YahYah
old hand
Reged: 06/16/04
Posts: 1081
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Ss was in my vehicle, looking for a pen or something, and used that as an excuse to get into my center console. He'd been wanting to get in there for quite some time, since I had locked it up and he thought there was something in there for him - having to do with his birthday.
I told him, a week or so ago, to stay out of there. He was convinced it was for his birthday because I had said something to the mail man at the post office, that I was waiting for a return letter from someone. The mail man asked "who from" and ss was standing right there... I didnt want to tell him "ss's mother" so I said ... "his birthday is coming up soon, so I can't do this right now..." Ss left the area and I told the mailman the name.
He told me it would be returned to our household within 3 days if it wasn't picked up by the person it was sent to.
BM did not receive it, refused it, actually, and it was eventually mailed back to us.
My ss had just had an impromptu visitation with his mother a week or so eearlier. She made it look like she was all into him, concerned for him, happy with seeing him, etc... told him she loved him, missed him, was changing... all these promises made to him. really had him flying HIGH. He was indestructible for about a week there, a very.. very ... long... hard... week. :(
So anyway, I did NOT want to tell ss that the letter was from us, sent to his mother, and returned to us because she wouldn't accept it.
The reason I didn't want him to know this was because, during his conversation with his mother, she asked him repeatedly "Why ss, did you send me something?" Her entire point of talking to him and building him up, was to find out if he sent her something in the mail. She wanted to know if she should receive the mail that was waiting for her at the post office, or if she should leave it there. She wanted to know if she should go get it or not. She wanted to know what it was, if he knew, for starters, and if he was going to tell her. Otherwise, if he didn't, then it was from my husband, and she was NOT going to go get it.
Well, today, he snooped. He saw the letter... he just HAD to know... so I told him. I so upset with him for snooping, but, he snooped and if he's going to snoop, he's going to have to be ready for the answers to his questions.
I told him about his conversation with his mother, and how she asked him if he mailed her something... and how she promised him phone calls and letters, etc... and the reason was, was because of "that letter".
He got ... really upset. He said
"She did that to me?" and he was really... really upset.
The truth would have been told eventually, at some point, but his snooping.... his prying and his "need to know..."
Kind of put him, and me, in a position today, but to be honest, I think he needed to know. BEcause I got EXTREMELY upset with him the day he told us he talked with his mother... he got offended that *I* was upset. I wouldnt tell him WHY I was upset, and neither would his father. Just that "There are rules in place, for YOUR safety and well being, you can NOT choose when they are in place and when they aren't, that's" dad's job.
He was very "wahtever" about it... y'know? in a way like "Like why are YOU so upset" because his mom was so nice to him.
Today he completely realized why and was... HURT. Honest to goodness, I think he actually understood the manipulation that happened and how he was used again.
I feel bad for him, but his reality is happening all around him and he's so impressionable it's easy for his mother to use and abuse him still :(
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Take the scenic route. Live without regret.
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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You know...I catch my SS eavesdropping all the time. He has this "need to know" attitude too. I know that he has overheard conversations between DH and I about his mother. Nothing damaging...we don't talk her down, just the facts....DH always says that if he is going to go out of his way to find things out, then he will get what he gets.
I feel bad for your SS too, but he is getting to the age where he needs to know some of this stuff. Especially when he worked so hard to find it out. It's hard for these kiddos when they learn bad things about their parents. When parents use their children as pawns to hurt the OP, they don't realize how much damage they do.
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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YOu try to protect them....but they can't just follow your rules, huh.
Well, you were definitely in an awkward position....especially since you obviously didn't want to tell him anything bad about his mother. Well, I'm sure you did it as kindly as possible. Just give him lots of loving...he's in for a real eye-opener about his mom...and to be honest, as painful as it may be....kids do need to know the truth eventually.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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At what age is it appropriate to tell the children the truth about their mother?
