kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I'm a SAHM who is 38 years old and having my fifth child. The last three by my husband now. We've been married for 6 1/2 years. He's in the Military and from the very beginning it's been turbulent. I've done any and everything to fix this marriage...we've even been on Dr. Phil for it. There's been constant lying, decieving, manipulation, terrible anger, some violence, screaming (a drill sergeant in the face), and definently I believe infidelity. I've been psychologically abused for this entire marriage and it's embarrassing (I always thought of myself as strong woman). Every councelor that we've seen has told him he was abusive. I somewhat believe that my husband loves me but he can't change the bad that's in him. I'm his fourth wife and he's had two bankrupts; one before me and one after. He's stolen, he cheats the military and he's extremely irresponsible as a civilian. He still continues to repeat hisory ruining any chance of owning a house or being financially stable. The only reason I've been a SAHM is because of the moving and then him leaving and traveling for the past 3 1/2 years. Every time I talked about getting a job he definently put the seed in my head that it wouldn't be worth it. Now here I am, finally coming to the conclusion that I'm going to end up in a hospital if I continue this marriage. We almost went through a divorce less then a year ago but we didn't. I moved to Indiana from Ohio so that he'd be in one place and we would be able to work on this marriage. He is now stationed in Texas very close to retiring but I don't love him anymore and I want out. If anyone knows of any help that's out there for a mother of 5, four of which are still being raised ( one still not born) please let me know. I'm really scared and I want to do what's best for my children. Please don't judge me. Please help if you can. Thank you everone. [color:blue] [/color] [color:blue] [/color]
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Stop having children.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I'm sorry, but I have to second this one. I know you want some advice on what to do, but there's not really much advice you can get that's going to help you out of this jam "easily". Note the quotes, because you CAN get through it, but it is going to be VERY hard, for you AND your children. But these are children you kept having with a man (and working on yet another), whom even you admit you were ready to divorce a year ago and has been abusive the entire marriage. Why would anyone bring children into that and keep bringing in more? Now what you decide will affect them.
If you can get the counselor to testify or provide a written statement, it will help you in the custody battle. But you need to file for divorce then work on finding a job. Stop letting him tell you it's not worth it. You'll be divorcing him, it will DEFINATELY be worth it, be necessary, and if you let him talk you down again, you'll only be giving into his control again and hurting yourself and kids even more. You may or may not get any alimony, but as I told the poster below, getting it court ordered doesn't mean he'll actually PAY it. So you may find yourself in a very hard financial position that only you can pull yourself, and your kids, out of.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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First of all when someone asks for advice they're not asking for judgment. My children are all spaced apart. My oldest daughter is 18 and my next daughter is 13. My son is 5 and the other is 4. I had my one son a year after we were married and the other was not planned. I was nursing full-time, on a low estrogen birth control pill. It was an incredible shock. But I'm happy to have my son, just as this baby was a shock four years later. How dare anyone tell me to quit having children as if I planned to divorce my husband and did not want our family unit to stay together. I'm not a unmarried woman having children one after another and not knowing the fathers...although I can tell you this...even that woman would have reasons in her life why things go the way they do. I moved to Indiana with my husband in hopes that we would be able to work things out. Things were going well because we were working on the issues and because I truly did not want to go through a divorce. I again had hopes that it would continue to get better. They closed the SARG unit at Camp Attebury and his job was gone therefore sending him away again.
I am not a child nor a teenager who you can so casually judge and tell me not to have anymore children. If you met my children or myself you would not dare make such a terrible analysis or statement. Oh and by the way...my husband would not dare fight for custody. He knows that the children belong with me. There is no custody issue.
When we were on the Dr. Phil show it was believed by Dr. Phil and the audience that he would be able to change and get help because his problems resulted from his childhood and then going right into the military where he was torn down and then rebuilt. The military can be very dangerous at creating what they want from an individual. My husband is incredibly successful at what he does. At the risk of sounding like I'm defending him, I believed in him and that he could change because he showed everyone, including family and friends, that he really wanted to change.
Wow...if you're on the website to criticize rather then offer real advice then obviously your life must really be sad and boring at that. There must be a lot of people in your life who judge you as well. Please..if anyone other then these two read this, I ask that you not hold judgement but give advice because you know something that I'm not aware of that could help my situation.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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First of all when someone asks for advice they're not asking for judgment.
---> Then you need to talk to your mommy or your girlfriends if you ONLY want to hear the "good stuff".
---> What I don't understand is why you married this guy in the first place. As you said...you're NOT some stupid, naive child and THREE marriages SHOULD have had you fleeing.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Let's recap. You are his fourth wife. He has filed 2 bankruptcies. He steals. He cheats the military. He's extremely irresponsible. He ruins any chance of owning a house. You appeared on Dr. Phil. (Yeah-that's a real plus. Expose your problems to the general public. Bet the kids loved that). You have known for awhile that your marriage was in trouble. You don't work because your spouse "put a seed" in your head that it was a bad idea. (Nice independent thinking by the way). Yet, you are pregnant with child number 5.
You are right. What was I thinking. By all means have more children.
As for your question, what kind of help are you looking for? Decision making assistance you could certainly use. Nonetheless, I imagine you mean divorce help. I would suggest looking up legal aid in the telephone book and consulting with them. They are non-profit organizations located in most states that provide legal assistance in family law cases for a low fee or no fee dependingon financial circumstances.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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You know..I had this huge long post written out to respond to both of you (gecko and Maury)explaining my entire situation and realized that for the last few years that's all I've done. Try to get someone past his anger and resentment of the world. I'm not about to waste my time on two strangers who are without a doubt perfect people, and no doubt great at taking constructive criticism such as what they've given me.
Spend a little more time rationalizing that you have no ideas of the dynamics behind every situation, (that's why people shouldn't judge others) and a little less time trying to think of the perfect words that you think are going to get me down.
This website is for people going through divorces...You don't know my name, who I am, or nothing about me. I have every right to come to this post and write for advice only and yes "Maury"...legal and some personal advice...not judgement. There are people out there who have been through the same type of situation as me and may have some words of encouragement or help. I don't need righteous opinions..you know what they say about opinions?
Edited by kemahapalew (02/04/07 01:51 PM)
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I have every right to come to this post and write for advice only and yes "Maury"...legal and some personal advice...not judgement.
---> How is getting advise to "STOP having children" "judgemental"?
---> For the rest...cry me a freaking river (that's sarcasm). What it comes down to is that YOU made some [REALLY] bad choices BUT...you don't want to accept responsibility or be held accountable.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I've made bad choices...of course I have...but know me before you judge me...I am totally responsible and completely accountable for the choices I've made. Every woman is. I don't want handouts there Gecko...I wanted advice. NO crying here..just a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure out where to go and what to do. Why are you on this site? What do you get from it? Make you feel better about your bad decisions?
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Melissa:
If you have been miserable for some time, and it appears you have, you should file for divorce. I do not understand why you took the risk of getting pregnant with the situation you describe today which is the same as you described on another board in 2003. Call legal aid. You would likely qualify for spousal support and certainly it sounds like custody will not be a hotly contested issue
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Good research there Maury. It must of been a prayer site. Shortly after that prayer was when we did the dr. phil show.
I will not describe to you the dynamics of why this pregnancy came about..but I will say that despite situations children are blessings. Im not a criminal, I've never done drugs or been an alcoholic. I"m college educated and I come from a decent family. I'm having my tubes tied in the hospital and this is my last child. There are situations that I will not mention that has caused me to want a divorce in spite of being pregnant. I took a chance I guess Or should I say was not as careful because I believed in my heart that he was truly going to be the father and husband that he needed to be. That simple and that naive.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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I am afraid that is was very naive since you did have the same complaint on the prayer site in September of 2003. It appears nothing has changed.
There is no doubt that it will be very difficult for you, particularly financially. You have put yourself in a very difficult situation and I do not envy the difficulties you will likely have. Nonetheless, if you do nothing, nothing changes.
And I am sorry, but I see nothing classy about Dr. Phil or his show and, frankly, it is beyond me why anyone would want to air their dirty laundry in that way. Nonetheless, I guess that is entirely up to you.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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The show itself was done well...we recieved free counceling for it...thats the only way I agreed to do it. I was married when I was younger and regretted that I didn't work things out with my ex-husband. He was a good man from a family that loved me and were good people. I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I was young and stupid and when he decided he wanted the divorce but later wanted me back I had already had my taste of the single life and I loved it. I was basically single for a long time..years. I met my husband now and became stupid...literally. I fell for him hook line and sinker and when we got married I promised I would do any and everything to stay married no matter what the circumstances. I've had a difficult time realizing and accepting that I can't continue this marriage. But one thing I do know is that I'm a survivor. I'm just trying to find the strength with the conditions I'm under to get on my feet and leave. I came to this site for encouragment and a way to get some strength but instead felt put down and insulted.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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By the way Maury..I saw the prayer. If you had not noticed it said nothing about what i had been through with my husband. It was a prayer towards our family and the difficulties we were facing. Again showing that I was not someone wanting a divorce or wanting to give up on my marriage.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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I was referring to the post at the bottom of the following page http://www.beliefnet.com/prayer/commemoration.asp?milestoneTypeID=6&pageID=79&milestoneID=14111
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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If you're honest with yourself though, you'll realize two things...
You DID get some advice, ALONG with some judgment. People are going to judge, whether you want them to or not. But if you get angry and huffy because of that and fail to see the advice within the judgments, you only hurt yourself.
And by taking an attitude of "screw you" to those who are responding, you'll simply come across as someone who's not going to like what I have to say anyway and so you won't get the replies you think you're wanting. You may kill your own thread and go away thinking you received NO advice at all. And that again will only hurt you.
Honestly, you didn't really ask any questions. What kind of help is it you want, what kind of advice? How to handle the divorce financially, logistically (like should you move out or him or what), how to handle your husband...what? You didn't specifically ask. Yet now you're refusing to give any more info that would enable anyone to give any helpful advice. Maury told you about Legal Aid, that's "assuming" you need financial help. But we don't really know, because you haven't said. You need to be willing to open up and to listen if you want good constructive advice. If you aren't at that point, no one here can help you, not me, Gecko, Maury, or anyone else on this site. And you will have wasted time and go away feeling let down.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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"Quit having Children" in my eyes is not advice. That's making a statement.
I vented about my situation. If I could erase this thread I would. I'm emotionally spent and the last thing I needed was to have someone judge me on the fact that I'm pregnant and going through what I'm going through. It's as simple as that. I know I'm in this alone and I'll do what i have to do. I had a moment of thinking that you can find solace and and encouragement from complete strangers. Maybe it's hormones or maybe it's me just grasping.
I read the prayer Maury...I completely forgot about it and yeah..I guess it was one of those times when I was discouraged but all in all I can't allow myself to feel guilty for having this baby...there's no turning back and I need to stay positive about it. Bottom line.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Help with what, exactly?
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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You went looking for her on the internet????? That's freaky and seriously creepy!!
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Well..to start off I was asking for advice about first steps to take. I wanted to find someone who had somewhat of a similiar experience. But my God the first couple things said to me was stop having children. That's not what this was about. It was about getting on my feet to becoming a single mom. That's it. I see the advice given to me and it's appreciated but Geez..it's kind of hard to look past the other crap that came with it. Sorry but if any 21 week pregnant woman was told to quit having children while asking for advice I think she would be offended.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Thanks TGSM...I totally agree! He's looking at sites that I went to over three years ago..a prayer site. Nothing I'm ashamed of but somehow have been made to look like a complete idiot for my dealing with a bad marriage and wanting it to work. Wow...amazing how critical people are.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I'm not being huffy towards real advice ...read all of this and then tell me I don't have the right to be offended. For God's sake Maury made sure that a past prayer was drudged up from my past by doing research through the search engine. I didn't ask for that. He put his website on a post for all to see because he's proud obviously. That's his choice...but how invasive to search someone's name out like that and then post it. If you don't find this offensive then by all means you are a stronger person. And if you're able to be told to quit having children and not have a comment back then again I applaud you Almost Heaven. You're definently a better person then me. I read back to all of this and realize that I was venting, completely in my "feel sorry for myself" mode..but hey who hasn't been there? I do take constructive criticism...but only from those who know me..stick to the basics online when you don't know someone. Ask questions, give advice, talk about your own experiences but be responsible in the way you handle something. I became very defensive which was my mistake and actually "putting my private life out there" again was stupid. My goodness I was even judged for being on the Dr. Phil show. Come on...I'm not to be offended at all? Or HUFFY as you put it. Give me a break.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I don't really care what other people said to you, nor did I comment on their opinions or your current pregnancy. I asked you a direct question, and that was all. As for the part of your response that actually answered the question....you've already been given some good advice for what to do first.
I would....get a job. Pregnant or no. The landlord and the power company don't care if you're pregnant. This guy is an irresponsible loser, so I certainly wouldn't rely on him for monetary help.
So....get a job. Look for free and/or low cost legal help. If you have some kind of proof of abuse, like police or hospital records, you can get LOTS of free help.
