splats
recently joined
Reged: 01/15/07
Posts: 3
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Here's the situation. Separated 2 years, have 2 kids, 8 year old biological daughter, 12 year old stepson that I formally adopted last June. ( i have been with my son since he was 3 years old. I share custody of both kids with my ex, alternating one week at a time. My daughter has adapted well to the separation. My son has not. He is very angry and desires to be with his dad often. He does not display this behaviour daily, but it does come out in angry episodes about once a month. He has said that he does not want to be here with me. Often calls his dad when things are not going his way. I sense that his dad "tries to fix the problems for him" rather than encourage him to find solutions on his own or discuss ways that he can problem solve effectively. I see a codependancy between the two. Another major concern that I have for my son is that he is very antisocial. Does not have friends calling, spends alot of time by himself, wants to play on the computer or watch tv only. When asked what he wants to do, usually says "nothing". I do encourage him to take part in extra curric. activities and have suggested that we do something together, but he has no desire to do so. He did have friends at the beginning of the school year and seemed very happy and excited about his blossoming social life. That dwindled though and now he seems to constantly need to be entertained when not on the computer or tv. I do limit his time on each. I would like to encourage him to have more fun in his life. He does very well at school, straight As. He seems to rub off on people as being very intelligent and gets along well with adults. He seems to have trouble relating to other kids though and comes across as abrasive. He seems to have nothing that sparks his interest except being with his dad. I would like suggestions about what I can do to help him out. It is not about "winning the war" for me against his dad but is about doing what is best for my son. He seems to see me more as the parent and does despise when i enforce the rules. Dad seems to be the favoured parent. I would like to have a better relationship with my son.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Well, I think I would tell him to pick an activity - any activity and he has to do it for that period of time - whether it is sports, a club like Boy Scouts, Computer Club, choir, debating club, etc. He must have an activity each quarter.
It seems like you and Dad need to get on the same page with this kid and don't let him try to get between the two of you. Maybe you need to call Dad and the two of you get together - out in public someplace - and discuss this issue calmly. Maybe Dad doesn't realize what is going on (and, then again, maybe he does).
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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I had a similar situation with my 12-year-old son; only he went through his angry stage at 11.
I am not sure what helped the most but here is some of what I "think" turned things around.
1. Family therapy for 9yr old, 12yr old, and myself. We have a "play therapist,” so there is always a game of something going on (it takes away the intensity of having to talk "eye to eye").
I have learned to be less of a "butt wiper" (not much less but getting better at giving them independence). They are learning to deal with change and not all change is bad.
Therapy is not instantaneous. Some of what is said might not sink in for years. It is just another opportunity to plant the “seeds of their success.”
With pubescents and adolescents, I believe that what you want them to do is to make “conscious decisions”, not to just follow the crowd, or just zone out with video games, or just “react.” This is the stage where they need to make conscious choices based on options and consequences.
2. I got one of his teachers to take a personal interest.
He said, "You know N, I coach volleyball after school, I am short a helper to assist keeping score and with logistics, do you think you could help me out just for today?"
He ended up trying out for the team and has gone ever since.
THEN the same teacher arranged for the computer teacher to short of "run into them" in the hallway. He got to talking about his problems in the computer lab and the teacher said "You know N, you are so good at games and stuff, I bet you would be a real help down there".
Things took off from there, he joined the media club, and he now produces the TV broadcast of the school's weekly news show.
He has a nice group of friends even a few friends that are "girls.”
Lastly, we talk a lot. I don't know if parents are supposed to pretend to be all knowing and perfect but I don't.
For instance, I am a procrastinator. Something, he gets in big trouble for at school. We laugh, we try to change, and we then both pull all-nighters getting our school projects done.
I tell him when I make mistakes and I apologize.
He knows he and his brother always come first with me. That I do not judge people and that I love unconditionally.
Twelve is such a great and important developmental age. I hope you can get through to him.
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splats
recently joined
Reged: 01/15/07
Posts: 3
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Hello Thank you for your ideas. I did meet with dad yesterday for coffee to talk specifically about our son. This meeting seemed to go well as we are both on the same page that son needs to be busier in his life and become more independant in developing his own network of friends and activities. Presently, son is isolating himself and chooses to only have time for dad. As well, we did agree that we are both going to meet again with our son to discuss these issues. I do sense that Dad and I want the same things for our son. However, when son is at dad's house, he is more happy in general. I am also reading a book on encouraging positive changes in his behaviour, such as cooperation, generosity, manners, respecting other people, and improving his people skills in general. Basically, I know that my son has the ability to demonstrate these positive skills. It is just that for some reason, he chooses not to more often than usual lately. The book that I am reading is called "Don't give me that Attitude!" by Michele Borba. I will keep you updated as to how this situations evolves.
Thanks
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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It may be that your son wants to live with Dad now (age thing). Just for consideration, why don't you let him try it out for 1 year with you having standard visitation rights or whatever you and ex can work out. Just a suggestion to think about.
Also, it sounds like he may have some depression going on - what do you think?
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splats
recently joined
Reged: 01/15/07
Posts: 3
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Hello
Here is my update. Dad, son and I met to discuss the issues. Dad spoke for son and said that son wants to keep the arrangement still the same however, he would like the right to make decision about where he spends time as it comes up. e.g if son wants to spend extra time with either parent, then he can do so. I agreed that he is old enough to make his own decisions about where he wants to be. I also said that son needs to lighten up and have more fun in his life getting out of the house more on his own with friends and hobbies besides tv and computer. Therefore for the past couple of weeks, when son is at my home, he has chosen to go spend both weekends with his dad instead. I am definitely hurt by this but I try not to show it. I feel as though I am not appreciated for what I do for son. So, as I see it, the likely turn of events will be that son gradually spends more time with dad. I guess that I can't complain as I have had 2 equal years with him since the separation. I do think that he is depressed as what i see when he is home is that he does not have any passion to get involved with others. Dad thinks that he is great as dad does not see these issues at his home. Dad was to look into extra curric for son, however, now he has said that there is no issue and that son is happy as is. I am frustrated as I do think that son is isolating himself still. Dad thinks that son is happy doing as he does, lots of computer time and lots of tv. I am not willing to accept that this is all that son has in his life. Should I accept the situation as is? Or should I pursue getting third party involved? Totally uncertain what to do as I don't want to severe what is left of relationship with son. thank you for letting me vent.
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nurseatheart
recently joined
Reged: 10/18/06
Posts: 21
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Hi Splats,
I don't know how things are going for you, but I think that if your son is spending more and more time in front of a TV, and on the computer at his dad's house, then he is not benefiting from being at dad's. It is obvious that your ex is simply humoring your son, allowing him to do the things that you have already identified at your house as being harmful if in excess. I would talk again to the father. Sure your son is happy, he bypassed you, and went to dad to get what he wanted. Now he will be even more unlikely to develop outside interests, he is becoming obsessed with the computer. Sounds just like my BF's daughter - go back and forth between the parents until you get what you want. Great thing for them to learn - don't you think?
I wish you luck.
Nurse
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