If we were to get custody of the skids, they are going to be very resentful. I know that our first step will be to see a counselor. But, when would they be old enough to understand our reasons behind "being mean to their mommy"?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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My son has done his fair share of snooping. I had no hidden "dirt" on his father, but he did discover my nasty little secret. He now knows that I'm the tooth fairy. In my tip-top drawer underneath the unmentionables, I have about 15 baggies full of little teeth, each labeled with the name of the child and the date they lost the tooth. He was crushed!!!!!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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but in some extreme cases, it is justified and reasonable. My kids are probably more aware than some, but this is partially due to the fact that custody was changed as a result of their father's inappropriate physical discipline (abuse) of them. He has done so much to alienate the children from him that they no longer even think of him as their father...just a guy who comes to take them out to eat. They consider my SO as their true Dad....after all it was SO who sat in the waiting room and recovery room at the hospital this morning at 6am with my daughter...not her dad...HE went on vacation.
I do feel children should know what's really happening in some circumstances...but I prefer them to discover on their own...and then if they question you about it....you share what you can without mudslinging, etc. How old are your stepkids? Counseling is definitely a must...and the counselor will be able to determine how to best go about helping the kids cope with the change and helping them to realize that you guys weren't being mean, but were acting for the kids best interests.
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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didn't you just do what you stated we shouldn't do ( tell the truth cause you stated it was alienating the mom)....tsk tsk.
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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My steps are 7 and 10. They "question" me all the time about their mother and I lie through my teeth. Now, I really wonder if that was the right decision. Maybe I should have sat them down and told them what their mother does to them is wrong. As long as they listen to my "lies", they can still believe that mom does no wrong. They are going to model their parenting style after their mom. They truly believe that her way is the right way and it's okay to have 4 kids with 4 different dad's. Would that be the type of mothers I want for my grandkids? Hell no! I want to teach them how to be "good" mom's (not perfect), but I don't know how to do this without making their mom look like a jackass. Any ideas?
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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Well, your skids are still too young to hear the truth IMO. That is not to say you should lie for her. Whenever possible, send them back to her for answers. If they ask you questions about their mother that you are not comfortable answering...tell them they need to ask her. We didn't talk to my SD till she was 19...even then, it was hard to answer her questions without bashing mom. DH answered as honestly as he could about his side of things, but refered her back to her mother on items he wasn't comfortable addressing.
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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YahYah
old hand
Reged: 06/16/04
Posts: 1081
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"didn't you just do what you stated we shouldn't do ( tell the truth cause you stated it was alienating the mom)....tsk tsk."
Between showing a child of divorce, who's still a "child", the court order and legal papers, and a child who snooped and read it themselves. He snooped, he saw, and he was filling in the blanks he didn't understand, with his own reasoning and logic, and since he'd spent 6 years being alienated by his mother, no one wants him to be reasoning out his own logic for "too long".
I don't think it's any secret that I disagree with your approaches, presentations, and general way of doing things, so agreeing with you wasn't what I was looking for, however, I will state again, that your case is quite a bit different than ours. My ss found a letter we mailed to his mother, unopened. Your husband and you are going to show your stepchildren the legal paperwork/divorce docket. I didn't say you "were" alienating them, I said showing court papers to kids is sometimes considered PAS, depending on how it's done... and, I also asked about the age of the children involved.
"tsk tsk tsk", read first MaryWhoCares. Read the postings, answer the postings, not the person you apparently despise. All I get from you is "bitter". I hope you're happier in real life.
I just read your response to me regarding showing your ss the court papers. I guess you would have to know the definition of "alienation", wouldn't you? My understanding is that it's something you do to turn one person against another.
You said your 22 year old stepson is now displeased with his mother after you showed him "the truth". I understand the court dockets are what they are, and I understand alienation and all that the subject entails, especially when you're on the a$$ end of it - and this isn't to say you're wrong in your version of the truth, but... everyone has a truth, and it's their own version. She alienated him against you, and you're now alienating him back against her. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve some retribution for what she's done, just saying that it could be considered alienating on both sides.
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Take the scenic route. Live without regret.
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