hutton54
journeyman
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 69
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My ex is a nightmare. He involves the children in everything. My 9 year old asked just the other day what Slut meant and I said where did you hear that word and her response was that is what Dad calls you. I told her that it is a bad word and sometimes when her Dad is mad he says things that are not very nice. When my husband was in Iraq and the only way we could communicate was via email he called my and told my Daughter to pour a glass of water on the computer and when she told him no I will get in trouble he told her to pretend it was an accident. My three year old son told me that Dad says Dave step Dad is a piece of [censored]. My son is three so he didn't make this up. So what do I do? Allieanation of affection is definetly in the court order but how do I prove it and how do I get it to stop?
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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There has not been an order created that will make a parent act responsibly. Moreover, poor behavior around the children is not necessarily alienating behavior.
If you feel the need to have a court admonish the other person, file a Motion. That, however, is likely all you will achieve.
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hutton54
journeyman
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 69
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Maybe I am confused about alienation. It is in my custody order so I am thinking that badmouthing me and encouraging the children to do things that anyone would deam unexceptable would be alianating and therefore contempt of a court order. My problem is how do you prove it he will say it never happened. When it happens all the time. This is not how I invisioned my children being raised.
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ljnsy
old hand
Reged: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
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I believe bad mouthing the other parent etc. is in most of our court orders, however, it is very difficult to prove.
My XH, his Fiance and family are constantly saying bad things about me in front of and to my S10. S10 comes back and tells me they say bad things. I don't ask what they say, I simply tell him that in situations such as ours, some people get angry and say things they don't mean. I tell S10 that HE knows what kind of person I really am and should simply ignore what they say. I told him that what ever bad things they say about me doesn't bother me in the least.
Your children will get older and make up their own minds about you and their father. In the future, their fathers words about you will not hurt you but will come back and bite him in the a$$! My XH has been talking badly about me since DS was 4 years old...that I know of. DS believed him at first but now believes none of it and is starting to not want to go visit his father because of that bad things he says. They make him angry and he is constantly telling his father to stop.
Alienation can work against the parent attempting it. Kids aren't stupid. They figure out exactly what's going on eventually.
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde
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hutton54
journeyman
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 69
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You know I have to tell you thank you for saying your DS son believed it at first because I feel my daughter does believe it sometimes and it scares the crap out of my I try to do everything that I view as morally right I will not engage in any kind of talk about her Dad that is bad. When he doesn't show up for her concerts or basketball or baseball games I make up excuses for him. and quite frankly I feel that she hates me sometimes, and I just don't know what to do, sometimes i don't even know what to say to her she is 9 her Dad and I have not been together for going on 2 years now, and I just don't know how to get through to her somedays.
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ljnsy
old hand
Reged: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
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Your child knows you. When they are told something, maybe they believe it and maybey they won't. I know it's hard at times, but please know that eventually your daughter will have everything figured out all by herself. Your children WANT to believe things that Dad says because after all, he IS their dad and they would wonder why he would say such things if they aren't true. Hold steady and continue to be a devoted mother and make sure your children know that you love them more than anything and you will always be there for them and they will see the truth IN you.
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde
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hutton54
journeyman
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 69
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I have another question for you I don't want to keep bothering you but I need an unbiased opinion, my Daughter when she is with her Dad and I call will get on the phone and say she does not want to talk and hangs up on my. It makes me mad for the sheer fact of disrespect and it hurts. Would you punish your child for the disrespect part of it or ignore it or what do you do. When she gets home all is well and she acts as if nothing ever happened, I am fully aware that she does do things to appease each parent when she is with them but I have grounded her from things in the past for disrespect and her Dad tells her how wrong I am from doing it. When she is with me she tells me she loves and the relationship is not flawless but a mutual respect is there, but when she is with her Dad, she is sometimes cruel in the way she treats me, like the phone, if we happen to be at the same store etc. she will turn her back on me and not speak to me even when I am trying to speak to her and she will turn the other way and look to her Dad. But on the other hand she does not do that to him ever as a matter of fact I would be upset if she did that to him when she was with me, she tried it once in the very begining but I made her fully understand that it was not acceptable behavior and obviously he has not made that clear to her in fact sometimes I think he encourages it. But to make a short story a novel how do you handle this do you punish or not.
