFTER we had children, he just couldn't deal. We have been in counseling for a year and a half. He has stolen money from me and the family by using equity from the house. We will lose the house.
I have joined Al-Anon which has really helped. I wanted to cheat on him, to get the affection that I needed, but I did not, so I sortof know how you feel. I never got the love and affection from him - or the sex that I wanted and needed. He was always out with his buddies getting drunk, and I was home with the kids.
The best thing for the kids I have decided, is for them not to be in a disfunctional family. Get help yourself. I am trying to read as much as possible about my situation. It sucks. My girls (2 and 4)are so much happier and relaxed now that he is out of the house. I have not filed yet. I am afraid of what he will do I think. But I will file soon.
Good luck to you.
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madalex
enthusiast
Reged: 01/08/07
Posts: 261
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[quote]I am a man that HAD a spouse cheat on me, and I LOOKED for help. I sought help from the mainsteam sites. Do you know what they say? If a MAN cheats, he is a piece of crap, and needs to kiss the woman's ass to get her back. If a WOMAN cheats, it is because the man is a piece of crap, and he needs to kiss her ass in oder to fufill what she was missing.
Do you know what a COMPLETE and UTTER pile of BULLSH!T that is? Do you know what that can do to the psychy of an individual that is HURTING, not only from the betrayal, but the extended emotional abuse from a manipulative spouse?
I don't butter anything up. I think a marriage CAN survive an affair, but I think the FIRST step needs to be TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. Don't even THINK, much less TALK about how the OTHER person DROVE you to it, or how it was THEIR fault. ADMIT your error, take the BLAME for your CHOICE. Then move forward from there. [/quote]
Hear, hear. The OP needs to take responsibility for her own actions rather than blaming her affair and everything else on her spouse. It's never gonna happen though.
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