kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I'm a SAHM who is 38 years old and having my fifth child. The last three by my husband now. We've been married for 6 1/2 years. He's in the Military and from the very beginning it's been turbulent. I've done any and everything to fix this marriage...we've even been on Dr. Phil for it. There's been constant lying, decieving, manipulation, terrible anger, some violence, screaming (a drill sergeant in the face), and definently I believe infidelity. I've been psychologically abused for this entire marriage and it's embarrassing (I always thought of myself as strong woman). Every councelor that we've seen has told him he was abusive. I somewhat believe that my husband loves me but he can't change the bad that's in him. I'm his fourth wife and he's had two bankrupts; one before me and one after. He's stolen, he cheats the military and he's extremely irresponsible as a civilian. He still continues to repeat hisory ruining any chance of owning a house or being financially stable. The only reason I've been a SAHM is because of the moving and then him leaving and traveling for the past 3 1/2 years. Every time I talked about getting a job he definently put the seed in my head that it wouldn't be worth it. Now here I am, finally coming to the conclusion that I'm going to end up in a hospital if I continue this marriage. We almost went through a divorce less then a year ago but we didn't. I moved to Indiana from Ohio so that he'd be in one place and we would be able to work on this marriage. He is now stationed in Texas very close to retiring but I don't love him anymore and I want out. If anyone knows of any help that's out there for a mother of 5, four of which are still being raised ( one still not born) please let me know. I'm really scared and I want to do what's best for my children. Please don't judge me. Please help if you can. Thank you everone. [color:blue] [/color] [color:blue] [/color]
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Stop having children.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I'm sorry, but I have to second this one. I know you want some advice on what to do, but there's not really much advice you can get that's going to help you out of this jam "easily". Note the quotes, because you CAN get through it, but it is going to be VERY hard, for you AND your children. But these are children you kept having with a man (and working on yet another), whom even you admit you were ready to divorce a year ago and has been abusive the entire marriage. Why would anyone bring children into that and keep bringing in more? Now what you decide will affect them.
If you can get the counselor to testify or provide a written statement, it will help you in the custody battle. But you need to file for divorce then work on finding a job. Stop letting him tell you it's not worth it. You'll be divorcing him, it will DEFINATELY be worth it, be necessary, and if you let him talk you down again, you'll only be giving into his control again and hurting yourself and kids even more. You may or may not get any alimony, but as I told the poster below, getting it court ordered doesn't mean he'll actually PAY it. So you may find yourself in a very hard financial position that only you can pull yourself, and your kids, out of.
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Char Fox
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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First of all when someone asks for advice they're not asking for judgment. My children are all spaced apart. My oldest daughter is 18 and my next daughter is 13. My son is 5 and the other is 4. I had my one son a year after we were married and the other was not planned. I was nursing full-time, on a low estrogen birth control pill. It was an incredible shock. But I'm happy to have my son, just as this baby was a shock four years later. How dare anyone tell me to quit having children as if I planned to divorce my husband and did not want our family unit to stay together. I'm not a unmarried woman having children one after another and not knowing the fathers...although I can tell you this...even that woman would have reasons in her life why things go the way they do. I moved to Indiana with my husband in hopes that we would be able to work things out. Things were going well because we were working on the issues and because I truly did not want to go through a divorce. I again had hopes that it would continue to get better. They closed the SARG unit at Camp Attebury and his job was gone therefore sending him away again.
I am not a child nor a teenager who you can so casually judge and tell me not to have anymore children. If you met my children or myself you would not dare make such a terrible analysis or statement. Oh and by the way...my husband would not dare fight for custody. He knows that the children belong with me. There is no custody issue.
When we were on the Dr. Phil show it was believed by Dr. Phil and the audience that he would be able to change and get help because his problems resulted from his childhood and then going right into the military where he was torn down and then rebuilt. The military can be very dangerous at creating what they want from an individual. My husband is incredibly successful at what he does. At the risk of sounding like I'm defending him, I believed in him and that he could change because he showed everyone, including family and friends, that he really wanted to change.
Wow...if you're on the website to criticize rather then offer real advice then obviously your life must really be sad and boring at that. There must be a lot of people in your life who judge you as well. Please..if anyone other then these two read this, I ask that you not hold judgement but give advice because you know something that I'm not aware of that could help my situation.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19807
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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First of all when someone asks for advice they're not asking for judgment.
---> Then you need to talk to your mommy or your girlfriends if you ONLY want to hear the "good stuff".
---> What I don't understand is why you married this guy in the first place. As you said...you're NOT some stupid, naive child and THREE marriages SHOULD have had you fleeing.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Let's recap. You are his fourth wife. He has filed 2 bankruptcies. He steals. He cheats the military. He's extremely irresponsible. He ruins any chance of owning a house. You appeared on Dr. Phil. (Yeah-that's a real plus. Expose your problems to the general public. Bet the kids loved that). You have known for awhile that your marriage was in trouble. You don't work because your spouse "put a seed" in your head that it was a bad idea. (Nice independent thinking by the way). Yet, you are pregnant with child number 5.
You are right. What was I thinking. By all means have more children.
As for your question, what kind of help are you looking for? Decision making assistance you could certainly use. Nonetheless, I imagine you mean divorce help. I would suggest looking up legal aid in the telephone book and consulting with them. They are non-profit organizations located in most states that provide legal assistance in family law cases for a low fee or no fee dependingon financial circumstances.
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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You know..I had this huge long post written out to respond to both of you (gecko and Maury)explaining my entire situation and realized that for the last few years that's all I've done. Try to get someone past his anger and resentment of the world. I'm not about to waste my time on two strangers who are without a doubt perfect people, and no doubt great at taking constructive criticism such as what they've given me.
Spend a little more time rationalizing that you have no ideas of the dynamics behind every situation, (that's why people shouldn't judge others) and a little less time trying to think of the perfect words that you think are going to get me down.
This website is for people going through divorces...You don't know my name, who I am, or nothing about me. I have every right to come to this post and write for advice only and yes "Maury"...legal and some personal advice...not judgement. There are people out there who have been through the same type of situation as me and may have some words of encouragement or help. I don't need righteous opinions..you know what they say about opinions?
Edited by kemahapalew (02/04/07 01:51 PM)
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19807
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I have every right to come to this post and write for advice only and yes "Maury"...legal and some personal advice...not judgement.
---> How is getting advise to "STOP having children" "judgemental"?
---> For the rest...cry me a freaking river (that's sarcasm). What it comes down to is that YOU made some [REALLY] bad choices BUT...you don't want to accept responsibility or be held accountable.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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kemahapalew
journeyman
Reged: 02/03/07
Posts: 65
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I've made bad choices...of course I have...but know me before you judge me...I am totally responsible and completely accountable for the choices I've made. Every woman is. I don't want handouts there Gecko...I wanted advice. NO crying here..just a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure out where to go and what to do. Why are you on this site? What do you get from it? Make you feel better about your bad decisions?
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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Melissa:
If you have been miserable for some time, and it appears you have, you should file for divorce. I do not understand why you took the risk of getting pregnant with the situation you describe today which is the same as you described on another board in 2003. Call legal aid. You would likely qualify for spousal support and certainly it sounds like custody will not be a hotly contested issue
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