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ljnsy
old hand
Reged: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
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You need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart talk with her about respect and the fact that some of her actions actually hurt you. She is old enough to understand this. I don't know why she would do that, possibly because of her father's influence, but I'm not sure. Talk to her. Ask her why she acts this way when she is with her father. She is the only person who can answer that question and needs to be told how her actions affect you.
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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I think you need to stop making excuses for him. Simply say "I don't know." and leave it at that. If she says "dad says you won't tell him when my games are." just tell her that her father is quite big enough to find out the dates himself. But in future you will send a note along as a reminder for her next time with him. Or you and your daughter can put all the info in an envelope and you can take her to the Post Office and she can post it herself.
Actions do speak louder than words.
I think you need to remove yourself from the relationship between your ex and your daughter. If he says negative thimgs that are repeated simply say "I think your dad is confused. I didn't say that." If your daughter is rude to you on the phone, ask her when she comes home why she thinks it is OK to speak like that. She can come up with some answer. Ask her if she would like you to be rude to one of her friends on the phone and refuse to let her talk to them. Turning the situation around to a place where she can relate to the circumstances usually helps.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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hutton54
journeyman
Reged: 12/26/06
Posts: 69
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With respect about the games he told her that he will not go if I am there and when I told her there is no reason that we both can't be there, she said Mom you see all my games will you not go so Dad will go. Well I said I love to see her do things and that there is no reason he can't be there and that I wasn't going to give up watching her play. Hind sight being 20 20 I should have just not gone and she may have seen for herself it is not because of me that he does not go. But I just don't want to play a game and I certainly don't want to see her hurt. by this.
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Sad2Bad
recently joined
Reged: 02/09/07
Posts: 7
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I think parents who alienate should lose custody. Adult marriages and the issues that arise which lead to divorce, should not be aired with children regardless of the age. I have seen my kids half dozen times (or less) in the past 2 years. I left her. She was not a decent wife, and often a less than loving mother to one of the boys. She screamed and yelled, and told me to leave on a regular basis; when I'd get up to depart she would throw herself at me and attack with her claws and fists. I wasn't afraid of her hurting me however, I did fear a domestic call to the police; she's the type that would enjoy this type of bizarre drama. This was my life. I tried to make it work. I quit my lucrative job out of state, so we could move closer to her parents. I cut my mother and father, and siblings from my life because she demanded it. I worked 2-3 jobs trying to keep up with her spending habits; loan after loan, debt after debt, bills piled everywhere; but nothing made her happy. NOTHING. I didn't cheat, I didn't go out with friends, and still I couldn't live up to her expectations. My children especially the two older ones saw this, heard this, and yet they allow their mother to turn them against me. I worked nights yet was at every ballgame, every performance, every award ceremony. I was always there,,,exhausted yet supportive. I said it was over, she said if you leave I will ruin your life and career, I'll take your friends and chilren from you...I will make your life hell. I left, and she did most of what she threatened. The kids refuse to see. She has filled them with hate and disrespect, after 2.5 years I give up. She won. They are firmly on Mom's side. I guess my policy of not discussing our maritial issues with them was wrong because she went into the weeds. The judge had to admonish her because she would give the 14 year old our legal documents to read and then explain "how daddy was taking the house, the money, etc, etc," which of course is not true. I gave it all to her, and it was worth every dime. She took my children. They are young adults who call for money, money, and oh did I say money? I called twice daily the first year, they or she would pick the phone up and hang up on me. My youngest suddenly went to bed after dinner (he's 12) and was never available. I sent gifts, tried to arrange meetings and visits, and tried to stay their father. After my mom died and they were cold and dispectful it became clear they want my money, not my love. I will alway love them, hoever they and that nutcase can't hurt me anymore. I'll always love them, and always be available, but there will be no more abusive conversations. I put up with enough from her, and will not live that way anymore
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CAL60844
recently joined
Reged: 10/18/06
Posts: 2
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I lived through the same type of marriage and now I am going through the same type of Divorce! I laid down in bed last night thought should I just walk away for the sanity of the children. I really don't know what I should do but, as of right now I am not going to walk away. I know how you are hurting I feel like every time I pick up the children it is like they have amnesia. Take care
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Misslisa1017
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 05/18/06
Posts: 2056
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That's sad to hear, you dont' mention if you have a court order for visitation. If you do and she refuses to let you see the children she is in contempt of court. You could fight this.
Just my opinion.
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Misslisa1017
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 05/18/06
Posts: 2056
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And if you don't have court ordered visitation, you should get it. Again just my opinion.
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