FBR
recently joined
Reged: 01/21/07
Posts: 8
|
|
Background:
Married for 10 years as of May 2007. Lived together for 13.
2 children with one on the way, ages 5, 3 and one coming along.
I love my wife, but I am not "in" love with her.
My kids are the greatest thing that I have ever experienced.
My have similar education
She is a stay at home mom and is an excellent mother.
She is more of a social butterfly, where I am more reserved and am perfectly comfortable being a loner.
I have not had an affair, however I do have a few friendships with women that my wife would not like I am sure. Did I mention I have not had sexual relations with these women?
**********************************************************
For the most part we have had a pretty good relationship, but it seems that every 4 month or so we have some kind of major blow-up or issue. I call these the "Make your husband cry and say he needs to change" talks.
I don't really want to change anything major about me, nor do I feel it should be expected by someone else.
I can be a pain in the neck I am sure, but I don't think I am a bad husband either. A few examples....
- I do not have a "Boys" night out more than twice a quarter...if that.
I don't participate in any league activities to the exclusion of my spouse...no softball, bowling etc.
I do not smoke....and I hardly ever drink enough to get a buzz....maybe a 12 pack in the span of a 2 months.
She does not use sex as a tool, if anything I am the one who does not pursue it.
It feels like we have grown apart. We live together we are together...etc. But I certainly do not feel "In love" anymore. Lots of things drive me insane it seems.
We nitpick one another, but we don't yell or scream or anything physical...
Do people just evolve away from one another? And is this a reason to split?
I think I would get taken to the cleaners in court...only because I hate confrontation and her parents are wealthy. There is also a very vindictive angry gene that she seems to have inherited from her father.
I get along with her family very well, no issues there.
I guess this is like ramblings but I find it easier to type than talk.
|
Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
|
|
You need to start talking rather than writing. The best venue would appear to be couples' counseling.
People can grow apart in marriages or one can grow beyond the other while they remain static but that's not necessarily a good reason to throw in the towel.
Right now she's pregnant with your child. her hormones are raging and you're looking at another mouth to feed and added responsibility. If ever there was a time NOT to make any life-changing choices and decisions it's now.
As for the nit-picking, just knawk it awf! Nothing and no one is served by it.
--------------------
What me worry. I'm retired!
|
Cheryl_D
newbie
Reged: 06/13/05
Posts: 35
|
|
Hi Newbie!
I liked your post. Why? I don'tknow. It just struck me as having been there, having done that and a bit in the 'If I had known then what I know now" part of me.
I too lived in a scenerio where my husband lived in one partof the house and the children and I lived in the other. I really wanted him to open up and let me into his world when "I was able to have him there because of my busy schedule of raising the children." Boy am I kicking myself in the rear for not putting out a greatere effort to have him in my life more often. I have been divorced from him now for over three years and we were separated for five years. We lived together for four years and were married nine and a half. And even today, as he is re married, I still miss him. I don't outright love him. I just miss what he was. And as much as I have to remember I have been hurt by the divorce, my children are hurt even more. I search for peace in my lonliness by searching out definitions and the ultimate design of marriage and the purpose of 'love'. And one of the most striking definitions I have come across falls into your catagory of living. It goes like this, Love is standing face to face with another, allowing the winds of heaven to blow between the two of you, watching the other fall away, and adoring the way they work to regain their position. Life gets messy. Life gets boring. But allow yourself the eyes to watch each of you regain your position in 'love' Gets some therapy. Do more simple family time, But don't turn away and not allow yourselves to fall back into love without there being a cause so difficult you two can not come to terms with and is a real deal breaker.
|
FBR
recently joined
Reged: 01/21/07
Posts: 8
|
|
Quote:
Right now she's pregnant with your child. her hormones are raging and you're looking at another mouth to feed and added responsibility. If ever there was a time NOT to make any life-changing choices and decisions it's now.
First of all, I am a totally committed and very good father. Just as she is a totally committed and very good mother.
I am torn between staying in the relationship as it is, and suffering personally for the sake of my kids. They are the most important thing. BUT...they are smart too and can tell if things are not rosy.
As far as talking versus typing?? Come on now...my first post that is very poor advice. If it were that easy I would have done it.
|
Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
|
|
Just a couple (okay....a few) of questions....
Your post implies that you have some sort of relationship with other women that your wife is not privy to. Under what circumstances are these relationships? Why does she not know about them? What wouldn't she like about them?
What does she gripe about during your "blow-ups?"
What drives you insane?
Yes...I think people drift apart. But just the same....I think with some effort the tide can be turned. However....not if you're emotionally involved elsewhere.
You would get taken to the proverbial cleaners because you're approaching a "long-term" marriage, you have a stay-at-home wife and 2.5 very young children.
