tandert
recently joined
Reged: 02/01/07
Posts: 4
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So, I don't really even know where to begin, or what to expect. I got married at 18. I am now 21 and I have been selfish and wanting to experience life. But of course I am married and it's wrong that I flirt and see other people.
Let me start a little more from the beginning....
we knew each other for 2 years before we got married. he is from Germany and his visa was running out and so we decided that we should just get married instead of waiting. He has never had a girlfriend before and therefore never had any experience sexually. I didn't expect him to be great of course but I soon got tired of holding his hand, telling him every step. After a year I started hating sex. We argued and I stopped communicating. He over-communicated. There is absolutely no intimacy between us. We haven't had sex in 4 months and I can barely stand the site of him. He constantly tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful but I feel nothing. I get annoyed when he tells me actually. Before I was married I was overweight. Then I lost 100lbs before and while we were married. So now I am getting attention I never had before and being the selfish ass I am right now I love it. So to make a long story short I went to a bar on the Bears game. He was going to come with me but didn't want to stay. I stayed there by myself and guys started offering to buy me drinks and I ended up going home with one. And now we are seeing each other. But I know that he is not a long term guy because he is an ass but he is absolutely incredible in bed. I told my husband and being the passive person he is he said he forgave me and doesn't want a divorce. But I am not sure what I want and whether or not the marriage is worth saving. Yes he has a lot of great qualities but I feel nothing for him. And I am not sure how I can get that feeling back. I really have been enjoying being flirty and the attention. I'm not saying I want to go out and sleep with everyone but I do want to go out on dates and be 21! I really have no clue on what to do. I know what I want but it might not be the right thing. If anyone can give me some suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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The right thing to do would be to divorce your husband THEN go out and experience the life you say you want.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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You are describing the initial "bliss" phase of a relationship. Marriage doesn't quite work that way. That dies off pretty quickly - you can make it get there some more, but it takes a lot of work on both sides and then life gets in the way at times.
Besides a visa - why else did you marry him?
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tandert
recently joined
Reged: 02/01/07
Posts: 4
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He is loyal, hardworking, faithful, and he really does love me. But I feel nothing. I know that feelings are fleeting but I have felt this way for to long now.
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tandert
recently joined
Reged: 02/01/07
Posts: 4
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He can also be very creative when he wants to. He made me laugh. But I also think I got married because I felt secure for the first time. I had a very unsteady home growing up and between the age 12-14 I was used a lot by guys. So then I met my husband and it felt wonderful because he wasn't using me.
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tandert
recently joined
Reged: 02/01/07
Posts: 4
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it's not so easy just deciding to divorce. I would hate to regret my decision. I want to make sure that the marriage has no hope of being saved or if I can fall in love again. But how can I figure this out?
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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As Shohn said, a marriage takes a lot of hard work if it's going to survive the initial phernome-driven, infatuation stage. It's a daily matter of romancing one another to keep the love alive; not the hormone-driven love of the early stages or the exultation of being "rescued" by the marriage from a worse situation but the steady, comfortable, committed and deep love that a good marriage must be rooted in.
Under the circumstances you should be seeking counseling, for yourself at first and then involving your husband after you've worked through some of your issues. Above all else, you owe it to this good man not to have affairs or flings. If that is not possible for you then do the right thing by releasing him to find a love he deserves that you can't provide.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Yeah he sounds like a pretty good guy - heck of a lot better than me. There are ways to rekindle that love, but you have to work at it. Would you be willing to work at and cool the selfish stuff? The love feelings can definitely come back if you are willing to work at it and him too.
Also, love is a choice.
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