Build a good network of helpful parents. Offer to trade babysitting duties. Count on your older children for help.
Use state services until you get on your feet. Typically, you can get help with utilities, rent, childcare, food, medical care (though that shouldn't be an issue) and maybe even help to find a job.
What's your degree in?
So....get your ducks in a row. In the meantime, find some legal resources and see what your options are.
Good luck.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Thanks Rebecca5..that's advice I needed. My major was Forensic Psychology with a criminal justice major. I have 3 semesters and my internship left. However, until I'm divorced I can't go back because of loans and his income being too high for grants.
Trust me..finding a job is the most critical thing in the world to me right now. But it's not easy to find something when you're pregnant and showing. I have no credentials. My CNA license expired when I lived in Georgia with my husband years ago, and I want to get that back for the time being but it's $500. All the benefits that I could get can't come until I'm actually filing the divorce. So the first thing I am going to do tomorrow is try to get some help through the legal system. I may have to try to contact his commanding officer because the last time we were going through this he cut off all ties of money to me and then let all the bills pile up and get behind including a lapse in our insurance. I'm scared of that happening again before i've had a chance to make any moves. Right now what i've done is rented out a storage place to keep all my personal things. I've seen two attorneys and one suggested that I live a life of lying for the time being and put money away until I'm ready to make the break. It wasn't legal adivce but personal advice. I'm not a good liar and I can't put on an act.
Again..thanks for the advice..I really appreciate it.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/04/07 10:29 PM)
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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What about scholarships? I paid for about 3 entire years through scholarships. Yes, my grades are good, but most of them were based on my marital status, the fact that I had children, and that I was a "non-traditional" student.
For your situation, squirreling away money on the sly is probably a good idea. It may not make you feel very good, but neither does your marriage. In your circumstance, your job it to protect your children first. If nothing else, open a savings account at a different bank, in your name only, and start putting money away. Ask your family for help, if that's an option. If you could put away a couple hundred a month, and they could offer the same....you could quickly build up enough to pay for moving expenses and your first few months away from him.
I would probably wait it out until the baby arrives, and you're ready to go back to work. Use this "free" time to make a plan.
Most hospitals and nursing homes will pay for your to get your CNA license, especially if you can proficiency through most, if not all, of the courses.
If you're hoping for an easy way, that will allow you to leave him ASAP and still cover all of your bills, you might as well shovel sh!t against the tide. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior...so I certainly wouldn't count on him for any help. Sure...he can be "ordered" to pay for some things....but making sure he pays it is a whole 'nother story.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You were also advised to the counselor's testimony, to get the divorce started, to seek employment despite your husband's negative talk...
Yet after all that, you said "Please..if anyone other then these two read this..." These "two" was including me. So as I said, if you discount advice you get because you don't like one statement, you only hurt yourself.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Some people will do that if they have the time and feel a poster needs it. Some people think it's going overboard. I don't really have an opinion on that one. He didn't seek out your "name", but your handle...as you pointed out, we don't know your name. And so now there's a first name from the prayer, but big deal. We still don't know you, where you live, etc. He didn't go to those extremes. I've had people search my handle before to see what I posted elsewhere. It doesn't bother me, because I stay the same here and everywhere. Some people though change from board to board.
And I've never been told to quit having children, because I didn't need that. I had "one" and that was before I knew my ex was going to turn out like he did. I certainly didn't need more with him. But I've been told many times to leave my ex alone on CS, to get a job (even though I had one), to do many things from bitter people who thought they knew all about my life. I just hold my own.
I'm more apt to think your hormones are doing more of your speaking right now that logic. Perhaps while pregnant and with raging hormones, it isn't the time to seek advice from strangers unless you know you can also deal with the criticism.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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That would be what I'd do. At 21 weeks, she CAN get a job, but it will be very difficult. Most employers aren't going to look past it and don't want someone who's going to be leaving work soon after they train them. So her best bet on employment is after the baby arrives. And it would give her time to put a little away each week. Cut back on groceries if need be and put a bit away. When she does leave, she could also take half of whatever is in joint accounts.
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Char Fox
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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If your husband is active duty he is financially obligated to support you and your children without a court order.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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overcoming_evil
recently joined
Reged: 02/11/07
Posts: 3
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You have a friend here to support you in the midst of these truly ignorant attacks. I have no idea where they are coming from, but clearly, some of the people responding are being very harsh- and I encourage you to either give 'em hell or ignore them- and I agree that spending your precious time and energy trying to convince someone who is being rude that you are an upstanding human being is a waste of your time and energy. Don't listen to them!
To those of you who are being rude, shame on you! Don't bother responding or trying to pick a fight, because I'm not even going to read it. Just go back into your little holes and continue with your lives.
Anyway, back to what I wanted to say to you. Everything you said in your initial post makes perfect sense to me. You have behaved in a textbook manner like a healthy, normal woman in an abusive marriage.
You are in an abusive marriage. You are wise to want to get a divorce. It will help your children for you to get out of this, even though it will rock the boat. They deserve to learn that abuse should not be tolerated and that life goes on.
Don't feel a bit guilty about having stayed with him or about deciding to leave when you are pregnant with your fifth child. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. HE DID. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. HE IS. YOU WORKED HARD TO MAKE IT WORK. That took a lot of courage and perseverence!
Now, you have come to the point where you see that he is not going to change, and if you continue to try (heroically!) to keep things stable, you are may end up in the hospital. YOU ARE WISE. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.
Find your local domestic violence shelter and ask to speak to their legal advocate. They will provide you with free legal advice and direct you to many resources.
If you want to stay home with your little ones until they are ready for you to be away from them, you may be able to find a way. There are work-from-home jobs.
I was a stay at home mom of a 3 year old when I left my psychologically abusive husband 10 years ago. I was able to make ends meet (barely, but I did it) until he was in school full time- and then I got an office job.
Right now your head is spinning, you're overwhelmed and scared. Once you tap some legal resources and get a counselor who specializes in abusive relationships, things will get better.
Again, forget these people who are judging you. They don't know what they're talking about.
STRONG HUGS! Keep breathing and go to this website with domestic violence resources- legal, emotional support of all kinds with resources form women attorneys who understand exactly the position you are in:
http://www.womenlawyers.com/domestic.htm
I also want to share something with you for a little more "moral" support. My friend sent me this video today- it is the story of 100 horses who were stranded on a tiny piece of land in the Netherlands during a severe storm last November. The fire department was unable to rescue them. The army was unable to rescue them. Then, four women on horseback road out and led the horses to safety.
All of us strong, normal women who have found ourselves with abusive men through no fault of our own are like the 100 horses in this video. As we support each other and affirm each other's strength, we can guide each other to safety. I am still trapped in certain ways by my ex-husband, and have continued to be mistreated by him since our divorce; I will have to deal with him until my son turns 18. Some days I am one of the 100 horses stranded on the tiny piece of land. Some days I am one of the women on horseback, leading others to freedom. Today, I have been both. I hope you find the video encouraging. I send it with much love and the promise of a better future for yourself and your children.
http://video.google.nl/videoplay?docid=-584913278289860160
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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A lot of these people who "don't know what they're talking about" have been through this or much worse but did NOT continue having children knowing that they were ultimately going to divorce or knowing that they'd be brought up in a violent home. So NOW who's doing the judging?
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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When I came on this site I did not ask to be judged...who are you to judge me when you have no idea who I am as a person? Like I said before you don't understand the dynamics of a relationship or for that matter a person..only what is told to you. The violence has never been in front of my children and has happened 3 times in our marriage. It hasn't been Beating issues or anything that severe...just enough that I won't deal with that crap from anyone. He's been gone for 3 1/2 years on and off. The abuse that i'm struggling with is the emotional abuse and the psychological which has never been the immauturity of calling eachother names in front of people or the kids..this has never been towards these children, they're in the dark because I've protected them. I am not an abused woman in the way that I just sit back and take it. There are so many women out there who are in much worse situations because their self-esteem is next to nothing. All situations are at different degress and it depends on the individual and what and how much they will tolerate. Again..you don't understand the dynamics..you only assume you know what you're talking about. I am not making excuses..i am trying to show the true dynamics although impossible.
You have made mistakes...guaranteed...why don't you become vulnerable and tell us what you've done that will allow others to judge you? Or Almostheaven..are you perfect. I love my children and regardless of if I had hopes that my husband would get the help he needed because there was hope there..a lot of hope, my children are well-adjusted happy children because I am there for them for everything. Which is more then alot of parents out there, struggling with much deeper issues then me. I don't have issues like an alcoholic, and I didn't come from an abusive family. I've never taken a drug in my life and I was never molested as a child. I don't struggle with deep issues..i just made a mistake with the person I chose out of loving him.I have made my mistakes in my life as everyone..but I will not consider my fifth child a mistake..only an insensitive, desencitized person like you would do that. And yes that is what I see..change your name "almostheaven" to "almosthell" because that's the kind of person you come acrossed as. A demon. You're advice was worthless and full of pompous all-knowing crap. You get your jollies venting to people you don't even know to bring them down as low as you. Get help..you need desperate counceling. There...there's my five minutes of lowering myself to be like you.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/12/07 08:51 AM)
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Thank you so much "overcoming evil"...you're the type of person that this world needs more of. Your words to me is exactly the type of advice and comforting I needed. You're a good person..a deeply good person. I did lower myself to address almostheaven because although knowing how wrong she is and how ignorant I can't help but feel like I want to just crawl in a hole when I read the words that all these people wrote to and about me. I guess the defensive side comes out. I would never purposely bring someone else down like that, someone asking for help. I definently felt attacked from the beginning. It actually made me cry and have to call my sister bawling because of the cruelty. She brought me back up though. Then I didnt' want to even come back to this site..I wrote a couple of encouraging things to other people and yesterday came back to this only to read your comment which brought me to tears in a different way...You made such a difference to me. Thank you so much...that's all I can say. You're an inspiration.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Hon, you'd already lowered yourself when you kept having kids with a man you admit has been abusive your entire marriage. You've further lowered yourself by not actually "listening" to what's been said. And your "buddy" here lowered herself by judging people when throwing a fit because of the judgments they were passing, then you chimed back in to do the same and reafirm how low you can take things. The only judgment anyone has given here was that you SHOULD have stopped having kids after you knew he was abusive. But you didn't. That's past. So when people went on to give you advice on how to work with the mess that's already created, you chose to ignore it. Then your little buddy comes in and starts passing her own judgment that none of us must know anything about living with abuse. Wrong judgment to say the least.
I HAVE been judged on what I post on boards many times. Hell, I've been judged on looks from my pictures. But ya know, I just don't put the energy into defending my looks that you seem to want to place on defending why you kept having kids. Either take the advice given for the mess that's already created or don't. Your call. Or...keep defending your past choices to a bunch of strangers and ignore the advice within all this and muddle through it as you were before asking here. Again, all your call.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I am not defending having children to an old woman as yourself. My two oldest daughters are from a previous marriage. A good marriage that unforutnately ended out of immaturity..another of my mistakes.
My oldest little boy (5) I became pregnant with shortly after marrying because he had no children and both of us being in our thirties wanted more children. With my second son I was nursing full-time and on a low dose of a pill because of nursing. My son was 4 months old when I became pregnant with my second which was the biggest shock of our lives. My daughters were 9 and 14. This baby ( 4 1/2 years later) was not planned. Here...let me tell you the gory details of my sex life since you seem to have all your crap together. I was getting ready to change my birth control to depro provera with my appointment that was supposed to be on sept. 21 but I changed it because i had started my period, he was was scared to death to get a vasectomy and I was having problems with the pill I was on. We were using condoms..and the one time that we had sex during the week that he was home his condom broke and neither of us thought anything of it. Surprise, suprise...maybe I should have had an abortion Miss all-knowing? I love this baby (another boy) and I willnot have an old woman like yourself (I saw your pic as well)tell me that my children were a mistake. You didn't give me advice..how do you give an adult advice by telling them to stop having children???? Are you that ridiculous??
Edited by kemahapalew (02/12/07 09:06 AM)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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LOL You're still at it I see. Hon, this "old woman" has a 16 mo. old son. I'm sooooo decrepit. Just call me grandma. Want I should push my glasses down on my nose and stoop over to add to the illusion? ;)
And see, you AGAIN discounted the advice you got because you can't see past your nose to spite your face. Here, I know it's hard to read when all you can see is red because you have anger issues, but I'll repost it:
"If you can get the counselor to testify or provide a written statement, it will help you in the custody battle. But you need to file for divorce then work on finding a job. Stop letting him tell you it's not worth it. You'll be divorcing him, it will DEFINATELY be worth it, be necessary, and if you let him talk you down again, you'll only be giving into his control again and hurting yourself and kids even more. You may or may not get any alimony, but as I told the poster below, getting it court ordered doesn't mean he'll actually PAY it. So you may find yourself in a very hard financial position that only you can pull yourself, and your kids, out of."
