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blondie77
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Reged: 06/14/05
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not to sound like a broken record
      #194334 - 02/01/07 08:48 AM

Hi everyone. You guys have been really kind to me. I appreciate that. I am not wanting to sound like a broken record. I just don't know how i am going to move past these feelings. I have made an appointment with the counselor, but only for me.

I think, honestly, I don't like my husband. I don't like him at all. I think he is a shallow man. The fact that for the past 6 years he treated me as less than a person has made me really angry. I guess now because I am "thin and pretty again", it really makes me mad that he is treating me better.

The fact is he was ashamed of me. He was ready to leave me and the kids. Now he doesn't want to leave and is jealous of me. It just ticks me off. I am the same person, just not depressed anymore. I am alot stronger.

I cannot talk to him about it because these are ugly things about him that he cannot deal with so he turns it into an argument. I want to go to counseling alone, because I don't want to talk about it in front of him.

I know I sound really angry, but it is because I am. I am a good person. I never deserved some of the stuff he did. Yet, now I am supposed to be sooo thankful he stayed and our marriage stayed together.

I do love him. I just don't think he is a very nice person. In fact I think he is very cruel and mean. I don't honestly know how to move on from these feelings now.

I have become so much more active than I used to be. I want to take some classes such as karate, etc to just have fun. The thing is I want to take them by myself. He wants to come too. I used to want to spend all of my time with him and he would be angry about it. He wanted to leave me at home(because he was ashamed of me) and go play basketball with his buddies every Friday night...the same night we had a standing baby sitter. Yet now, he wants to follow me to every activity.

I know I need to move past the anger and to be thankful we are still together. I just don't know how. Hopefully the counselor will help.

Thanks guys for letting me vent.


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shohn
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Re: not to sound like a broken record [Re: blondie77]
      #194513 - 02/01/07 02:01 PM

your hubby kind of sounds like me about a year ago. my wife hated me too.

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HO2
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Re: not to sound like a broken record [Re: blondie77]
      #194528 - 02/01/07 02:20 PM

I posted this morning, but then deleted the post again. I was afraid that what I had written would hurt you. Anyway, let me start:

I believe what you describe, withdrawing and getting aggressive when not happy is nothing but typical male behaviour in times of stress.

Furthermore I feel that it is far too easy to say....if a partner gets resentful when I gain 85lbs, then he is simply mean and shallow.

When your partner just keeps gaining more and more weight without making much of an effort to lose it, you end up feeling that he/she simply thinks you are not 'worth' the effort. You become jealous of other people when you feel that their spouse does something for them that yours does not try to do for you: make an effort to be attractive. To top it all, you get stupid remarks from 'well-meaning' friends and relatives, remarks that these people do not dare confronting your partner with.
Everything from 'you are too lenient, I would say something, what a loser are you that you cannot put your foot down and say, stop eating'...over sorrowful ...'is your marriage not going well, your spouse must be so unhappy with you, if he/she puts on so much weight'...to reproachful...'what junk do you guys buy, don't you care about your partner's health'. Does that surprise you now that your partner might have had to swallow mean stuff from other people?

It is not a nice mixture to feel that your partner does not care enough about you to make an effort for you and to be aggressed by others about it. And let me add that at times one can end up feeling like a failure. Culpabilizing. Which does not help with resentment issues.

If on top of that you were depressed back then, that tells me that you were probably not very available emotionally. This is not a reproach at all, but depression makes everyone very self-centered and depression tends to distort everything around. It is very hard to deal with and some divorce over this.

And as if all of this would not already have been enough, there were severe financial problems! All I can say is: I respect both of you very much for having gone through all this without breaking apart as a couple.

I hope you will come to enjoy that your husband is proud of you and wants to be with you. I hope you will be able to move past the anger. And I hope your husband and you will be able to get closer again.

Edited by HO2 (02/01/07 02:29 PM)


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blondie77
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Re: not to sound like a broken record [Re: HO2]
      #194579 - 02/01/07 03:30 PM

You did not hurt my feelings at all and most of what you said is very true. Thank you for reminding me. I have at times forgotten that I had a major part in our problems also. Some of the things that he has done since I have lost the weight have really hurt.

It is a miracle that we made it through the times we have. I guess for me I am angry because personally, I do not see weight and stuck by him when he was overweight. I have never been ashamed of him.

The depression was awful and i know he suffered as well. I am not sure he didn't have some depression going on too. I just want to get past feeling like if I mess up or gain weight, etc. then I will be left behind. I want the security of knowing he loves me for me, not what I look like. I don't know that he can give me that security. Maybe time will change all of that.

Thanks for your post.


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blondie77
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Re: not to sound like a broken record [Re: shohn]
      #194581 - 02/01/07 03:30 PM

what changed? How did she move past it.

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shohn
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Re: not to sound like a broken record [Re: blondie77]
      #194628 - 02/01/07 05:42 PM

Well we were basically like two ships passing each other in the night. She didn't like me much because I was basically male and "right" all the time and not a very good family man - I worked all the time, I thought she complained too much and I never really minded sharing that with her and often I said things way too callous.

Then we almost got divorced (she filed) and right as I almost lost her I finally woke up and realized what was going on. A lot of it was me - so I fixed me for the most part - still a little rough around the edges, but my intentions are sincere.

Then after several months of learning everything I could about relationships, God, etc. I realized even as mean as she was at the time - she was still my wife and it was my job to take care of my wife - afterall that's what wife means. Then she started to realize I was sincere and came to the conclusion that her expectations were too high - after all I'm just a man. That is really it in a nut shell. We now actively "work" on our marriage and it has been the most awesome experience I've ever had - even more so than watching the kids being born.

Anyway - the bottom line is you've got to realize your spouse has faults. Nobody is perfect - and you've also got to realize that there are two points of view here and he is seeing it from a man's most likely and you a woman's. You have to understand the differences between the two genders. Some of it will apply - but then some may not because everyone is still unique.

Then hopefully you realize that his weaknesses are also strengths at times and the same for you and if you work at it you offset each others weaknesses. It is all really pretty simple, but I think life gets in the way and people forget why they married.

Anyway - just search my posts - I've certainly wrote a novel by now - my posts outline several themes that I've learned from reading, way too much counseling, and one heck of a roller coaster ride. If I had to do it all over again - the roller coaster was worth it just for me to wake up. It's an old story - go look up the history of the song "Amazing Grace" and you might better understand.

Try to understand your man and then put it into practice and try not to expect too much out of him, afterall he's just a guy Reading up is the best suggestion I have. Read all you can - and ask your counselor for "solutions" not ways to make you feel better.

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