Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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Went to see oldest SD so our dog could play with hers. We found out that SS is going to be moving out, once BM sells the house and moves in with her bf. HUH??? He is 18 and starting college! DH was PISSED. I won't repeat one comment he made, but I will say that a "true" parent doesn't just throw their 18 year old into the world with no preparation or care. Before anyone bashes, we have told SS repeatedly that he is MORE than welcome in our home to live. There would be rules to follow (from his father) but we would be happy to help him. He wants to have his own place, yet he has no responsility at home. He is now running around with his friends til all hours, spending the night with friends and BM doesn't seem to care. Her only thought now is for herself. Her kids are being Kicked out so she can move in with her bf. I certainly see her refusing to help them either. And what happens when things don't work out with him? I hope they do, so she's finally happy. What about SS? Even oldest SD has offered to let him live with her and her bf. It's not like he has nowhere to go. And then there is the issue of him being accountable to no-one. Dh pays his education, and has no recourse or way to find out his grades since he is over 18? Help! I know it's nothing to do with me, but as I told SD, their father and I are concerned for their welfare. Later, DH stated he feels uncomfortable with her, that he is an outsider. That can always change I said. Am I doomed?
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Char, do you remember being 18? Crap, the first thing I wanted to do (and did) was move out of my mother's home and into my own place. I had a job, went to school, and thought I knew EVERYTHING! Ha! You should've seen my first apartment. You could barely turn around in it and it doubled as the Siesta Cockroach Motel. Ugghhh! But, it was better than following the rules at mama's house. Well, it was better until I couldn't afford to live in the rat trap and went running home with my tail between my legs.
My point? How does one gain the life experience that you are talking about? It doesn't come from being told what to do. It comes from the experience of doing it on your own. Chill out (you don't need this s**t right now)!!! Your DH needs to let him spread his wings. If he takes a nosedive, that's the time to offer him a home.
I may be a witch, but the way I see it, BM's job is done. He is at the age of majority. If he can fight in a war, he can take care of himself.
About your DH footing the bill for college. I'd say, show me proof of passing grades or I'm not paying one red cent. If this is too much for him to handle, tell him he can pay for it himself. See how he likes those apples!
I may be callous, but I believe in sink or swim. I'm not saying that I would toss my kids out on their 18th birthday, but I thorougly expect them to be on their own shortly after. I will have spent 18 years training them to be productive members of society. How much more is a parent expected to do? I look at my X MIL. She has 40 y/o twin boys (not men, yet!). Both of those idiots still live at home. When my son turns 40, I hope to be the dreaded MIL and not still mommy.
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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If your husband is paying all his school costs without any recourse or accountability, he is a fool.
This young man is 18. He doesn't want to live with mommy or daddy or big sister and her boyfriend. He wants to have a go at living alone. At 18 he has all the answers and do you really think he wants to come and stay with you and his dad and abide by house rules? You really think this is what he wants?
Young men want the chance to be themselves. They want to prove something to themselves. And getting your knickers in a knot because an 18 yr old who can legally get a girl pregnanty and marry her, smoke and join the military is going to live alone or share with friends is just silly.
I just wonder Char if you feel that you would have done a better job than their mother and regret the chance to bring up these kids properly. Stop stressing over things you cannot change and get on with your recovery. Having a teenager who will not respect your house rules living with you while you are so vulnerable is just asking for trouble.
And take some meds. Only an idiot and a martyr will refuse meds so they can 'go it alone'. I remember taking 2 ADs a day while going theu my divorce. One day I stopped because I didn't need them anymore. I took 1/2 a tab 6 months later while going thru a bad stage and was off my face for a while day. Which proves the ADs helped me while I needed them to function and work. And I certainly knew when i didn't need them anymore... and they are not addictive.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Moi
old hand
Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
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**** About your DH footing the bill for college. I'd say, show me proof of passing grades or I'm not paying one red cent. If this is too much for him to handle, tell him he can pay for it himself. See how he likes those apples! ***
I give a TRIPLE AMEN to that...
Amen
Amen
Amen
And I completly agree with the other posters.... he is a legal adult able to make adult mistakes and learn adult consequences. I moved out when I was 15. Did I screw up? OH YEA!!!! But it's a part of life. People learn from their mistakes.... it is time for him to make his own.
Too many rules push your kids out the door too. My children have been warned of the deal... quit school.. I'll kick you out. Once you graduate you have a few choices...
Move out or stay here. If you stay here you better
A. Be in collage or
B. Have a job and be paying rent (small amount)
You will still live by my rules but they will be a lot more lax. Give them some rope to go learn while slowly packing on the responsibility. But if they want to move out... by all means... BYE BYE!!!! So I guess I am cold too... hehehe.
But Char... you seriously need to detach yourself from this stuff. You sound worse then my husband and HE has a legitimate anxiety disorder. Don't allow yourself to live that way. DETACH DETACH DETACH and do whatever it takes to DETACH whether that is therapy, CBT, meds, etc.
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Every storm cloud has a silver lining. Will you capitalize on it or b*tch about the storm?
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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But, that was basically out of fear that I didn't move out. Oh I rebelled, and stayed out very late when mum was not home. I guess that being raised by someone who was OVERLY protective, I worry about what will happen to them. They are so desparate that their parents communicate, that they don't know whose side to take. DH says neither side, they should treat both parents equally. He feels like an outsider to them now, and says that their mother helped perpetuate that attitide. While he accepts some of his part, he felt that it was better to allow them the time and room to make the choices themselves whether they wanted a relationship or not. He never wanted to put them in the middle, or force them to be with him if they were uncomfortable or upset. They were torn, and middle SD cried so much (she was convinced that her father abused her, how I don't know. It could have been a combination of BM and her ex bf. I know that BM was at a point where she was accusing everyone in her life abusive. It's a pattern, and the daughters are repeating it. I just wish there was more that I could do. AT least the girls tend to talk to me more than their dad. I encourage them to try to talk to him. I need to concentrate on me, I know that. But I can hear my mother in my head when she'd tell me how selfish I am. Guess I need to stop listening.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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And dh agrees that he will have to learn on his own. He is just upset that the mother is just tossing the kids out without any consideration of their situation and moving in with her bf like she's single again. While I understand that she is entitled to her life, why do the kids pay for it? They can't wait to get away from her, and yet we have always had our door open to them if they needed anything. I guess I just forgot what it was like to be that age, and stayed home until I was 39. Sad, but true. I did learn responsibility like paying rent, paying my own bills, and helping around the house. I just don't want the boy to be overwhelmed being on his own, and see him fail. But if that happens, DH will be more than happy to help with whatever resources he has. As of now, I will be finishing up the temp assignment so I will need to concentrate on finding another job. :sigh: Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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out of fear that the kids take a wrong turn, which they all seem to have done at one point or another. I honestly don't know if I could have done better. I would have been there for them, I would have loved them as much as they would allow. I would be concerned for their wellbeing and safety. I know what you are saying, and understand it. I just worry like a "mother". I never realized it would affect me that way. I didn't believe my sister when she'd tell me how she would be. She's been on them for a few years! I'm not an idiot, just believed that the drugs weren't doing me much good. My mistake.
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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I know many young students in college who live on their own or in the dorm....can't he get a PT job and live with student friends or live in the dorm? None of my children lived with me while in college.
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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Being way to strict can raise another breed of children. One of my aunts was strict and as soon as her children turned 18, they left home and went crazy in life. They did everything possible that was bad or wrong....they didn't get it till they were like 25-30.
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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Char, she IS single! She can move in with a man if she wants. As for her children...aren't they grown now???
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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