TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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When it come to adult children, who is responsible for maintaining the relationship?
Is all the parents responsibility?
Do the kids reach an age where you say...hey it's up to them to keep contact with me?
Does it have to be a joint effort?
Do you feel like it is different in divorced family situations??
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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I am looking forward to all the responses. I honestly feel like DH and I have to work 10X's harder to maintain relationships with his older children, than say I do with my parents (intact family.) This is mainly due to their mother's behavior and guilt trips. She tries to monopolize every holiday and GOD forbid they stay with us for a holiday, they get nothing but grief.
My older SS (the one who may be having a baby that we are not supposed to know about yet) hasn't contacted his dad in a long time. DH called twice and e-mailed twice in the past 6 months and has not gotten a response. He is at the point of saying forget it...he can call me if and when he wants to. He is 22 years old. We sent christmas's presents for him, his GF and her child and never got a thank you...nothing.
This is a new development with Older SS. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the years, but never NO contact from him. What should DH do??
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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I stay in contact with all of my children. How my ex decides to conduct his relationship with the children is up to him. So far he isn't doing so well but time will tell.
If they are not there (my 2 oldest shre the same house) I will leave a message and tell them I will call back the next day and tell them the time. Then if I do not hear from them I will drop them an email. And then call the following week at the same time.
I have this knack of knowing if something is wrong. I can't sleep and toss and turn and feel quite ill. And then I get a phone call with some problem.
And so far they always return my calls. When my son was walking on the wild side I would just leave a message to let him know I was thinking about him and loved him to bits. Apparently it was these calls that held him together thru some dark times.
I think the same thing applies to non-blended families. Not all parents are good communicators and there is always one who makes the effort and one who is the silent one.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Dee78
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11820
Loc: TN
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It has been almost 6 months since I've talked to my mom. Her phone gets disconnected so often that I can't keep up with her number so I pretty much expect her to call me when she can or at least call my grandmother and have her call me.
I have thought about her here recently, she just had a birthday this month. I've thought about going to see her but I don't know where she lives. I end up making other plans.
So I guess neither of us are making time for each other. But I do think that's what it takes. Parent and child have to make the effort to keep the relationship going, then again we never had a relationship to start with. I have made the effort in the past to try to mend our relationship but it hasn't lasted.
My dad's gf, OTOH, hardly a day goes by that I don't talk to her. I might talk to my dad once a week, if that. I see her every other week when I take the girls to her. I might go a month or more without seeing my dad, but he knows that I'll be in town and where I'll be so he does occasionally come to see me and Lil E.
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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[quote]When it come to adult children, who is responsible for maintaining the relationship? The adult child and parent together jointly. You can't have a 1 sided relationship.
Do you feel like it is different in divorced family situations?? [/quote] Nope, same. Why would it be different if the adult child's parents were divorced.
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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[quote]It has been almost 6 months since I've talked to my mom. Her phone gets disconnected so often that I can't keep up with her number so I pretty much expect her to call me when she can or at least call my grandmother and have her call me.
Ever hear of writing a letter? Drop her a line and maybe she'll write back. I had a family member not write to me in months then when I sent them my Christmas card, they wrote back stating their address book was destroyed.
I have thought about her here recently, she just had a birthday this month. I've thought about going to see her but I don't know where she lives. I end up making other plans.
You don't know where she lives? Ok if, you don't have a phone or an address on her, it is 100% up to mom.
>>>So I guess neither of us are making time for each other. But I do think that's what it takes. Parent and child have to make the effort to keep the relationship going, then again we never had a relationship to start with. I have made the effort in the past to try to mend our relationship but it hasn't lasted.
Sounds like a 1 sided relationship, one that doens't work.
>>>My dad's gf, OTOH, hardly a day goes by that I don't talk to her. I might talk to my dad once a week, if that. I see her every other week when I take the girls to her. I might go a month or more without seeing my dad, but he knows that I'll be in town and where I'll be so he does occasionally come to see me and Lil E. [/quote]
Sounds like you have a good relationship with her. Call your maternal grandma up and see if she knows where your mom is...maybe you can start there, otherwise doesn't look like she wants a relationship with you. You can't have something the other party doesn't want.
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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Dee78
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11820
Loc: TN
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I have her MIL's phone number and I can call there and tell them to have her call when she can. I know that she lives within 10 minutes from there, she use to live on their property but doesn't any longer.
But I just got tired of it being one sided. I honestly don't want my children in the homes that she chooses to live in. The last "house" she was in was so infested by fleas that her DH got blood poisoning. So needless to say, that's why I don't visit her at her house. I don't really like going to her MILs but it is slightly better and I have taken my daughters there.
She lives somewhat between here and my hometown, but about 30 miles off the other side of the interstate. I might try to get with her on my way back home next Tuesday. I will call my grandmother and see if she has a new phone number for her. I will pick her up and we can go to a fast food restaurant with a playground.
Like I said, neither of us have put forth the effort in recent months. But I tend to agree with you that she just doesn't want the relationship, this has been the relationship since I was 7 years old. We rarely knew where she was living or her phone number. She would call out of the blue and say she'd come get us but usually didn't show.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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As an adult child, I have tried many times to establish a relationship with my father. The closest that I have ever been to him is when I went to his church. But, for a chic that was raised Methodist, it was too weird for me (they speak in tongues, scream, and carry-on). When I stopped going, it really let him down. That let-down was just one on my long list of sins. Since then (8 or so years), we have been back at square one. He acknowledges that he has a daughter and I acknowledge that I have a father, but that's it. Maybe if one time in my life, he ever just said I love you things would be different. But, it's always, I love you BUT....It's the "but" that always gets me.
I don't really know what the situation is between your SS and his father. Could dad be placing conditions on his love without realizing it?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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I sent you a PM as it is a longgggg story. LOL
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I spend a lot more time trying to facillitate a relationship with my dad than he does. We would go months without speaking until I'd call and yes, it got very annoying. Things changed last year when he started coming over after school and watching the girls two of the days a week they were with me. Since we saw each other all the time things got better and it no longer feels so one sided. He turned 77 last week so I guess I feel like it's now or never and I want my kids to have good memories of their grandpa when he's gone. Sometimes it's worth it to just bite the bullet and do what has to be done. It should never fall on either side alone no matter what the relationship, but sometimes one person has to be bigger and do what they know is best.
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