lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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So we have been trying to make this work for 4 months. Things have been ok, not great but working on it. Things just keep going downhill. Besides I have no rest at all, his moods are becoming impossible. I am trying to overlook them but I don't know how much longer I can pretend. I tried to talk to him tonight about his moods (which he always blames on his job) of course that ended up with him hanging up on me. Things I really feel are headed back in the direction they were in a few months ago. He is no longer going to counseling, says he can't work it in his schedule anymore. I don't know what to do. I am so miserable without him but I wonder if this is better or worse. The baby is a month old tomorrow and I know my hormones are still nuts and the fact that I get no rest. But my mind gets the best of me. The fact that there is no trust and the way he has been the last few days makes me wonder what I was thinking in the first place. Did I really think I would be able to get throught this? I thought I could and right now I don't know anymore. I feel like I have to kiss butt in order to keep him around and I am VERY unsure about how I feel right now. I have made alot of changes in myself and I don't really think he has made any. Not that I am perfect at all, but I bite my tongue so hard sometimes I think I might bite it off. Just venting, I just don't know if it is worth saving or not anymore. I think he is here for the kids and don't really think he cares about me much at all. Since the baby has been here it gets worse every day.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
Venting is good.
No offense if you have, but have you truly "let it go"?
When was the last time you guys went out on a date?
Why talking about the problems?
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I haven't let anything go. I am having huge issues getting past this. I do not want my marriage to end but everyday I feel him pulling away. It makes me think way to much about this whole thing and that maybe he thinks he made the wrong choice. I tried to talk to him this morning and he just left and went to work. I called him twice today to see how is day was going it is just short answers. I can tell he is very irritated. Do I just keep pretending?
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Okay sweetheart,
It is kind of a magic trick. I really don't know how else to explain it. You are letting your dignity be defined by him for now. Yes he's angry and you are going to have to accept that he may or may not come back, but you stand nothing to lose if you "let go". I'll explain what I mean by letting go later so you can tell me if you have really done this or not, but here are some practicals first.
First - stop calling him - send him a text message instead. One way communications so that he doesn't perceive it as you " auditing him". Something short and sweet, if you have to, nothing annoying since he is probably still in cold / angry mindstate. Stop expecting anything out of him. These calls are for you, not him. You are wanting him to say something nice for YOU, not him. You know that annoys him right now, so how is it helping? One way love sweetheart, for now. What you are doing is being perceived as "auditing him" by him.
Next - If the counselor you are using hasn't done anything after four months, get another one. This one obviously isn't doing any good, and doesn't seem to have a strong enough and persistent enough personality to keep your hubby going. You are going to need to really shop around for one that gets results - have you looked at divorcebusters.com, checked out all the churches near your area, looked in the phone book, asked your friends, etc.? Find the "best" one in your area - no second best. The best one will not be doing this for money, it is a passion with this type of individual. Find one.
Your patience will run out if you keep trying to do this by yourself - what I mean is even though your hubby is acting like a pr*ck right now, doesn't mean that he won't come back. I call it an anger cloud. His anger cloud will cycle in and out as long as you keep expecting something out of him for now. He can turn around after the "realization" sets in on him. Right now, it sounds like he's just running his life in pure "job, wife, house, two cars, a kid, and a dog" mode instead of looking out for the big picture. Does he have any kind of faith or is he purely a secular man?
Yes you are pretending - you are trying too hard and it is pushing him away and it will exhaust your patience. You've got to "let it go" so that you will come to almost a feeling of "enlightenment" or "peace" or "acceptance" of whatever may happen.
Again "let it go", in effect, "God - I trust your judgment - I hope this works out, but if not I accept what you want to do with this marriage because I know you have plan". Pray for 30 minutes at least. If your prayer is finally answered, you should feel a deep sense of calm and peace come over you - with a reckoning that you can handle anything in this world, followed by a new perspective. Oh... he's being a pr*ck right now, no big deal, I know there's nothing I can do about him, but if i keep working on me he has a much better chance of coming back and at some point I tell him how I did it so that he can transform himself and then we'll have the best marriage on this planet.
