MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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Looks like things are about to change. My husband called me this morning to say that his oldest called him at work; asking questions about the divorce and what has happened since and their staying away from him etc. Seems like the oldest is doing some serious thinking and wants my husband to back up what he states so....the oldest will be coming over tonight to read my husband's file on the divorce and everything. Looks like he will finally see the truth on what his mom has been doing to them all of these years....( hate to be her right now)
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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I hope it goes well for you guys. I know when my older SD came to us with questions, it was very emotional and VERY hard to not completely bash her mother. You have to speak carefully and give her the truth, but be aware that this will be very hard for her to digest.
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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mommynurse
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Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Mary, is there anyway that the complete anhilation of mom can be avoided? Yea, I know, mom has worked OT to destroy the relationship the father has with the kids. I get that! But, I'm thinking that filling the kids (even the older ones) on all the sordid details is a really bad idea.
I may be the only one thinking this way, but I don't think revenge is all that sweet. I think that I would encourage dad to simply say, you know, mom made some mistakes. You are here with me now and the past doesn't matter. Can't we just move forward from here?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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The key is to answer her questions as honestly as possible from Dad's perspective. Even if he knows Mom's motives, etc. It's best to not speculate on them, rather send them BACK to mom with questions for her.
Having gone through this with SD, I can tell you it was very important for her to hear some of the things she did. She had been told that her father did not contribute enough money or pay for certain things he did pay for. DH was able to show her he did pay thousands per month. We never bashed her mother, in fact we often made excuses for her (still do.)
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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YahYah
old hand
Reged: 06/16/04
Posts: 1081
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and divorce papers can be considered a form of Parental Alienation.
However, if the kids are older - 18 or older, I would suspect it wouldn't be.
Just wanted to throw that in there. I'm not really familiar with your story in full terms.
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Take the scenic route. Live without regret.
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MaryWhoCares
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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....I would think that what his mom did was alienation as she lied and kept the children from him and our side of the family.....telling the truth alienation??? I highly doubt it. BTW, the oldest is 22 yo. He NOW understands alot going on...he isn't done readng though...he is not happy with mom however...
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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...my husband really let the son just get the whole file out ( alot of stuff) and just read...he started in the begining and when he had questions my husband told the truth. He isn't done reading but so far, he is not happy with mom...
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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Are you kidding? You want the children to be lied to foever and not have their father in their lives and not know the truth...you think that is healthy? I think knowing the truth and knowing what really happened...is the way to go. If mom can't deal with what she did, then she should not of done it. Making a mistake or two is normal and human nature but going all out to alienate the father out of your children's lives and lie to them daily is NOT a mistake...
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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MaryWhoCares
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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It obvoiusly was important for my stepson to learn the complete truth. He already knew that his mom was hiding something and lied. As he was going through the files he was pretty shocked. Every Jany my husband would get a complete history of his CS account so he was able to see clearly that he did pay CS and on a regular basis. he read many letters of correspondance between the parents and he is learning that mom really did a conn game on the whole family...he isn't done reading but I can tell you this...he is not happy with mom and apoligized for his own behavior in continuing his alienation, hatred and anger towards us. He gave his siblings here a major hug and told them he was really sorry too....( although they don't know exactually why he is here but they knew he was in our bedroom going through "stuff").
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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will also want to "see" the truth. He has plenty of documentation, including the temp orders their mom NEVER followed after he filed for emergency custody of middle SD 4 years ago. He also has letters to the BOE complaining about the school's failure to produce complete school records. He had been there several times, and asked in WRITING to be informed of any issues pertaining to the kids. B/C mom's then bf and probably now too was listed as emergency contact (never DAD), nothing was ever said about SD's truancy. So I totally understand and am THRILLED that your SK is finally seeing the truth. Good luck and ((HUGS))
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