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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By the way almostheaven, the lady that wrote her sweet comment to me was only judging your actions...not you. YOu judged me as a person..someone asking for help. Do you honestly believe that someone asking for help wants that from complete strangers? Asking for advice or how to deal with a situation is a far cry then asking someone.."what did I do wrong"..And as far as all of you being through this before?? Please..circumstances are completely different from one to the next. Some of you have had it worse and some have had far less then me. Don't give advice unless you plan to know what you're tlaking about. Everything you told me were things that anyone would know..you gave me nothing but a bunch of crap.
I would love to know what you do for a living. I can only imagine the kind of person you are outside of this site. I bet you're alone aren't you?
I do have the right to make assumptions about you right??
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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AGain...don't assume you know a situation..I don't have a cusody battle going on..my husband will not fight me for custody. Comparing my situation with yours??
You're picture made you look very old..sorry.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/12/07 09:22 AM)
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Wow...so you have a baby and you have the nerve to judge me knowing what it is to love your child???? My husband told me to have an abortion..could you have done it?? Could you? Yes..i have anger issues at this point because you came back to this site with a vengeance towards a good person who was truly giving advice because someone needed it not because she felt the need to cut someone down as you and others have.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Isn't it funny your coming back at me and defneding yourself to a complete stranger because I have the wrong idea of who you are. Why would you feel that need unless it really bothered you.
--"If you can get the counselor to testify or provide a written statement, it will help you in the custody battle. But you need to file for divorce then work on finding a job. Stop letting him tell you it's not worth it. You'll be divorcing him, it will DEFINATELY be worth it, be necessary, and if you let him talk you down again, you'll only be giving into his control again and hurting yourself and kids even more. You may or may not get any alimony, but as I told the poster below, getting it court ordered doesn't mean he'll actually PAY it. So you may find yourself in a very hard financial position that only you can pull yourself, and your kids, out of." ---
Who said anything about a custody battle..were you really reading what I wrote or was it more that you stopped when you saw that I was pregnant..that just pi##** you off and you had to put in your two cents.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]Wow...so you have a baby and you have the nerve to judge me knowing what it is to love your child???? My husband told me to have an abortion..could you have done it?? Could you? [/quote]
Hi! I've read this entire thread and can see where some folks, including AlmostHeaven gave you advice in order to get out of, or deal with, your situation. Which was very nice of her under the circumstances..
I just felt a need to respond to your specific statement above..
Could I have an abortion to ensure not remaining trapped in what I know is already an abusive situation? With a man who I know has issues? Including abusive? Divorces?
I can answer that question from MY OWN experience. YES YES YES YES YES. Been there, done that and I absolutely DID terminate the pregnancy rather than trap myself with a man who I knew would never change, and whom it took me 2 years in court to get rid of (he ultimately served 6 months home confinement for violations of restraining orders and domestic assault and battery).
He and I were never married... Got pregnant, like you, by accident (he subsequently had a vasectomy actually.. having had 3 kids already he couldn't support).
But yes, while I'm not a rocket scientist and have made bad personal decisions in my life, having that abortion was one of THE wisest decisions of my life. Otherwise, I'd have remained tied to an abusive loser the rest of my life.
I tend to agree with others here.. You shouldn't have had children with this guy in the first place.. once you did and his abusive/controlling/loser behavior continued, you certainly should have STOPPED having children with him.
Now that you HAVE... I strongly urge you to take some of the very good advice provided to you on this thread and find a way to get yourself, and your children, out safely.
Good luck...
Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure: I am 38 years old. My oldest child (who I gave up for adoption at birth) will be 20 in September (so I'm guessing I'm even older than AlmostHeaven). I had an abortion at 22 (as mentioned above) and I am now the mother of a 1 year old child.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I appreciate your opinion to agree with the others however let me ask you a question.
I feel strongly that you shouldn't have killed your baby because he/she would have been an inconvenience to you. Have you been on an abortion website? I had an ultrasound at 9 weeks and it amazed me how formed my baby already was at this young stage in my pregnancy. My sister had an abortion and had to have counceling becasue she never forgave herself. But you sure have haven't you. In your eyes who wants an obstacle or deal with your responsibility of a mistake you made? Your choice was to just get rid of it..easy enough huh?
I have two daughters, 18 and 13 who were both exstatic to know that I was having a baby. My 18 year old told me everything would be ok and that the birth of a baby was special no matter what the circumstances. She's very wise and very spiritual for her age. I'm very close to my daughters. Now had I chosen the coward way out and had an abortion what do you think my baby's siblings would have thought of me as their mother, making a choice to end a life for my own selfish reasons??? Their brother's life? People get pregnant everyday without meaning to...it happens to the best of us under different circumstances. So when you make a mistake in life..it's ultimately what you do with it that matters. Read my posts again and really pay attention to what I have said about my life.
I don't know you but it's really easy to judge you...I see you as a murderer..How about that...why did you choose to kill your baby to save yourself the burden? You must be a very selfish person...
You know ..I don't really judge you becasue I don't know you and I don't know what your frame of mind was at the time and I do believe in pro-choice if it's right for that person...But it wasn't the right thing for me. I'm sure, regardless of what you come back with at me..you probably were really upset that I could judge you so harshly without knowing you..we're only human. People do get their feelings hurt. I didn't mean what I said in the first couple paragraphs. I apoligise to you for being harsh..you did the best you could under your circumstances and your happy for it. That's good. Now please do not judge me because of this baby. It's ridiculous.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Okay, I never even got past "Murderer".
And yes, I'm FULLY aware of what a baby looks like at even 7 weeks, the week in which I started having problems with my pregnancy with my 1 year old.. so I'm fully aware there is a heartbeat, yada yada yada yada.
I have NO problem with having had an abortion. I had an early 1st trimester termination and did so, basically not to "inconvenience" myself, as you put it.. but to save myself forever being trapped with a physically abusive man to whom I would have been trapped (much as you are right now) for the rest of my life. (please note, the man spent time on home confinement for domestic assault, assault of ME.. assault of me AFTER the pregnancy was ended, AFTER we had broken up.. in addition to the various episodes BEFORE that, but trying to END the relationship was what really got me beat up).
Did I sacrific an unborn child to save my own life? Yes, I did.. Do I have a problem with that? Definately not. Better to not have the child at all, then to have a child born with an eventually dead mother.
As for "selfish" and a "burden". I disagree. I gave my FIRST child up for ADOPTION. Gave him to a family and home that would be able to provide for him and care for him. He was also an unplanned pregnancy, got pregnant at 17 1/2, the VERY FIRST TIME that I ever had sex. Was that "selfish"? To give him up? I don't think so.
The circumstances of the two pregnancies were totally different, both accidental.. however, the 2nd one being in a much more dangerous situation and one which I do not regret terminating.
I'm not one to believe in abortion as a mechanism for birth control; however, I do believe it is a woman's body and a woman's choice. No woman who is raped should EVER be forced to carry that child if she chooses not to. It's not YOUR right to say, nor a man's right to say (particularly not if he's a rapist) and it sure as hell isn't the government's right.
You're right that no one has the right to judge you for having babies.. but sweetheart, at SOME point, you must realize that you're continually bringing babies/children into a losing situation.. a losing situation that someday, they themselves are likely to repeat.
There are SOOOOO Many ways to control getting pregnant. Mind you, I'm 38 years old.. at 17 and 22 I wasn't so wise. At 36, when I finally did get pregnant.. I went 2 years trying various birth control pills, no good... a year on an IUD.. also no good.. tremendously horrible little device THAT is... and then did it MY way for 13 years.. had sex regularly, and didn't get pregnant. Why? Care, caution. I knew my cycle religiously. I avoided sex anywhere near ovulation, and any other time, I used a method I was comfortable with (sponges + condoms). And I never got pregnant. Before you think I'm infertile, or less fertile. It took my husband THREE YEARS to conceive his daughter with his ex... I'm 36... he was 34. Took us TWO cycles after I stopped my method to get pregnant, hence why we got pregnant 3 months BEFORE our wedding.. Neither of us EVER imagined that in our mid-30's.. with him supposedly having fertility issues etc.. that it would take so little.. so I'm still fertile mertile..
My point? If you don't WANT more children, you do what you have to in order to not HAVE more children. The way I see it.. subconsciously, you like this. You like the drama, you like adding more kids in the picture.. it's what you want. You want the attention. Why else would you go on a national television show to air your problems? You live that life and you make those decisions because it's what you want.
No one here can truly help YOU until you help yourself. Until you recognize who HE is, who YOU are and how you all got yourselves into this mess to begin with. At a minimum? You're a co-dependent and you enable his behavior. Did they tell you that on Dr. Phil? Get thee to a REAL therapist if you really want help with your and your husband's issues... or with just getting your own life together on your own...
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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I followed this thread and did not say anything till now so let me start.
you whined about how you were treated, then PM actually had a little bit mreo say then to stop being a baby factory for which you sounded grateful - then PM shared with you and painful and intimate life experience of what she went through at the hands of an abuser and you actually had the nerve to post that garbage........
what exactly was the purpose and reason for visiting this site?
when your done with your soapbox and done playing house - I would highly recommend that you find a home for the kids because people like you are only concerned with playing victim and continuing the cycle so their kids grow up living the same way.....if you love your kids - send them to someone who can take of them properly - you - you stay where you are at because that is probably where you deserve to be - this apparently is the life you thrive - but it is not fair for the children to have to be subjected to that kind of lifestyle.
pathetic.
take your self-righteousness and do something human and get the kids help. preferrably away from you because you whine and cry wolf about your husband's abuse but if that was true then staying with him baby after baby is the same abuse you place on the kids as he does to you so you are just as guilty.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I made a point to you..I truly do not judge you nor do I see you as a murderer by no means! Read the last paragraph. Do you see how badly it hurt to be judged so harshly by someone who doesn't even truly know your whole situation? By a stranger who doesn't know you?? I meant none of it. I am absolutely NOT judging you. I believe you did the right thing for you and what you believed is your own perogative. NO one should judge you for that. I couldn't do it because of what my sister went through. That's all I can say...but I don't judge her and I don't judge you.
There is no continually bringing children into this...we have two boys and one on the way almost five years later..Please see it that way becasue I am so lost right now and really scared about my situation and I don't need people to persecute me..period.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Oh my God! How dare you! I made a point to PM about being judged by people and how it feels! I asked for advice that's it!! I have children in preschool, dance, soccer during the fall, choir, basketball. My daughters get good grades and are awesome kids and same with the boys...and you have the nerve to tell me to give my children to another home. I am not a victim nor did I claim to be one. My whole life has not been about being victimized. I came to this site for advice and I got attacked by everyone except one person. If you read the last paragraph to PM I explained that I didn't honestly judge her. I'm done with this and I will never go to strangers asking for advice again. I wanted advice and maybe some inspiration on moving on and getting on my feet. Whining about how I was treated????? I guess that's all about perseption isn't it?
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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"point? If you don't WANT more children, you do what you have to in order to not HAVE more children. The way I see it.. subconsciously, you like this. You like the drama, you like adding more kids in the picture.. it's what you want. You want the attention. Why else would you go on a national television show to air your problems? You live that life and you make those decisions because it's what you want.
No one here can truly help YOU until you help yourself. Until you recognize who HE is, who YOU are and how you all got yourselves into this mess to begin with. At a minimum? You're a co-dependent and you enable his behavior. Did they tell you that on Dr. Phil? Get thee to a REAL therapist if you really want help with your and your husband's issues... or with just getting your own life together on your own... "
NO...I don't want drama and I didn't go on Dr. Phil because I was having children with this man..would you like to know how I even got on the show????? Here let me tell you.
I was on line, mind you 3 1/2 years ago and saw an advertisement for Dr. Phil. I rarely watched tv and had only seen his show twice. Well I saw one of the shows themes as being about people who find fault in everyone and everything...and i wrote to them not really believing anything would come of it. I didn't give a crap one way or the other...in fact my friend and I had a laugh over it and she called me a goof. She knew I wasn't serious about it..she just knew i was deperate to save my marriage because: here's a big one for all of you "I LOVED MY HUSBAND" They called me that day and the producer promised counceling for us. Bottom line. Again, I will not feel guilty or less then a person becuase of going on the show.