No more butt kissing, but that doesn't mean you need to be mean either. It is a balance. Think of it as giving him one way love (expect nothing in return) because you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to give up your dignity either. It is a balance. If your respect yourself - so will he. If you don't, he's going to flee. If you make some changes, don't expect him to turn on a dime.
Have you already made a list of the top ten things he has asked you to stop doing and stopped doing them?
Also, you may need to equip him with the facts. Research what happens to kids of divorced families. This information should be presented fairly, but if there is even a risk that it could affect his kid that should start to get his attention.
The job is his way of saying that he loves you - get that book "just for women" to understand.
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http://www.glassgloves.com
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I don't understand what he would be mad about. I took him back after he left me for another woman while I was pregnant. I haven't let go yet at all but sounds like this is something I really need to work on. He does not belive in God, which also has hurt this marriage as I am a strong believer.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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It sounds to me as if you've been trying to make this work for four months but are virtually alone in that effort. Therefore, it won't work for the long-haul. A relationship has to be a two-way street. One partner can't do all the work while the other either does no work or works to thwart what the other is doing. That benefits neither.
Sure you're hormonal and probably very tired as well. It goes with the territory of childbirth and post-partum experience. That's when you should be able to count on your husband to lighten your load and be as supportive as poossible. It doesn't sound as if he does either.
Now is probably not the time to make a major life-changing decision but at the rate things are going, that decision may be out of your hands.
You don't have to be perfedct, lsutton. That's an unrealistic expectation and goal. You only have to be the best you can be with what you have to work with. At the same time, you can't do all the work. He has to pull his own weight and fair share of the load. If he's not willing to do that then he's nothing more than a hindrance and so much dead weight.
His putting work before counseling, therefore putting it before your marriage, is very telling. He seems to lack the will to make the sacrifices necessary for you and his family other than financial support and that won't sustain you or the children.
I have no specific advice except to listen to your heart and your instincts. Obviously you can't rely on him so you have to be your own best counsel.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Lsutton,
Get the book "just for women" to understand what he might be mad about.
Also, it doesn't make it right, but why did he leave for another woman? Was there anything you did to push him away?
Can you let me know after you've read that book.
Hang in there sweetheart. Have you done the other things I told you about?
Also, those instinct things - they don't work very well in relationships at times, but you do have an advantage because women are better at that than most men. That said, much of it is actually counter intuitive and will go against your instincts. You'll see what I mean after reading that book.
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http://www.glassgloves.com
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Crap - he doesn't believe in God.
Grrr.... okay.. how strong is that lack of belief? Is he a scientist, philosopher, or really smart?
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Spamalicious Signature
http://www.glassgloves.com
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Your posts seem to presume that lsutton is at some great fault here for not acquiescing to her husband's every whim and desire. I think you're way off base and were she to take what you pass off as advice she'd lose herself in the process.
It will take more than a book and denial of instincts and gut feelings to get her through this, however it's going to play out.
How about she concentrates less on what you think he's mad about and more on what she really deserves in a relationship which, if you'd been here long enough and read enough, you'd know she hasn't received in a very long time.
I'm going to be blunt. I find your approach and blame-laying extremely sexist and unrealistic, to the point of being deleterious. It seems to point to guilt just because she's the woman. Quite frankly I hope she ignores most of it and gains strength from her convictions.
Your gratuitous use of the designation, "sweetheart" also seems patronizing, paternalistic and demeaning, aka: sexist!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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I never said or thought I was the perfect wife, but I did nothing to push him away. I did at first but after taking a long look I know that I did not. I work, take care of the home and the kids. I ask nothing of him except to have a job. He does not believe in god at all. There is no faith there and I have accepted that. Sometimes I don't know what I deserve anymore. I love him deeply and don't want to live a life without him but I have to pick the lesser of two evils and I am very torn on which way to go. I agree that now is not the time to make a life changing decision so I will wait on that for now. To tell the truth I think I already may have lost myself to him. I have spent 13 years worrying about what makes him happy that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I think that is why when he moved out I was so distraught and devastated, I didn't know what to do without him. You would think with all the kids they would take up my time but it didn't seem to. I had a hard time functioning on my own. I know I know co-dependant. I know that I am. I want to get my life and marriage on the right track but also believe and can't do it alone. I already feel like I am pulling away and I want to stop doing that I want to make it work but it may be to late for us.
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