You're right in that you shouldn't be expected to change because someone else tells you to. But...there's a lot to be said for changing because you'd like to be truly happy. Maybe it's just me, but what I "sense" from your post is a place of apathy....and that's your enemy.
|
Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
|
|
If you don't like the advice, don't take it but that doesn't mean it's poor. It simply means it doesn't fit your perception of where you are, what you can do and what, if any, good it will accomplish.
Since you're new here I would caution you not to challenge or attempt to demean those who just might have a bit more experience in such matters than you do at this point. Questioning is fine. Belittling is not. It might make some of us simply have done with you and offer nothing thought-provoking or helpful.
Since you obviously have it all figured out, what's your question?
--------------------
What me worry. I'm retired!
|
shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
|
|
I must confess that I've never been in a "dead" marriage (just an angry one), but I've heard that about 10-15 hours a week dedicated to each other works wonders and is currently working wonders for my marriage.
If you want this thing to fall apart it will, if you want it to prosper it will. You just have to make the decision. You must know by now that you'll get out of your marriage what you put into it, but have probably just forgotten because life got in the way.
Read some "restoring dead marriage" books (some books suck so do a little homework first) and take them seriously, get a good counselor, take two pills and call me in the morning.
--------------------
--
Spamalicious Signature
http://www.glassgloves.com
|
Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
|
|
Well, have you ever thought that maybe your wife might love you, but not be “in love” with you? Honestly I wish people would stop watching romantic movies… or whatever it is from popular culture that makes people believe that they’re supposed to somehow magically stay “in-love” with their spouse for the rest of their lives. I promise, it doesn’t work that way. Those “in-love” chemicals are only there to get people together in the first place. After those chemicals are gone, then it’s up to you both to develop a relationship that’s about more than lust and wanting.
I’m not going to address the individual things you listed because frankly, EVERYONE has that stuff. (Not kidding here; EVERYONE.) So, instead I’ll just give you a picture of your life in the next few years should you choose to go the “easy” route. (HA! Divorce is probably THE hardest route there is!)
It will start with you moving out. No more tucking your kids into bed every night… smelling their sweet breath and hearing all the cute things they say. No more sitting down to dinner as a family. Nope, you’ll have to get used to the fact that you broke up your kids’ home basically because you were bored.
Then you’ll have to gear up for the fight of your life. Divorce is adversarial by design. You already have an idea that your wife won’t just roll over and make this easy on you. Nope, you’ll be fighting over things for at least two years. You’ll be supporting yourself and your wife and kids – do you have a lot of money left over at the end of each month? You’re going to need it. Paying for two homes, two electric bills, two cable bills, and don’t forget two lawyers… hope you’re rich.
Are you prepared to have your wife dating other men? How about visiting your kids every couple of days? How about having other men around helping to raise your children? If you think that’s no big deal, you really should read the Step-parenting board – it also might help to read some of the others like Child Support and Custody/Visitation – you’ll get an idea of what a picnic divorce can be. Are you ready to be without your kids on their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. etc. Are you ready to have problems crop up every time there’s an event like a school play, graduation or weddings?
Back on the single’s scene. Getting a profile set up on match.com and going on dozens of dates – telling your “sad little divorce” story to everyone. (As a single woman out there dating, I can tell you from experience, a man with three kids under the age of 6 is NOT the sort of catch most women are looking for. Know why? Because most of your income will be going to support your “old” family and not just for a few years either, we’re talking 18! Any women your age will be likely looking for a man she can settle down and have children with – is that what you want? Another family?)
Dude, I sure hope I’ve given you something to think about. If you’re not happy, don’t blame your wife. Go to counseling and start figuring out what you can do to serve your family and be a better husband and father. Good luck.
--------------------
"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
|
Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
|
|
Yes those movies... and they are what they are... just made up stories.
The newness of a relationship wears off and all of sudden someone is not "in love" any longer. IMO... there is a lot of lust loving out there, but that does not equal real love.
You painted a good picture of what divorce will be like. As to the match.com thing... he could just omit the whole divorce and 3 kids from his profile quite easily. That would get him around the kids and CS issue with any prospects... just so easy to do.
DIvorce IS hard on kids, no matter what their age is. It has been hard on our son and he was 23 when EX was no longer "in love". He watched a lot of movies on TV... and he left 2 days before he turned 55.
It seems to me that way too many people are just ready to give up and don't really try to save a marriage. And the kids, who did not ask for any of it, pay the worst price.
--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19801
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
You're talking about "lust", NOT "love" when you're talking about biological (phermones) reactions.
My grandparents...both sets...were still "in-love" with each other when one of them died.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