At this point we had been married three years with a two year old and one year old. Everything that happened throughout the years has been like a roller coaster ride. But guess what...there were the good moments as well! WE've only come to this point again since he had to leave again to go to Texas. He wanted this marriage to work as much as I did..but he had to be stationed somewhere else again. He wanted to change..he wanted to be a better person..you could see him trying. I loved him for that..but I guess you get to a point when enough is enough. When my ex-husband and I divorced I was a single mom for 6 1/2 years before meeting my husband now..I promised myself that I would never get another divorce again if I ever even allowed myself to marry , becasue I felt guilty for giving that marriage up without really trying. I was young and I was stupid and so was he. But our marriage was decent and his family was awesome. That is still a a part of me...not ever wanting to give up. And by the way...no...Dr. Phil did not tell me I was co-dependent. He told my husband that he could change and he saw that my husband wanted to change and he got us counceling which was helping tremendously..until he got back into the reserves and went into this unit called the SARG unit where he had to travel consistantly...you can't work on a marriage when one is gone all the time. The beginning of the end. When he got stationed here in Indiana, we finally saw a way to work out our marriage. Then of course that ended as well. There's so much more to it then that but let me tell you something..if I were a person who was all about playing victim and being co-dependent I would not have tried as hard as I have on this marriage and gone through being alone yet married for the last 3 years. I've been everything to these kids...everything ..and guess what..They're beautiful awesome kids. So conintue to judge me ...that's fine. Just writing this makes me realize that I have done the best I can and I have been a good mom like so many of my friends and family have told me. I have a letter that my daughter wrote me when she was a senior in H.S. telling me that she respected and looked up to me as being one of the strongest people she's ever known. That she had the happiest childhood and wouldn't trade anything. I guess I did right somehow.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Damn. I go out for the afternoon and looks like you had a field day. Are you this miserable in real life too? I haven't even waded through but you've been a busy bee from the looks of the number of posts all because you got your panties bunched up.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I actually WOULDN'T have an abortion...don't believe in them except under very limited circumstances. I just never would have allowed myself to become pregnant in the first place. Maybe the first one I can understand, but twice more I just can't wrap my mind around it. My ex started beating up on me during my first pregnancy with our daughter. He was history the moment I had the chance to get out of that situation. Fast forward to now and I'm in a very good marriage and have had my second child years after we married and I'd stopped being cautious not to get pregnant because caution was no longer warranted. And oh...nope...you're not older. LOL I may have a 16 mo. old, but I'm 41. I still don't consider it old. Hell, you're only as old as ya feel. ;)
BTW, not judging you on deciding to have the abortion. I just personally don't agree with it. But as I've TRIED to explain to kem, past actions is past. It's what one does with the situation they have now that matters. She's not getting it though. She THINKS I've been treating her badly (makes me wanna cry boo hoo hoo), because she's simply too angry to actually TRY and understand what I've been saying. So I quit trying to explain long ago. ;)
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Yeah..actually today I've had a chance to sit down at the computer off and on throughout the day. No..actually I'm not normally a miserable person..only in this time of my life. Trying to pull myself out of it...thanks for your concern.
I went grocery shopping, to the bank, to my daughter's docter for her absent slip that she lost, came home made dinner, my boys are watching Nickolodeon right here in the computer room with me. I read what was written to me while I was gone. I guess I do have my panties bunched up huh almostheaven...I think you may have a pretty miserable life as well...
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Nahh, hon, my life's wonderful. Since we're sharing our afternoons, went to Lowes to pick up new knobs for the bathroom remodeling project I'm about finished with, went to Wal*Mart and picked up some groceries, and had lunch with my son at Applebees while reading through another chapter in my James Patterson novel (good one too, can't wait to finish it). Then I got back and installed the knobs. Oh, and met with my cabinet maker before that as I'm having some spice drawers made and some glass put into a couple cabinets in the kitchen. Came home and showed hubby the two bathroom borders I couldn't decide between and we picked out the one we think is best, then showed him the glass samples and we picked out the one we liked of those and now...here I am. Ready to take on the world...or you. ;)
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I've never been "beaten" almostheaven.
So there's really no comparison to our situations. I said there was some violence..we've had our confrontations where he slapped me once and he's pushed me and left bruises on my arms. That was all during a certain period in our lives. I can understand why you would get the hell out of there..but when it's not quite as "in your face type abuse" that's going on it's a lot more difficult to make that decision.
I'm sorry that you were beaten..that's awful. I'm glad that you were strong enough to bring yourself out of it and start your life over. And i'm also glad that you were better at your carefullness and your precautions as to not getting pregnant.
I was 20 when I had my oldest daughter 25 when I had my second daughter and my sons came at 33 and 34. I'll be 39 when this little sweet baby is born. I am very close to my sisters, brothers and to my parents..I came from a huge family and I also have a lot of neices and nephews. We are a very close knit family. Except that we all live away from one another now because I chose to move here to Indiana to save my marriage. Why I'm telling you this is because again..I guess it's hard when you know your own situation and someone comes to a site that you've asked for advice and thinks they have the right to judge you. I'm sure I speak for everyone who feels the same way as I do. It's not a boo hoo hoo story..it sounds like maybe yours was however, and you prevailed...good for you!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Wow...great life. Im sure that you're very grateful for the life you have and wish the best for everyone else huh? You seem like the type of person who cares about others and how you make them feel. Usually when people are really happy with themselves and their lives they want everyone to be happy. I know that's how I was at one time..but of course my life was nowhere as good as what yours sounds like. LOL
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Actually, I care about people who care about themselves. But those who get angry at the drop of a hat and tune out, I just don't have the time for. I always TRY to help. But there comes a point where I just throw up my hands and say, ok, gloves are off, this person doesn't want help, they just wanna fight. Meow!
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Hon, what the hell do you think "beaten" means? If you've EVER been physically hit, then he beat you. ESPECIALLY if bruises were left. Mine drug me by the hair of the head and shuck a fist in my face on several occasions and pushed my face into the ground. He never punched me, but I still call it beating. He mostly broke inanimate objects to keep from hitting me.
I was 19 when I had my daughter. And I couldn't get away from him without endangering the both of us UNTIL we visited my family. He wouldn't dare cross my ex-marine daddy. Especially since daddy was standing there with his massive arms crossed glaring at him while he begged me to take him back. Then cursed me when I told him to seek counseling first. LOL
I'll have to disagree with you, yours DOES sound like a boo hoo story. But I wasn't meaning the boo hoo in that manner. Not sure you'd get it with the way this whole conversation's gone, but I was boo hooing sarcastically about the rampages you seemed to go on rather than trying to just listen to what I was saying. But you have a husband who's violent, mentally and physically. Not good for you, not good for your children. I find it mostly a sad story because more children were brought into it unnecessarily.
It CAN turn out better though, but the children can't do it. YOU are the only one who can. So you have to find a way to get out of that relationship, or stay and raise yet a third child under that type of bad family relationship. I'd suggest getting out as soon as you can, and as was said, with three kids there, and two previous, and becoming a single mother...it's going to be hell. But you can't go back and change the past where you have fewer kids to possibly raise and support alone. So it's a situation that will be affected by those past decisions, one you'll just have to make the best of.
The "judgment" was not the the jist of the posts. It just seems to be all you took from it and got angry. Like I said somewhere, it may just be hormones. Been through that time recently myself. Still somewhat breast-feeding and still cry at the drop of a hat sometimes. Hormones are a biotch. But this has been going for a couple days now, can't be ALL hormones. Just try breathing and re-reading something before lashing out thinking everyone just pointed fingers at you and refused to even offer any advice. There was lots of advice. If you want more, you'd have to get more specific on what you're looking for.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Hmm...let me say this..I don't want to fight nor did I come to this site for stupidity and drama. I asked for advice, not judgement. I will, however, defend myself when it comes to my children who in my eyes are my life! IF you don't like that then quit responding to me..you have the choice to come to this thread or not. What are you throwing your hands up for? Are you that pompous to think that you've done me a world of good or that you 've given me some incredible advice? You're intentions, to me, were nothing but to give your opinion and throw your insults...the little bit of adivce was for your own satisfaction as to "helping". Please...find a different way to help others.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Not at all. You cannot say what MY intentions were. Or are you leaping to more assumptions/judgments? I'm pompous enough to think that when you TRY to speak to someone civilly and they come back in a fighting mode and start insulting, that all I wanna do after that is insult back and have me a good cat fight. I like a fight just as much as I like a civil conversation. Up to you which YOU want. I'll oblige either way. ;)
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Well said...a lot better then what's been said in the past posts. Look..let me tell you something without you assuming I'm feeling sorry for myself..maybe you'll be able to understand my frustration.
Every decision I've made in the past has been for my children. Regardless of havinga bad marriage my boys are very close to their dad. He's pretty good with them as well..when he's around.
I was devastated when I found out that indeed I was pregnant...I mean to the point of contemplating abortion. I cried, I hated myself and I hated him believing that he wanted this. I had to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of talking to family and friends and even my oldest daughter to come to terms with it. Period. I have finally accepted it and then I come on this site to ask for advice from someone who may have been through the same type of situation as mine and I felt attacked.
Call it hormones, call it anger, call it frustration but I'm exhausted and mentally worn out. I have a lot going on, like everyone I'm sure, but I'm having a difficult time. This is an extremely hard pregnancy and as Im sure others have been through this..it's hard to go through a pregnancy without help and still try to maintain a household and keep your chin up for your kids. It just perterbs me to no end to go through this and then have strangers tell me what i should have done or shouldn't have done..after the fact. You're right when you say the past is the past but that's where it should have stayed to begin with. I wanted nothing more then some of the advice that's been given to me thus far. Overlooking all the crap in between. That's all I wanted. If you feel that people have the right to voice their opinion then I have the right to defend myself and my kids.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Keep in mind that we're not answering eachother's post in the order that they come out...the last post I sent you was in response to:
___Hon, what the hell do you think "beaten" means? If you've EVER been physically hit, then he beat you. ESPECIALLY if bruises were left. Mine drug me by the hair of the head and shuck a fist in my face on several occasions and pushed my face into the ground. He never punched me, but I still call it beating. He mostly broke inanimate objects to keep from hitting me.
I was 19 when I had my daughter. And I couldn't get away from him without endangering the both of us UNTIL we visited my family. He wouldn't dare cross my ex-marine daddy. Especially since daddy was standing there with his massive arms crossed glaring at him while he begged me to take him back. Then cursed me when I told him to seek counseling first. LOL
I'll have to disagree with you, yours DOES sound like a boo hoo story. But I wasn't meaning the boo hoo in that manner. Not sure you'd get it with the way this whole conversation's gone, but I was boo hooing sarcastically about the rampages you seemed to go on rather than trying to just listen to what I was saying. But you have a husband who's violent, mentally and physically. Not good for you, not good for your children. I find it mostly a sad story because more children were brought into it unnecessarily.
It CAN turn out better though, but the children can't do it. YOU are the only one who can. So you have to find a way to get out of that relationship, or stay and raise yet a third child under that type of bad family relationship. I'd suggest getting out as soon as you can, and as was said, with three kids there, and two previous, and becoming a single mother...it's going to be hell. But you can't go back and change the past where you have fewer kids to possibly raise and support alone. So it's a situation that will be affected by those past decisions, one you'll just have to make the best of.
The "judgment" was not the the jist of the posts. It just seems to be all you took from it and got angry. Like I said somewhere, it may just be hormones. Been through that time recently myself. Still somewhat breast-feeding and still cry at the drop of a hat sometimes. Hormones are a biotch. But this has been going for a couple days now, can't be ALL hormones. Just try breathing and re-reading something before lashing out thinking everyone just pointed fingers at you and refused to even offer any advice. There was lots of advice. If you want more, you'd have to get more specific on what you're looking for. _______
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Hi! I may have misread something, but I just wanted to clarify, I haven't had three abortions. Just the one.
The pregnancies, the first time. I was 17 1/2 and to be honest, I came from a pretty "frigid" household and sex just was never ever ever discussed, other than by virtue of the fact that my parent's DIDN'T have sex and HADN'T had sex, probably since I'd been conceived. At the time I got pregnant the first time, I ran an EXTREMELY short cycle, 18 - 21 days... I think the whole sex act took a grand total of 3 minutes from what I can recall.. a holiday party, was drinking (I know.. bad.. and I wasn't a drinker, hence why I got drunk).
Anyway... rather than terminate the pregnancy, it was always my intention that I was giving the child up.. which I did.
The 2nd pregnancy... I mentioned it was an abusive relationship. I was HIGHLY co-dependent in that one and he was sexually.... aggressive... to use a nice word. I think it was his INTENT to get me pregnant and probably sabotaged the method of birth control used to accomplish that goal. There honestly was NO other choice, otherwise I would have stayed tied to that man and he was, and still is, I believe, highly dangerous. It took me moving 3 times, to three different towns to get a police department that would actually deal with a domestic abuse case properly AND deal with a suspect whose family was "connected" (I'm from a state where the mob has a pretty high prominence, or it used to in the 70's and 80's.. the time period for this situation is the late 80's early 90's) and who had numerous cousins and such in law enforcement. When he stole my car? Called the cops, had 7 witnesses and who showed up? Three cousins. What did they do? They let him tow the car away. I found it several months later, burned out in a bad section of town. When I finally DID move somewhere where they paid attention, they didn't take any crap whatsoever, and basically harassed the guy on every B&E in the city for months (he had a habit of breaking into my apartments and beating on me so he had several arrests for Breaking and Entering). When he was finally arrested, put to trial and sentenced, the local cops continued to monitor my residence for probably about a year after. When I met my first husband? Cops actually pulled him over, checked him out and warned him not to mess with me. Scared the bejesus out of him.
