Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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And be "in-love" is what has kept my SO and I together through some simply awful times.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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 Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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"Honestly I wish people would stop watching romantic movies… or whatever it is from popular culture that makes people believe that they’re supposed to somehow magically stay “in-love” with their spouse for the rest of their lives. I promise, it doesn’t work that way. Those “in-love” chemicals are only there to get people together in the first place. After those chemicals are gone, then it’s up to you both to develop a relationship that’s about more than lust and wanting."
I couldn't disagree more. If someone is naive enough to base a relationship completely on "lust and wanting" in the first place, then it's likely true. Certainly, some people do....especially the young and hormonal. But I think many, many people have learned not to settle for just a physical attraction, and hopefully...have learned not to "settle" at all. Sometimes, I think the popular choice of giving in to the "lust and wanting" prior to developing a noteworthy relationship can be the culprit.
Staying "in-love" with your spouse or SO takes work. It takes a desire to maintain. It's soooooo worth it!
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Sometimes, I think the popular choice of giving in to the "lust and wanting" prior to developing a noteworthy relationship can be the culprit.
---> I agree. LordGecko and I waited until AFTER we got to know one another, until AFTER we made a committment to each other BEFORE we had sex.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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FBR
recently joined
Reged: 01/21/07
Posts: 8
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Quote:
Well, have you ever thought that maybe your wife might love you, but not be “in love” with you?
Absolutely, it honestly does not bother me that much.
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You’ll be supporting yourself and your wife and kids – do you have a lot of money left over at the end of each month? You’re going to need it. Paying for two homes, two electric bills, two cable bills, and don’t forget two lawyers… hope you’re rich.
I am financially able to provide 2 homes and a quality life for two families...yes.
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Are you prepared to have your wife dating other men?
Yes...that would be no big deal, I am not a jealous person.
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Dude, I sure hope I’ve given you something to think about.
Absolutely, thats why I came here to discuss this with others in a similar situation
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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I take it that because she is a stay-at-home mom, your idea of a quality life for two families is, she stays with three kids younger than 5 that need assistance in EVERYTHING and day to day parenting for at least the next FIFTEEN to EIGHTEEN years, while you pursue your career and your soulmate idea. So, your life will be, 'I will be with the kids whenever I have the time' and she will live 'I will have time for myself (and a possible soulmate), whenever Daddy is ready to take over', right?
That sounds like a lot of quality.... for YOU. But hardly for your wife and the kids. Kids do not take 100%, they take 150% out of a parent - and I am not talking about money.
One should think that once an adult decides to have three kids, he has made a decision that now he is in the giving phase of his life, and that he enjoys giving and sharing and nurturing. That he is no longer primarily about himself.
I guess you know that the quality of a kid's life is not guaranteed through money. And no, the quality of your kids' life is not guaranteed either, because you feel happier far away from them with someone else.
Money makes noone feel loved. Money does not take you in their arms when you wake up from a nightmare. Money does not help you when you struggle with all the little things in life people struggle with every day.
You should really take time out and THINK. A weekend Daddy with a paycheck is not a lot, when you are the kid of a devastated mother who would need healing herself, but has to heal three little broken hearts instead.
You don't want to sacrifice your happiness o n l y for your kids. But they are intelligent, they will understand that being there for them and their mother did not make you happy enough. Yeah, a 5- and a 3- year old and a baby surely will understand that.
THINK once again about what it is you are writing.
You are fooling yourself.
Edited by HO2 (01/23/07 06:13 AM)
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I'm not sure what you're "discussing," exactly. It seems more like you're working on your defense for wanting to dump your wife. If your mind is made up....why ask?
Your wife deserves better. She deserves something more than someone who treats her like a brood mare knowing that he's not in love with her, thinks his job is done with the bank is full, and invests emotionally elsewhere.
Your kids deserve better. One of your most important jobs as a parent is to model healthy relationships for them, teach them what loving someone is supposed to be like, and show them what kind of men they should be....or marry someday.
Leave now, while your kids are still little. You can be a Disneyland daddy, and a real man, who places his family above all else, can marry her and be the role model they need. It'll be nice to have someone else read them bedtime stories and pay catch in the yard and such. What a load off your back.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Since none of this "bothers" you and you have the logistics all worked out you might as well leave now and spare your wife the demeaning and unhappy existence of being married to someone so cold and unemotional. That will free her to one day find a man capable of love and deep commitment. I would guess that your children would benefit from that as well. They could use a good role model of what being a husband and family man is all about.
The "me" generation strikes again!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I think we need to clarify one point, though, before we go further. To some people "in love" is the giddy, lustful feelings they have when they've recently met someone and are strongly attracted to them. And a little further down the road, when the relationship has taken a more committed turn and things are looking very positive. But as soon as there is a downswing in their feelings, they claim to not be "in love."
Some will actually quote the oxymoron, "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
What makes you say that you are not "in love" with your wife? Do you still have positive feelings about her well-being? That is do you wish only good things happen to her? Or do you find yourself wishing she would get hit by a truck?
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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"The "me" generation strikes again!"
Okay....I'm SO tired of hearing this phrase, and exceptionally tired of being judged based on a pop-culture phrase made popular by today's media, of all entities. The vast majority of people I know (my friends...the "me" generation) are honest, dedicated, hard-working folks....just like every other generation.
And honestly...if we're going to point fingers at a particular generation....who raised the "me" generation?
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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Hi Nancy,
Good post about the "in-love" thing. Yes, many people see it differently. When I started dating my husband, I had those "in-love" (lust, chemicals, whatever) feelings, but I KNEW they would fade after time and that what would replace that is true love - the kind that you make a choice to do because you made a committment. My parents were married over 60 years and they in no way kept that "in-love" feeling through their marriage. But, they kept thier vows and committments because they knew that was more important than romance. (To me, the most romantic thing I've ever seen is my father caring for my mom after she broke her hip. She got sick, needy and frankly unattractive. Did my father leave because he wasn't in-love anymore? Hell no. He was devoted to her until the day she died.)
My twin sister is going through this stuff right now. Her husband told her almost a year ago, he loves her but he isn't in-love with her anymore. She tried counseling for a few months and realized she had to just let him go, so she did. Fast forward 6 months, her husband can't stand it. He doesn't want the divorce now and almost weekly comes to the house crying and begging for her to take him back. At this point she can't get past the way he treated her and she is content to go on with the divorce. Funny how the tables turned. He wasn't in-love with her anymore and now he's regretting ever telling her that!
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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
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