Not trying to justify.. or maybe I am. But I'll honestly say.. I'm, I think??, a rare woman who has been through all three of the possible "what to do with a baby" question and I can say I have no problem living with the abortion.. but when I had my problems with the pregnancy with this child (who WAS wanted and who WAS planned.. albeit a bit sooner than expected, but only b/c my husband/I both anticipated some fertility issues) I had a serious problem with "karma" I guess and feeling that her being premature was my punishment for giving a child UP.. but not for the termination.
That may sound bad... but I guess it's just how my mind has compartmentalized/dealt with the bad stuff. The four years with that man, of which 2 was spent trying to get RID of that man, were sheer, unadulterated HE!!.. Just horrendous. He threatened everyone from me, my friends, my boss, my boss' wife, my boss' kids, my parents... you name it. There was NO way I'd be able to live for 18 years, never mind a lifetime, with him on a day-to-day basis.. I honestly and truly believe he would have eventually killed me.
Anyway, just sharing :) I didn't take it as a criticism at all. I'm pretty cool with where I'm at with those situations and I'm okay with talking about them. Sometimes it's good to take the old skeletons out and dust 'em off and remember how we got to where we are, lol.
And ahhhh.. ok.. you win the age prize :) I just got an earlier start, lol...
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Well as long as you hit reply on the post your responding to...
I read in threaded mode, so I see your reply under the last post you clicked on. So far the posts have been easy to figure out which one they're in response to. As for the previous response to my post...
You don't need to defend your kids first off. Your kids have done NOTHING. And you don't really need to defend what you did in the past. It was done, it was recognized, you were told it wasn't the best decision, and you move on from there and work with the advice you got and ask for more tailored to the specific area you're seeking it for.
I can even understand a difficult time with pregnancy. While my marriage is great (this time around, cause I've had two that didn't work and there's something I've been judged on in the past and so what), the MOMENT wasn't the greatest. We'd BOTH just quit our jobs (AND my health insurance) to move over 700 miles to take care of my husband's ailing parents once he received a letter from their family doctor that they both suffered from differing forms of dementia and couldn't care for themselves. We were 24/7 on call taking his kidney infected, bed ridden mother to the bathroom, most of our belongings in storage and no income coming in, while trying to keep his dad from burning the house down around us all. As against abortion as I am, we even fleetingly considered it. Hubby is just as against it, but would have said nothing if that had been my choice. But it just wasn't something I could "seriously" consider. We basically had one conversation with the doctor about it, case dropped. And we made the best of it. State put his parents in a home and sold theirs and we got on with our lives and just recently bought a house.
Just as you'll get on with your life. The point of the discussion on your continuing having kids was two-fold (from my standpoint), one in that if anyone else in an abusive relationship reads here, perhaps they'll think twice before allowing that to happen to them...bringing more kids into that type of situation. If it stops just one more from doing it, it's at least one more child that won't have to grow up in that type of family, or in a divided family when it all fails. And the other was to point out that because of that choice to have more, it's going to be triply (is that a word) bad on you AND your kids. You won't have you or you and one to feed, but you and three (not including the two from the prior relationship). It's going to be rough, very rough, if your marriage fails. And frankly, with the behavior you've described, I don't see how it could, or should, survive.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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No no. I was meaning with kem, which is where this started, and getting pregnant twice more after knowing he was abusive. Just something that could have been prevented and that hopefully others will prevent because here is where it can end up.
See you made some bad decisions, but it sounds like you learned from them. That's all I was trying for with kem, that she not get into another abusive relationship, but IF she does, definately make sure the BC is working properly and doubly protected. If we never learn from our mistakes, we're doomed to repeat them.
I had a friend who had an abortion at 16. The last I knew her, she was still having nightmares about it years later. She had a real hard time dealing with it but felt like everyone was pushing her into it at the time. The guy didn't wanna play daddy and her parents were willing to just pay and get it done with, and the doctor didn't bother explaining anything about how she might feel later on about it. She had to find that out the hard way. Knowing what she went through with that, I just could never subject myself to it. I'm not sure I feel the whole abortion = murder. I'm more into being responsible for our choices and that if someone gets pregnant who wasn't physically raped, then they should suck it up and do the responsible thing...have the child and either take care of the baby or put it up for adoption. I dunno...maybe I feel a little like it's murder and why I have a problem with people choosing it. But it's more that they choose it too often as a quick and easy way out of a difficult situation they put themself into. But again, that's their decision. Mine is simply to not do it for myself.
I may even have gotten an earlier start than you. My daughter is 22 yo. My son is 16 mo. LOL I had her when I was 19 and him at 40. I believe in spacing them out. Ya know, kick one out and marry em off before having another? LOL JK
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Char Fox
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Lol.. too funny. You win, you started earlier ;)
I totally agree, btw, with everything you've said to the OP.
As for me and the abortion issue. I do have a slight philosophical difference on the topic. And I view this as healthy discussion, not nasty debate btw... you mentioned unless you were raped and being responsible and sucking it up. Unfortunately, without sterilization (and I will say, when I had mine, there was a 40'something year old woman who WAS sterilized and still got pregnant.. already had 6 chlidren I think it was.. and was completely freaked she got pregnant AFTER getting her tubes tied.. which mine are now also, btw). Anyway, in terms of being responsible and sorry to quote "sucking it up". In certain cases, ie: abuse.. doing that would mean essentially staying trapped in some way shape or form, with an abuser, for life. In my case, I did ever so briefly consider another adoption; however, I knew how hard that was to live with on a day-to-day basis (my son is almost 20.. I am from a closed adoption state and we have a "registry" but evidently he hasn't registered yet). It's a very very hard thing to live with not knowing whether your child is healthy or sick, alive or dead, happy or miserable. With the abortion, there was a finality that I could live with.
Anyway, that wasn't my point.. sorry. Had I chosen adoption, I would have had to have gained the father's permission, something that he NEVER would have granted. Or it would have meant giving him custody.. and given his issues, given his other 3 children (one of whom has serious serious serious mental issues), I couldn't allow that either. Having the child and keeping it would have meant, he had rights. And he would have owned me. Wrong phrasing but it would NOT have been good.
Hopefully, we'll be able to educate our daughters through own own examples and teach them about safe sex, when sex is appropriate (I know, I'm a sap.. but hopefully waiting for the right guy... when you're like.. oh, I don't know... 30???? lol). Have to admit I wanted a girl this time... and now I'm probably 10 times more a nervous wreck that she IS a girl, lol :)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I had my tubes tied this last time too. Can't afford to get pregnant again in another 21 years...which is my track record. LOL I asked the doctor what "tying" meant. He cuts out a section. I asked if he would burn them then completely remove them. LOL Now IF mine happen to come untied, then grow back, oh well. It's the chance I take. I could STILL take BC and/or require my hubby to use a condom if I were really deadset against ever taking the chance on getting pregnant again. But I figure if I'm going to be a statistical anomaly, its gonna happen no matter what I do and I'll just suck it up and make the best of it. I figure it's ALWAYS (absent rape) our choice to take the risk, no matter how small or non-existent we feel the risk to be. Anyway, it's just not something I could choose for myself.
As for adoption, my aunt was adopted by my grandmother when she was two. Grandma kept foster kids and got her at 3 days old right from the hospital. When she filled out the adoption papers, they said it would never happen. Grandma's white, Kim's mixed. Two years later, it happened. At 18, Kim tried the registry, they said she had to be 21. Do you know the age requirement for yours? Anyway, she went back after 21 and her mother had already left her name there. So they got together. She found out that her white mother's parents were going to kick her out of the house at 16, if she kept the baby by a black guy. So she gave her up. Her mom and dad later married, but then divorced and mom married a white guy, dad married a black gal, and Kim says with all her sibblings, she feels like part of a rainbow. LOL
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Char Fox
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Hi!
Our registry is 18 years old. I went through an agency and selected his parents, actually during my THIRD day of labor, on the delivery table, lol. My 1st was 43 weeks, 10lb 9oz.. compared to my 2nd.. 29 weeks, 3lb 2oz.. go figure.
Anyway, he was to have gotten sort sort of letter from the adoption agency at age 18.. kinda like "here's your parent's life" in the Cliff Notes version. I'm kinda figuring right now my life isn't quite where it's supposed to be just yet, and when/if, the time is right.. it'll happen, if it is meant to be.
As for tubals... From what I was told by my high risk ob.. Tubals done as procedures SEPARATE to childbirth (ie: specifically c-section), do have a statistically higher failure rate than those done in conjunction with a c-section. I gather it's b/c with the section you're already sliced and diced and all is there for them to see, versus doing it separate via laparoscopy (spelling??) where they're viewing through a scope and might not do it quite right? Or at least that's what they said.
I'll admit I have some pretty crazy a**/radical ideas on the whole reproductive system, lol. Frankly, if I'm tying my tubes b/c I don't want children, then why do I need to hang on to the uterus itself? I mean, really? Don't take the ovaries (although, technically, you could take one away, and still have enough estrogen to stave off menopause.. a friend of mine had a nearly total hysterectomy at 30.. they left a sliver of an ovary... that was enough to keep her non-menopausal w/o drugs). Anyway, say I don't want more children.. tie my tubes. Take the uterus!!! No more babies should equal no more periods (a horrible anti-female experience if ever there was one). If I've got a healthy uterus (although in this case, I no longer do but leave that aside).. why not transplant into someone who DOESN'T have one? Or whose isn't healthy?
I figure they transplant hearts, lungs, livers, corneas, you name it.. heck they just transplanted like a face right? Why not a uterus? a) b/c it isn't needed by a man (not that I'm a man-hater or feminist by any stretch but seriously.. men started needing penis transplants, I bet you'd see them right quick, lol) and b) b/c it would take out a whole industry of folks making beaucoup bucks on making babies. Why not transplant healthy uteruses (probably definately not a word) from women who no longer need/want them into women whose own isn't healthy? I mean, jeesh, how much more complicated can a uterus be than a heart? Or a lung?
Okay, sorry, that's my crazy medical idea for the day ;) No, I'm not a lunatic, I swear.. Probably my only truly crazy idea.. but I honestly don't think it's entirely crazy... I'm sure lots of infertile women wouldn't think so?
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I'm sure if someone had enough money, they could pay some high priced doctor and pay off some poor single woman and get her uterus. ;)
I had my tubal done when I delivered, but I didn't have a C-section. Actually, they did the tubal the next morning, something about availability.
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Char Fox
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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What a bunch of psycho bitches you are!
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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What a troll you are. ;)
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Char Fox
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]What a troll you are. ;) [/quote]
Uh-oh.. methinks we do offend :) I told you it was a radical idea, lol...
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I don't think they were offended at all. Someone you never see posting coming in for a hit and run like that? Pure trollism. Just a poor pathetic soul seeking jollies for a miserable life in their parents' basement by trying to stir up crap on a bulletin board. ;)
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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_____don't think they were offended at all. Someone you never see posting coming in for a hit and run like that? Pure trollism. Just a poor pathetic soul seeking jollies for a miserable life in their parents' basement by trying to stir up crap on a bulletin board. ;) ____
Oh now..come on almostheaven...you're just assuming things about that person...he/she does have the right to their opinion about you guys...I mean you opened yourselves up for judgement. Retaliating only shows them that it bothered you and we all know that you're a tough person who doesn't allow other's to offend you. And aren't you makiing an assumption to say they live with their parent's..my God they were only trying to be helpful by stating a fact...Isn't that obvious? ;)
Edited by kemahapalew (02/13/07 10:03 PM)
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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After 7+ years in family law in two states, I would say I know what I am talking about. Plus one of the other posters is an attorney.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Oh now..come on almostheaven...you're just assuming things about that person...he/she does have the right to their opinion about you guys...I mean you opened yourselves up for judgement.
---> Good heavens...pot meet kettle.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I was joking Gecko...I guess you didn't see the sarcasm huh? I was basically told the same thing by everyone else...go back and read the shi#.
And by the way..I don't think that overcoming evil was talking about any of the legal advice that I had gotten from anyone.
I'm impressed that you have so much knowledge of law. I majored in forensic psychology and minored in criminal justice...somehow I don't find that I'm suitable to give people advice in the criminal aspect. And as far as having an attorney come to this site...that doesn't make that person there for only the reason to help.
And everyone was right..as long as you air your stuff you're always going to risk the chance of a crackpot giving their "judgement" and their two cents just because I think it gives them a sense of power. I find it amusing that the same ones who put me down for not being able to "take it" are the same ones who find the need to defend themselves as well...I don't know about you but I call that hypocrasy.
I will try to stay away from this thread because in my eyes it's been more detrimental to me, other then the little bit of advice I recieved..the best of course being from "overcoming evil". So vent all you want...come back at me with a vengeance...I will no longer feed the fuel. I'm done. Good luck to all of you with dealing with your own issues. Hopefully you can put a little more effort into that then "blessing" people with your all-knowing opinions, judgement and advice.
Here's a classic example of that wonderful advice I was given:
First of all when someone asks for advice they're not asking for judgment.
---> Then you need to talk to your mommy or your girlfriends if you ONLY want to hear the "good stuff".
---> What I don't understand is why you married this guy in the first place. As you said...you're NOT some stupid, naive child and THREE marriages SHOULD have had you fleeing.
I'll go back to my "Mommy" and girlfriends...Maybe that's the advice I should have stuck with in the beginning huh? Great knowledge of the law there Gecko.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/14/07 05:01 AM)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You do seem to have a problem with people making judgments about you. And yet you continue to prove them right. ;)
There's no assumptions needed on my part hon. Look up the definition of troll. The poster in question was a perfect example of it, regardless of their "opinion".
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You're just making juddddddddddgggggggggments. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ok, I'm done now. ::snicker::
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Char Fox
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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----> trying to stir up crap on a bulletin board.
With over 4000 posts, it looks as if you are the expert. Well, we all have to be good at something, right? :cool:
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]----> trying to stir up crap on a bulletin board.
With over 4000 posts, it looks as if you are the expert. Well, we all have to be good at something, right? :cool: [/quote]
Jeesh... why don't you share YOUR wealth of experience and advice? Or all your mental capacity allows is to drop little "nasty bombs" and then fly away? Shoooooo.. go 'way...
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Olivia000102
recently joined
Reged: 02/14/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Buffalo New York
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I agree with you zep.
I'm new to this site but after reading this whole thread and all the different post it really discusted me. The posts on this were really cruel. I won't be desperate enough to go into any details with my situation..heck no. I don't want these vultures attacking me! Whew!
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Olivia000102
recently joined
Reged: 02/14/07
Posts: 6
Loc: Buffalo New York
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I don't want advice from you almost heaven because being an older woman you kinda sound like a child. I'll stear clear from you. Hey kema, keep your chin up. I believe things will get better for you, just have hope and be strong. I liked the way you defended yourself, that was cool and I think you really got to them. This was really entertaining. Thanks all.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Funny how these "new on this site" posters come out to pat the long-time lurker trolls on the back. Easy too. Especially on a site where just anyone can sign up multiple handles and pat themselves. ;)
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Overcoming, Zep. Sheesh! Give it up already. Enough multiple personalities to qualify for your own psych ward.
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Char Fox
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Oh my goodness! And they think WE'RE crazy??? I'll be happy to be older and have some semblance of a clue than whatever these folks are... evidently our original poster brought along her own little pep squad.. how nice for her :)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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After this thread, I see Olivia's thread above. SHE may be a real poster. But until she's been here awhile, she really needs to buy a clue before jumping in the middle of things she really has no knowledge of. Made me think she's a multiple. There are just so many here.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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You two are absolutely nuts...people came on here and said a few nice things to me and made comments to you and you're going to turn around and make yourselves sound even nuttier then you are...I definently agree with Zep. I notice your post now Char Fox....4244...wow...that's a lot. For a 42 year old woman and a great happy marriage you sure have a lot of time on your hands to be giving advice on a divorce site of all things (happy marriage?). I personally think you're nuts Char. It seems Preemie kind of goes right along with you.
Very immature and childish to think I brought my own little pep club preemie. You two are are from the same mold that's for sure..you're both mental..that's how you come across and obviously I'm happy to say I'm not the only who seems to think so. It kinda makes me wonder where you're coming from to think someone has enough time on their hands to play stupid games. I hope all the others read this and get a laugh out of it. You two have definently proven yourselves.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/15/07 07:01 AM)
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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[quote]You're just making juddddddddddgggggggggments. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ok, I'm done now. ::snicker:: [/quote]
Oh my....immaturity at it's best. You actually kind of gross me out to be honest with you. You're strange...that's all I can say.
My question to you would be : Why not go on a site for people wanting advice on good marriages and little tips on keeping their marriage alive and healthy? Could it be because maybe, just maybe your marriage is not as good as you make others think?? I highly doubt you have a happy marriage..but of course I'm just making assumptions now aren't I good ole char.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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[quote]Funny how these "new on this site" posters come out to pat the long-time lurker trolls on the back. Easy too. Especially on a site where just anyone can sign up multiple handles and pat themselves. ;) [/quote]
I agree..they are just crawling out of the woodworks!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Yeah...here you are another crazy who comes out of the woodwork to put in her opinion. An expert with 9105 posts...be proud of yourself. What an accomplishment!
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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[quote]Yeah...here you are another crazy who comes out of the woodwork to put in her opinion. An expert with 9105 posts...be proud of yourself. What an accomplishment! [/quote]
Well I am more pround of being on this site than having 5 kids with different dads, one being an abuser. I guess you should be proud of yourself you. You are a very sad STATISTIC!!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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If you don't AGREE with kem, you're stupid, nuts, immature, what else...oh yeah, you must have a bad marriage too, because God forbid you have all those posts because you've been here for YEARS. Unlike those who come in and log 50 in just TWELVE DAYS. My oh my. Did someone say pot kettle? ;)
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Char Fox
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Unbelievable this girl!!!! Evidently Dr. Phil didn't do such a good job.. definately shouldn't be using HER as a professional reference ;)
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Well....remember the day...way back when...when they turned on the lights, so to speak...back there behind the scenes....the day they unexpectedly started to display IP's? Wasn't that an intersting day? I wonder what we'd find if they did that again...today.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You have over 2000 posts. She'll attack you next. She IS on a roll afterall. ;)
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Dr. Phil, Maury, Jerry...they all specialize in nutjobs.
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Char Fox
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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I'm shivering in my boots...lol. Roll on down!!!
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I bet this is the most fun you guys have had in a long time, huh?
That's funny you guys are making a big deal about being on the Dr. Phil show and also comparing it to trailor trash shows like Maury and Jerry Springer. So you believe the Dr. Phil show is for nutcases huh almostheaven? That's interesting? You know how I picture you? A big, Loud, obnoxious person who has to have the last word in. With the big bleached-blond hillbilly hair and the crater face who's so unhappy with herself that she just doesn't know what to do with herself. You are the Jerry Springer type..from your picture and the things you've said..I wholeheartly believe it.
And no...I've been married twice..like lots of people and have made mistakes like lots of people..However two years from now I will not be sitting here still on this site and giving advice to every post on here as If i know everything about everything. But go ahead and justify yourselves...please by all means. I understand that this site is probably really addictive for you. POWER!!!
It's funny how you all attack like a pack of dogs. All ready to defend your honor with being good old advice givers.
I don't think I really have to say anything about the IP's..I wish they still showed them as well...but I'm also well aware that every person that wrote in will hopefully have something to say about all of you thinking that they're not real. It makes me wonder how you would even think something like that unless you've done it before. I think I've hit a sore spot considering here come people who have not had anything to say until I've mentioned something about people with a lot of posts. Wow..I think I may have offended a few, huh.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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You won't be sitting on this site because you'll be busy re-populating the Earth. Better you than me!!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Oh..by the way Char..i haven't posted 50 posts to people claiming to know anything and everything abuot their situations or having to give my two cents in to EVERY single situation. This has pretty much been one thread, defending myself to a bunch of psycho bit####. I think one other post called you that as well. I believe this has become a competition for all of you. Let's see who can get the last word. It's fun isn't it. I'm trying to get this whole thread removed if possible..so hurry and show your comedic sides all of you..it's your one chance to shine with your wit.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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LOL!!! That was a good one. Good job Miranda...I'm so proud of you. Oh and by the way...you're probably right better me then you. Over 9,000 posts in a year and a half...something to be proud of.
Edited by kemahapalew (02/15/07 09:18 AM)
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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roflmao!!! This IS entertaining! "Let's see who can get the last word". I'm noting a bit of projection here.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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.. so help me understand. If we're so horrendous and AH and Miranda and I are such horrible terrible people with nothing of value to add to you, why would you even still be following the thread at all?
As for Dr. Phil, Maury, etc etc etc. They're ENTERTAINMENT shows. Anyone who seriously thinks they're going to go on a syndicated talk show, funded by ADVERTISERS and get REAL, LONG-TERM, or BENEFICIAL results is kinda disillusioned. You'd be better off using your health insurance, or, if your husband is military if I recall???? Your health insurance WILL cover counseling. My father has been a civil servant of the United States Navy for almost 50 years now and has received counseling services at various points over those years. Why you wouldn't avail yourself of THOSE services instead of going on a TALK SHOW is beyond me.
As for anyone who is still posting, post divorce... like AH and others. I don't know the current status of her present marriage personally, but from all I understand it is quite happy. EVERY marriage has "issues"; however, I think why some folks are here post-divorce is a) not every issue in a marriage is resolved BY divorce, particularly when their are children involved and b) having moved on from a divorce, onto a happier and healthier relationship or marriage, does not diminish the person's EXPERIENCE in having been divorced.
I'm surprised you are our age. Your responses and thought processes more closely resemble those of some of my friends in their mid 20's. Very immature, highly irrational, overly romanticized.
You are in a troubled marriage and you SHOULD seek counseling for both yourself and for your spouse through a licensed, qualified professional.. with whom you can both whether individually or collectively, discuss your issues and work them, on an ongoing basis.. and not on an hour long talk show program.
That is my point about "Dr. Phil". How one would ever expect a long-term benefit from your 15 minutes on an hour long show is beyond me. And while they may have promised services.. for how long? Counseling could take months, years even. How much did Dr. Phil pony up for?
Seriously, I'd look into your medical coverage.. check into like employee assistance programs for your husband and see if they offer counseling.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Hon the only one here that seems offended are those flying off the handle at everything said because they just can't staaaaaaaaaaaand it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa Ooops, that would be you. My bad. ;)
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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It appears she'd have "gotten it" by now and toned it down some, but if anything, she just gets hotter and hotter. Which makes it all even funnier.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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>>>>>.. so help me understand. If we're so horrendous and AH and Miranda and I are such horrible terrible people with nothing of value to add to you, why would you even still be following the thread at all?
Summed that one up in a nutshell. Why? Because she feels like she has to KEEP on justifying her actions to the point of sheer ridiculousness.
>>>>>I'm surprised you are our age. Your responses and thought processes more closely resemble those of some of my friends in their mid 20's. Very immature, highly irrational, overly romanticized.
The "highly irrational" part is what keeps sticking out to me.
>>>>>As for anyone who is still posting, post divorce... like AH and others. I don't know the current status of her present marriage personally,
And note I have felt any kind of need to defend it either. ;) But the gist of it is, I'm here for PAST issues and current related to child support from that PAST. ;) Being that I've been through two divorces, I figure I know a little bit about how the system works somewhat.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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That speaks volumes right there. If you feel a need so strongly to defend yourself so much, maybe a doctor better than Phil might be of more service to you.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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They so fail to understand that at one point, if they'd just stop digging themselves deeper, threads die out on their own.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Thank you for that mature response. I appreciate it..I really do.
In one of my post I explained why we went on the Dr. Phil show..it wasn't for the 15 minutes..we recieved very good marital counceling afterwards for however long we wanted or needed it. That was promised to me before we even went on the show. My husband was only part-time reserves during this time that we had the counceling. We did not have insurance for counceling. The show took place in October and he left for active duty reserves ( which would allowed him to finish his twenty years for his pension) in January. Counceling subsided especially considering also that it didn't feel worth it to me to continue indidvially because she was in Cleveland which was well over an hour drive. We were getting somewhere with it together and then he had to leave.
You're right..when i read some of my retaliations I do feel like I'm acting immature because I don't do this crap...chat rooms, sites like this for advice. The computer to me is usually information, paying bills, occassional emails, and my banking..that's it. I felt desperate like I did years ago and wrote to a site that I thought would be informative and I did not have an idea that initially I would be attacked as a person. I guess I hit my boiling point. I don't normally have a temper..anyone who knows me will tell you that but I guess I just got caught up in all the nonsense and began to spout as well as everyone else. Well I am truly done now. I don't want lower myself any longer. I got the real advice I needed from overcoming_evil and a little from Maury. That was enough for me. I've had enough of this stupid drama that has actually taken my attention away from the real matter at hand and has even taken my attention from my two little boys.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Although others may not..make sure you go back and read all of this with an objective point of view..You're just as immature and just idiotic and anyone else. You keep coming back as well so please again...hypocrasy at it's best.
I'm finished lowering myself. I've had enough. You'll be here years from now sharing your wisdom..two stars after all those post tells me that it hasn'tbeen too good.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I've been through a divorce to and child support issues..I'm not an expert nor would I be so narcisstic to think that i am.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Here we go again... another fairly newbie who knows nothing of the old, original DS set up.
So here is a bit of history, education or whatever for the newbies who came on board after the old set up changed....
There are many posters here who were part of the original set up. WHen DS decided on the registration requirement that wanted more info that a mere screen name, many of the old timers provided the info, and this shows as their date of registration. In a lot of cases, the poster has been here much longer than that.
Now here is the part that might get confusing...... the # of their posts carried over. Thus, those 9000 posts did NOT occur in 1.5 years. They could have been over a 10 year span for all you know.
I just laugh when I see one of these posts about how many posts in x amount of time... sure sign of someone who has not been around long! Trying to insult someone and come off looking like an idiot to anyone who has been around here a while.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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>>You know how I picture you? A big, Loud, obnoxious person who has to have the last word in. With the big bleached-blond hillbilly hair and the crater face who's so unhappy with herself that she just doesn't know what to do with herself. You are the Jerry Springer type..from your picture and the things you've said..I wholeheartly believe it.<<
I think that's a great description of "almost heaven" (LOL) Not only is she the Jerry Springer type, she's advising newly divorced women to apply for welfare! No kidding! I've got her number. No wonder she has so much time to devote to these boards. Welfare! Puhleeze!!
Someone else mentioned that the number of these posts could span back ten years! Amazing! If you wack jobs are still on this board after ten friggin years, no wonder all you do is pick and grin.
One more thing--- IP addresses don't prove a damn thing. I have AOL. Big friggin deal. So do millions of others.
Buh bye Bitches!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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That's great info and good for all of you...There's no part of me that feels like an idiot. The info means nothing to me. I've looked throughout this whole entire site and I see some of the same people over and over again answering just about every single thread and sometimes coming across as if they have the answers no matter how "no-brainers" the advice is. I see no class in these particular women, no real education, and no real advice. I don't include all because there are some very good people on here who do care about giving advice here and there. To be honest with you all of this really doesn't center around how many posts someone has...that was brought up by someone else in their post and I thought it really does look as if they have no life. I lowered myself because I became angry with the ignorance of a bunch of women who I wouldn't know in a grocery store. I let it get to me and I retaliated...very stupid.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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LOL...Way to go Zep! Oh by the way did you see where you're not a real person but someone I made up?..read back a few posts.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I guess the problem here was, you weren't "attacked". You FELT attacked and you lashed out and kept lashing, started name calling and all kinds of immature responses. You got advice, but didn't want it because of the judgment about having kids in an abusive relationship. But it wasn't an attack. It's no different than you stating an opinion that you think someone should try and obtain work rather than living on welfare indefinately. I've stated that one myself to people who claim to sit home and collect welfare and CS. It just makes good sense that they NEED to get a job just as people NEED to think twice before bringing children into an abusive situation. People gave an opinion on that, they didn't attack you.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Big word for you...narcisstic (not spelled correctly, but still a good try). Now here's a new word for you...illiterate. Because "I figure I know a LITTLE BIT about how the system works SOMEWHAT" isn't even close to "an expert". Yet still a nice try. I'm gonna have to dub you a troll for such blatant illiteracy.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I've been trying to figure out for two days now why you respond TWICE to everything. I think I know now. But I'll keep that opinion to myself. I'd hate you to think you were being "attacked" again. We all know you can't take it.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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And here YOU were the one talking about how bad hillbilly's are. Yet you can't even remain in control of yourself to not get so bent out of shape "angry" over what one of these people you wouldn't even know in a grocery store said to you. I'll try not to insult an entire state full of people over it though. ;)
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Buh bye troll. :D
Oh, AOL? ROFLMFAO! Get a real internet. ;)
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Char Fox
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Well, you did mention the 9000 posts in the one you made at 10:16 AM today.
This whole thread is ridiculous.... and I only read it because I work during the day and can't watch money man Phil and Jerry Springer.
Juvenile name calling points to juveniles posting. SNow day maybe?
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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>>>>>she's advising newly divorced women to apply for welfare!
I just have to ask. What would YOU suggest to a poster who doesn't make enough to feed her children and has been recently abandoned. She already WORKS. But she doesn't make enough. Would you advise her to get a college degree within one month, before her bills come due, and hopefully get her first paycheck before the lights get shut off? If so, I'd like to see you explain the logistics of it.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Big difference here, spelling something correctly while on line does not make for a great speller there char. It's called search engine. I didn't take the time to look it up as you did.
As far as entering two posts at one time? How many do you enter at one time..go back and look.
A hillbilly to me, is a person with no class, very hard looking and acting, and no conscience...has nothing to do with southern people versus northern people in my eyes...Hillbilly's are everywhere...I've been to Charleston..to the little museum there for children. I really like it there..In fact I've been all over the united states as well as two other countries..so no..it doesn't really have to do with a race, with geography, sex, age..etc..it has to do with personna. And of course that is only my opinion.
And sorry..no matter how you cut it you were a b### to me intially and you did attack and if you read back I didn't attack back until later, I only said things in my defense. There were some pretty mean things said to me. Again, just as you have your "opinions" I have the right to defend myself. Sorry..bottom line. You do a pretty good job at retaliating yourself, which in my eyes is a defense mechanism. Come on..get over Char. You're a big strong woman remember...am I really getting to you that much?
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I hope you're speaking to everyone on this thread. You're right..a lot of things said on this thread are ridiculous and immature. There's been a lot of name calling, putting down and insulting from quite a few people. So, hopefully you've read this entire thread.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Look what up? Hon, I didn't look up anything. I KNOW how to spell illiterate. ;) And I don't need to go back and look. I seldom give two responses to the same post. You do it to nearly every other post of mine.
And hon if you think being a biotch is saying that I agree with the previous poster on the issue of how you should NOT have kept having kids in that type of relationship, and that in doing so, you've made the situation MORE difficult to get out of, BUT that you still CAN correct it to an extent and to help, you're going to need the counselor's testimony to protect your kids and you're going to get the courage to stand up and get a job against his objections as moral support of that position...then you have a real hard time figuring out what the term biotch means. I think thou doth protest too much.
And no dahling, you're not "getting to me" in the least. From the anger you keep portraying though, over just that post I've just reiterated to you, from all the insults and name calling you keep engaging in, from the downing of an entire class of people to try and backup your points...you're sounding more childish by the moment. And something has DEFINATELY gotten to you. I said before to breath and try reading again. And you STILL haven't caught on. Oh well. You can only do so much with your type of immaturity.
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Char Fox
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Yes I did read the entire thread... that is how I know that it WAS you who made the comment about the 9000 posts at 10:16 am today. You say it was someone else, but the proof is above. Thus IMO you lied and then chose not to respond when you tripped yourself up.
AH has been around here a long time and helped a lot of people. Gecko... I often find her style caustic, but what she is saying is often right on. ANd they are both good at spotting "trolls" and I think they have done so again. They might be suffering from cabin fever... that is the only reason I can see that they have have continued to post in this thread that gets more ridiculous with each of your posts.
As for me... I at this time have better things to do than read the words of a troll, or if not a troll.... someone with a problem that requires more than anyone here can help with.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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LOL Hell I've just been taking breaks from remodeling. ;)
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Char Fox
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I imagine you need a break from that ! We have a major remodel going on at work. Today they chose to stain doors and cut wood. They had the area cordoned off with heavy duty tarps from ceiling to cubicle wall... and same over file cabinets left in the area. Did that days ago, then left and the project has been that way with nothing further done.
Can't figure out what they were protecting from as no further work was done. SO today, before they start sawing wood (and without one of those hose and bag things attached to the saw to catch the sawdust) they took down the plastic and uncovered the file cabs.
Sawdust everywhere and will probably be recirculated via the ventilation system. We can't figure out the logic.
How is the house remodel coming along? Getting near to being finished?
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Oh my God..this is amazing. You definitely have a hard time understanding that I saw the advice that was given ok Char...I saw that. "NO Brainer" advice from you..Thank you so much. And Yes..I was bugged because I was told to stop having children as if that were some truly expert advice that I had not come to terms with myself. That is not advice and not necessary. What kind of fools do you take people for Char.
I'm very confused about this two post thing. Please elaborate on that one because your analogy or your little hints that I made up other people is completely ridiculous and makes me question alot about you. I can't wait to hear this one.
Here's everything in a nutshell...People do not come on a particular site searching for answers only to be reminded of their mistakes or made to look like a fool for even asking for advice. When a person does that to another person it's low class in my eyes. Sorry. I thought this was somewhat of a professional site. You breath..and read everything again. Look at how defensive you've become and how immature some of your posts have been. I mean come on...You have no right to say anything to me about insults or immaturity or writing so many posts in a row...you've done it all yourself. Of course it's convenient to overlook though right? Let's see I've been cut down about the Dr. Phil show, cut down about my baby, cut down for marrying my husband, cut down for misspelling, cut down and told I"ve made up other people (multiple personalitie), I've even been told that I'm a victim by choice basically and to give up my children for their sake..etc, etc, etc, and the list goes on. But as you would say to me Char..WAAAAAAAA..right? Your wise, mature words.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Well I finished the kitchen...my part anyway. I finally got my cabinet maker there this week. Should have my new cabinet and spice drawers in by the end of next week. So I started on the downstairs bath next. It's done now all but the border. That should be delivered by the end of next week, so should have pics available that weekend. I have some pics now without the border if you want. There's 5 of the downstairs bath (http://www.techtrek.com/Hold/House/Tri-Level/Before%20&%20After/). And if you go to http://www.techtrek.com/Hold/House/Tri-Level/, there's 3 of the bath before in there. You can't tell much about the walls because I stayed with the same hue. But it was tileboard with gold flecks and now it's just paint. I changed the cabinet handles, tile, baseboard, medicine cabinet and light panels. I also painted all the insides of the cabinets in there, but its also something you won't see in the pics. But that's my last big project. I have a lot of small issues to keep me busy a bit, but I'm starting to get back into my exercise routine again. And once this weather breaks, we can start getting back out to the park.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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Read the whole thing Karen before making assumptions. I've made comments to the number of postings only after someone else made the comment. It really makes no difference. Obviously I insulted you by that and you and "AH" are good ole friends..can't go up against that. Of course your opinions are going to be about the same. This is a big web by the way and lots of people can go to this site and I'm sure new ones come here everyday considering how easy it was to find. Every person has the right to come on this site and ask their questions and comment to what they feel is wrong with how someone is being treated. Your little Troll name that you've given them is rediculous. What is this? A cult? LOL ...is there some type of ownership to this site...I guess I don't get it. So...the longer you're here the more rights you have as to what you can say to someone or treat someone..is that right?
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I haven't taken you for a fool hon, just an immature child who is into foot stomping and rampages. Those kind of children usually run out of steam eventually. I'm just waiting to see how long it takes. ;)
What was "NO Brainer" was asking for advice but not specifying what kind of advice you were looking for. You said you wanted help for a mother of 5. That was IT. And getting the counselor's testimony needs to be a step in that help. If it's so "NO Brainer", then what the hell did you come here for? You want me to tell YOU to sign up for welfare too? I figure that's ALSO quite a no brainer. But you're probably too "proud" to admit you might need it for a bit, or too proud to say if you would...or too immature to, I dunno. Sounds to me like you just wanted to shout out that you kept having kids with an abusive man and now you want someone to give you some mythical advice that you consider noteworthy and not something that might be readily apparent to you if we could all read your mind. And that if you don't get that advice, you're going to start insulting and acting childish.
>>>>>I'm very confused about this two post thing.
Easy, not confusing at all. I write a post, you respond to that particular post...TWICE. I read in threaded mode so it's readily apparent to me. If you read in flat mode, you won't catch it unless you're checking who the reply is to. As an example, in my post " Hooray!...", written to preemiemom, you responded "ve been through a divorce to and child support issues..I'm not an expert nor would I be so narcisstic to think that i am." Then you posted a SECOND response to that same post stating "Although others may not..make sure you go back and read all of this with an objective point of view..........."
>>>>>Sorry. I thought this was somewhat of a professional site.
Well if getting your counselor's testimony is such a "NO Brainer", I'd have thought you'd have smarts enough to KNOW that a "public" forum is NOT a professional forum. The SITE may be professional, but then you didn't go to the site, to the attorneys. You came to a free, open registration, forum of your peers.
>>>>>Look at how defensive you've become and how immature some of your posts have been.
I can't. I'm spending too much time looking at the immaturity and defensiveness of yours. ;) But I can assure you hon, you can read all of my posts a hundred times over and not see me defending myself on anything. Try it. I double dare ya. ;)
Hon, you keep getting "cut down" because you KEEP acting immature, irrational, and defensive. Because you KEEP opening yourself up by TRYING to sling insults. Yet much of what you're considering to be insults really aren't. You just don't have a clue.
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Char Fox
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Troll is used web wide... not just here. As you say, is a big web so you can find this is true quite easily.
. A cult? OMG are you one of religious fanatics? Nothing against religion at all... by fanatic I mean one who thinks theirs is the ONLY true religion? Nope, no cult, just people trying to help others, but also people who don't put up with BS.
I consider a lot of people here friends, many have been here a long time. Personally I think it was good advice.. that you stop having children. IF what you say is so,.. and I am not saying anything about the ones already here, God Bless and I am sure you love them.
You have 3 or 4 under 18 and it is not easy being a single parent. Thus, stop having children is good advice in that respect. I see that as advice, not being judgemental. But it was from there on that you got defensive.
Can't waste any more of my time with this...I have to go try and convince Char to do my bath room redo.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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For the newbies, is not a name that anyone is giving anyone here. Troll is an accepted internet term for a poster who enters a community with the specific INTENT of disruption. Trolls, by definition, often post as multiple handles in an effort at making themselves appear to have a "following". They suddenly appear with an influx of "new" poster handles all registering on or about the same day, all claiming to have been "lurking" and suddenly feeling a need to speak out just to jump on the bandwagon of a poster who has been disagreed with and apparently doesn't LIKE the disagreements. The term has been around likely longer than anyone here has even been online, much less been on THIS site.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Char's tirrrrrrrrrrrrred. Besides, my bathroom kicked my butt.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I see why you're on here now Char...you're a good Bs'er. You really are and you almost sound convincing with your talk except you leave a lot out and seem to ignore the immature things that have been said on your part.. and oh by the way, there's all different ways to defend yourself. Your way just happens to be through trying to be humorous. Just to comment to me alone states that you're bugged by what's said, just as I have been.
No, I'm not really immature Char. Everyone has their pushing point and what's tolerable to them. I think I have a better clue to things then you really want to know. You're not a bigger person Char and your little snide comments to make me look small are just as immature as anything I've said or done.
As far as the adding things to my comments..yeah..I read them over before sending them and added if I left something out. You see I type really fast..and my fingers get ahead of what I'm thinking so I go back and add the stuff I forgot. There's no underlying crap there char. You obviously have an imagination. oh and also there are times when I"ve almost sent it to the last person who's commented or to the wrong person. I haven't been on this site for years as you have. I'm a troll remember? Come on..who is immature?
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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You have been busy!! Now I know you want to get back to the park... but I really need a bath redo... just the vanity, medicine cab and light fixture.. I can take care of the paint and floor.
SO when the weather breaks... and since I live very near to some nice parks...and our zoo is fantastic, and I live just a hop skip and jump from 77... do you do remodeling for a fee?
Just kidding... although I do want to get that stuff done. The electrical part scares me as I am not knowledgeable on electric and I know I can't do the vanity... but I think I can do the med cabinet. Looking forward to the photos! Congrats on being almost finished. You sure did not waste any time.!
Would love to stay in the fray, but will have to rejoin tomorrow. However I know full well you can hold your own!
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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So I'm considered a troll? I came on here for a specific purpose..to talk to someone who had been through the same type of situation as me and to feel a little bit of support. I by no means have ever been told I was a trouble maker. And I am definently not vindictive or malicious enough to make up handles and cause trouble on purpose. What a bad experience this has been. First time for something like this and the last..that's for sure.
I was really hurt because I know my life is hard and I know that it's going to be harder to go through everything with another mouth to feed but i was a married woman with all of my chidren and I do not think that it is considered advice to tell a grown woman not to have any more children. Especially being the first thing said to me... Period. I'm sorry that you both don't agree with that and you believe otherwise. Don't shoot down a person who's already as low as they can get. What's so hard to understand about that?
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I'm done with this...I'm done. I give up. I'm taking this stupid site out of my favorites and going to hopefully forget I ever came here. I was grouchy all day..my kids could sense it, and it brings me down. I put them to bed irritated and that is not good. You won. Be proud.
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3946
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QUOTE:LOL You're still at it I see. Hon, this "old woman" has a 16 mo. old son. I'm sooooo decrepit. Just call me grandma. Want I should push my glasses down on my nose and stoop over to add to the illusion? ;)QUOTE
Alright, alright....don't get started on granny jokes...I'm granny and only 38...hardly decrepit myself!!! ;)
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]So I'm considered a troll? I came on here for a specific purpose..to talk to someone who had been through the same type of situation as me and to feel a little bit of support. I by no means have ever been told I was a trouble maker. And I am definently not vindictive or malicious enough to make up handles and cause trouble on purpose. What a bad experience this has been. First time for something like this and the last..that's for sure.
I was really hurt because I know my life is hard and I know that it's going to be harder to go through everything with another mouth to feed but i was a married woman with all of my chidren and I do not think that it is considered advice to tell a grown woman not to have any more children. Especially being the first thing said to me... Period. I'm sorry that you both don't agree with that and you believe otherwise. Don't shoot down a person who's already as low as they can get. What's so hard to understand about that? [/quote]
Kew: Yes, you DID speak to women who had been in your shoes, you just CHOSE not to listen to what they had to say.
YES, the first suggestion, if you're trying to figure out how to get OUT of a troubled marriage, is to not bring any more children INTO that marriage. That's basic common sense, which can admittedly, be clouded by the blinding illusion that love can be.
However, you had two women, of similar ages, and who could at least somewhat relate to your background give you advice, and real world experience, and YOU chose to be nasty to them.. myself included.
I myself have been in your position on this board.. new to a personal situation.. not really ready to handle advice given.. and YES, there are MANY on this board who are caustic and rude, simply for the purpose, in my opinion, that they get their jollies out of it.
Char is NOT one of those people, and neither am I. In case you didn't notice.. I am a NEW member. I'm newly separated from my husband, my daughter's father.
Anyway, you only got negativity BACK because any advice or suggestions you were given was met with pure ostrich, head stuck in the sand, obstinence in refusing to see your own situation and where your own decisions have led you and where your continued poor decision-making and life management will lead you to.
Instead of spending your time criticizing those who HAVE tried to share with you.. why not take some time to absorb the information provided to you.. take a good look at where you're at.. where you want to be.. and what type of life you want your CHILDREN, most importantly, to have...
I'm sure you will read this and I hope you will read this with the intent it is written in.
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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Springie,
I keep waiting for that day... I think we all may be surprised!
:::::wishing they would flip the switch::::::
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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LOL...yuppers :-)
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Do you actually sit up all night waiting to say something to me? Hon, I don't even really RECALL half of what you've said, much less get "bugged" by it.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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ONLY 38? Why you're just positively over the hill then, ain't ya? ;) Welcome to the granny club.
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Char Fox
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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Ok, I am confused, i just read the page that was posted (the prayer page} and there was another one linked to it that said this:
"My husband was in the military for 17 years. Because of extinuating circumstances my husband gave up his career and pension to help this family. He is now working at a back breaking job, no benefits, low pay, second shift, and now bad credit. I have college and no degree, no skills and am struggling everyday to think of a way that i can make money to help this family. Our marriage is suffering. I don't enjoy life anymore and i've told my husband that i don't want to live anymore. To watch a full-grown man on his knees crying because he doesn't know what to do anymore is gut wrenching. I pray everyday for an answer. I'm willing to do anything. I love my children and will do without for the rest of my life if it means a better life for them. I can't take it anymore. Please pray for my family. If anyone is willing to e-mail me with advice i would appreciate that also. Kemahapalew@xxx.xxx "
That was posted in 2003, how is he still in the military if he gave it up 3 years ago for a low paying second shift job, and what is really going on?????
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You WEREN'T considered a troll UNTIL you kept whining and suddenly get all these other whiner lurkers who just HAPPENED to want to comment FOR THE FIRST TIME, coming in here to pat your back. Then it leaves us wondering. Considering what we've witnessed here, and on other boards, in the past, it's little wonder it appears some trolling is going on.
What was hard to understand is that you jumped right in to name calling right away, you immediately starting slinging insults, on the basis you THOUGHT you were trying some kind of shock treatment, that you would FORCE people to change their opinion that having kids in an abusive relationship was a BAD IDEA. It didn't change anyone's mind, it only made people think more seriously that you might be trolling. You were NOT told to stop having kids because you were a married woman, but because you were in an ABUSIVE relationship that even you KNEW was likely to end long before you had those children. KNOWING this, you still made another "mouth to feed". But worse, you made another innocent to be subjected to this abusive household. THAT was the issue most have with this. But as I've said, you were ALSO given some advice in that. Yet you chose to completely ignore the advice and start in with name calling and insults. You started off telling us how sad and boring our lives "must" be that ALL we did was judge and criticize. And since you said "these two" at a time when only two of us had yet responded, it's not hard to figure out who you were starting to sling insults at and claim they did not give you any advice at all. You brought it all on. Only you can end it.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I think you're saying what I'm trying to get across much better. But like I've said, I'm just so done with trying to say anything positive at this point...since I figure nothing will be taken from it but criticism anyway.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Hmmm, I'm not even gonna say what *I* think is going on. Because certainly there "must" be a good explanation for it all. I mean, there's been plenty of explaining so far, hasn't there? ;)
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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The electrical's what I was worried about as well, which is why I wanted my brother's help, but it's actually very easy. If you already have a lighted cabinet, a simple switchout is no problem. Just cut the breaker to the electric, test it and make sure the power's off, then remove the cabinet, unhook the wires (just screw off the wire nut caps). Put the new one up, screw it to the wall (you will need a second pair of hands to hold and center). You may need to buy wire and wire nuts and you will need electrical tape. Reconnect if the wires meet, if not, remove coating from the new wire and twist wires together with the old, and screw on wire nuts. Tape up the nuts and connections to make sure they hold together. Put in a lightbulb and flip the breaker. If it works, great. If not, a wire's not connected good or you connected something wrong. A diagram of what is connected where on the old one works good if you don't think you can remember which wire goes where. Flip the breaker back off to correct and/or to push the wires behind the light fixture, tucking them out of sight. Flip the breaker back on, put in your shelves and put on the doors. Whalla! ;)
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Char Fox
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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Tell me, how much of that tacky mess is my tax dollars paying for??
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I doubt you have any tax dollars, but if you did, none of it goes to me. It's more likely the tax dollars from my husband's job paying for your lazy ass to sit here and troll.
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Char Fox
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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Let's do the math. I have approximately a dozen posts. You have well over FOUR THOUSAND! Oh but that's right... this board goes back ten years. Which tells me that you've had ten years of sitting on your ass posting on this board. Wow.
And don't you think it's rather contradictory to critize those on welfare - with your implication that your husband's tax dollars supported my lazy ass with all my approximately dozen posts - AFTER you encourage people to sign up for welfare and food pantries and the like? Even AFTER admitting you had done so yourself? Dear me! That indecisiveness must be maddening.
Oh and one more thing before I go.... calling me a troll? Come on! No name calling - use your words! Buhbye [censored]!
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Apparently you fail to read as well. The def of trolls been posted already. Give it a rest. If the shoe fits...troll.
Also, you'd need to show WHERE I criticized anyone on welfare, rather than just making the claim...troll.
And are you jealous that I have time for this board?....troll.
Being that you know all about trolling, I seriously doubt your dozen posts here are all of you. You're likely ALL over the web trolling board after board after board, literally mopping anyone's number of posts here off the map. You just don't stay to one site, nor post a lot, because you're busy trolling the net, and to do so is contradictory to what a troll does. A troll doesn't take up residency and form relations with anyone on a site. They're more into causing trouble and trolling sites.
So buhbye to you asswipe. You need to learn which words are not censored. ;)
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Char Fox
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zepdiva
recently joined
Reged: 10/26/06
Posts: 13
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Is that the best you could do? Yeah, I thought so!
lllol
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Is there a full moon? I agree, these similar posters who arel newly joined, not many posts as yet, same style of writing and just popping up like spring dandelions on a couple of the forums here.
My guess is... our troll/s are really bored. One thing is clear to me, they are not here for advice etc. I was bored last night too and found it humorous.
ANd thanks for the electrical tips... may give it a try when my s-i-l is here. I don't have that extra set of hands around nearly as often as I would like. Actually it is the company of family that comes first, then the extra hands.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I don't know what brings these "things" out of the woodwork. But when you call them on it, their responses seem to grow shorter and shorter as the words hit home. ;)
I wasn't too bored yesterday, but I did manage to squeeze in a break from stripping my parents' bathroom wallpaper. Spent a couple days there helping my daughter who's trying to redecorate a bit for them while they're out of town. Didn't finish. She wanted to knock it all out in a day. LOL I've stripped wallpaper, I told her we wasn't going to manage it, especially while trying to keep up with the baby too. He pushed the broom all over the bathroom while we made a mess. ;) So mom and dad are back now and she has a half stripped bath.
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Char Fox
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I am not one of the top people here when it comes to keeping up with people and posts here, but I have picked up on the similarities of some of the new posters. All they have to is multiple registrations, then log out, and back in as one of the multiples right? Guess a good name for them could could also be "Sybil". Not knocking real multiple personalities, that would be an awful way to live.
Well, better half stripped than none. That is a chore.. have done it and have no desire to do again. That is a nice thing to do for your parents and you know they are going to appreciate it.
Bet your little one thought he was a big help sweeping the floor.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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They can log out and back on, or have multiple computers, several ways to do it. Even some that seem similar don't always turn out to be multiples. But if it walks like a duck...
They need some major work done to their house but neither of them can do it. My brother and I installed new faucets and shower in their bath a few weeks ago and I've repaired a doorway that was installed years ago but never quite finished around the edges. We still have the downstairs sink faucet to install, and new wood to put down on the porch. I've been out of state for years and no one's really worked on it until I got started and now they're all wanting to pitch in. My SIL's foot went through their front porch years ago and they just put a rock over the hole and it's been that way ever since. :(
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Char Fox
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